Help... please...

[Sir Real]

Everything was looking good.  My first appointment with the endo was in four days from now.  I was excited.  My mom just talked to me.  "I'd die if you transitioned.  I couldn't live anymore.  It'd be worse than you dying if you did this."
I can't do this anymore.  I can't.... I'm so done... I'm ruined.

[PoeticHeart]

I hope everything works out for you. Battling inside of ourselves sucks enough on it's own, but when that battle spills into the outside world? Nightmare.

I'm always available to talk if you need someone to just listen and understand.

[Ayden]

I don't know what your relationship with your mother is like, and I'm sorry you are in that position. That being said, my family tried to say the same. Some of them are crazy enough to really think that my getting HRT would kill them. Two years later and no one is dead even though they said that they would "literally stop living" if I transitioned.

This kind of emotional blackmail is sadly very common. I wish I had more than words to offer. Hang in there.

[suzifrommd]

Everything was looking good.  My first appointment with the endo was in four days from now.  I was excited.  My mom just talked to me.  "I'd die if you transitioned.  I couldn't live anymore.  It'd be worse than you dying if you did this."
I can't do this anymore.  I can't.... I'm so done... I'm ruined.

IMO, you owe your mother a lot, but asking you to pretend to be someone you're not, is too much for her to ask.

No human being should ever ask another to be someone else for their sake.

Your mother is a big girl. She will need to find a way to deal.

[FTMDiaries]

As Ayden said, this isn't uncommon. It's the bargaining phase of grief: your mother is resistant to the change you need in your life, and she's using whatever she has to try to stop you so that things can remain the way she wants them to be.

The thing is: your mother will not die if you transition. She will continue to live. She'll have to go through a difficult period of adjustment, but she'll get through it. And in time, she will come to accept you for who you are... and when you're happy and well-adjusted in your own skin, she will come to realise that you've made the right decision for yourself. And she will realise that your transitioning was a heck of a lot better than you dying, because she still has you in her life and you're finally happy.

My children said they'd never want to be seen in public with me if I transitioned because I'd be a 'freak'. Well, I take them out in public all the time. And they still call me 'Mum', even with my beardy face and baritone voice.

People adjust. But they don't want to have to adjust. That's just too bad: everyone has the right to be themselves, and you don't have to be forced to suffer for the rest of your life just so that they can save themselves the trouble of adjusting.

[Edge]

You can't live your life for someone else. Your mother's life is not your responsibility. That is all hers. She will not die if you transition. Threats like that are a manipulation tactic, not fair to you, and should be treated as such.
Sorry that was blunt. I mean that in the nicest way possible. To you anyway. I'm a little annoyed with your mother.

[Umiko]

*huggles* i know what you are feeling. my mom said i should just stay the way i am. that i can accomplish what i want without transitioning. it really did hurt because she did say that she would support me through this. i guess it really comes down to is the knowledge needed to understand what you are feeling. you shouldnt live for someone else but you need yo live for yourself. its your life so live everyday to the fullest and as if its your last.  we are here for you, so basically let us be your family, so in the name of darkness, i command thee to live, move forward and never turn back 

[E-Brennan]

Everything was looking good.  My first appointment with the endo was in four days from now.  I was excited.  My mom just talked to me.  "I'd die if you transitioned.  I couldn't live anymore.  It'd be worse than you dying if you did this."
I can't do this anymore.  I can't.... I'm so done... I'm ruined.

I'll echo the advice above.  It's emotional blackmail, plain as day.

Soooo...

I'd suggest ignoring it.  As others have mentioned, she won't die.  You, on the other hand?  Well, I don't need to remind anyone of the suicide stats for trans people who don't, for whatever reason, transition.

She has every right to be upset.  But she has no right to offer you the choice between her survival or your own.

She'll get over it.  You should go to your appointment and continue with your plans.  Maybe she was having a really bad day - doctor appointments can make things seem very, very real all of a sudden.

If you back off now, she'll know that her little tactic works.  And she'll use that to control you and your transition for the rest of her life.  In other words, this is probably a fight you want to have - and win - now, because you'll just keep having it again and again if you don't put a stop to it.  You'll start to resent your mother, and that will damage the relationship far more than this bump in the road.

[Sir Real]

Wow thanks so much everyone for the support.  I can't tell you how much it helped.  It helped me a lot.  I really needed it. I think all of you are right. I won't cancel my appointment on Tuesday after all.  I just might take things more slowly is all.  I still feel horrible about this all, of course.  But you all gave me hope that things might turn out ok.  I was really despairing there. Thank you my family

[Umiko]

Wow thanks so much everyone for the support.  I can't tell you how much it helped.  It helped me a lot.  I really needed it. I think all of you are right. I won't cancel my appointment on Tuesday after all.  I just might take things more slowly is all.  I still feel horrible about this all, of course.  But you all gave me hope that things might turn out ok.  I was really despairing there. Thank you my family

your welcome hun  there is nothing you cant do, so dont limit yourself. forge your own path in life and no matter what happens, keep your head up high. 

