Not sure I have the strength for this

[TerriT]

I can feel every facade of my life slipping away and it's painful. I realize so much of what I've created has been a huge lie. Like I built up my own reality and filled it with the things I was expected to do and be. And I did a pretty good job of it. But now everything is falling apart and I just keep arguing with myself. That inner voice is making fun of me. Like I deserve to feel this way. Like it's the worst bully I've ever known and I can't stop it. Like it's my punishment for doing this and it just gets worse.

The guilt is almost unbearable. I hate what I'm doing to my girlfriend. She doesn't deserve this.

I just don't know if I have the kind of personality or character that can survive transition. I see people and I know people and they are filled with life and energy and I just keep getting smaller and smaller. I never enjoy anything anymore. I'm always on edge or crying or feeling sorry for myself. The only thing I can do to function anymore is work, so I work all the time.

So I don't know how i'm going to get through it all. If I have any of that character or inner strength to get me by. All of my confidence is in the gutter. I just want to be a normal boring regular girl.

[Ms Grace]

So yes, you've built up a life built on cis expectation, right? If you are trans gender, and everything I've seen you write here would suggest you are, then living in that life built on cis expectation is what you feel collapsing. A cis lie crashing down and burning. I felt exactly the same thing just before Transition 1.0 and 2.0. I folded with 1.0 - I really couldn't handle it, everything, anything, the emotional roller coaster, the uncertainty. Admittedly quitting it did save my life, so there is that. Didn't make me feel any happier about being genetically male, but I tried to convince myself for 20 years I was good with that.

With 2.0 the fear was different but still visceral..."was I headed towards certain humiliation"? "Disaster"? "Failure"?" An even more miserable life"? Maybe because I didn't want to repeat the 1.0 experience, and because I'd already outed myself to everyone that mattered it kind of felt like there was suddenly no turning back - I was suddenly faced with reality of what I was about to put in motion... a day to day life as a woman. Not just an occasional fun excursion as a woman but a real life. Terrifying. Utterly terrifying and yet I still wanted it, so to me that was the clincher because the alternative was so completely unappealing. But I tell you what, crossing that threshold was like a rite of passage and those fears evaporated in it. Things are still a bit bumpy (still dealing with my father for instance) but I feel like already I am actually, unbelievably, moving very resolutely towards being a "normal, boring, regular girl".

I can feel how upset you are Tiffany, I really understand where that's coming from. If you can't do it now don't punish yourself, explore the options. But if the options are unpalatable then there's still that threshold. Going through that is something you do for yourself, but in the process you can open yourself up to the real you and that is a gift you can share with everyone. Hopefully even your girlfriend.

Hugs, Grace.

[RosieD]

This may not be entirely appropriate but it seems relevant so...

One of the things I used to do was train people as Witches and one of the recurrent themes of the training is the need to discard ways of thinking and behaving that are no longer useful. This always involves an internal struggle to a greater or lesser degree. There are tarot cards devoted to explaining the process (Death or more seriously The Tower). The bully you are struggling with was usually referred to as "the imp of the perverse".  A mischievous character whose sole purpose is to mislead you.

Which is all fine and dandy but not very practical. You can make it through transition,  you have already made the hardest step which is accepting that you have GD. The feelings of guilt are the imp trying to mislead you. It will quite happily tie your brain in knots and leave you unable to think clearly enough to deal with events. Ignore the imp, relax, accept that you are doing what you need to do and always do what you feel to be right.

Rosie

[Ltl89]

For what it's worth Tiffany, I'm sort of in the same mental boat at the moment.   But please don't stop trying to believe in yourself and looking for hope.  Often that view is what allows us to carry out and succeed in life.  While it's never guarantee, failure is often the product of giving up which doesn't hold true for success. Yet, it's all really hard and seems impossible to overcome.  It's a tough battle and I feel for you as I'm right in the same spot.  Ultimately we all have to find out what's right or best for us.  Only you can say what that will be.

May I ask a few questions?  How is your girlfriend taking your transition?  Does she seem accepting or is it too much for her?  Or is the internal guilt coming from a sense of wrongness about the situation?  Do you ultimately really want to transition despite the hardships?  Do the costs seem not worth the potential pros of doing this or vice versa?   I'm sorry for all the questions, but I found self questions like these help us find the answers we lack at the moment.  Maybe it will help you find out how to handle this all or just help you cope with your current situation.

