I Think I'm Screwed...

[TheQuestion]

I just really don't think I have it at all.  I'm really coming to the realization that I have a pretty huge frame.  I've been trying to convince myself otherwise, but the fact that my body is 110% male is really settling in.  I can get really skinny, but that sort of accentuates the fact that I have a really masculine skeleton.  I have a frame that kick-boxers would kill for.  I'm tall (6'0"), really long with a tiny pelvis, no hips or butt at all, fairly broad shoulders, have volume loss in my face, my rib cage is pretty deep, and my hands are huge and veiny. I can't see how breasts would ever look remotely natural on my body with the depth of my rib cage; 38 is maybe the smallest band I could get too, maybe 36 if I got lucky and that's with pretty much no meat on me.  In being around large groups of people lately, I'm realizing that I'm always the largest one.  People will be taller than I am or broader than I am, but I can tell just about anyone would be a better candidate, even really muscular or overweight men.  Underneath it all, everybody seems to have a smaller skeleton than me besides the occasional giant. 

I pretty much feel like it's inevitable that sooner or later I'll end up offing myself.  It's pretty much all I think about.  Last night I found myself looking up assisted suicide groups, seconal and other overdose methods.  At the same time I really don't think I could do it, but I'm afraid that I'll get worse as I age.  I'm not at all crazy, just horribly depressed with what I am.  I really don't think transitioning is an option for me and I'm sure if I did, then I'd be stuck in the in-between.  In the end I think it would be harder for me to look in the mirror than it already is.  I really do think I would have been very pretty if I'd started a few years ago.  I wanted to say something as a kid, but I didn't want friends to know, my father, or the rest of my family.  I haven't had friends for about 6-7 years now, my father has been dead since I was 15, and now my entire family knows; so I'm sitting here as I am, having hidden myself for reasons that don't matter anymore.  I can remember just a few years ago.  I didn't always have volume loss, a bigger frame or these damn hands, and now I just can't shake the regret.  I'm pretty much crippled.  I can't do anything that involves other people anymore, just seeing them makes me feel like even less of a person.  Even seeing other transpeople who have successfully transitioned depresses me.

A lot of people will come out and say nobody's perfect or something similar, but let me just say that nearly everyone I see on this site is a better candidate to
transition than I am - even if your older, taller, or whatever - I can pretty much guarantee that your skeleton is smaller and less masculine than mine.  I really have no idea what to do TBH.  I really don't want to die, but I see no way of ever being able to look in the mirror without wanting to throw myself out the window.  I guess maybe getting on antidepressants may help, but these feelings are so overpowering that I really don't see them doing much in the long run.

I really don't want to sound like a baby.  I was originally going to ask for tips on how to just deal, but again I feel really hopeless and I'm realizing now that there isn't really much to say.  I guess I'll maybe give it a shot and go on hrt, but again, I don't see much that can be done; mostly because of my rib cage depth.  I guess I'll ask if maybe somehow getting hips, a butt, large breasts, and a smaller waist would lessen the appearance of a male rib cage?  I guess I'd be willing to go with body implants at this point. Has anyone had any success with corseting and tapering their ribs inward a bit?  I just really want to be able to look in the mirror...

[TerriT]

You need to talk to a gender therapist about this. You will get better. Do not abandon hope. Get resolute. Find a therapist now and send them an email. Make an appointment. Send an email to your doctor. Talk to a professional. Girls come in all shapes and sizes.

[ashrock]

Please seek help if you need to too, suicide is very serious.  physically, you probably aren't as big a disaster as you say.  I mean, my band size is 36, that's with no fat, I'm thin, and I'm 5 7, so as far as ribcage goes, I've got you beat on size to height ratio, I'm pretty self conscious about it, but honestly I look much more feminine than I expected.  Life isn't easy, gender dysphoria is a killer, please dont let it destroy you.

[HoneyStrums]

I don't know what ells to do for you.
But your fears all seem to be stemmed from a feeling that your body is "too big". Ive met a cis woman that would put Arnold to shame. she was big.

Have you looked up transition stories, diaries on youtube? I Saw a jaw dropping woman burst out of a silver backed gorilla. You see the woman first, and i was SHOCKED at what sort of body they started with. They were huge.

[Monkeymel]

A trans friend of mine is over 6 foot has big hands and big frame. She just looks like she could have stepped off the plane of Amazonian warrior princess's. And not transgendered.

The goal of many people / society is to be girly. Many natural women are not. Dysphoria makes us focus on the "ideal figure in the mind" rather than accept that actually there are many different shapes. I was shopping In Zurich yesterday and saw a few natural tall / large women. Yes the norm is short and round - but their body language and clothing and makeup all said "woman". The downside - they also have to cope with being looked at a lot. But not for the wrong reasons.

