Advice on telling mother of my son's friend

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

My son who is six and just finished Kindergarten has his very first real friend coming to visit him next week. I'm wondering if I should tell his friend's mom that I'm trans. If I don't tell her, she won't suspect on meeting me. I meet other mom's all the time who don't know. But I live in the very small community where I transitioned. I'm fortunate that I pass. Unquestioned. But I couldn't be stealth if I wanted to be. My only fear is that I might be subjecting myself to danger or that villagers might show up with pitchforks. Irrational?

[Shantel]

My son who is six and just finished Kindergarten has his very first real friend coming to visit him next week. I'm wondering if I should tell his friend's mom that I'm trans. If I don't tell her, she won't suspect on meeting me. I meet other mom's all the time who don't know. But I live in the very small community where I transitioned. I'm fortunate that I pass. Unquestioned. But I couldn't be stealth if I wanted to be. My only fear is that I might be subjecting myself to danger or that villagers might show up with pitchforks. Irrational?

Jane you're right that is an irrational fear, do't say a word about it, just be the woman and mom that you are. If someone should figure it out later so what? You can deal with that graciously if and when that should ever happen. Trust me on this one hon!

[Vicky]

I would certainly not make it the first topic of conversation with her, unless there seems to be a serious need.  If the two of you, (and there needs to be two adults insight of each other and the children for the adult's safety) get on well as girl friends the topic might be needed if some aspects of your childhood come up that could only be explained by you have been born male.  Other than that, six year old's wear out pretty soon even on good play days and the time will not be long.  The other chance would be if you know your child has outed you to the other child, and the child will be mentioning it to their parents.  Also if the other mother mentions family members of hers in the Trans* spectrum with her being open minded about it, then it could be safe.  The important item is to let the kids have time together as long as their attention spans can deal with it.

Play it intelligently and with an attitude of friendship that is Mom to Mom friendly.  Caution and humor vs fear.  I do not see any serious problems if you say nothing about you being Trans*.

[immortal gypsy]

You transitioned in the same small community that you are living in so son has a friend (school? ) coming over it might be already know,  mummy mafia can be very vicious with when it comes to their children's friends.   Danger to you what is the political and atmosphere like in the community, if you transitioned and stayed I'm presuming safe but these things change.
You mentioned you are fortunate that you pass unquestioned,  and you couldn't be stealth if you tried.  Normally I would say put your boy first and tell her BUT from those two statements I would suggest to keep quiet

[Jill F]

If they don't really need to know, they don't really need to know.  Crap, I sound like Yogi Berra there, but I am very careful about whom I tell.

[Just Shelly]

I think it all depends on if your ex is also involved with their friends, she is willing to accept that you refer yourself as the children's mother and most of all....your child is ok with it! For me the second two are the ones that prevent me from just being another mother to my children's friends. I understand to a point since my children do have a biological mother, but I have tried to tell them it has nothing to do with me trying or wanting to be there mother, its for convenience only.

I've had to go through this situation many times, as I have 3 children. My children do not mind me being referred to as their mom when out and about or if it is an acquaintances but to there friends and anyone that knows us as a family I am their dad. I understand they do not want to call me mom or refer to me as their mom, they have one, but certain times it would be nice so I wouldn't have to out myself always. It also such a waste at times cause most of their friends don't even meet their biological mom, often their friends that are told think my children are joking or lying to them. My middle child has referred to me as his mom early on in his friendships but then eventually tells them. It does work out better, sooner or later an awkward situation will arise. The same goes with telling someone that you may be in a relationship with....this is even harder for me to do!!

I do have many times that I am at my children's school events and am assumed as their mother, at least don't have to out myself at these and can enjoy my time being there as just another parent. I hope you have an understanding ex and she allows the children to have 2 moms....unfortunately I have an ex that is not one of the greatest mothers, but forbids my children to call or even think of me as a mother 🙁

[Shantel]

I think it all depends on if your ex is also involved with their friends, she is willing to accept that you refer yourself as the children's mother and most of all....your child is ok with it! For me the second two are the ones that prevent me from just being another mother to my children's friends. I understand to a point since my children do have a biological mother, but I have tried to tell them it has nothing to do with me trying or wanting to be there mother, its for convenience only.

I've had to go through this situation many times, as I have 3 children. My children do not mind me being referred to as their mom when out and about or if it is an acquaintances but to there friends and anyone that knows us as a family I am their dad. I understand they do not want to call me mom or refer to me as their mom, they have one, but certain times it would be nice so I wouldn't have to out myself always. It also such a waste at times cause most of their friends don't even meet their biological mom, often their friends that are told think my children are joking or lying to them. My middle child has referred to me as his mom early on in his friendships but then eventually tells them. It does work out better, sooner or later an awkward situation will arise. The same goes with telling someone that you may be in a relationship with....this is even harder for me to do!!

