I cant think any labels seem to fit quite right

[jaybutterfly]

which is hilarious since girls shoes are never able to fit my man feet at size 10.5 UK haha

but seriously, I feel my gender isnt male, but I am still not sure what works best for me other than 'transgender.'

I have some things people would consider masculine: weight lifting, sports, martial arts, etc

but then I feel I indentify emotionally better with women and I cant seem to understand guys for toffee. I like wearing make up and skirts, I like fashion and beautification and I want feminine hair and build for myself. I want to be accepted that despite my appearance, the whole masculine thing doesnt work for me at all. Ive tried forcing it but it doesnt work for me at all.

I do find it causes me issues in dating and feeling I might be judged or rejected for it, but then again, it doesnt make me feel world destroyingly miserable either. I always figured I was different at some fundamental level from other people I knew and this seems to be the peg that fit the hole. I just dont know sometimes if its all in my head or not because I hear about all the horror stories of 'transition or die' is the only way people feel trans people can be.

Any thoughts?

[suzifrommd]

I have some things people would consider masculine: weight lifting, sports, martial arts, etc

I feel I indentify emotionally better with women and I cant seem to understand guys for toffee. I like wearing make up and skirts, I like fashion and beautification and I want feminine hair and build for myself. I want to be accepted that despite my appearance, the whole masculine thing doesnt work for me at all. Ive tried forcing it but it doesnt work for me at all.

IMO none of this has anything to do with your gender.

I know that sounds surprising, but I don't see many people coming upon their gender identity by trying to match their interests and aptitudes with what is typical.

It was a long trip for me. I ended up decided that I could live with never being male again (though it would be strange and alien) but that I would feel like a part of me were chopped off if I was never able to be female. This was a shock to me, because I'd been happy living as a male for 50 years. However, I've now been female for the best 11 months of my life.

I forced myself to choose one of the two binary genders. I decided that I didn't want the burden of explaining to people how I could be both male and female and that they probably wouldn't believe me if I did. They would just treat me the way I looked, which, in the absence of any kind of transition was male.

Some people don't mind the task of introducing non-binary to the world, and others don't care how people view them. If you're one of those, it may not be necessary to choose.

However, if you're like me, who needs to exist in the social universe as a creature people can recognize, you may find you'll need to pick. In that case, it has nothing to do with what you like doing, or what you understand. You'll need to figure out how your brain is wired.

[jaybutterfly]

IMO none of this has anything to do with your gender.

I know that sounds surprising, but I don't see many people coming upon their gender identity by trying to match their interests and aptitudes with what is typical.

I can understand to a point, but I am probably comparing how i feel to the expected gender norms of society here in the west. Most of my interests and hobbies fit more into what is deemed male dominated activities, but I still feel I dont fit, on the inside at the least. I get kind of upset when I realize I am male and thus not pretty like i want to be. I see girls bodies and things that are aimed at girls and want it for myself. I'm pretty sure that wanting to look female doesn't upset male identifying men.

heck me just putting the word 'men' there and applying it to myself felt odd. I don't know for sure however, if this feeling will get worse or not.

[JulieBlair]

I spent a little bit of time reading some of your earlier posts,  I think that there is a theme which you iterate here. The gender you live in doesn't work for you very well and the gender you feel drawn towards is both ambiguous and scary.  Suzi as always is perceptive, that what you do doesn't necessarily align with who you are.  I hid behind commercial fishing, logging, a lot of things, because I truly did not want to be trans.  Are you using activities to let you keep you from really examining who you authentically are?

One thing I haven't seen, but that may just be an oversight, is much reference to counseling.  I could not understand myself on my own, I needed and eventually wanted help.  If you are not talking to someone trained in gender identification issues you are selling yourself short and making how you find your path infinitely harder. 

Some of your concerns, wanting a family for example are profound and for some people existential.  Can you live in your current role for 20+ more years?  I chose to, and by the time I finally surrendered had damaged the lives of most everyone I loved.  My daughter loves and accepts me, but I have lost the respect and friendship of most of the people I cherished in my prior life.  Almost entirely because I tried to live a lie.

I would not live another day as a man.  It is just simply not who I am, and I cannot pretend otherwise.  I was perfectly willing to accept a life where intimacy was a memory, and partnership unlikely.  I'm sixty-one years old.  It seemed pretty certain I would be alone with my dogs, my books, and the community of friends who have graced my life over the past two years.  But even the dream of partnering with a caring person in honesty and authenticity seems to be being filled.  If we keep our eyes and hearts open, it is amazing what the universe provides.

There is no trans-karma.  We are not limited by anything if we don't accept the limitation.  Yes being authentic is hard, yes there are costs and risks.  But I can not choose not to live as the woman I am.  To do so is to choose such limitation that I would likely die or disappear.  I don't know if this is helpful, It asks more questions than gives answers or comfort, but you are worth finding out who you are and then living that life!

Good luck on your path,
Julie

[jaybutterfly]

I spent a little bit of time reading some of your earlier posts,  I think that there is a theme which you iterate here. The gender you live in doesn't work for you very well and the gender you feel drawn towards is both ambiguous and scary.  Suzi as always is perceptive, that what you do doesn't necessarily align with who you are.  I hid behind commercial fishing, logging, a lot of things, because I truly did not want to be trans.  Are you using activities to let you keep you from really examining who you authentically are?

One thing I haven't seen, but that may just be an oversight, is much reference to counseling.  I could not understand myself on my own, I needed and eventually wanted help.  If you are not talking to someone trained in gender identification issues you are selling yourself short and making how you find your path infinitely harder. 

