Fear of people finding out that I'm trans & social anxiety

[alexclusive]

I have this (IMO) stupid, irrational fear of people who don't already know finding out that I'm trans. I call it irrational because I pass really well and if you were to pass me on the street, you would think that I'm just a regular teenage dude. I'm not trying to be cocky at all. Although I'm short, I'm still skinny-athletic looking. I played a ton of sports growing up with so I have lots of experience with being around guys my age, but for some reason I still have anxiety when it comes to socializing with them. I don't play any sports anymore aside from wrestling, which I'm focused on entirely, and about 50% of my team knows that I'm trans. They don't care though, and most have probably forgotten about it, or just accept it, which I'm grateful for. I have lots of acquaintances more than I do friends because I'm having trouble forming lasting relationships with people both men and women. I used to be able to connect with girls just fine, but now it's awkward because I'm over a year on T and my brain chemistry has changed making it harder to converse and understand them like I used to, and that's fine, because I'd rather have more guy friends.

I'm so afraid to be myself because I don't want people to find out personal things about me unless I disclose it to them myself. My biggest fear in life is another dude finding out that I was born a female, and I feel like people can see right through me because I never had the experience of growing up with boys (aside from sports), so I'm afraid that I'm breaking some unwritten rule on talking to guys when I'm trying to socialize with them. I feel like they can tell that I'm a little off, or if something I said sounded like I was coming on too strong, sounding too deep, or being too in-touch with my feelings indicating or having them suspect that I used to be female, or that I'm gay or something. I'm straight though.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be a masculine macho man who refuses to be emotional and sensitive. If anything, I'm actually really emotional and sensitive and that's one of my biggest faults. I give too much of a damn of what people think of me and if someone were to attack me personally, I would be crushed because I know what they're saying might be true.

I have days where I'm totally confident, then the next day it just all comes crashing down. I lack consistency and when I lose my confidence, I get super pessimistic about everything and my anxiety shoots through the roof.

I don't know how to make much sense of this all.. I'm just typing what's on my mind, so if it doesn't make sense, my bad. I have a lot on my plate right now between high school, hormones, and wrestling. I don't wanna be ashamed of being transgender, if anything I should be using it to my advantage, showing people that we are just normal people.

Can anyone else relate?

[SI3]

I can definitely relate. I don't have much advice for you unfortunately but I feel the same way. I rarely go out unless with a friend on a one on one basis. I used to go to parties all the time but now I stay home because at least there I know no worries about people finding out.

[alexclusive]

I can definitely relate. I don't have much advice for you unfortunately but I feel the same way. I rarely go out unless with a friend on a one on one basis. I used to go to parties all the time but now I stay home because at least there I know no worries about people finding out.

Me too. That's another fear of mine, mostly for when I go to college. I don't want to pass out piss drunk at a party somewhere just to have someone try to take advantage of me or prank me, only to find out that my parts don't match. Or having it slip out of my mouth when I'm not thinking or talking straight.

(I guess I'm not the only one who thinks of these things)

[Frank]

Me too. That's another fear of mine, mostly for when I go to college. I don't want to pass out piss drunk at a party somewhere just to have someone try to take advantage of me or prank me, only to find out that my parts don't match. Or having it slip out of my mouth when I'm not thinking or talking straight.

(I guess I'm not the only one who thinks of these things)

You're not the only one who thinks of these things, I was terrified of getting drunk and blurting something out. I've since been stupid and gotten drunk enough to hold entire conversations without being aware of it and haven't said anything. Cool. Don't want to test that too much though.

[Kreuzfidel]

It's pretty common to feel that way, especially for guys who live stealth.

I live stealth and, while it's not a constant worry, it's in the back of my mind - my career could be in jeopardy, not to mention some of my friendships. 

You just can't live in fear, though.  It's a risk that will always exist to some degree.  You have to focus on not worrying about it.

[alexclusive]

It's pretty common to feel that way, especially for guys who live stealth.

I live stealth and, while it's not a constant worry, it's in the back of my mind - my career could be in jeopardy, not to mention some of my friendships. 

You just can't live in fear, though.  It's a risk that will always exist to some degree.  You have to focus on not worrying about it.

Do you have to work on trying to not worry about it, or does the fear naturally come at ease as our transition progresses? Or both?

[sneakersjay]

While I also live stealth (for the most part; out at home obviously, and I am out at work because I transitioned on the job), and would really be angry if people around me started telling other people my business and medical history, it's not something I regularly worry about.

For the casual acquaintance I could laugh it off; others I can play the intersex card (true in my case), but for the most part I'm trying to develop a "who gives a crap" sort of attitude. But then I'm now 6 years on T and I'm also an old fart losing my filters...

For you I'd not worry so much about fitting in and having every masculine mannerism down; just be yourself.  If you're funny and quirky, be funny and quirky.  If you're serious and quiet, be serious and quiet.  And don't worry so much about people thinking you are odd.  Because even the most confident people are also insecure.  You are male, and there are so many ways to be a man. So be your own man, and not someone else's version of what they think a man should be.

Jay

[SI3]

You're not the only one who thinks of these things, I was terrified of getting drunk and blurting something out. I've since been stupid and gotten drunk enough to hold entire conversations without being aware of it and haven't said anything. Cool. Don't want to test that too much though.

My worries aren't so much about blurting something out, it's more being outed by "friends" or having ->-bleeped-<-ty comments about how young I look or short I am etc.

[Kreuzfidel]

Do you have to work on trying to not worry about it, or does the fear naturally come at ease as our transition progresses? Or both?

I think it was a combination, for me, of just actively learning to focus on positives and not "what-ifs" in life - as I began to pass in public, I found that a lot of anxiety in general started to lessen. 

I personally just got on with life and enjoyed living daily (and being seen) as just a man like any other.  But sometimes it can hit you hard when you've gotten so used to your masculinity never being questioned to think about what might happen if the people in your life found out. 

But like any worry in life - you can't let those thoughts rule you. 

[mowdan6]

Don't know if this helps.  I live in a small area.  Been here for 17 years.  I transitioned here and also transitioned on the job.  At first people gave me a hard time.  Now, people just see me as a regular guy.  I am friends with my neighbors, people at work.  The trans stuff is not an issue any more.  They just know me.  A regular guy.  I will say I do sometimes let my worst enemy get to me.  That enemy is the critic that resides within.  But I have been getting a lot better at putting him in his place also.