New to all of this and struggling...

[Sayra]

Hey Shana, trust me when I say that we understand because we really do! Rationally, that is. We've looked at these faces for years, some of us have for decades. We know that the person is there. They feel no different than they did except they are happier, more free, more themselves. There is NOTHING that would make me happier than to let that person be, but what about me? Then the emotional part kicks in. Every little nuance of our relationship is under threat and any minute difference is noted, catalogued, and filed away. As an SO, life becomes a slideshow of what was and is no longer. We dwell on the changes we see and fear what comes next. Just how it is if you've chosen to stay. When you walk away, you leave with intact memories of what was without constant reminders that it is no longer.

I thank you Shana for your input. When I get the chance to explain here, I can use parts of how I explain how I feel to a stranger to the partner I have devoted my life to without having to scrounge through the muddied feelings for the right words.

Hope you're having a good week too Shana

[Katrinka]

Sayra, if there were a "like" button, I'd press it right now.

[Sayra]

Kat, your lone wolf thought is exactly how I felt. Much as the wording has such strong connotations, there are some days when I feel like the right word is, victim.

When we discussed the differing perspectives of what exactly was happening, I felt that this change was a choice in expression, a lifestyle. My husband views this change more like a chronic state. He compared it to terminal cancer. Using that analogy, when I'm upset I feel that leaving is a matter of choice, his or mine, but he sees it as almost abandonment. So, if we stay, we are judged to be "that poor woman" (so very broad in generalizations here...) and if we go, we are judged by the community that supports our loved ones to be heartless (again, generalization). Damned if we do and if we don't. As far as I'm concerned, we lose no matter what choice we make. Can the same be said for our partners? I don't know.

I wish, Kat, that your therapist could be more help. How are your local support groups? Any way that you might be able to re-recruit your best friend to support you? It's so vastly unfair that our partners make a whole new support network when they approach the community, but we are forced into isolation because our partners aren't ready to "come out" yet. I feel like we deserve to have a support system. (My husband reasoned that's what the community SO support groups were for, but that is utterly not the case.) For now, there's me, if you feel the need Kat. You can message me if you'd like.

Separation may not be a bad idea. Space, time are both things you might both need to gain perspective. I understand that I only get to hear your side Kat, but if you guys aren't getting along and you're clearly hurt and angry (meanest person...etc...) why won't he give you that space? (You aren't mean at all. Quite reasonably upset, really.) Maybe not a legal separation, but a weekend to visit someone you really miss?

[Katrinka]

I don't know what to do. I was a doubtful person going into this relationship; I was married once before and was cheated on, forgave,  and used as a cute accessory to someone's career. Since finding out about TG I have become this suspicious person (especially because he came out, then retracted it all within a day a year ago); my spouse then hides what he needs to tell me about herself (and I use the two pronouns purposefuly). I am T.I.R.E.D. of the lying. If you are not being truthful, then you are lyiing. Sorry to be all binary on that, but truth and lie are pretty clear-cut: the nicest person can ease into a lie very tenderly. I love the man I married, but that man does not exist--so now I don't know who I love. I don't love the female version. I don't know her. If I met her at a party, I probably would want to hang out for coffee...not have sexy time. When I met my husband, the guy, I wanted sexy time asap. I am so confused.

[LordKAT]

I'm starting to wonder if I am interested in women, since "he" has ALWAYS been a woman. Maybe I don't know myself.

I think many spouses end up having this thought. It is OK to wonder and maybe there is something to it, maybe not. There is nothing wrong with questioning it though.

The confusion and feelings of betrayal are to be expected. I'm just glad that the 3 of you are talking and sharing. going through all this alone would be hellish as it is for transitioning people to go it alone.

The fact that you are talking and working through your own feelings as well as dealing with your SO's issues says a lot about the capacity to love. If things don't work as a married couple, could you see yourselves as good friends with your SO? Sometimes, that is the better solution. Sometimes it is worth all it takes to stay together.

There is nothing wrong with voicing your concerns to your SO. Have them slow down and give you a little time to catch up so to speak. Just don't ask them to slow down and think that is all there is to it, I can guarantee they are waiting (and likely not very patiently) for you. The train ride, with all its hills and valleys, is taking both of you. Sometimes the tracks diverge a bit is all. sometimes they never come back together.

I think the biggest thing is to keep talking to Your SO's and to each other. You are not alone!

[helen2010]

Kat

Congrats on your 10 000th post and it was one of your best.  Respect, communication and working through your feelings does help.  I wish the OP well.  My wife has shown remarkable patience but when I asked her whether she wanted us to separate, she said "no, I choose us, I choose our relationship."  This was a huge step because I have changed, but in many ways she says that I am now a much nicer person.  Yes I am non binary so my wife has not had to question her sexuality but she has had to question who she married, the basis of her love and whether her dreams can still be pursued. 

This thread has been very powerful.  It has reminded me that while with each relationship involving a TG spouse there are so many similarities, there are also many differences.  Each of our situations differ and it is unhelpful to adopt someone else's story or narrative.  We do need to write and to own our own narrative, just as we need to seek, find and travel our own paths.   I wish the OP and her partner the very best that life has to offer.

