Feeling useless and obsolete

[Jessica Merriman]

It has been said "Even the strongest have their moments of fatigue". I never really understood this statement until now with some things I have experienced here lately. I have always considered myself strong and undefeatable during my life and career never letting anything beat me and improvising however I had to so I could help people in their moments of greatest need. I have sacrificed my body and mental health dealing with horrors many will never know about or should have to. I have persevered in situations that were the most extreme imaginable and always come out on top. The thought of giving up has never, ever crossed my mind. Lately though I have found myself questioning my strength and advice I try to give from my life's experience. I have tried to be strong and help others with gaining courage and a zest for life without fear amid the turmoil of transition and other issue's they may have. With every post reply or welcome, I give my whole heart and love hoping it will help that person and make them feel a part of this family and that they are not alone. Suddenly I am the one who feels alone. I am starting to get the feeling my experience's in life are outdated, judgmental and intolerant. Some have even told me so in PMs and replies to post's. Maybe it is a generational gap or some other reason I am not familiar with. I just know it hurts a lot inside and here lately I have had a hard time just signing in. I am starting to feel obsolete and useless here now. A few here know just how bad the month of May was to me, but I still tried to remain strong for all of you spending many hours with a few hoping to help them out of the darkness while I descended further into it myself. I have a huge burden of guilt for something that happened 16 years ago today when I let down my partner at the Sheriff's Department and he lost his life because of it. Even now I feel terrible for whining because there are enough people hurting here without me adding to the mix. For that I apologize profusely. I don't even know why I am writing this, maybe it should be in the rant section or somewhere more appropriate. Part of me thinks just getting this out will be therapeutic and help me feel better. I just had to get out of Moderator mode and feel a little normal maybe, who knows. I just feel alone, isolated and depressed tonight. No one has to fear for my safety though as I would never hurt anyone in this family like that. I guess I just needed to vent and prove I am not Super girl or Wonder Woman impervious to the harsh realities of life and struggle and I DO have worries and fears just like everyone else. Sorry for making this too long, it just started to pour out. I apologize.

[Cindy]

My sister,

It is called being human.

I know, as all Mods know how hard this job is. We do it and we feel it. We try to be strong but remember why you joined this site to begin with - you needed help from others who suffer as you and I do.

We are no better, no stronger, no wiser. We hurt and and we cry. We carry our problems and the problems of others as well.

But we also know how frail we all are.

In knowledge is strength, in frailty is love.

Hugs Sis

I do know what you are going through.

My love

Cindy

[ToniB]

Hi Jessica I for one am very very glad that you are on this Forum I find Your advice and support absolutely vital and think that you give very very good advice and your medical support is realy good .Keep doing what You do it is wanted and needed

Love and kisses Anita

[kelly_aus]

I think you've gotten what I got, just worse because you are a Mod. I used to be a lot more active around here than I am now, got tired of copping it for saying the things that need to be said.. The things no one else seemed willing to say.. So now I just post whatever the hell I want and to hell with what others think.

I know I've caused a member to leave the site.. I'd feel guilty except that nothing I said was at all personal.. They just threw a hissy fit and stormed off..

I'm a Mod in a chat room elsewhere and even with the great crowd we get, sometimes being a Mod is hard work.. Hang around, I like not being the only realistic and pragmatic person here.. (At least it feels like there's a shortage of both realism and pragmatism around here most of the time.)

[Ms Grace]

Hugs, Jessica! You are are a lovely caring person...don't forget you need as much as you give.
Feel well soon!

[immortal gypsy]

Jessica from one bubbly personality to another I understand the pressure one puts on themselves to remain upbeat at all times, when all you want to do is lash out at people and cry.  Not only do you shine yourself but for others you light their darkest hour.  You have accused yourself of being obsolete and outdated in this brave new world. That is not true and I wish you would reject those ideas of yourself.  "Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it" you have lived a large and valued life full of experience and are never shy on sharing with those of us on the forum. It is fof US to learn all YOU can do is guide us on the path. If we want to make mistakes,  I'm sure you will be there to bind our wounds and not mention I told you so.

It is okay to feel tired,  to feel ask for help,  the need to rant occasionally or as often as you may feel like, as Cindy said "It is called being human". I doubt nobody expects you to be Super girl or Wonder Women just being Jessica is enough for us all.

For now here is a big hug from me to you and my crowbar to pry me off when you wish because as you may of heard I don't let go

Gypsy

[Beverly]

It has been said "Even the strongest have their moments of fatigue". I never really understood this statement until now with some things I have experienced here lately. I have always considered myself strong and undefeatable during my life and career never letting anything beat me

I can understand this having maintained such an attitude throughout life myself. However, most of the problems I faced were clearly focused issues that needed a resolution that could be agreed upon and worked toward.

This place is different. The problems are different. They are very intangible and often very hard to resolve and with no clear cut solutions. It is a whole different ballgame in here.

With every post reply or welcome, I give my whole heart and love hoping it will help that person and make them feel a part of this family and that they are not alone. Suddenly I am the one who feels alone. I am starting to get the feeling my experience's in life are outdated, judgmental and intolerant. Some have even told me so in PMs and replies to post's.