I wish you the best of luck.  Please hang in there. 

[LittleEmily24]

Go sky diving. Changed my life forever.

The problem here is that you are afraid, which is normal because we are all afraid at some time or another. We have many reasons to be. But what is important is that you face that fear and realize that it is simply fear that is causing these feelings in you. if you can take a step back and look at your thought process, and then tell yourself "its just fear." you will see how your world changes.

Its not an easy journey, and like any other life it will have its twists and turns, but you have to stop putting your life on these pedestals based off of you are "expected". First, you need to realize that what you are "doing to your girlfriend", isnt wrong... you aren't doing anything other than being the person you were meant to be, and if she wants to stick around for that then you need to see it for what it is and realize that not many significant others stay. I obviously don't know about your relationships situation, but if your gf is struggling, id bet that its because shes struggling with her own feelings of loving you and not having an easy time dealing with it all... and you have to realize that this is better than what a lot of people get... she is having an internal fight instead of just taking the easy route and walking away.

Im not exactly sure what you mean about having the character to survive transition... I think you might be over-generalizing what it means to be a transgender woman 0_o I mean, just as there are all types of cis-people, there are all types of trans people, some are emotionally strong or physically strong or sometimes both, some are extroverted and others are introverted, some want to make an impact, others just want to blend in. There is no specific "trans character"... Transition isn't easy for anyone, its just that everyone has their own way of dealing with the adversity that they run into.

Its also worth remembering that your mind is your worst critic/judge/bully/etc. the only way to ignore it is to change your mindset.

I use to hate myself for being trans... I felt like i was burdening my wife, family, brothers, friends... I wanted to kill myself because I felt like the thing that made me normal (being male) was the only reason everyone around me felt like they could continue being part of my life. But I was so wrong... I look back now and I feel like having begun transition and embracing my true identity was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, im crying all the time, I feel a lot of pain sometimes and sometimes I fear that my future will be bleak... but to go back would be like jumping back into the 9th layer of hell... There is absolutely no feeling like waking up and actually feeling like your life is worth living. In 24 years I've accomplished a few things, but never felt any pride, only shame in myself... but THIS... even if 99% of the world disagrees with this, I will forever be endlessly proud of myself for it, because its not every day that people decide that they are going to chase their happiness at the cost of everything around them.

You need to start living for you and stop living for others, because the moment you start doing that you will see that others will follow. Energy is a beautiful thing, and I thought I had it all before transition; I took the leap and chose to take the path that could have resulted in complete shunning.... but because my depression is gone, my anger is gone... I am living MY life TODAY for ME and no one else... People are drawn to me now... even the ones who can't bring themselves to understand. My wife and I had HUGE arguments about my transition... but 3 months later, she sees and FEELS my happiness... and it has made our relationship better than it has ever been in our first 5 years where I was male... Don't give up and keep trying to see the silver lining, because energy works both ways... if you allow yourself to be encompassed by negative energy, you will be surrounded by negative energy and will attract unwanted amounts of it... but i can guarantee you that the moment you start living for you and stop feeling guilt over your choice to be happy, you will see that others will feel happy with you and for you; you will see that you had no reason to feel guilty.

Don't feel guilty for what your GF is going through, because if she is sticking around and having a hard time with it, its because she feels guilty about leaving someone she loves over aesthetics. Give it time and allow yourself room to breathe, you'll be alright.

Sorry for the long response, i have a tendency of doing that =/ but Even if none of what i said makes any sense in relation to your situation, i hope it helps in some way <3

[Alainaluvsu]

Here's a different line of thought other than trying to convince you to keep going. Are you happier now, or before transition?

IDK, that seems like the best barometer for what you should be doing. But either you're a girl or you're not. You're lying now, or you're lying if you're detransitioned and going around acting like a boy. That's your decision and we can't help you with that.

[Kaydee]

I understand the feeling.  You are way out ahead of me and I haven't decided whether I will transition, but with each day I feel more of my old self slipping away.  I see the female self slowly rising.

