Fear of failure after transition?

[E-Brennan]

The more "real" transition gets, the more I'm starting to think about how to organize everything else in my life other than trans stuff.  Primarily, my job and career.

I've resigned myself to the fact that coming out at work - the place I work at least - will essentially be throwing my entire career away.  I think a few supervisors and co-workers may surprise me with their support, but I'm sure an equal number will surprise me with how quickly they disown me.  (I'm thinking worst case scenario here.)

So, a question for those who have already transitioned: did you find that you replaced your pre-transition gender worries with post-transition work and money worries?  Or was the trade-off absolutely worth every cent?  Or maybe everything worked out just fine in your work life and there is nothing to worry about?

[Cindy]

I know I have said this before, but I was terrified of losing everything, job, whatever little social life I had, family, societal acceptance etc. But I reached a point where I just couldn't not be me.

I lost nothing.

My job is better, my relationships are better, I have a wide circle of friends who didn't exist before, work colleagues have had no issues. Yes there have been a few people at work who had issues, and a few were vocal, not so much to me but to colleagues, and strangely they have become isolated. There was a very definite feeling that 'Cindy is now a woman, so what get over it, if you can't it is your problem'. OK things have changed, I am a woman, I am accepted as a woman, I am stopped by colleagues in corridors etc by people, mainly other women, who just want  quick chat - usually along the lines of 'where did you get that dress, shoes, boots etc. Business dealings have been improved.

To be honest, yes some rough days, but now I am alive and I love it.

[Ms Grace]

It's only very early days for me, just coming up on my second month, but so far a resounding yes, it has definitely been worth it. Mind you, I knew going into this that I had an iron clad supportive work place, that my job was not at risk. (On top of that, good anti-discrimination protection here in Australia, even for trans people). I knew I had friends who were open minded and progressive and would be supportive. So far that has all panned out very well. Family is a bit more of a work in progress, especially brother and father. But yes, worth it! I'm much happier than I have been in ages, if ever.

[Gina Taylor]

Since going full time in January, I would say that my circle of friends has improve. I'm sure that people have noticed a change in me as well now that I am my true self.

[Ltl89]

The more "real" transition gets, the more I'm starting to think about how to organize everything else in my life other than trans stuff.  Primarily, my job and career.

I've resigned myself to the fact that coming out at work - the place I work at least - will essentially be throwing my entire career away.  I think a few supervisors and co-workers may surprise me with their support, but I'm sure an equal number will surprise me with how quickly they disown me.  (I'm thinking worst case scenario here.)

So, a question for those who have already transitioned: did you find that you replaced your pre-transition gender worries with post-transition work and money worries?  Or was the trade-off absolutely worth every cent?  Or maybe everything worked out just fine in your work life and there is nothing to worry about?

I can certainly understand these concerns.  A lot of the time I wonder how I'll ever get passed the roadblocks and actually live a succesful post transition life.  While I am not out of the woods in most areas and can't offer much guarantee, I will say the career front has actually been getting better as I move further into my transition.  Sure, I've had my ups and downs these past few months, but I was recently hired on permanent basis after working twice temp position at different points.  My boss has known all along that I'm trans and it's never been an issue. In any case, most people seem to care about your work and personality more than anything.  At least, that's what I've noticed from my interactions, though I haven't fully come out to everyone.   I should note that I almost work exclusively with women.  Again, that's just my own experience so far, but it could change once I go full time and fully come out at work.  But as odd as it is, I've felt more secure and financially stronger as I've gone further into my transition.  I'm likely an anomaly as I began my transition unemployed, so please don't take my story for anything other than an individual scenario.

[Jill F]

I did not fear failure after transition.  I suppose that was easy for me because I was already an abject failure as it was.

[Ms Grace]

I should add that I was having plenty of doubts right up to the threshold moment that I left for work on my "first day". And this was despite the excitement that I also felt for that day to arrive. It's more than common to be unsure about the unknown. Some of those things you can anticipate in advance, some you can't. You either plan to deal with them or deal with them as they arise.

[TheQuestion]

I work, decent job, but not a career.  I'll need a new one eventually.  So that really frightens me. 

I really only have a couple friends.  One I've told, under the guise that I had klinefelters and was urged medically to transition, based upon a failing internal system stemming from a hormonal imbalance (got pretty elaborate); don't see him often, but I feel he'd be cool with it.  The other friend I have is sort of a prick, kind of ignorant; told him the same and he just said "damn yo."  I'm not sure about him.  My family wound never disown me and they've been pretty supportive.  I ended up in a psychiatric ward not long ago and they sort of recognize the misery I'm in and "just want me to be happy."  I'm not totally concerned with family or friends.  Just hope they'd adjust and not be distraught about it themselves...

I'm concerned most about never really being able to see myself as a real woman if I end up an obvious ts. 

[Aquarelle]

I had got these big plans for the future - that I will keep all of my clients, students and stuff, I will keep my relationship and friends... Suddenly, despite all my efforts, everything failed into pieces and I just had to let it all go. My life is so much different now, even if I am not yet legally female, which causes many problems, but I now consider all this thing with the transition as a some sort of rebirth. You don't need to carry all of the luggage from your previous life into the new one - give yourself the chance to be free

[Junebug]

I had got these big plans for the future - that I will keep all of my clients, students and stuff, I will keep my relationship and friends... Suddenly, despite all my efforts, everything failed into pieces and I just had to let it all go. My life is so much different now, even if I am not yet legally female, which causes many problems, but I now consider all this thing with the transition as a some sort of rebirth. You don't need to carry all of the luggage from your previous life into the new one - give yourself the chance to be free

I like those last 2 lines of what you wrote, it is very upbeat and positive, and made me smile   I too dream of beautiful, new beginings.

