WWYD trade school

[Elijahwaits]

IFFFFFF say you were in a trade school (night classes) and spent like a lot of time in a class full of people every night, people you have to trust and get close with for the sake of training, people who will do EKGs on you... etc etc... And say, you bind frequently, your hair is cut, you have done everything aside from coming out, starting T, and surgery. Frequently read as male by people who don't know you. You have at least 3 months if not more left at said school.

Plans are to come out in like a month to family.

Anyways, would you come out to your school?  Some days I feel like I am just going to bust. Since it is a classroom full of women, and I get painfully misgendered like constantly. But they don't know so I don't blame them. It just triggers a lot of dysphoria.

Also, hi everybody. Been off for a while since my grandpa passed away and I started school again. Thanks in advance for any advice.

[Kreuzfidel]

Welcome back. Sorry to hear about your grandpa.

Regarding coming out to this class - I personally wouldn't, but I'm not you.

You have to do whatever you need to do in order to feel comfortable, as long as it's within reason. 

Considering it's only a class of random people, I don't really know that I'd want them knowing my business - but obviously, being misgendered blows, so I can understand why you'd want to. 

I think you just need to think about which is potentially "worse" for you: a) being misgendered now and again or b) having everyone know your trans* status and possibly asking or saying insensitive/awkward things.  Then again, you may not be bothered by the "b" option.

[Elijahwaits]

Very valid points. My counselor said for me to consider it an acting job. I probably won't know most of these people for the rest of my life, so in that regard, they are kinda random. Less than 20 of us spend 5 hours a night together... it's surprisingly intimate.

I don't mind questions... but already feel alienated as it is.

[FTMDiaries]

Welcome back, and sorry about your grandpa.

So you're planning to come out to your family next month: congrats & good luck!

Think about what the next step will be after that: once you're out, you probably won't want to go back in because your brain just wants to be done with the closet forever. So being misgendered in your classes might make you feel more dysphoric than it did before you came out, and you'll probably feel even more internal pressure to push back against the cause of your dysphoria.

If you're not going to know these people for the rest of your life, do you think this would be a good opportunity to test the 'coming-out' waters? Would it make a good practice run for the next time you might want to do it, with people you might know for years to come? After all, if you make any mistakes you're going to be saying goodbye to those people in 3 months' time so it won't really matter. But you'll have a better idea of how you want to handle it next time.

But if there's only a month or so between you coming out to your family and leaving those classes, you might want to sit tight if you don't want to do all that explaining.

[Elijahwaits]

Been really thinking about that "trial run" idea FTMDiaries.

Last night I noted to my teacher that this past semester has passed very quickly.
She responded with
"that's because you are present, like not just here, but present! You're participating, interacting, you're HERE! You've come alive! I am so happy for you. It makes me so happy. It's about time "

And the whole time I am thinking... dang, what have I changed, what am I doing different?
Started transitioning. That's what. Started being honest.

And I just wanted to bust out and tell her why I have been different, even though I am still struggling with anxiety and other mental health problems, I am just so much more alive. So much more myself.

I just want to be like "This is me, this is who I am. I am proud of who I am. I am thankful for who I am. I am transgender."

I just think about how coming out (for some reason) can permanently alter someone's perception of us... But I just think to myself, I'm still me, why would that change anything?

And then last night I had this dream that was a total mind eff. Just every insecurity ever expressed in a dream. Like existential level crap. Been happening a lot lately, usually with a panic attack.

[FTMDiaries]

You're right: coming out can change the way people treat us. I've been amazed at how awesome most of the people I know have been since I came out, but there are a few who I definitely feel are just humouring me to my face (and probably slandering me behind my back, if I know them). Well, those people can take a long walk off a short pier, as far as I'm concerned.

The thing is: for many of us, there comes a cut-off point in our lives beyond which we will no longer tolerate having to live as a member of our birth sex. When you reach that point - and it sounds to me like you're pretty much there yourself - you have to make some difficult and possibly uncomfortable choices. It's likely that you'll need to tell people who already know you (if you're going to keep them in your life), and for people you meet in the future, you'll need to think about whether you disclose, and how much you disclose. A few of these people may get a bit weird around you, but if they do it's because they have a problem... which makes it a good way to weed out the false friends you don't need in your life.

