I've been lurking around here for a little while and finally decided to join up and get a little more social. I'm hoping that becoming part of the community instead of keeping to myself will help me out a bit on what I feel is going to be a long and difficult journey to being who I truly am. I hope to make some new friends here and maybe get some direction from others who have already walked this road.
I'm still quite young at only 20, but from since I can remember I've never felt quite "right". Like I've always been on the wrong side of the fence. I remember being about six and asking my mother for one of those baby dolls with the hopes that I might discover why all of the other little girls liked playing with them so much so I could fit in. I never understood why I wasn't like all of the other girls growing up and devoted my childhood trying desperately to stick my square-peg self in a round hole.
The first time I had ever heard of things like being transgenered or transexual was when I was about 14 and my mother and I were watching one of those late-night crime dramas and the episode involved a MtF teen. I was so surprised that that was even a thing and felt like I had finally found an answer for everything. Unfortunately my mother spent the better part of a half hour afterwards telling me how glad she was that I supposedly didn't have that problem and that she would just die if I came to her telling her I was a boy instead of a girl.
Fast-forward to today past many of the same painful conversations being put to a stop by finally telling her how I felt and many, many more of us trying to understand each other's feelings on the matter and here I am. She told me that her real reservations on the subject reside with the bottom-surgery, which I have no interest in getting at this point in time. She has come to terms with the idea of me being a-gendered. After a lot more thought on the matter, I know in my heart that that still isn't me. I'm a young man and there really isn't any way around that.
I've decided that I want to transition and currently I'm working up the nerve to do so. Honestly, I'm really scared and I have no idea how I'm going to tell my mother, who has been so supportive in her own way thus far, that I want to pursue hormone replacement therapy and have the top surgery done. I'm almost certain that I'll end up losing the majority of the rest of my family who are all very conservative once I begin.
