This has been an amazing week. I have had counseling this week and my counselor and I tackled some major doubt concerns in a very meaningful way. My counselor also mirrored me on some of the major themes she picked up on how I identify. In addition, I was able to open the door to my past and realize where some of my fears resided, and how the rooted with my mother and her negative reactions to my desires to know what living like a girl was like. It traumatized me for many years and I didn't even realize it, and paralyzed me on the idea of physical transition for so long. I thought for sure somehow I'd be making a mistake for many years, and didn't realize it was that fear sitting inside me. It lifted a LOT off my shoulders to identify that trauma, accept it, and let it flow away. My SO has also come to terms with my future transition, and has even told me I will always be her girl. <3 Our love is unwavering and unconditional for each other, and we are willing to adapt in new ways as I have been accepting who I am inside.
I am beginning to truly become comfortable with myself, and beginning to love who I am as a girl, as a human being. Many years I have spent hating and putting myself down, and when I realized how bad I was being to myself, I realized I needed to change. That turn around and perspective my friend helped me see in our discussion a couple months ago of self-hatred was truly life changing. I have accepted that I cannot run from myself anymore, and that I need to embrace it. And my overall morale, self-expression, sense of well-being, and depression have improved by incredible amounts since I came to this realization.
I don't want to attack myself anymore, and I don't want to fight with or push myself down anymore. I don't want to punish myself. I want to open myself, and let the world see me, and let my soul run free, let my life blossom into what it is, and my talents and abilities shine through to make a difference in my life and the lives of others around me.