A light interlude - consider visiting The Netherlands or Sweden. There are many tall natural women living there who are over 6 foot. Guess the Viking bloodstock survived. Just set you are from there...

[Ms Grace]

As I've mentioned to you before, I'm 6'3" and much of my frame has dropped away on HRT. Thing is, you sound like you're writing yourself off without giving yourself a chance. If continuing to live as a male is not an option in the long term you at least need to give yourself the benefit of the doubt. I seriously thought I would stand zero chance of passing when I first reengaged with the idea of transition. I'm so glad I didn't listen to that doubting nay sayer otherwise I would still be living a miserable life. And don't think it's easy for me, I still have to be careful about my presentation and behaviour every step pf the way.

[BlonT]

My advise is look around , see the woman shapes and sizes.And what you see ? All moviestar types 
There us a chance that the wil call you a UGLY woman ,but looks are not all.The way you talk and move are more important to blend in.There are some tall woman in this world,so nothing new.
So The question ,just be happy and live in the lifestyle you like.

hugs BlonT

[GendrKweer]

I'm 6'1. While you're right, most people are smaller than we are, I have a number of girlfriends who are almost my size, and are very feminine. Being on HRT will probably ease your mind as well, once all that T is taken down. Most importantly, before my transition, I had very few friends, although I was popular when I chose to be. I couldn't have friends and didn't like going out because I couldn't be my true self with anyone but my spouse. After transition, even though I deliberately like to mess with people's minds in the middle of the gender spectrum, I am ma'amed most of the time (whether or not they believe I was born a female is irrelevant to me; as long as they treat me and respect me as one now, which they do), and I have made many dozens of amazing new friends in a new city who all know the real me and so I can let them into my life as they in turn let me into theirs. This was one of the most amazing parts of my transition.... I hadn't realized how alone I had made myself. I thought I'd lose what few friends I had; instead I gained so so many new ones.

If you think you have nothing to lose, then you may as well try what at least might make you happy.

[Rachel]

I am 6'3" and HRT is wonderful.

I was at zero and HRT was the last thing I wanted to do. I tried to kill myself lots of times, planned it and when it came time to execute I just could not. Then I had 2 back to back spontaneous attempts and it briefly alleviated my mental anguish. I knew there would be a 3rd attempt. I got help, therapy and the medication I needed for my birth defect.

I have the perfect way to kill myself but now I feel good and am at a different place.   

Dysphoria will intensify in time.

I have 6 work friends. My wife is my friend. At age 23 I went from very very sexually active to celibate for 7 years. I meet my future wife and she became my friend. We dated for 3 years. She wanted to get married. After marriage 4 years (I wanted to wait) we had a child. I was 325 pounds, out of control alcoholic, diabetic, drug user and abused meds while drinking and now had to raise the most beautiful little thing my eyes set on. I lost 125 pounds and I am alcohol and drug and smoke free. Alcohol was tough, not eating was tough, drugs was tough, dysphoria was impossible. At 50 I wanted out I could no longer take it. I had 16 years of pure hell from dysphoria. Drugs and alcohol deadened the dysphoria but it still was there. 

HRT, I risked my wife, daughter and job and everything I had worked for my entire life (I am a workaholic, well, was a workaholic, that is changing on HRT). 1 year in and HRT is outstanding.

I am 6'3" 205 pounds ( I want to get to 180). I have small hands, thin fingers. Under my breasts exhaled is 36". I had/have MPB but that is improving greatly and have a lot of growth. I am going to therapy, group and starting to change my non-work cloths. My hair is just touching my shoulder (the feeling is amazing). Last night I went out to celebrate my birthday. I had on skinny jeans and no bra (I have breasts, small) and I was proud of my chest. My body is a host of my gender. I wish I was beautiful on the outside and realize I will be when I am beautiful on the inside.


I noticed every shirt I have is getting big on me. The shirt cuffs are at the top of my palms and use to be at my wrist. I am losing muscle


Hugs and get help.

[Sammy]

About a year ago I was looking in the mirror and thinking the same - damn, I am not going to make this, because I am too big. Now, when I try my older coats, windbreakers, jackets - I look like a scrarecrow in them. The stuff is hanging loosely and arms are too long. Why? Cause those shoulders are gone - they were muscles, tissue and meat. I dropped about 2 inches from both sides and went from L size to S within one month. And if I had a stronger will and stuck to diet, I would have been even smaller now. I was quite big bloke, not huge, but as my friends said later, I looked as someone better not to mess with (I have the pics to prove, lol).. My ribcage was about 38-39, now it is 34 1/4, mostly because of muscles melting away - and there is still some stuff to go... I would not say that my chest looks super sexy atm, but I can actually see a potential now, providing that remaining muscles would tone down as well. OK, I am 5.9 and this not going to change and I do stick out a bit, but I dont really stress about it - two females in our office are actually taller than me, my boss included...
So, dont underestimate Yourself - You can look totally different by only dropping some 20-30 pounds with estrogen doing its work and melting muscles into subcutaneous tissue.