[GnomeKid]

Yea man... you've got to do what you've got to do.  If your mom feels like throwing an over-dramatic fit about it that is her business. 

[Inanna]

My mom expressed that exact sentiment, "If you were dead, I could at least see you in the afterlife, but if you do this my son won't exist anywhere" and "You're killing my soul."  That toxic ->-bleeped-<- crushed me for months, maybe years.

Six years later, she's doing just fine.  Really, no different than before I came out, and possibly happier now that I am too.

[Ms Grace]

Sadly we can't realistically expect the people in our lives will automatically accept our transition, even if they love us dearly. That's why I didn't tell my folks until I was a few days from full transition. Sure they deserved to know, but telling them any earlier would have resulted in attempts at getting me to stop or not go the whole way...maybe not as bluntly put as by your mother but difficult enough. But since your mother knows she'll have to learn to cope. Sounds like the bargaining phase of coming to terms with grief (denial>anger>bargaining>depression>acceptance), once she realises she can't blackmail you out of it she will start to move on to the next stage.

[Adam (birkin)]

I'm glad some others saw this first and were able to offer support, and that you're not cancelling your appointment now. I would like to echo what others have said. It's manipulation. My grandpa said "I hope I die before you do all that, oh God!" He's still alive and really is actually happy I look more male now. My aunt told me my grandmother would die, because her mother had a heart attack from the grief of losing her trailer. My grandma isn't dead and she's mostly over the transition now.

It will be hard on your mother, but she will adjust. Almost all people do. And even if it is hard, you can't live a life that's miserable for her. Deep down she just wants you to be happy, and she's afraid the transition will make your life harder, and therefore, make you unhappy.

[Sir Real]

I have a feeling she thinks it's sin and that I'll go to hell for it.  I've tried talking to her about this but she refuses to listen or just doesn't understand. She's not concerned about my happiness, I'm almost certain of that. I do know for sure she thinks it's a perverted spirit and will not bend. I guess she's afraid of me being lead by a demon or something. :/

It's comforting to know that others have experienced this and that their loved ones are still okay.  That gives me hope. I'm still pretty afraid for her and I think I will be until things settle down for certain. I think one of the things I'm afraid of is that because this is so much a part of her belief system that this will never go away. I wish none of this had to happen.

[FTMDiaries]

Remember: your mother chooses to believe what she wants to believe. She is perfectly free to make different choices, and she probably will in time.

Whoever put those ideas into her head has done her a disservice, because they've made it more difficult for her to cope with life's complexities. If she struggles to accept you because she's been taught to believe such things, she will most likely have to re-evaluate some aspects of her beliefs. It won't be easy, but it will be necessary. And it isn't your fault: it's the fault of whoever gave your mother these ideas.

[Sir Real]

Thanks FTMDiaries.  I sometimes take on more responsibility than I should, but I think you're right.  It's her choice what she believes and I am pretty upset with the person who gave her them.  I know who it is.  Sometimes good people who mean well are very wrong.  I hope she does re-evaluate at some point.  I hope that she recovers from all this and that everything will be okay.

[Megumi]

I'm in a similar situation with my parents. Both have openly expressed their desire for me to remain male for their own sakes and happiness so I don't live a "hard" life from being transgender where society hates and vilifies me. Their words. What it really boils down to is that they don't want to face the reality that their child is hurting and in pain from not being who they are and changing their outward appearance causes them to feel uneasy about how they now see you and most of all how everyone in the world will perceive them. They are afraid people will say they did this to me, that they were bad parents, that they didn't love me enough...ect
My mom and dad are very biblical now.. and are wanting me to go to church with them. I keep telling them I'd love too but only if I go there authentically. They still won't talk to their pastor about me because they are ultimately ashamed to tell anyone that they have a transgender child.

Sucks for them is all I can say. I am done with being unhappy with myself to the point where I have suicide attempts again. I never ever want to go back to that place ever again and the uncertainty of transistioning does not scare me one bit. It's what I have to do.

[Hex]

I'm echoing everyone else. Your mother will cope. She won't die and things will get better. Don't ever let other's guilt trip you into their needs. It's a selfish plight often fueled by ignorance on the things that will be changing. And from what you're saying she doesn't wish to educate herself about it and would rather shun and run than stand up and listen. That's neither your fault nor your problem.

I'm doing something similar with my grandparents. They are very 50's mindset, stuck in their ways types of people and I've offered countless times to speak and educate them about what's going on but I too am handed the excuses and am ignored. And that's O.K! Because they aren't walking in my shoes. They just need to know this is happening whether they like it or not. It's not their life and all they have to do is sit and watch from the sidelines.
I won't let their shame, lack of tolerance and religious views bind me to a person I know I'm not. It's not their body that'll be buried in my casket when I die. And I'm going out of this world as a man.

Don't mean to tangent further but yeah. Your shoes, your body, your life. Not hers. Not her call. She won't magically pass away as soon as you get that shot. She'll suck it up and be ok. It just takes longer for some than others. Just let it roll off your back man and push forward.