Gender Confusion

[ConfusedGuy27]

Hi,

I'm 19 and I identify as a gay male. However, over the past two years or so, I've increasingly come to question my gender identity. Things I've chalked up to being related to my sexuality in the past have increasingly become more apparent to have stemmed from my desire to be a woman. As a child I'd dress up in woman's clothing, all of my friends were girls, and whenever we'd play makebelieve I'd always play a girl character. Even today, I'll only play a video game if the main character is a woman. I just find it hard to relate to men.

Well, more accurately, I find it hard to relate to masculinity. Masculine women are just as off-putting to me as masculine men. I just have nothing in common with them, and it makes me very uncomfortable to be in a situation where I have to be around masculine persons.

However, I've never actively experienced gender dysphoria. I mean, look back I can see hints of it, but it has never been a big thing. I don't find myself turned off by my penis, and I enjoy masturbation, so I don't have a necessarily strong disassociation with my physical self, it's definitely more of a mental thing. If that makes any sense at all :/

I guess I just need some validation that what I'm experiencing is normal, because right now I just feel wrong. Like nobody out there understands... it's a lot like when I first thought I was gay, and that was a very dark time in my life that I'm scared to live through again.

[Ms Grace]

Hey!

You'll find that people have many pathways into questioning their gender identity. What you describe is experienced by some and not by others. You might just be questioning gender constructs and how you relate to them, or you may have some dysphoria. If it is concerning you and unsettling you then you might like to talk to a counsellor, specifically one with a bit of gender related experience, and see if you gain clarity that way. Of course, this forum can help too.

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

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Cheers

Grace

[Asche]

Well, more accurately, I find it hard to relate to masculinity. Masculine women are just as off-putting to me as masculine men. I just have nothing in common with them, and it makes me very uncomfortable to be in a situation where I have to be around masculine persons.

However, I've never actively experienced gender dysphoria. ...

Sounds a lot like me, although I haven't had enough experience with "masculine women" to say if they put me off.

The whole "being a man" thing and the stuff men do to express/prove/experience their man-ness (especially in groups) really alienates me.  Actually, it grosses me out. It's like the "drink til you throw up" culture I experienced in college.  Please: do it somewhere where I don't have to see it or hear it (or smell it )  I don't call my self "male" any more, I call myself "male-bodied."  I don't think of myself as a woman, even in spirit, but I sure as XXX don't think of myself as a "man."

(OT: is there such a thing as "burning your man card" as a political protest, the way we used to publicly burn our draft cards during the Vietnam Forever War?)

[Rayne]

Not all transgendered (In this case I mean those who have the opposite GI as their body displays) have significant gender dysphoria. And it sounds like you are just looking into your gender identity now. And it's not an easy topic. I remember 5-7 months ago when I first started looking into it. Everyone on the RP forum I was on thought I was a girl, I'd refused to say before. I showed them a picture to prove what I said, that I look like 11-13 years younger than I am, and I passed as a girl to a guy I previously told I was a boy. I got such a warm-fuzzy feeling from it. It wasn't at all like a joking feeling like I'd tricked them into thinking I was a girl. The warm fuzzy's got me thinking I might have some gender issues. So I began taking things out of the closet. I was always curious and really wanted to try on girls clothing. I had daydreams of being a girl or gender changing. Not as myself, but the main hero of my daydreams, he one that represented me, was always a girl or later became one. I'd even had more telling daydreams than just that. Other things like this lead me to question myself. It took 5 or so months to finally stop the denial I was in for a few months. After hiding these things in a locked closet for years, it's not easy to just suddenly find your inner self. You've trained yourself not to see it after all. And I had no GD (Gender Dysphoria.) This article really gave some helpfull insight. And after months I could see relationships. I talked to 2 MtF's I knew. One of whom is on this site. (LittleEmily24) I asked many questions and was asked as much as I asked. It took countless questions to figure it out. At first I over-thought everything. But as I said, I was trained to not see myself.

You may or may not have gender issues, and this is all my opinion or my own experiences. However I think you might have some issues to work out. And I've heard of multiple cases where a gay male was simply a straight female inside. However I can't say. Ask yourself Look down in your innermost core. Is there any doubt? most cis people never even question it, because there is no doubt at all. If you have doubts, it's best to look into your gender identity. You may be transgender, (used the same way as before) Genderfluid, bigender, or maybe even agender. There is no way for me to tell.

