Copeing With the feeling if being alone. (trigger warning)

[HoneyStrums]

Just recently I've noticed some people speak about struggling with a sense of loneliness in the presence of others. For the most part we associate feeling lonely with being alone and in the absence of others. So I began to wonder about what actually make me feel lonely.

You have being alone for one, (we'll come back to this one) but what about when were with others and not alone?

Feeling unnoticed? Unwelcome?
Being Different? (feeling like you don't belong)

Now that's the one right there, feeling different. So why do we feel different? Because we are? I Don't think so, I mean yes there are attributes about us that might be unique to us, but is who we are and how we feel about our differences any different from how they would feel about it?

Lets look at it like this, I'm trans so lets put me in a room with everybody I know in person. In this situation I would be the only trans person in the group, now would I feel different? Yes. (So lets flip that shall we.) Now you have everybody I know from here (susans) and lets say my dad, who would feel different then I wonder?

So that can work with all sorts of things, being say the only gay person in a group, or the only straight person in a group. Being the only person to laugh at a joke, the only person who doesn't get the joke. The only person with your colour eyes or hair. The only cis man, the only cis woman, the only trans woman or trans man.

At any given moment in any given group there will be things about ourselves that we notice no one ells in the current group shares. And when this something about ourselves is a rare something we can find it difficult to cope with (especially when its been a cause of great pain).

So my advise for when you feel different, is understand that if you dig deep enough, you will find that other people are the odd ones out in other things.


Oh and back to being alone and the reason we don't like it? Well your automatically the only one of anything in that situation So of course its going feel poop.

[Jess42]

Feeling alone in a crowd. I know exaclty how that feels 'cause for me its kind of a cultural thing of where I am. People don't even seem to acknowledge one another. Or even strike up casual conversation. Most of the people may think I am a little crazy around here.

Feeling unnoticed? Never, I am noticed everywhere I go because I always look a little different than the rest of the people around me.

Unwelcome? Sometimes but I think that comes from being different.

Being different? Hell Yeah! No problems there. I actually revel in being different. I am usually the one that says things that other's won't. I am the one that will call someone out for being rude to myself or someone else. Yeah I am a wild one and really don't care so with my attitude and not letting people people treat me or anyone else like crap, I experience all three.

As for truly feeling alone. I love to be alone. For me it is more regenerative and peaceful. I don't think I have ever experienced a depressing lonliness in my life. But I am different than most people though.

[defective snowflake]

I actually feel that way more here than irl. Although irl I'm somewhat alone, I don't feel as unwelcome among other people as I do here.

[Pitch]

The thing about feeling like the only one is that most people eventually find a group that resonates with them or understands their approach. The trans person will drift away from the cis people and find other trans people, and if that first group's approach to trans is too different they'll simply drift until they find a group with a compatible view who can help and nourish them. Rainbows and puppies abound, and people have a sense of "coming home".

At 23, I've never felt that feeling in my life. I've spent years in some communities of people who were "like me" and was the minority when it came to my approach and perspective, which is very different than being the minority in something like your hair color or favorite television show. I wound up meeting a handful of close friends, who like me eventually gave up the search because we just plain stuck out too much and the consequences of that were too much to bear.

I'd quickly learned that being different sometimes wasn't just being different, because different is scary and threatening, especially if your beliefs are in opposition to the majority. Unlike one friend and his girlfriend I wasn't openly mocked in groups or snarked at until I was practically in tears, but I could feel it in the air. Different can get you bullied, even when you're not 14. It's that hostility, disbelief, and disinterest that leaves a mark as much as being different does.

[immortal gypsy]

This had me thinking of a poem by John Donne

'NO MAN IS AN ISLAND'

No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend's
Or of thine own were:
Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.

Yet it is strange in today's society of twitter, facebook, instagram, youtube, how connected yet disconnected we are at the same time.
Instead of this technology bringing the world together we have an obsession for people to be liked followed  that we obssess about what sets us apart from the norm leading us into a downward spiral. When as you said if you dig deep enough we are all different and that world a fun place to live in.
It is not surprising that man (homo sapien sapien) likes company we are a social creature afterall. Yet how many of us are truly interacting. Go to a party or a pub are people talking or are they looking at a their phones whatching cat videos, YOU WONDER WHY YOU ARE FEELING ALONE AND ISOLATED TRY OPENING YOUR MOUTH AND TALKING TO THE PERSON WATCHING A CAT VIDEO NEXT TO YOU
Being prepared to march to the beat of your own drum can be lonley at first but as the first two opening lines say we are not seperate islands driffting alone. If you are prepared to truly be yourself faults and all and not follow the sheeple. (If you are trans you are trans, if you are dyslexic you are dyslexic, if you like singing Gilbert and Sulivian badly do so ), eventually you will find someone who will understand what you are on about. You just may need a little paitence and time

Gypsy


Sorry if I highjacked your thread Victoria this is just what spoke to me when I read your post

[Edge]

For me, it's being unwelcome and unwanted, being shut out, and not being able to trust anyone for a good reason.
As for that "everyone feels different" stuff, if everyone was different as me, then they'd get treated the same way I have. But they haven't and they don't and it honestly makes me mad when people claim to feel different because they have no clue what it's really like. I don't mean being trans, being queer, or being mildly eccentric. I mean there is something so different about me that people (including people who claim to be good) have no problem hurting me and feel completely justified in doing so. The people who claim to like weird people are usually the worst.