[Eva Marie]

I'm 5'8" with a 40" band size, so like someone else said I've gotcha beat in the size vs. height ratio. I am very far from having a body like a model, so I do like all other women in the world do and I dress to downplay the parts of my body I don't like and I dress to play up the parts of my body that I do like. For example, large loose swingy tops with 1/2-3/4 sleeves look good on me, sleeveless tight tops do not.

I would suggest that you spend a day at the mall and find a place to sit and get a cup of coffee and take some time to watch the other women you see out and about. I doubt you'll see many beauty queens but you are very likely to see a lot of very average looking women, many with larger bodies than you have. And they are just going about their life, not concerned in the least about their body build. No one pays them any attention because of their body size.

HRT will reduce your body size a bit and will add curves and most importantly HRT will help mentally with the feelings you are having. My own life went from intolerable and dark to one that is full of hope and happiness on HRT - it was like flipping a switch from darkness to light.

Taking yourself out of the game is not the answer; please don't take that option. Do you have a gender therapist that you can talk to about these concerns and feelings?

[TheQuestion]

The problem with me is that my frame isn't going to melt away. I don't have much fat or heavy muscle at all. Most areas I can feel bone with ease. I was 135lbs last summer, and I was a bit thinner, but basically the same size. I was just so thin that I lost all the volume across my entire face which makes you look far more masculine. I use to have a super feminine face, now I've lost all the roundness. I'd gladly add 150 lbs if I had a smaller frame beneath. I'd just loose the weight. My shoulder blades sticking out when I'm not perfectly postured is a big problem as well, makes my back look much bigger.

I just really feel screwed in every respect. I can see looking ok when I do get dressed up and all, and I suppose with hormones, some debulking, ffs, electrolysis and hopefully a few other things I'd look better. I usually get depressed when I'm look at myself with stubble and while just wearing guy clothes so maybe that's why I can't see it. Once I find a therapist who knows what their doing, I think I will give it a shot. I almost feel like there's nothing to lose and I am terrified of feeling worse about it with age. At the same time I'm afraid things could get worse if I do transition.

Thanks everyone, and sorry for bumming you out on routine...

[Shantel]

You need to talk to a gender therapist about this. You will get better. Do not abandon hope. Get resolute. Find a therapist now and send them an email. Make an appointment. Send an email to your doctor. Talk to a professional. Girls come in all shapes and sizes.

Amen to what Tiffany has said!

[Jessica Merriman]

You need to talk to a gender therapist about this. You will get better. Do not abandon hope. Get resolute. Find a therapist now and send them an email. Make an appointment. Send an email to your doctor. Talk to a professional. Girls come in all shapes and sizes.

This is so true!

I would like to know what scale you are using to compare yourself to. I have seen cis females with a build most pro football teams would love. We come in all sizes and shapes girl. Happiness, not physical presentation is what I wanted. Being a retired Paramedic/Firefighter my body tells the story of my life and all I have done. Now it is a happy story! 

[Shantel]

The problem with me is that my frame isn't going to melt away. I don't have much fat or heavy muscle at all. Most areas I can feel bone with ease. I was 135lbs last summer, and I was a bit thinner, but basically the same size. I was just so thin that I lost all the volume across my entire face which makes you look far more masculine. I use to have a super feminine face, now I've lost all the roundness. I'd gladly add 150 lbs if I had a smaller frame beneath. I'd just loose the weight. My shoulder blades sticking out when I'm not perfectly postured is a big problem as well, makes my back look much bigger.

I just really feel screwed in every respect. I can see looking ok when I do get dressed up and all, and I suppose with hormones, some debulking, ffs, electrolysis and hopefully a few other things I'd look better. I usually get depressed when I'm look at myself with stubble and while just wearing guy clothes so maybe that's why I can't see it. Once I find a therapist who knows what their doing, I think I will give it a shot. I almost feel like there's nothing to lose and I am terrified of feeling worse about it with age. At the same time I'm afraid things could get worse if I do transition.

Thanks everyone, and sorry for bumming you out on routine...