Safe travels

Aisla

[LordKAT]

Kat

Congrats on your 10 000th post and it was one of your best. 

Thanks

[Sayra]

We as SO's have understanding from a lot of sides. Aisla and LordKAT, are two such supportive voices who let us know it's ok to feel as we do from thier perspective. It's easy to forget the other side of things when we stand so close to our loved ones and feel so very hurt by it all.

Kat, I hear you on the honesty. It's vital, but there are also times when it is important to consider if it is better or worse to hear it all. Your particular situation makes the issues we discuss a bit different. With my husband, after 3 little ones, the attraction to his male presentation is there but we've learned in the past decade to cherish our intimacy and sex is only part of that expression of love. This is absolutely NOT the case for everyone. I think perhaps, that's what is weighing on you this week?

When our loved ones change gender, staying can mean our changing sexual orientation. Now when it sort of isn't by choice but by situation, it's darned scary! When you throw in a partner who is less than forthright, it's scary, hurtful, and creates a perfect storm of self-doubt. Kat, without knowing the other side, it's all I can offer that you both need to do the honest "What are we doing here?" talk. If you aren't able to get there, doubt will always be present. Hope you're able to sort at least a couple points out, Kat.

[Superstacy00]

Its been a while since I've given an update on our situation so I figured I might as well post...

My husband and I had decided on an agreement, or as we called it a "compromise," Where he started low dose hrt but was not going to fully transition and we decided to stay married. This was a very difficult decision for both of us but we agreed that we love each other and understand each others limits. He has been on hrt for a little over a month and we have been talking about kids. We had originally been planning to get pregnant in September (Right around our 3rd Wedding Anniversary) and I guess I really didn't comprehend that if he was on hrt there is no way for us to have children. This has brought up a multitude of painful arguments. And I for one have so many different thoughts going through my head:

1.) Should I leave and let him fully transition? I wish I were strong enough to stay and be okay with it, But I can't. So I am still confused on if I should be the one to leave to let him become what he truly wants to be. I wouldn't be leaving him out of hate but I feel like I would be letting him be free.

2.) Will this "compromise" last forever? Will the low dose hrt be enough to help his dysphoria? Or will it eventually become too hard and I will lose him anyway?

3.) Can we be happy without the children we have been planning on for years now?

And although none of those questions can or will ever be answered we decided to try something else... He decided to give up the hrt for a few months to get me pregnant and to bank sperm if we decide on future children, but I am so scared about his mental state after starting the hrt he has been so happy. I feel so terrible. Like I'm taking away his happiness.... I still feel just as lost as I was when he originally confided in me about his GD.

[helen2010]

Superstacy

This really is a journey.  No matter how well intentioned and in love that you are, the outcome is uncertain.  Certainly with honest, timely and ongoing conversation the relationship will survive even if it morphs into that of friends or separated parents.  On the other hand there are many of us for whom a non binary identity best reflects who we are and low dose hrt and minor changes in presentation suffice.  I started on this path influenced by much of what I had read so thought that a full transition was inevitable, that it would end our relationship and that it would be traumatic.    I have learned that this is not necessarily the case either for me or for many others.

Given the deep love that you have for each other and for your dreams together, I recommend that you take the first steps together and see how it goes.  I use game theory when I do not have perfect information.  In my experience in the absence of certainty, or where you just don't yet know the right answer, decisions should not be binary (yes/no) when there are other possibilities (pause, do neither etc).  Take your time, work the issue and the relationship - the best and the right answer for both you and your family will become clearer over time.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Sayra]

Oh Stacy. Those two first questions are ALL I think about. All the time. Every time we argue. I wish we could have answers but it would be unreasonable to expect. Hope that you can do what we're trying, which is not to dwell on the uncertainty of the future, but to live in the good moment of now. Very difficult for us on our bad days, but it's all we can do. Well wishes for this week.

[Katrinka]

Me too, Stacy and Sayra. I don't hate my husband either, even though I clearly get really frustrated with him, but I have a very hard time seeing things working out if he starts to make dramatic, permanent, physical changes.

[Sayra]

I fear for that too. He's told me everytime that he's practical about it. He can see what is acheivable and that he doesn't want surgery but that hormones are under consideration.

Every new change, step towards his goal, I feel is a step away from us. So I often face his changes with a great deal of anxiety. I want desperately to say that I am strong and that we will get through it together, but I struggle with fear, anxiety, overwhelming sense of sadness when he wants more. I know it makes him happy and that perhaps we are the reason he doesn't make the leap. I often think that it really might be easier for him to just get away from us and do what it is that makes him happy without the constraint of reeponsibilities and whatever else we entail for him. (Most especially on the days he is very unhappy and dysphoric.) But there are all these other parts of life that are involved and the uncertainty of what lies ahead is immeasureably weighty. That's why we choose to live in the good moments of now as best we can and face each change as it comes.

Today has been rough. Finals are upon me and he was having a bad day. I'll be honest, I really didn't need to hear that he was having a bad day and then have to sit all day wondering if this is the day he tells me that he's going for it. That is just how I live my life now. I walk on the edge of my world being ok-ish and having it disappear in a flash. Sorry for the rant. It just is not the greatest of days.