I'm transgender - so what - what are the issues?

[Jess42]

My problem is I could care less about other people and what people think of me. How they see me I could care less. I am me.  I may sound concieted I know, but no one has to live my life but me. I divorced a wife of a lot of years because she couldn't accept me. I could care less. I found a girl that does which I care way more for that does accept me, either or 'cause she herself is trans but stealth. So now I am free to be who I want to be and whoever that is, I an free to define who I am. Not someone else. If I go HRT and or go SRS, she says she is fine with that. Whether or not, I will have to see. Regardless though, my life is mine for me to live how I want to live it and whoever don't like it.... Well. You can figure out the rest. There's really no issues here other than what I want to do.

It is all up to me to decide which way to go. I have had no problems finding boyfriends or girlfriends, but I never ever limit my options either.

[HoneyStrums]

Being validated or invalidated by exterior subjective perspective? (Being told by another what it is like to be you, even if you disagree)
wow big WORDS.

I Faced this less than an hour ago, my sister asked me if i thought a guy was good looking? I said I couldn't possibly tell you. How did she react? With "eeeh? you must have an idea of what a good looking guy is?" I said "no not really" So she was all like I though you liked guys? I said I do. She pretty much said, there must be something about how men look that I find attractive and if there wasn't then I'm not really attracted to guys.

I know I find women much better looking then guys and I know I find men sexually attractive, but I don't find their looks attractive. My sister went on to say that this isn't possible, I explained yes I can find men un attractive to look at, but I don't think the absence of unattractiveness counts as "GOOD looking," Seriously looks don't do anything for me as far as my sexual attraction to men is. (looks can put me off but not turn me on)

She couldn't take my actual feelings as my actual feelings, discredited them, called them false and impossible. This threw me for a loop, I mean If this cis woman was telling me what it is like to be a woman, then it must be true so I must be wrong since I don't feel that way. It really, really got to me, I started doubting myself, doubting my own femininity because of it. My thoughts went crazy I was expecting to be screaming for help on here when I got home.

But I didn't, oh my god I love the internet, I went to G named search engine of all places, I typed "what do you call a person that doesn't find visual appearance sexually attractive." I didn't find what I was looking for, I hoped for a miracle, then I saw it, an article titled "Do Men's Looks Matter When It Comes To Attracting Women?" I read this and while I was reading I saw that it pretty much says looks can help you get a date, but without confidence and arousing the woman, looks wont do a thing. That is exactly what I feel like, confident men make me feel secure, and flirtatious behaviours turn me on.

I was mildly angry at my sister then for having unintentionally sent me into a pit of self doubt. At this time I realised I was also irritated slightly by some annoying hairs around my ear. I let my mind come away from my anger and focused on the annoying hairs. I took my earing out thinking they were just trapped and quickly became surprised, perplexed and more then a little amused. Have any of you tried to thread a sewing needle? do you think it you could do it by accident? It would have to be a miracle right? Imagine how I felt discovering, I had achieved a feat of this magnitude, I had unbelievably and unknowingly threaded a single hair through my piercing. It wasn't quite what I was expecting but I got the miracle I was hoping for.

So yes,
Being validated or invalidated by exterior subjective perspective? (Being Told What You Feel, That You Must, And If You Don't Your Wrong)
This is the worst thing I face, it leads me to so much self doubt.

[Q]

Hi Cindy,

Long time since I've posted, but I felt inspired to answer your question.

If only it were possible to say: 'I'm transgender, so what?', but society doesn't allow that - that's the issue for me.

I'm middle aged from the UK. I've been through the gender counseling. Seen the psychiatrists. I found them all helpful. Counseling, particularly, I found helpful in enabling me to see my own thoughts more clearly. I have a 'gender dysphoria' diagnosis and they basically told me they would have no problem helping me transition if that was what I wanted to do.

However, I feel 'transition', in the sense understood today, is not the way forward for me, at this time. My view is - I am just me. Yes, most people would understand me to be 'trans', but I kind of don't really think of myself as 'trans' as such. I am just myself, I prefer not to put myself in any boxes.

I choose not to modify my body. Aside from being 'trans' and 'gender dysphoric' I am quite anti medical intervention (for any issue) if I can possibly avoid it.

My objective is to be as whole of a person as I can manage - to integrate and accept the 'male' and 'female' aspects of myself and say, this is just who I am. This is, however, really difficult in current society.

Legally and socially the only accepted options are 'male' or 'female', with rigid stereotypes for each. There is only legal protection in the UK for 'gender reassignment'. For someone like me there is nothing. I don't want a third category. I just want to be allowed to be myself.

That's not to say it's all bad. There are people who are accepting and I have friends who I am open with and I have fun.

It's not easy though. If 'trans' people like me ever have rights, it will realistically now probably not be until I am either in a retirement home with my zimmer frame, or already old and dead.

Just have to keep on keeping on though and having as much fun as possible. Who knows, maybe things will be better for future generations!

(I guess you could summarise the issue as 'societal rejection')

[Donna Elvira]

Hi Cindy
Transitioning at work has been the only major issue for me, contributing very directly to the loss of two jobs. To be fair, in both cases, the parting of ways has been perfectly dignified and there is a strong probability that I will continue to work for my actual employer as an external consultant (if I can handle it myself...) but that hasn't made it any less painful. This is especially true in my present position where absolutely nothing, other than the fact that a few of my colleagues couldn't handle the idea of having a trans woman on the company's senior management team, justifies the premature termination of my mission.