I do have many times that I am at my children's school events and am assumed as their mother, at least don't have to out myself at these and can enjoy my time being there as just another parent. I hope you have an understanding ex and she allows the children to have 2 moms....unfortunately I have an ex that is not one of the greatest mothers, but forbids my children to call or even think of me as a mother

Thanks for chiming on this for Jane, funny thing Shelly but I was thinking of you when I first responded to this and thought Shelly would know what to say.

[stephaniec]

I'd let the situation flow , not deal with it unless it comes up . You look great so I doubt it would be a problem with his mother. Now maybe if you had a beard I'd be a little concerned

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

I think it all depends on if your ex is also involved with their friends, she is willing to accept that you refer yourself as the children's mother and most of all....your child is ok with it! For me the second two are the ones that prevent me from just being another mother to my children's friends. I understand to a point since my children do have a biological mother, but I have tried to tell them it has nothing to do with me trying or wanting to be there mother, its for convenience only.

I've had to go through this situation many times, as I have 3 children. My children do not mind me being referred to as their mom when out and about or if it is an acquaintances but to there friends and anyone that knows us as a family I am their dad. I understand they do not want to call me mom or refer to me as their mom, they have one, but certain times it would be nice so I wouldn't have to out myself always. It also such a waste at times cause most of their friends don't even meet their biological mom, often their friends that are told think my children are joking or lying to them. My middle child has referred to me as his mom early on in his friendships but then eventually tells them. It does work out better, sooner or later an awkward situation will arise. The same goes with telling someone that you may be in a relationship with....this is even harder for me to do!!

I do have many times that I am at my children's school events and am assumed as their mother, at least don't have to out myself at these and can enjoy my time being there as just another parent. I hope you have an understanding ex and she allows the children to have 2 moms....unfortunately I have an ex that is not one of the greatest mothers, but forbids my children to call or even think of me as a mother

So much helpful and good advice from all you gals--Shantel, Stephanie, Jill, Gypsy, Vicki, and Shelley. I always feel like I'm in such kind, good hands when I drop a concern in this little digital box. I've decided to withhold the information for now. If I let lying dogs lie, I'm by no means a lying bitch. 

Shelley, I just want to say that I really feel tender toward your situation. To my son, I'm Mom only, although he calls his other mom that as well. My daughter calls me Mom half the time, and Jane the other half. I let the children choose what to call me, and that's been the way it has worked out. My ex doesn't like that they're calling me Mom too, but she's getting used to it. I'm fortunate to have been married to a very reasonable woman and have the privilege of having remained good friends with her despite the close of our romantic relationship.

I hope that this doesn't come off sounding like advice, Shelley. I don't mean it that way. It's one thing if your ex won't let the children call you Mom in front of her, it's quite another for her to presume to control how they may conceive of you. These situations are so complex, but the simple truth is that as a female parent you have every right to be a mom and even consider yourself biologically their mother even if you did not give birth.

[Just Shelly]

Shelley, I just want to say that I really feel tender toward your situation. To my son, I'm Mom only, although he calls his other mom that as well. My daughter calls me Mom half the time, and Jane the other half. I let the children choose what to call me, and that's been the way it has worked out. My ex doesn't like that they're calling me Mom too, but she's getting used to it. I'm fortunate to have been married to a very reasonable woman and have the privilege of having remained good friends with her despite the close of our romantic relationship.

I hope that this doesn't come off sounding like advice, Shelley. I don't mean it that way. It's one thing if your ex won't let the children call you Mom in front of her, it's quite another for her to presume to control how they may conceive of you. These situations are so complex, but the simple truth is that as a female parent you have every right to be a mom and even consider yourself biologically their mother even if you did not give birth.

Thank you Jane! I do wish my circumstances were like yours. My ex and I do get along to a point....but there's no co-parenting I have tried but there's no communication. I decided 2 years ago to not involve her with our life unless its needed. She has much control over my children, my children seem to love her more and fear her even more. Did I mention she's an outright b**ch. It doesn't help that I have let my boys walk all over me. This hasn't anything to do with my transition, I have always been too passive and fear they won't want to live with me. I am the same parent I was before, I am not afraid to discipline and enforce consequences, but I am by myself, I don't have anyone to back me up. At times they have even gotten physical with me, something they would never do with their bio mom and definitely not with their stepdad. I am at a lost as to what to do.

I have explained why I prefer to be called mom, and in no way am I trying to replace her. She has brainwashed them though and the older they get the more they hate me. I'm so sick of it. My main concern in life has always been to instill good morals, values and virtues within them, often I witness these traits in them. I won't take credit since it is they who are making good decisions, but I get so sick of not being appreciated at all and there mother is gold. She has done NOTHING to ensure they grow up to being responsible young men. Yes she provides the necessities of life and she makes good money so she is able to provide more; but beyond the food, haircuts, cell phones and other toys there's nothing else she provides. To all others she such a good mother, and I'm just some freak. If they only knew. Someday my boys will, until then I'll just take the humility.

Sorry if I am going on a rant, I am in a bad place and how my children are treating me isn't helping!

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Oh, Shelly. That sounds so painful and I'm so sorry. I'd like to write more, but that will have to wait. I hope that you understand how valuable you are as their mother.