When I look at my male life I see how if was all formed to please others.  What I do, how I live, is mostly a matter of chance and fulfilling the expectations of parents and others.   I feel that there is no real me there, that I have no core self.  So rather than seeing myself as giving up the guy me for the girl me, I see me becoming real for the first time.  At times I actually like who I am becoming.

Yes, I also have my moments when the imp of the perverse whispers (yells) that I am choosing to become a freak.  I still deal with intense anxiety just at the thought of others learning about me.  But that anxiety has been my companion throughout this journey.  I see it as confirmation that I am addressing my fears.  So while I am often help back by the fear of being different, a freak, a man in a dress, I keep my eye on the goals.  Which is simply the privilege of being myself. 

Oh.  And I have a wife who has been very hurt by this.  I know the guilt that goes with that.  I wish I had an answer for that.  But this time I am going to choose to be selfish and be myself.  I may lose her.  But I won't lose myself.

All this sounds good.  But I realize the one thing holding me back it is the same fear that you are facing.  Every day I think about transitioning and I wonder if I have the courage to pull it off.   I am just glad there are examples of those who have successfully transitioned here on Susan's.  They give me hope.

[E-Brennan]

I just want to be a normal boring regular girl.

That is the most important sentence of your post, TiffanyT.  Especially the last word.   

[TerriT]

So yes, you've built up a life built on cis expectation, right? If you are trans gender, and everything I've seen you write here would suggest you are, then living in that life built on cis expectation is what you feel collapsing. A cis lie crashing down and burning. I felt exactly the same thing just before Transition 1.0 and 2.0. I folded with 1.0 - I really couldn't handle it, everything, anything, the emotional roller coaster, the uncertainty. Admittedly quitting it did save my life, so there is that. Didn't make me feel any happier about being genetically male, but I tried to convince myself for 20 years I was good with that.

With 2.0 the fear was different but still visceral..."was I headed towards certain humiliation"? "Disaster"? "Failure"?" An even more miserable life"? Maybe because I didn't want to repeat the 1.0 experience, and because I'd already outed myself to everyone that mattered it kind of felt like there was suddenly no turning back - I was suddenly faced with reality of what I was about to put in motion... a day to day life as a woman. Not just an occasional fun excursion as a woman but a real life. Terrifying. Utterly terrifying and yet I still wanted it, so to me that was the clincher because the alternative was so completely unappealing. But I tell you what, crossing that threshold was like a rite of passage and those fears evaporated in it. Things are still a bit bumpy (still dealing with my father for instance) but I feel like already I am actually, unbelievably, moving very resolutely towards being a "normal, boring, regular girl".

I can feel how upset you are Tiffany, I really understand where that's coming from. If you can't do it now don't punish yourself, explore the options. But if the options are unpalatable then there's still that threshold. Going through that is something you do for yourself, but in the process you can open yourself up to the real you and that is a gift you can share with everyone. Hopefully even your girlfriend.

Hugs, Grace.

I've been away, dealing with stuff and getting my head together, but I wanted to start replying to this thread. I'm starting to feel much better, refocused. I needed to talk to people and get out of the house and on with my life.

I did feel like I was pushing myself, maybe harder than I needed to, so I've back things off a little bit. At least to stop judging myself so badly. My GF has been really supportive and helpful. We had a good talk. She is going through some of her own issues, so seeing me power my way through this is kind of helping her back. Like if I can handle this, then she can handle what she needs, if that makes any sense. It does give me some sort of inspiration.

I understand what you mean about that threshold. It's getting closer so I could really nervous or whatever. I have no desire to turn around though. I'm trying not to hold to any real timeline, but I do have some benchmarks that I need to make. It is tough and it takes a lot of energy. I think I was getting just so burned out on everything.

[TerriT]

This may not be entirely appropriate but it seems relevant so...

One of the things I used to do was train people as Witches and one of the recurrent themes of the training is the need to discard ways of thinking and behaving that are no longer useful. This always involves an internal struggle to a greater or lesser degree. There are tarot cards devoted to explaining the process (Death or more seriously The Tower). The bully you are struggling with was usually referred to as "the imp of the perverse".  A mischievous character whose sole purpose is to mislead you.