Some of your concerns, wanting a family for example are profound and for some people existential.  Can you live in your current role for 20+ more years?  I chose to, and by the time I finally surrendered had damaged the lives of most everyone I loved.  My daughter loves and accepts me, but I have lost the respect and friendship of most of the people I cherished in my prior life.  Almost entirely because I tried to live a lie.
I would not live another day as a man.  It is just simply not who I am, and I cannot pretend otherwise.  I was perfectly willing to accept a life where intimacy was a memory, and partnership unlikely.  I'm sixty-one years old.  It seemed pretty certain I would be alone with my dogs, my books, and the community of friends who have graced my life over the past two years.  But even the dream of partnering with a caring person in honesty and authenticity seems to be being filled.  If we keep our eyes and hearts open, it is amazing what the universe provides.

There is no trans-karma.  We are not limited by anything if we don't accept the limitation.  Yes being authentic is hard, yes there are costs and risks.  But I can not choose not to live as the woman I am.  To do so is to choose such limitation, that I would likely die or disappear.  I don't know if this is helpful, It asks more questions than give answers or comfort, but you are worth finding out who you are and living that life!

Good luck on your path,
Julie

The activites I pick like martial arts is more out of a life long interest of learning. Weights and exercise are just down to me having lots of energy and liking the endorphin release, its the only high I can actually hit these days thats not requiring me to ingest stuff.

Counselling is tough here. My doctors are gatekeeping me and making my depression a higher priority than the gender issues I raised with them, and the one couseller I did see for my depression, when I told her I researched trans subjects like SRS just to make sure I knew what I was actually talking about, got huffy with me and sent me off. They literally told me: fix your depression and anxiety, then we'll deal with your beliefs. I felt the counsellor was not particularly open minded about the subject being frank.

I live in a retirement area with few doctors and there are no gender counsellors I have found in this area with over 8 months of looking around and i havent found any references for any through my GP, and I find I actually had more sympathy from a medical student than anyone at the practice I go to for medical needs. The nearest trans support group is an hours train ride from my place and Im honestly tempted to start going there for more help because I feel quite lonely in working this out for myself. Theres not much else I can actually do at this point when Im in this spot. All I have is one friend who has other trans friends and encourages me to explore this for myself and she helps me with things like make up and clothing to hide my male features better so when we go out drinking I can look in the mirror, see something more feminine and actually feel better about myself, that Im projecting part of me that I normally cant

[JulieBlair]

So where are you at?  It might be worth an hour commute to get the perspective you need.  The response you describe in completely non professional, and almost actionable.  Depression doesn't exist in a vacuum.  For people like me it was a direct result of dysphoria and until I seriously examined that, the chances of getting well were nil.  I am no longer depressed or otherwise mentally ill.

I ditched the resistance training before transitioning.  It helped me a lot to be able to begin the process of becoming less bulky early.  I also began running 5k every day to keep fit, and burn off the energy.  If you choose to go forward with HRT, your body will change pretty dramatically after a few months, and be sure to put some sperm in cold storage before you mess with any hormones.

There is nothing about this that is easy - or that can be done without tremendous commitment.  The only reason to even consider transitioning is because you just can't imagine not doing it.  Gender dysphoria is real and can be life threatening.  I don't know if it is for you, but without talking to someone, neither do you.  I don't have answers for you, but I can tell you that with courage and commitment, life can be a wonderful as you can imagine.  In my case even more so.

Julie

[jaybutterfly]

So where are you at?  It might be worth an hour commute to get the perspective you need.  The response you describe in completely non professional, and almost actionable.  Depression doesn't exist in a vacuum.  For people like me it was a direct result of dysphoria and until I seriously examined that, the chances of getting well were nil.  I am no longer depressed or otherwise mentally ill.

I ditched the resistance training before transitioning.  It helped me a lot to be able to begin the process of becoming less bulky early.  I also began running 5k every day to keep fit, and burn off the energy.  If you choose to go forward with HRT, your body will change pretty dramatically after a few months, and be sure to put some sperm in cold storage before you mess with any hormones.

There is nothing about this that is easy - or that can be done without tremendous commitment.  The only reason to even consider transitioning is because you just can't imagine not doing it.  Gender dysphoria is real and can be life threatening.  I don't know if it is for you, but without talking to someone, neither do you.  I don't have answers for you, but I can tell you that with courage and commitment, life can be a wonderful as you can imagine.  In my case even more so.

Julie

This is basically how I feel. I dont understand myself, and I usually shut down a lot of my feelings about the matter, though it has gotten easier from being on here or talking to my friend. I know it has gotten stronger, noticably in the last year, but I dont feel so horrendous that it's life threatening to me, yet. Does mess with my dating life a lot though. It's less the dysphoria itself I'd say, more what its effecting thats bothering me right now, though I feel it could well get stronger with age.

And that doctors answer did seem quite rude, yeah.

[helen2010]

jay

labels are rarely precise.  We really are unique.  Our genes, our biology, our socialisation, our formative experiences, our dreams and our fears all differ.   Pink and blue labels may work for some, but for many of us they are an unsatisfactory approximation.  Our identities are more complex, more nuanced or perhaps more fluid than this. 

The search for authenticity is best done with a guide - therapist, friend, support group or even online.  Take your time.  This really is a journey.  The first and most obvious answer is rarely the final answer.  Taking your time and consciously choosing your direction and pace will help you take charge of your journey and narrative. 

For many of us dysmorphia was successfully addressed by low dose hrt and minimal additional changes were needed.  For others this was accompanied by change in presentation and expression.  While for others they have found peace and joy at various points on the continuum from minimal change to a full transition to the opposite binary.

Safe travels

Aisla