I can only recommend lots of questions and help from friends, and a lot of introspection.

[Umiko]

was in the same boat. i thought i was gay, tried to date a man, felt even more confused becuz it didnt work out. constantly bugged my mother saying i felt out of place and that i was a girl, but it went into remission. nearly killed me though but i still kept in my closet until recently for some unexpected reason, i got this screaming in my head and well, all hell was already breaking lose so i couldnt ignore it. glad i didnt to becuz it i had, i wouldnt of survived another month. i suggest doing a little self exploration and write down everything you feel, examine it and if more than 5 things scream female, than see if you can find a counselor to talk so you until you feel comfortable speaking to therapist who deals with gender dysphoria.

[Taka]

wearing girl clothes is something many little boys do, before they're told that boys aren't supposed to wear them. they aren't even supposed to want to wear them. though that's only true in modern society, only a few decades ago, and even still in some families, the boys would wear the same practical dresses as girls would, and they'd only change into knickers when they started school. before that, gender was totally unimportant.

but worrying about gender as you grow older, is more common among transgender people. it is completely normal both for non-hetero and trans people. probably a part of the long process that it is to find your own identity when you can't identify properly with the large cis-hetero male or female group which most people in the world identify so closely with that the thought they might be something else doesn't even hit them.

wondering if you might be trans doesn't make you trans. either you are, or you're not, and there are other things that can trigger a wish to be the opposite sex or to wear clothing designed for the opposite sex. and gender typical interests aren't really that typical, so just try to pull all those out of the equation when thinking about things. it can be very tricky to find out whether you are or not. some hope they're not, but become happier for every little change they make, until all they can do is capitulate to their internal gender so they can get some peace and real happiness. others are sure that they are, but find out through the process of transition that they were really something else. there is no rule that you must have always known in order for it to be true.

i'm probably just confusing you even more right now, huh... but i really just want you to relax a little while exploring things. a full transition isn't something that every trans person needs, and some don't even want it. in order to find out what's best for you, it's very important to listen to your gut feeling, and remember those moments when you feel really good or awful about something in your interaction with other people. did the feeling stem from being treated like a specific gender? if it does, that's a rather important sign, and much more so than wanting to wear pretty dresses. it should be fairly normal for anyone to want to wear pretty dresses, as they are pretty.

sorry, i just don't really understand this gender thing at all these days.

[ConfusedGuy27]

Hey everybody, thanks so much for all of your input. I saw a psychologist this afternoon and discussed my feelings with her, and when I told her that I'd started doing drag while living away from home last year she asked if I could consider living my life as a male and just continuing dressing up occasionally. I had a bit of an epiphany, and from it came a moment of complete horror as I realised... no. No, I can't continue living the rest of my life as a man doing drag.
And I noticed that when she complimented me, saying that my features and body shape would make me an attractive woman, I got butterflies that I've never gotten from somebody telling me that I'm an attractive boy.

[Eva Marie]

This article really gave some helpfull insight.

That article absolutely nailed what dysphoria was like for me. Thanks for posting it!

[Taka]

looks like you already found your answer. congratulations!
if it's really as simple as that, you're seriously lucky. when i did the same thought experiment, the answer i found was that i wouldn't want to live the entire rest of my life exclusively as either gender. there shouldn't be a need to choose either or, though you're lucky if you only really need either one of the binary genders.

[Rayne]

That article absolutely nailed what dysphoria was like for me. Thanks for posting it!

Yeah I read it 3-4 times. only the last hit my greatly, because my denial was weaker that time.  Also I'd keep thinking about it/ Sometimes finding yourself is easy, but if you don't think things through you can have misunderstandings. I've heard of a rare case when someone fully transitioned and SRS'd, only to find themselves depressed and desperately trying to undo it all.  Granted I've only seen 1 case of that in my research. But still, it's best not to say you are or are not too hastily. Not that I don't believe you! our circumstances are very different. Anyway. Just be who you are and don't rush it. It's taken me half a year almost.

[Asche]

This article really gave some helpfull insight.

That article absolutely nailed what dysphoria was like for me. Thanks for posting it!

I agree.  I read it when it first came out.  It's how I ended up here.  (Whether that was a Good Thing^tm I leave up to you )

She's actually got a lot of good stuff, not just that article.

BTW, is there any way to put in a permanent link to the article somewhere on this site?