It seems that you get on well with your teacher and that she likes you. Have you considered coming out to her before coming out to your class? She could help manage the situation and could offer vital support and back-up.

I'll say this though: having just one place where everybody knows you're male and calls you by the right name & pronouns (heh, I accidentally typed 'bronouns' there and I kinda like it!) can be an enormous comfort when you're struggling to get rest of the world to respect your identity.

[Elijahwaits]

I kinda love your last post. Thank you.

Yeah, I would preferably come out to my teacher before anyone else.
Man, I thought I was going to vomit yesterday... some of the women in my class started saying really uneducated and homophobic things in a random convo last night... but I don't imagine they would say those things to a gay man's face.

I feel like most people could stand to gain a little knowledge about LGBTQ everything... like they just don't have the faintest idea what life is like when you fall into that group, and could be better for it if they listen.

[FTMDiaries]

You're welcome.

I know what you mean about uneducated imbeciles spouting homophobic and transphobic nonsense. They only have the courage to do this when they think everyone in the room agrees with them... so I've found that a good way of tackling this is to interrupt them as soon as something homophobic comes out of their mouth and call their bluff, so that they know the whole room is not on their side. Something as simple as "Why would you say that?" or "How many gay people do you personally know who are like that?" is often enough to derail them. And you can argue like this in general terms without outing yourself.

But now that I'm transitioning and cockier than ever, I pretend to join in with them by saying: "You know what the real problem with gay people is?" They tend to smile and say, "What?", thinking I'm going to say something that ties in with what they've been saying. And then I look them straight in the eye and say... "You never know when one of them is standing right in front of you, listening to every word you say." And then I walk into the sunset, Clint Eastwood-style.

[Elijahwaits]

Damn that's smooth! hahaha
Probably going to do that one day now.

[Elijahwaits]

I came out to my teacher tonight.

[FTMDiaries]

Congrats! That takes some courage. How did it go?

[Elijahwaits]

It went pretty well, she had kept saying how different and better I have been since I came back. That she wasn't sure what had changed but she liked it. (I used to be really clammed-up and not interacting)So at the time there were only 2 of us students remaining in the class, so I waited till the other student was about to leave and asked if I could have a word. She's someone who has a lot of world experiences under her belt, so I just asked her what her experience with the LGBTQ community is, and if she had had any with transgender patients. (She responded with TONS of experience) Then I introduced myself to her as transgender. Then she told me how she was actually somewhat raised by a trans woman. And just talked and talked after that. She of course asked me about my husband and kids, and threw out the "the world is s ->-bleeped-<-ty place" thing. I just kinda acknowledged all of that and answered questions the best I could. I look up to this teacher a lot as a person and a professional. And a nerd.

So that's it really!
It was terrifying 

[FTMDiaries]

Yes, I bet it was terrifying. But it sounds like it went well, and that she's likely to be an excellent ally if you do choose to come out to your classmates. So if you decide to go through with it, you don't have to do it alone.

The good news is: the first time or two that you come out, it is terrifying. But it gets much easier after that. Think about people like Laverne Cox or Chaz Bono who've told their stories countless times: how nervous do you think they feel when they tell someone they're trans? I bet they simply roll their eyes... just like I do.

Well done!

[Klaus]

I think it was a very wise decision to tell the instructor first, and I'm glad it went so well! Congrats on another step out of the proverbial closet. I've had to take it very gradually as well, and each new person you tell is definitely like starring in your own mini thriller.  Hoping all goes well if/when you come out to the rest of your class. Since they're all going into the med field, I would hope they'd be a bit more understanding than most and, if not, they need find a new profession.

[Elijahwaits]

Very true Klaus, I totally agree. You do get people who figure out that they don't belong in the medical field at school. Some people just can't deal.