Today is 1 year on T for me and earlier in the week I graduated from university. Which I'm not sure if anyone remembers but I had so many hurdles when it came to student teaching related to my transition and being able to be placed in a school setting as male, so for me it was a big deal to reach graduation without compromising myself.
Anyway, after graduation I wrote this letter and shared it with my friends on Facebook, I called it a letter to the girl I never was and it sort of just expressed some of what I felt Monday night at graduation. As a reference I by no means am a traditional college undergrad, I graduated high school 10 years ago and left my first university at the end of my 3rd year. When I decided to finish school it was basically like starting over since most of my credits did not count towards my new degree.
Enough rambling from me. I just wanted to share the excitement of my journey with you all.
-Charlie
Dear Jenn,
It's funny, Monday night you were all I could seem to think and reflect on. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you and what you mean to me. I know some may read this and think that we are one of the same, and sure technically we are. But when I think about you, I think of you in the way someone remembers their childhood best friend that has since moved and lost contact except for brief moments.
I don't think of you as being me nor do I think of myself as being you, we are separate. However, I recognize the sacrifices you made in order for me to not only exist but be acknowledged by those outside of yourself. That's what these last few days have been about, giving you the closure you've never had for the events that led you to finding me. I hope you know that I will never take this journey for granted and that I will always remember what it cost to get me to where I am.
You'll never hear your name called at a college graduation. When I think about that, when I think about the last 10 years I vaguely recall the list. Do you remember? The things you wanted to accomplish by the time 2014 rolled around. If it weren't for me you just might have. When I think about the 10 year reunion or brag fest as I call it I wonder just what would I say on your behalf, what have you done? Now, I know. You gave it all up so that I could be here and be whole and happy, incredibly happy. I never stop smiling, you rarely smiled. I believe that what happened in Evansville, those choices, had to happen otherwise your path may have never led you to a place for me to emerge and I know for the longest time you hated yourself for those choices. But I want you to know that you shouldn't that you were young and didn't understand and were for the most part alone at least as far as deep solid relationships go, you had none at that point. And I want you to know that while that point changed everything and all you saw for the longest time was how you ruined your life, I hope you know I don't see it that way, not now. I see that as the point where the door opened.
I have given this a lot of thought over the last few years and I think that was a defining point, even though at the time it was far from it, looking back it was. So I hope that you find peace in that. Because I have. There was a moment Monday when I didn't want to be the one walking across the stage because it felt like goodbye to the piece of you that was holding on. You fought so hard to never give up on graduating even though there were so many hurdles you kept at it. That was your dream to have a degree. It wasn't mine. But this semester it became mine in ways.
You see because you fought so hard for the world to see me and to accept and embrace me, well it finally did. The last year has been such an amazing gift no one could have given me anything better. Monday night to hear every professor I saw on my way out call me Charlie, even the ones whose classes you attended 4 and a half years ago with that quiet, shy personality even they said Charlie, and it felt amazing. Who knew that a name could mean so much. Well, I know you did I remember when you picked to be Jenn with two n's and I remember every youth group function where you corrected anyone who left one of those n's off. I had my moment. Because you gave up yours.
I look in the mirror and I see bits and pieces of you much like I see bits and pieces of all my relatives. I no longer see you when I look at me. Sure parts of this body will forever be yours, but it has been changing to be mine. Medicine, is an amazing and powerful thing finally I feel connected. I no longer feel like I am floating in space, I feel rooted and grounded. I do regret that neither your nor I will ever know the joy of holding something that is a part of us, that has bits and pieces of our DNA. Sometimes, that feels daunting to me because I know I would be a great parent and I know I still can be, but deep down I think most people want that biological connection to be in placed as well. It's fun guessing what your kid will inherit from you or from your partner. But, those moments pass when I look at the life I have right here in front of me.
Remember, that I never hated you and I don't blame you for any choice you had to make along the way. I am sorry that I fought with you those endless sleepless nights and that you lost those you loved for me to be here. But I hope you know when you look at me and the people in my life, that those people who stayed and who have arrived they love you too. They are grateful for your presence in my life because I have no doubts in my mind that I wouldn't be half the man I am today if it weren't for you and your sacrifices and battles on my behalf. So thank you.
And for the record when he said my name Monday night, I said your name because anything I have gained on this journey was because of you and your love for me. I hope you are doing well, where ever you are and that this note finds you well,
Sincerely,
Charlie Aidan Xavier.
