I spent a little bit of time reading some of your earlier posts, I think that there is a theme which you iterate here. The gender you live in doesn't work for you very well and the gender you feel drawn towards is both ambiguous and scary. Suzi as always is perceptive, that what you do doesn't necessarily align with who you are. I hid behind commercial fishing, logging, a lot of things, because I truly did not want to be trans. Are you using activities to let you keep you from really examining who you authentically are?
One thing I haven't seen, but that may just be an oversight, is much reference to counseling. I could not understand myself on my own, I needed and eventually wanted help. If you are not talking to someone trained in gender identification issues you are selling yourself short and making how you find your path infinitely harder.
Some of your concerns, wanting a family for example are profound and for some people existential. Can you live in your current role for 20+ more years? I chose to, and by the time I finally surrendered had damaged the lives of most everyone I loved. My daughter loves and accepts me, but I have lost the respect and friendship of most of the people I cherished in my prior life. Almost entirely because I tried to live a lie.
I would not live another day as a man. It is just simply not who I am, and I cannot pretend otherwise. I was perfectly willing to accept a life where intimacy was a memory, and partnership unlikely. I'm sixty-one years old. It seemed pretty certain I would be alone with my dogs, my books, and the community of friends who have graced my life over the past two years. But even the dream of partnering with a caring person in honesty and authenticity seems to be being filled. If we keep our eyes and hearts open, it is amazing what the universe provides.
There is no trans-karma. We are not limited by anything if we don't accept the limitation. Yes being authentic is hard, yes there are costs and risks. But I can not choose not to live as the woman I am. To do so is to choose such limitation that I would likely die or disappear. I don't know if this is helpful, It asks more questions than gives answers or comfort, but you are worth finding out who you are and then living that life!
Good luck on your path,
Julie