Father Stuff

[Arch]

I'm wary of posting too many specific details of my life in the public forums, so I've talked about this stuff mostly on mod boards. I might have posted in Just for Us a time or two. The problem is, those boards are pretty restricted. I don't want to be recognizable, but I do sometimes want to hear from lots of people.

Here's the deal: My father and I are exchanging letters after a long, long estrangement. My goal was simply to come out to him (to both my parents, actually); I wasn't sure what I wanted after that. I couldn't quite envision having any kind of relationship with him, but I didn't rule it out because I knew that I didn't know my own mind. One step at a time.

The months have passed. I have achieved my objective, sort of; my mother still does not know, but that's out of my hands. I don't care about her, anyway.

But I feel pulled in two different directions. I feel "done" because now my father knows, but I simultaneously feel un-done because my mother does not know. Even if I don't like her, I want her to know. My father is neutral, tending toward positive, so we are writing back and forth. But now that I have achieved my objective of coming out, I realize that I'm writing back out of a sense of obligation, whereas he is trying hard to keep the lines of communication open, possibly for a future relationship. He has also dropped little hints about future letters; these hints make me curious to know what he will say, but at the same time, I can't imagine writing more of my awkward replies because I have to scrounge so hard to find anything to talk about. I kind of just want to stop. I'm finished. And yet, I know that I can't do that because very little has actually been resolved and because I fear the consequences.

I hurt them both very badly when I left home, and I don't want to do that again, no matter how I feel about them. But I tried the cards-and-letters routine for several years when I was younger, and it nearly destroyed me. I don't want to go through that again just because I feel obligated to keep this fiction going.

In short, I feel as if everything is completely up in the air, and that is one thing I hate with a passion and can't handle gracefully at all. I have triggered multiple times in the past two weeks, so I must now acknowledge that things are getting worse. I have decisions to make, but I have no idea how to make them. My therapist says, "Let's keep talking about this." I don't want to. I just want it to END.

I know that nobody here can really help me, but it's a relief to get it out there, at least.

[Ms Grace]

It's a tough one isn't it? As you know I'm going through similar with my father and I appreciate your comments about that on the thread I started there. I understand what you mean by obligation, in a way my biggest hurdle was to just tell my folks in the place. I love them both, I'm very close to my mother but less so my father who is generally reserved and distant regardless of efforts I've made towards changing that dynamic.

Has your father me you in person since you came out to him? That is what I'm working towards with mine and have already done with my mother. She had some pretty major doubts and reservations before that meet up, many of which seem to be resolved now. I'm hoping for similar with my father but he is resistant to the idea.

Anyway, can't offer up much more than that except my support for you, hope it works out whatever you decide.

[Arch]

In his first letters, he pushed for a face-to-face meeting. He stopped saying such things after he found out that I am trans. Anyway, I have a horror of meeting him in person. I'm afraid that he will get emotional. Even worse than that would be if I became emotional. And I don't think I want any of this to go further. I've gotten along fine without them. I do feel some guilt, and I originally felt a pull toward my father, but that seems to have petered out. It's all very strange.

There are some other big issues, but I don't feel comfortable talking about them. I just needed to get the basics out there and maybe hear from other folks who are similarly conflicted--or who don't particularly want relationships with their parents. I know that the rejection usually goes the other way, so I have been hesitant to post about this. It must be hard on some of the people here to see that at least one of my parents is being fairly positive but I want nothing to do with it.

I definitely still have issues. I know they aren't going to go away by themselves; I have spent years trying to ignore how I felt, and that clearly hasn't worked. But the last thing I want to do is talk about this stuff in therapy! UGH.

[Hex]

Maybe even being out now to him, you still feel a pull for acceptance? Escaping parental acceptance is such a hard thing to over come. That need to finally hear the words, "It's ok. We accept you, love you and are proud of you"

Those words are such pillars that I have found plague so many people even long after their parents depart this world. It pains them because they never felt that closure, that acceptance. Even being out to him, and even if your mother knew. Would it be enough? Maybe this is what is eating at you perhaps?

I could be totally off in left field with this. But it's something that plagues me as well. Heck even my husband has it eat at him since his relationship with his bio-dad is non existent and the only "father" figure he had as pretty much turned cheek and disowned him.

Both my parents know, which was a large weight off my shoulders. But now it feels like this thing that tugs at me. Like I'm sitting on the edge of my chair, waiting for the day my parents use my new name, the correct pronouns and tell me they love me as their son and not their daughter. That I know it's genuine and not shoved off as something to just make me happy.

I don't want to tangent further on your thread, just seemed like a thought that came across reading about your situation.

[Arch]

Maybe even being out now to him, you still feel a pull for acceptance? Escaping parental acceptance is such a hard thing to over come. That need to finally hear the words, "It's ok. We accept you, love you and are proud of you"

It might be that I'm waiting for full acceptance from him. He doesn't acknowledge me as his son and can't call me by my name. He doesn't use my birth name; he uses my current initials. But I can't quite see why it would matter. He knows I'm a gay man. Isn't that enough? It should be, shouldn't it?

The way I feel now, I do not want his love, and I certainly don't want anything from her.

Parents. Such a mess. I sometimes think they should be drowned at birth.

[luna nyan]

Even though you haven't been in much contact with him in recent years, the ties from childhood are still there and childhood feelings and memories are strong.

My father was out of my life from the time I was a toddler.  Even so, I still yearned for him till my early teens.  I exchanged a series of letters with him in my 20s and discovered he really was a douchebag, and at that point, felt finished with him.  I no longer miss him in any way as I have determined that there is no possible relationship with him other than a toxic one.