I know that GD is not a mental illness, after all I have it myself. However I am very well aware that people with GD get so damaged during life that many of us develop phobias, hang-ups, insecurities or mental illness. There are a lot of damaged people in the trans arena and as any mental health professional will tell you, dealing with such people is very, very wearing. Psychologists have to have regular therapy themselves. You do not have to look too hard on this forum to see just how damaged some of the posters can be and whilst you can try to lift such folk it is more likely that it will drag you down after a while. I left this place some time ago because some of the posters here were so relentlessly negative that it had a terrible effect on me.

Maybe it is a generational gap or some other reason I am not familiar with. .... I am starting to feel obsolete and useless here now.

There is a difference from how this place was some years ago and I feel it is largely age based. There seem to be a whole host of "I am xx years old - is it too late to transition?" threads (where xx is usually less than 25 and frequently less than 20). There seems to be an obsession with perfection here now that previously was missing - that if transition leaves any trace of maleness then you have "failed". The realisation seems to have been lost that women are not all 18 year old Hollywood Beauty Queens. There seems to be a growing number of people for whom transitioning to relieve dysphoria is not a sufficient objective any more and because bodies are imperfect, whether cis or trans, their goals of perfection are unattainable. Dealing with these people will wear you out because they rarely seem to believe anything told to them and they will not countenance you saying they are aiming for the impossible.

I don't even know why I am writing this, maybe it should be in the rant section or somewhere more appropriate. Part of me thinks just getting this out will be therapeutic and help me feel better.

I think you are right. Moderating in this place must be a hugely difficult task and I think you are one of the most level-headed people doing it, but do not flog yourself for failing to get through to those who are determined not to listen. All you can do for them is to do your best. No one can ask any more of you and you need to accept that.

Rant away and get the poison out of your soul.

[Hayley]

*Hugs* Love you Jessica!!! Your positive nature is amazing as well as you being overwhelmingly caring. You are clearly not out dated. I mean maybe... Have you checked your expiration date recently? No?!? We good because you don't have one. You are human like the rest of us. We will never be perfect. Our views will never cover everyone. That said we are a community and a family. We listen to each other's worries, fears and pain. But we also celebrate their success. And you always cheer me up with a positive message. I love you sis. Keep your chin up not because we all love you but because you know yourself and if someone else had posted this you'd be right here with something nice and positive being said.

[Kimberley Beauregard]

You? Useless?

Far from it.

[BlonT]

We all have our doubts and scares,that.s a burden we have to live with.But remember that you never can do more then your best.For the obsolete part comfort yourself with the fact that if your 28 your "old" >:-)Wonder what that make me as 60+.
I agree that i think obsolete, i find value in honesty,have a open ear and speak out freely MY feelings.But as that is political incorrect 

so I could help people in their moments of greatest need. I have sacrificed my body and mental health dealing with horrors many will never know about or should have to.

Jessica MerrimanThat make you a GREAT person.And i know some of that horrors, giving first aid along the road.
So you stand not alone, it`s one of the reasons i became a vegetarian   

live happy  huggs  BlonT

[Eva Marie]

Hey Jessica-

The job of moderator is tough - i've been one on another board and you have to make tough decisions and say things to people that maybe aren't pleasant. You eventually feel like an outsider and you begin to question your own decisions.

That role here has the additional burdens of people that are truly suffering and maybe suicidal. That responsibility will wear you down over time; I have seen many of the moderators here over the years make similar posts as yours when they hit the wall.

Listen to Cindy, she's got the 411 on this.

You are bubbly and I love the "giggle" lines you often respond with!  Never change who you are!!!!!

You are quite obviously burned out - take some time for yourself and recharge. Your advice is NOT useless or obsolete in any way!!!!

You can PM me anytime sweetie, and if you need to talk to someone I'll PM you my cell #.

~Eva

[ErinWDK]

Jessica,

I am sad to see you hurting this way.  Your bright and positive posts were one of the big reasons i signed on here to begin with.  You have given me the confidence to let Erin walk out of the house and go do things arrayed in all her ... (well, we will leave out the acurate words here).  OK, there is the generational issue - but sometimes someone like me needs to actually listen to a youngin' like you and realize there still is a bit to learn.

Cindy had a real good reply, and I second all she had to say.

If you need someone OLD to talk with you can PM me.  I am not really here as much as I seem to be logged in, but you ARE special and I will find a way to reply!


Erin

[Jess42]

Jessica, you are not useless and obsolete. As a matter of fact I find you extremely upbeat with a good sence of humor, not to mention the excellent advice and life experiences you are willing to share with others in the hope that they can use it in thier own lives. I can definately relate to horror stories because I lost a friend 20 someodd years ago and being in Graves Registration in the military I had be one of the person's to recover the body. Bad enough when its someone you don't know, a nightmare when they are your friend.

Sometimes though the truth hurts but we really need to hear the truth and if we don't like what we hear we lash out. Try not to take it personal though. You are a tough woman and a tremendous asset here and believe me, if you ever need a shoulder to lean on or cry on, I'm here.

