Hi, Theadanielle!
I can certainly relate to what you're saying. Perhaps it's a problem we older people have (and sad to say, I'm a fair bit older than you). You live so long in the male world that you develop an image of yourself as male. So when you switch over to the female world, even though you're living according to your nature, according to your psychological necessity, there can be a conflict within you.
One thing I had to get over: in the time leading up to my coming-out, I was trying to convince myself that I didn't really want to come out. I had finally admitted to myself that I was trans, but I kept telling myself, "Coming out is OK for others, but I'm not really that sort of transperson. That's just not me."
How much sense does that make? What sort of transperson is the right sort to come out? And what sort of transperson was I, that I wouldn't be the right sort to come out?
I eventually realized that I was still dealing with feelings of shame. I'd accepted that I was trans, but not really. I eventually got over that hurdle.
This may not be your case. You may not still be dealing with residual feelings of shame or non-acceptance or whatever. Maybe you need to think about it, see if you can identify your feelings.
It may be nothing more than ordinary fear. Transitioning is a huge, huge step to take, and as exciting, fulfilling, exhilarating as it is, it is scary. No need to be ashamed if you're feeling a bit of fear or uncertainty.
I changed my legal name after I'd been out full-time for only three months. Now that's a big step to take, and I was afraid that I was doing it too quickly. But when you're out, it's extremely inconvenient to have a male name, and I was quite sure at that point that I never wanted to go back to my old life. So I changed my name, and I haven't regretted it. You can always be afraid that you're doing things to quickly.
I can't tell you what to do, of course. You have to decide for yourself. But I might counsel you a bit of patience.
I've been out full-time for a year and a half now, and one thing I've learned is that your feelings evolve a great deal as you go along. You have to be patient, let them evolve in their own time. I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know if I was anticipating a full-blown revelation and all of a sudden things would be entirely different.
Maybe it works that way for some people, but it didn't for me. Changes have been steady and profound, but they do come in their own time.
E.g., I don't really feel totally integrated into the female world at this point. How could I? I spent so long in the male world that I don't see how I could expect to switch over completely in the blink of an eye. These things can take time.
But there are various ways of gauging your evolution. E.g., I'm still in the process of getting used to my new name. No surprise if that should take some time, I used the old one for so many years. But it is a fact that my old one means nothing to me any more. Emotionally I feel completely detached from it at this point. So in a way I'm in something of a no-man's-land at this point in this regard. Other people switched over to using my new name very quickly. It's taking me a lot longer.
I've stopped worrying about this sort of thing. I believe in letting things come in their own time. I can't see that it does any good to ask myself, "What should I be feeling? Oh, my God, I'm not feeling that! Is there something wrong with me?"
For me, because of my age, because of all the many years I spent living under a false identity, what I call my "personal transition"--that is getting to know myself in my true identity--is something that requires time. In a way, I feel like I don't really know myself. I'm like a stranger to myself because I always had so many barriers in place specifically so that I wouldn't know who I truly was.
But the question I ask myself is this: if I could go back to my old life, would I do it? Most emphatically not. The mere thought sends a shudder through me.
Maybe you should ask yourself that question. You're in the midst of your transition. If you could turn the clock back, go back to your old life, would you do it? If not, then you know that transitioning is right for you. You have to go forward, you have to face whatever doubts or fears you have and allow them to die a peaceful death in their own good time.
A lot of the time I don't really know how I feel about myself. Sometimes I have residual (and awful) male feelings. A lot of the time when I'm out and about and not really conscious of myself, I do have something of a female image of myself. Sometimes I feel caught in the middle, neither one nor the other.
I don't see any need to worry about this. I'm getting to know myself, and sooner or later I think--I hope--I'll know who and where I am.
Sorry for this long, rambling post, but as you see, your situation struck a chord with me.
I wish you all the best,
Foxglove