Arch, perhaps you are going through what I did when I was making the initial decision about contacting my father - the feelings about what was (the better days), what might be (reconciliation), and what is most likely (disappointment).  You may have to go through with things in order to get to a resolved end point.

Wishing you peace regardless.

[Bombadil]

I haven't talked to my dad for a couple years for reasons unrelated to trans issues. I tried to do just email communication and cards for a time but that was just too hard for me. He triggers me. So, I can maybe relate to what you are going through a bit.

If there's stuff you want to say but can't say here, you can PM me if you want.

[Arch]

Thanks, Christopher. I have stuff going on that I'm not comfortable mentioning to much of anybody. But I can touch on some of it; I'll never get feedback if I don't.

One thing I worry about is coming across as an uncaring jerk. When I was younger, I would sometimes tell people that I didn't talk to my parents, that I really loathed my mother, stuff like that. I didn't usually volunteer this information out of the blue; it was usually in response to some question or remark about how I was planning to spend a holiday or something. And I was judged, often harshly. I think that if I'd been living as a man, I would not have been seen in such a negative light. But my parents were a sore point with me, and I did not appreciate being told that I was some kind of monster for not spending time with them or loving them.

That's the thing. I don't love them. I have actually tried to--as if you can force something like that. I felt a pull toward my father, but that's pretty much gone now, and I don't know what good will come of this letter-writing campaign. I kind of wish I could take it all back, but I also know that I'm still unsatisfied with what's going on, and I'm not sure why. Part of the reason I responded is that I needed to figure out what I wanted from him. And I still haven't figured it out. Why get in touch with him? I needed to come out to him, sure, but I have done that. What else am I looking for? I don't effing know, but I'm not getting it, and I want to stop writing, but I feel that I can't.

It's like having a forbidden zone inside my own brain.

[Ayden]

Arch... I totally feel you man. I won't get into my family history too much, but I understand. If I ever loved my parents, it was a very long time ago and I can't remember it. My mother was gone even when she was there. My father... I don't know.

I kept in contact with him so that I could be there for my brothers. They are pretty much my damn kids and I would do anything for them. When my dad and I started talking a lot, I initially thought I was getting something from that relationship. As the years go on, I talk to him about once every 3-5 months and I don't feel anything. He's become a social obligation. My father is a person and he should get better from his first born, but I can't feel that love. There's a block there. I wonder after every phone call why I keep it up. I would stop talking to him but I feel like he needs it.

[Jeatyn]

I know where you're coming from Arch and I personally would not continue writing the letters if I didn't want to.....I get called uncaring or heartless all the time because I'm quite loose and fast with deciding certain people don't need to be in my life. For example I don't speak to one of my sisters or my brother, they treated me badly and I told them where to go....yet I'm the bad person?

When my mother died everyone insisted I get in touch with my biological father to reconnect, even though I had never met him or needed him before then it was suddenly imperative I get in touch. I wasn't interested, so my sister got in touch on my behalf. His response was basically that he's sorry to hear my mum died but he is in no way interested in starting up any contact. For me, this was a relief, I couldn't even picture the level of awkwardness I would have endured meeting the guy. Yet everyone else was acting like I just got majorly shot down and would be super upset.

The argument people always give me when I get the occasional lecture about cutting people out is "life is short" - yeah you're damn right life is short, my time is too precious to be wasted on people I don't like or who treat me badly. Sometimes I feel guilty sure, but I am also selfish if you wanna call it that, my feelings or the feelings of people I care about are number 1 priority. I make my life better and "pursue happiness" by removing things and people from it who damper that happiness, it works for me.

[Mal]

I don't really see anything wrong with not contacting your father anymore.

My parents don't know I'm trans because the one time I tried to tell my mom when I was I was in my early teens she refused to hear it, and she rules the roost, so my dad will always go with whatever she thinks. Since then, I accepted that I was going to have to someday choose to cut ties with my "family", so I could be myself, and I actually think that's much healthier, and most of the therapists I've had agree. There have been a couple who seem to think that I need to out myself to my parents first, which would only lead to feeling complete rejection and needing more years of therapy. Now that I think about it maybe that's what these therapists are hoping for, so they make more money.

[Arch]

When I was a teenager, I tried to tell my father I was trans. I didn't plan it; it just popped out. But I didn't have the knowledge or vocabulary to express what I thought I was, so he just glossed over it. I never brought it up again, and he doesn't even appear to remember that day. I haven't reminded him, either. I wonder if I should.

I think that cutting them off was one of the smartest things I have ever done--I was able to focus on other things--but I did it before I had fully dealt with all of my feelings. Those years amounted to repression. I was a master at repressing, but now it has all come back to bite me. I realized this shortly after I came out to myself for the final time, and that was nearly six years ago! I haven't made a lot of progress since then. I've mostly been putting out fires rather than working on dormant issues.

I am mindful that if I do stop writing to my father, I will probably be doing exactly the same thing I did all those years ago--repressing, not dealing. That wouldn't be good. So once again I am stuck. It's rather humiliating at my age.

[JLT1]

Arch,

An odd idea, I was just thinking and not all of my thoughts are good...

Rather than keep worrying about the past, let him know who/what you are now.  Every few weeks, pick a day or pick a theme or a hobby and tell him about that: what it is, why you like it (or don't like it), what you did etc.  More like a journal entry.  Then the next letter, if you choose, dredge up the past a little and deal with the issues as best as you can.  Then the next one, do the theme thing.  But make it every few weeks, not every week or so.

Hugs,

Jen