However, since I was on a fixed term contract, I had no serious protection and while I could have gone to court, I felt it was better to take whatever positives I could from the situation and move on.

Happily, I can still see a reasonable professional future quite simply because I have the benefit of an excellent education and experience in a broad range of industries and functions. I will no doubt be going back to consulting as a senior partner and shareholder in a firm I have been talking with over recent weeks where I do seem to be well accepted, all the more so as I am now unambiguously perceived as a woman by those who meet me for the first time.

Looking back, I think the biggest issue was the act of transitioning itself ie. going from presenting as a guy to presenting as a woman on the job, especially in a highly visible position. I believe my boss was sincere in his support for this but he seriously underestimated other people's reactions and didn't react to the warning lights when they started blinking.

Looking ahead, I think trans women here (in France) are in much the same position as coloured people were in the 1960's and 1970's. To be accepted in the senior level's of a business you have to be significantly better than anyone else and be capable of handling lot of passive/aggressive behaviour from the people around you.

That being said, since I am finishing quite strongly in my job (motivated by personal pride), I am hoping that it might be that much easier for the next person who finds themselves in my position. At minimum, a large group of people will have seen over the last year that there is more to trans women than some of the rather negative stereotypes they previously had in mind.

On this front, I'm very much in line with the Time article about Laverne Cox. Coming out on the job is the only really "activist" thing I have ever done but I'm quite convinced that it is this form of activism more than any other that will help society evolve towards greater acceptance. The more people who actually directly know real live trans men and women and perceive them as pretty normal and effective human beings, the better.
Hope that's helpful to you!
Donna

[EmmaD]

Hi Cindy,

Probably of little value to you but here goes!

I worry about becoming dependant on the medical community - something I really fear (think alzheimers).

I worry about transitioning in place and the extent to which I will need to take my work colleagues through the whole education/activism thing.  This trans stuff just seems to be so far off most people's radar.  My employer only employs about 2500 people and is only now embracing age and gender as diversity issues.  LGBTI stuff is included under "Individuality" and isn't talked about.  I am tired just thinking about it!  By the way, we did a diversity survey at work.  800 people responded with 22 willing to state they identify as LGBTI.  I always thought how disengaging it must be for those 22 (or rather, the other 21).

My final biggy is that while I have family around (wife and kids only), I am so damn lonely. I actually do not have anyone to come out to (not counting siblings etc who I may have some contact with once or twice a year and rarely in person!) who isn't in some way connected to my work.  This is a solitary journey in my experience.  While I am getting used to having to deal with things totally on my own (currently planning FFS somewhere well outside Australia which will of course be undertaken alone), it is taking its toll. Just a sense of not belonging, I suppose.

[luna nyan]

Sydney based issues:-
1.  Number of specialists in the field are relatively few.  Almost all the Sydney girls see the one endo, and it's almost turned into an E cafe.  If I wasn't such a social recluse, I would have probably said hello to a couple of the Sydney girls I've bumped into in the waiting room.
2.  Services seem to be scattered.
3.  Support groups are limited - it's pretty much the gender centre and that's it.
4.  Legally things are looking up in Australia.

My personal issues:-
1.  Work in a conservative area location wise, and in a conservative field - I would have to restart my career over.  (On the other hand, it's allowed me more leeway with my treatment than would otherwise be possible)
2.  Also related, I have signficant financial debt as well.
3.  Family issues - conservative family values and personal vows.
4.  I was born overseas and wouldn't have the first clue about a) whether or not it's possible to have my birth cert changed and b) how to go about it.

On the flip side, having had therapy, electro, and low dose HRT, I'm mostly content.
Hope this helps with whatever research you're doing.  PM me if you want more details.

[David27]

1. Degree in conservative field and a small number of people in it.
2. Knowing the things that were said before starting transitioning by many of my peers.
3. People taking behind my back literally. (I wear hearing aids, but if your only 5 or less ft from me I can hear)
4. People treating me as a she or an it.
5. Coming out on FB (too impersonal for family far away and all at once is nerve racking for a shy person).
6. Making new friends is hard. I don't know if my current group will keep in touch after college and they aren't going to accept me or they are having a tough time getting there.

[antonia]

Living in Canada I think the following are my biggest concerns:

1. Legal status not 100% clear, hopefully bill C-279 will be passed to remove all ambiguity as to legal status and equality.
2. Long wait lists for SRS, public healthcare covers the surgery but there is a 2-3 year wait list just to get an appointment.

Other than that, no real issues so far.

[EmmaD]

Another one that concerns my wife as well as me involves uncertainty of our marriage.  We were born and were married in NZ.  If I were to change by birth certificate to F in NZ (easy to do), what status does our marriage have in Australia where same-sex marriages are not recognised?  Legal advice suggests that it is the status of the parties at the time they were married that counts but that has raised eyebrows when I have mentioned it.  At the moment, we do not want to be forced to divorce and my strategy is to do as little as possible to get F on a few documents.  Australian marriage laws suck!