[suzifrommd]

So, a question for those who have already transitioned: did you find that you replaced your pre-transition gender worries with post-transition work and money worries?  Or was the trade-off absolutely worth every cent?  Or maybe everything worked out just fine in your work life and there is nothing to worry about?

I do not currently have money worries, but I'm pretty frugal. My transition has been unbelievably expensive but worth every penny. Contrast that to my divorce, which cost more than twice as much and has been an utter money waster.

[E-Brennan]

A mix of good and bad, then.  But more good.  Hearing your experiences really helps, so thanks!

I guess it's sometimes hard to remember how utterly miserable life was before taking steps towards transitioning.  Back then, I was prepared to give up everything to transition.  There is no way I'd ever go back to that feeling of misery.

It's the change that is the scary part.  Losing friends, switching jobs or careers, an entire lifestyle shift.  But as long as it won't end in a cardboard box under a bridge, I'll be happy.

It might be the best thing to happen to me - getting rid of the past and starting afresh with a whole different set of goals.  How many people get that opportunity in life?  A chance to start from the beginning again and do things the right way, not making the same stupid decisions as before.  Small house, small life, simple existence, the basic goals of happiness and health.  Perfect!

[Kade1985]

I had similar concerns but so far I've lost nothing. My mother is a big brat at times, but I haven't lost a thing. I've only gained a sense of security over self (for the most part, I still have days). Course I'm like three months and a couple weeks on T so I haven't fully transitioned yet. When I started coming out at work I took it slow. Now everyone knows and they could care less. They sometimes make oopsies on the pronouns but usually correct themselves right after. They've gotten much better about it actually, they're getting use to it now.

But I would make back up plans just in case, cause you really never know until you say something. Just stay safe, stay strong, and be who you are meant to be.

[Miharu Barbie]

You can do this!  Make your plan and fully commit yourself to your transition, but know this: as you move through transition, there are always going to be people and circumstances that will surprise the dickens out of you.

I did transition on the job at a time when such things were very uncommon; generally speaking, people are much better informed about such matters these days.  When I transitioned, I worked in a key management position of a small corporation; for 7 years, everyone had known me as a man.  Before I made any big decisions, I made sure that I had the support of my bosses.  (My direct boss did not agree with what I was doing, and we had long, heated debates on the subject, but he always supported my right to self-determination.)

In November of 1998 I attached a "coming out" letter to every paycheck of every person in the company (about 150 people).  It was the day before Thanksgiving.  The letter informed everyone that when I returned to work the following Monday, I would have a new name, a new look, and a new gender.  The president of the company also attached a letter to everyone's paycheck letting them know that I had the full support of management and that no bigotry would be tolerated.

I pretty much knew which staff members would be supportive of me, and which ones would be hostile.  Almost to the person, I had it completely wrong.  The people I expected 100% support from turned completely hostile and distant, and the ones I expected rejection from became my most enthusiastic supporters/defenders. 

We, none of us, know the future.  Don't let your fear rule you.  Keep a positive attitude as much as possible, be the kind of person that others enjoy being around, commit to your path, and stay flexible enough to let life lead while you follow.

I stayed on that job for 2 years post transition.  Since then I've been in 3 significant relationships (I'm about to celebrate my 7th wedding anniversary.)  Also, since I left that first job as Miharu 14 years ago, I've worked in the finance office for a chain of health clinics, I spent 4 years running the offices of a construction firm, I was a finance professional for V-Tec, then for Widmer Brothers Brewery, and have worked in my present job, the international headquarters for a large Catholic ministry, for the past 8 years.  I've never lived under a bridge, never been homeless, never wondered where my next meal was coming from.  In fact, since transition, I have enjoyed far more success and acceptance in the workplace than I ever experienced pre transition.  If I had to pick 1 reason for that success, I would say it's because I've been a happier person.  In my experience, when put in a pool of equally qualified candidates for a potential job, I have a tendency to stand out as the happy, friendly, positive minded individual in the crowd.  I know for me, when I hire someone to work in my office, I always gravitate towards the person who I believe will be the most enjoyable to spend my days with.  I believe a positive attitude has always given me an edge in business, in love and in life.

Sorry for the length of this.  I had a lot to say.  I hope you find this helpful.

Peace,
Miharu

[Missy~rmdlm]

Transitioning on the job worked fine for me. There is an issue that I am in a very small tightknit crew. Part of a larger organization of 380 employees. I do my job well. My crew and whole division practically operates under the radar of the larger organization. In other ways, being government, I must be concerned about politics, apparently higher-ups are more than happy leave my transition to progress quietly.
My SRS was covered by insurance, again, quietly.

[E-Brennan]

In fact, since transition, I have enjoyed far more success and acceptance in the workplace than I ever experienced pre transition.  If I had to pick 1 reason for that success, I would say it's because I've been a happier person.  In my experience, when put in a pool of equally qualified candidates for a potential job, I have a tendency to stand out as the happy, friendly, positive minded individual in the crowd.  I know for me, when I hire someone to work in my office, I always gravitate towards the person who I believe will be the most enjoyable to spend my days with.  I believe a positive attitude has always given me an edge in business, in love and in life.

Sorry for the length of this.  I had a lot to say.  I hope you find this helpful.

Very useful!  Thanks.