C'mon hon, you and I have talked and I think you're taking it over the top. I told you I'm 5' 7" and wear a 42 - 44" band size, was a starting fullback in HS and built myself to look like a brick. So for a starter you haven't even taken the first step by seeking out a gender therapist. You haven't been on hormones and experienced the dramatic changes they bring about to mind and body. It's time to get it in gear and get off the pity party bandwagon and forget about suicide because it's just too permanent for what's really just a temporary hump that you have to jump over. C'mon girl, don't let yourself down like that, we want you to be a winner like I had said you will be.

[TheQuestion]

C'mon hon, you and I have talked and I think you're taking it over the top. I told you I'm 5' 7" and wear a 42 - 44" band size, was a starting fullback in HS and built myself to look like a brick. So for a starter you haven't even taken the first step by seeking out a gender therapist. You haven't been on hormones and experienced the dramatic changes they bring about to mind and body. It's time to get it in gear and get off the pity party bandwagon and forget about suicide because it's just too permanent for what's really just a temporary hump that you have to jump over. C'mon girl, don't let yourself down like that, we want you to be a winner like I had said you will be.

Thanks Shan, and again I appreciate the support. I'm not trying to gain pity from anyone; I'm just pretty scared about the whole thing. I did see a therapist, but it was a bad match. He was listed as having experience, but it was clear that he dealt mostly w sexual performance issues. Then I got wait listed for a local health center and I've had trouble finding anyone who'd take my insurance. I just tried to contact another. I'll have to pay out of pocket w no insurance coverage, but I just really am desperate to see someone. She seems promising, so I'm hoping to hear back. And don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself, but that's how miserable I am. I sort of fantasize about it these days, but I don't actually want to do it. I really am hoping that I'm not hopeless. Guess I just have to find out...

[Jenna Marie]

Give the hormones a chance... PLEASE don't make any permanent decisions before at least seeing what HRT can do for you for a couple years.

I started at 5'8" and 42 band size, and I still wear a 42 in all but the most expensive bras, but I don't look exceptionally broad across the rib cage. (2 points : 38 is now the average American woman's band size, and boobs will make the rib cage look smaller. And a bonus third point, most people are not that good at eyeballing someone's band size versus breast size anyway. ) You're taller than I am and weigh a lot less than I do, and that means HRT adding a bit of fat to your frame could change things *drastically.* Even relatively small changes in fat distribution across butt and hips will look huge when you started off so slim. And don't underestimate how much muscle you can have even in bony places; I would have sworn my wrists were all bone, but I went from 17" bracelets to 14".

[JLT1]

Thanks Shan, and again I appreciate the support. I'm not trying to gain pity from anyone; I'm just pretty scared about the whole thing. I did see a therapist, but it was a bad match. He was listed as having experience, but it was clear that he dealt mostly w sexual performance issues. Then I got wait listed for a local health center and I've had trouble finding anyone who'd take my insurance. I just tried to contact another. I'll have to pay out of pocket w no insurance coverage, but I just really am desperate to see someone. She seems promising, so I'm hoping to hear back. And don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself, but that's how miserable I am. I sort of fantasize about it these days, but I don't actually want to do it. I really am hoping that I'm not hopeless. Guess I just have to find out...

Get to a therapist as soon as you can.  Give HRT a chance.  Everything changes and you will be surprised.  I'm larger than you in every respect but I've been on HRT for 16 months or so.  I pass in the body with no problem.  I had FFS for an overly masculine face.  But I pass REAL WELL right now.

Hugs,

Jen

[TheQuestion]

Give the hormones a chance... PLEASE don't make any permanent decisions before at least seeing what HRT can do for you for a couple years.

I started at 5'8" and 42 band size, and I still wear a 42 in all but the most expensive bras, but I don't look exceptionally broad across the rib cage. (2 points : 38 is now the average American woman's band size, and boobs will make the rib cage look smaller. And a bonus third point, most people are not that good at eyeballing someone's band size versus breast size anyway. ) You're taller than I am and weigh a lot less than I do, and that means HRT adding a bit of fat to your frame could change things *drastically.* Even relatively small changes in fat distribution across butt and hips will look huge when you started off so slim. And don't underestimate how much muscle you can have even in bony places; I would have sworn my wrists were all bone, but I went from 17" bracelets to 14".

Hopefully your right. If I start hrt, then I'm going to initially drop down about 20lbs to 130, then I'm gonna pack on about 50lbs and get to 180, which I've never been before. After that I'd try getting back down to 145 or however light I could go while still having good fat distribution. I'm not sure if that'd be a good route, but I'm assuming it would be.

[Shantel]

And don't underestimate how much muscle you can have even in bony places; I would have sworn my wrists were all bone, but I went from 17" bracelets to 14".

I've had to have two links removed from my metal watchband three times so far and even now it has become loose again. OMG I think I'm becoming rather delicate due to years on feminizing HRT!