[HoneyStrums]

NEVER Bottle up ANYTHING That is getting down.

And if do? MAKE sure you throw some of the bottles out.

ADMITTING to weakness especially coming from somebody that people look up to is a great quality. Because we are not impervious. I know this which IS why I always ask how you are when I notice you have helped somebody through something difficult.

I Know what its like to fell as though your problems aren't as important as every body else's. Sometimes when we want to help people we find it difficult helping our self worrying we could make others feel worse.

Obsolete? I'm new here and 25, I'm assuming there is an age gap. if you were obsolete you wouldn't be able to inspire me with your strength and in your times of weakness. You show me its ok to be weak at times but more importantly that I don't need to be impervious to help others.

We might not have what is needed to help everybody with their problems, but you show me its still ok to try. And for every person I cant help, there's a lot more that I can. We are unique and  each offer something to this site.

Thanks for making me stronger, by showing me its ok to get things off my chest.

[Ltl89]

If I may Jessica, I can understand why you feel this way, but likely it's a misplaced emotion.  All any of us can do when come on here is help the best we can.  And we all have different perspectives, feelings, and experiences that shape the way we view things.  If someone doesn't see eye to eye, it's not that your advice is outdated or obsolete, it just might not have connected with them at that point.  And just because it doesn't connect, it doesn't mean that it won't resonate with others or that that same person might get assistance at some other point in time from you.  That's not a bad thing.  Life has many more shades than black and white and rarely is one view or answer definitive or universally accepted.  Please remember that because you do have much to contribute and offer onthis site.  It just might not always have the impact or effect that you may hope for.  That isn't your fault.  Remember, we are a real diverse group of people here.  There are people for all different backgrounds and cultures and this will shape how we see things.  Keep doing what you are doing.  You help more people than you probably realize.

And for what it's worth, I'd like to apologize if I contributed to this feeling.  You have much to share and offer that will help many around here.  The fact that I might choose a different path to solve my problems isn't on you in anyway.

Keep your head up and feel better. 

[JLT1]

Jessica,

You are a warm, caring and wonderful woman. You have given so much to this site for so long. I don't know how you have been able to do this.

Your experiences are so very relevant to us here.  We relay on your advice.  Sometimes, we may not share the same opinion and in that case there are four options: you are wrong, I am wrong, we are both wrong or we are both right. Please, don't be so quick to look inside for the fault or to accept blame that isn't merited.  Worst case: you are wrong.  Learn from it and go on.  That is how we get smarter.  (OK, some of us here have to learn the same thing two or three times but eventually, it sinks in..)  You may be wonder woman but you are still human.  And you are still loved.

Take a little time each day or week for Jessica.  Find your center so that you can recharge that monstrous heart .

Hugs my Sister,

Jen

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi everybody! I am feeling a little better today and thank you all for the responses. As you can guess by now I take failure VERY personally whether it was a trauma victim or one of you I just couldn't reach somehow. I was a little low earlier this week and just got over whelmed by all of the "I can't go on anymore" post's. I felt I had to try to save every one of them and when I saw no progress on some I took it hard. I stopped sleeping, eating and replayed over and over what I could have said differently to obtain the desired outcome. I now know I can't save everyone and it should not reflect on me if I gave it an honest try. I figure misery is all some here have to go on every day and nothing I can say will change that. I will keep trying, but limit the damage to myself in the process. I do care about everyone here believe it or not. You are all important and deserve to live lives free from fear and persecution. You all deserve to be free!

[kelly_aus]

Hi everybody! I am feeling a little better today and thank you all for the responses. As you can guess by now I take failure VERY personally whether it was a trauma victim or one of you I just couldn't reach somehow. I was a little low earlier this week and just got over whelmed by all of the "I can't go on anymore" post's. I felt I had to try to save every one of them and when I saw no progress on some I took it hard. I stopped sleeping, eating and replayed over and over what I could have said differently to obtain the desired outcome. I now know I can't save everyone and it should not reflect on me if I gave it an honest try. I figure misery is all some here have to go on every day and nothing I can say will change that. I will keep trying, but limit the damage to myself in the process. I do care about everyone here believe it or not. You are all important and deserve to live lives free from fear and persecution. You all deserve to be free!

Jessica, something to remember, there are some around here who don't want to be rescued, regardless of how loud they cry..

[Julia-Madrid]

Jessica dear, you are such a key girl on this site.  You bring a wealth of life experience, and having lived it in all its messy glory.  You are a real person, and I value that immensely.  Hell, we all do!

If you need to go and watch the ocean or smell the flowers for a bit, that's a good thing.  And then return!

Un abrazo muy fuerte, chica!
Julia

[Jessica Merriman]

Jessica, something to remember, there are some around here who don't want to be rescued, regardless of how loud they cry..

Thanks Kelly! I am learning that much too well now. It was the Paramedic in me trying to help. We got called, we helped and life went on hopefully normally. I never ran on someone who called and then refused our help. This is a new concept to me. I will be OK now.