Which is all fine and dandy but not very practical. You can make it through transition,  you have already made the hardest step which is accepting that you have GD. The feelings of guilt are the imp trying to mislead you. It will quite happily tie your brain in knots and leave you unable to think clearly enough to deal with events. Ignore the imp, relax, accept that you are doing what you need to do and always do what you feel to be right.

Rosie

LOL, yes, my inner imp is a pain in the ass. I have accepted my GD for a while, doing something about it was a different matter. I think I would like to smack that imp someday. Thanks for the different POV.

[TerriT]

For what it's worth Tiffany, I'm sort of in the same mental boat at the moment.   But please don't stop trying to believe in yourself and looking for hope.  Often that view is what allows us to carry out and succeed in life.  While it's never guarantee, failure is often the product of giving up which doesn't hold true for success. Yet, it's all really hard and seems impossible to overcome.  It's a tough battle and I feel for you as I'm right in the same spot.  Ultimately we all have to find out what's right or best for us.  Only you can say what that will be.

May I ask a few questions?...I'm sorry for all the questions, but I found self questions like these help us find the answers we lack at the moment.  Maybe it will help you find out how to handle this all or just help you cope with your current situation.

I wish you the best of luck.  Please hang in there.

You do seem quite level headed and sure of yourself, so I'm surprised to hear you're having some of the same feelings. I don't intend to give up though. It may wipe me out, but I can't give up.

How is your girlfriend taking your transition? She is getting more and more comfortable with it. She has been more supportive and understanding, although it is putting terrible strain on our relationship. She says I am much calmer and less defensive and more open with her. But she fills like some of those traits have transferred to her and that she is starting more arguments.

Does she seem accepting or is it too much for her? She is accepting. She knows this is where I need to be. She has pledged that she will see this through with me and she will defend me. She wants to go places with me and do things and stuff. She is shy though and I worry that she will get upset.

Or is the internal guilt coming from a sense of wrongness about the situation? The sense is really that I'm ruining her life. I came out to her really early in our relationship, but I couldn't admit how deep the feelings were. I just didn't want to be some horrible old man who gets caught in her underwear some day or whatever. I wanted her to be a part of it. But it took some time before I could admit to her that this was not really going to be a once in a while thing, this is an everyday thing.

Do you ultimately really want to transition despite the hardships? Yes. I think I underestimated the hardships though. I always thought I would never really be successful or passable or anything, but I keep doing it and I keep feeling better about myself. This is the first time in my life that I've ever even been happy with my body.

Do the costs seem not worth the potential pros of doing this or vice versa? IDK, that is part of what I do think about and if I can pay them. That's where I wonder if I have the capacity to get through. I can pay them, that's not really a problem. But I don't know if it's worth it if I end up curled in a ball and totally dysfunctional. Of course, I could and hope that I end up very happy and finally at peace with things. I guess I won't know till I get there, but that's really the only way to find out. I don't think I'm really the type of person to lay on the ground for very long.

[TerriT]

Here's a different line of thought other than trying to convince you to keep going. Are you happier now, or before transition?

IDK, that seems like the best barometer for what you should be doing. But either you're a girl or you're not. You're lying now, or you're lying if you're detransitioned and going around acting like a boy. That's your decision and we can't help you with that.

I am happier now, I am a girl and I'm not sure that detransitioning was/is ever an option.

[TerriT]

Emily,

Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I've read it a couple of times. I think you are right, well, except for that skydiving thing. It's very hard for me to think of myself in that way, to put myself first. A trans friend told me that transition is a very selfish thing to do, but that is what you have to do. I tried to debate it for a long time but I couldn't fight anymore. I have to let that guilt go. It's not helping me. My GF has basically forgiven me, but I had trouble forgiving myself. Like you're saying, I lived up to other peoples expectations for a long time. It's time to let that go. Those expectations didn't help me for ->-bleeped-<- when I hated myself.

I'm happy that things are working out for you and your wife. It's good to hear about things like that. Thanks for replying to my wimpy post.

[Ms Grace]

So glad to hear you're feeling better and working through life, Tiffany!