[Jess42]

For me, it's being unwelcome and unwanted, being shut out, and not being able to trust anyone for a good reason.
As for that "everyone feels different" stuff, if everyone was different as me, then they'd get treated the same way I have. But they haven't and they don't and it honestly makes me mad when people claim to feel different because they have no clue what it's really like. I don't mean being trans, being queer, or being mildly eccentric. I mean there is something so different about me that people (including people who claim to be good) have no problem hurting me and feel completely justified in doing so. The people who claim to like weird people are usually the worst.

I really identify with ya' Edge. I claim to be different and live on the outer limits of normality and believe me, you are welcome in my world. being normal is so overrated anyway.

[Edge]

I really identify with ya' Edge. I claim to be different and live on the outer limits of normality and believe me, you are welcome in my world. being normal is so overrated anyway.

Thanks. Yeah it is. I tried to be normal, failed miserably at it, only ended up not liking myself, and people still hurt me because I still can't figure out what it is about me that makes them so uncomfortable. (And, no, it's not the temper. Most people would do things before seeing any glimpse of my temper.)

[AnneB]

One of the best lines I saw in a post here...  Normal... is a dryer setting..

[Jess42]

Thanks. Yeah it is. I tried to be normal, failed miserably at it, only ended up not liking myself, and people still hurt me because I still can't figure out what it is about me that makes them so uncomfortable. (And, no, it's not the temper. Most people would do things before seeing any glimpse of my temper.)

Hell Edge, there is absolutely nothing wrong with temper. Normality is so overartated anyway. Don't ever worry or apologize for your strong sense of character, it just means you are an alpha male. I am comfortable talking to you. If I ever offend you just tell me. I ain't above apologizing of I "P" you off.

Don't let people hurt you hon. Do like I did and just aquire a thick skin and don't let anything bother you or get under your skin.

[Edge]

Meh. Personally, I'm of the opinion that maintaining boundaries and cutting people out does more to stop people from hurting me than a thick skin. But then, I may have the definition wrong since most people who have told me about having a thick skin meant to sit down and shut up.

[Umiko]

how i cope.......um, i guess drown myself out in my games or get out the house as much as i can so i wont get lost in my thoughts

[Jess42]

Meh. Personally, I'm of the opinion that maintaining boundaries and cutting people out does more to stop people from hurting me than a thick skin. But then, I may have the definition wrong since most people who have told me about having a thick skin meant to sit down and shut up.

Believe me Edge, I would neve tell you to sit down and shut up. Tha is so not me. I would be the first tell you to stand and scream "F" You. A thick skin definately doesn't mean "sit down and shut up" but rather, "what you say, I don't give a rat's butt".

To be completelyt honest with you, I find you a little intimidating. That is a very good thing for you. Never take crap from anyone. Just don't physically hurt them though. When you do cut people out or distance yourself from them, you may lose some actual friendships that are truly meaningful. Don't ever let people hurt you, believe me you have complete control over that. It took me a while to truly understand that but now I do and have for quite a while now. And no Edge, I thick skin does in no way, no how mean, "sit down and shut up". And if the person saying that feels that way, well.. I think we are more alike than we think because I know exaclty what I would tell them, and it ain't nothin' nice. You can just imagine?

[immortal gypsy]

I'm with Jess on this one.  Thick skin doesn't mean you sit down and just take it, but you are prepared to come out swinging when it is required and not caring about what others think about you in the process.

Besides who is right to tell us what is normal.  Your reality is my illusion. Unfortunately people still don't seem to comprehend that, and keep looking for the right hole to fit me in. A girlfriend and I our friendship and I is based on our mutual love of color mythology and our general loathing of the human race.

[Edge]

  I like you ladies.

[HoneyStrums]

Sorry If people took offence at anything I said, I was just trying to say we are all different, I was hoping to point out that how each and every one of us feel about our differences is something in response to how we are treated by others, that differences SHOULDNT matter but they do matter because other people make them matter, by treating some differences, differently to others.

When I mentioned the different differences, I was hoping to point out that taking some focus away from being the trans different, and focusing more on things that aren't different between you and any given person, can go a long way to helping you feel less alone. Because sharing a passion, a hobby, a and a multitude of other things you feel strongly positive about, can help you to cope with the differences you have strong feelings about. It is like this for me, and hope it is similar for you.

YOU WONDER WHY YOU ARE FEELING ALONE AND ISOLATED? TRY OPENING YOUR MOUTH AND TALKING TO THE PERSON WATCHING A CAT VIDEO NEXT TO YOU

Yeah, but most people don't, because their frightened they will come across as a creep, and be met with hostility.
But the person might be friendly, not talking to this person can make them miss out and the possibility of making a friend.

sighs, a few rotten vegetables spoil the broth. trouble is we all like different flavours and we got different ideas of rotten.

[Felix]

OMG YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR CAT VIDEOS, PUT YOUR INTERNET PHONES DOWN AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER

Just kidding, I just couldn't resist the opportunity to indulge in capslock too. To respond to that point, if I'm honestly functional enough and have enough free time to go to a party or bar, I'm probably not going to be feeling very alone. I can contact an acquaintance or stranger and talk to them if I'm doing that well, and I can attend events where I might forge relationships.

I mostly feel alone in situations where I feel stuck or cornered. Like if the only time I talk to grownups is online late at night, fine. I don't feel alone or excluded. But if I am interacting with other adults in normal daytime situations it can be different. I feel alone sometimes when I notice (and sometimes overemphasize in my mind) that my problems and concerns seem unique. I feel alone when people accept some part of my identity and reject the rest. I feel alone when my awareness of potential danger is clearly not shared by people around me. That's not their fault, but still.

I don't have any surefire advice for coping. Cat videos are honestly pretty awesome for feeling less alone, in my opinion. I can be a total alien in society and watching Maru dealing with boxes will make me feel like a valued person, even though that doesn't make sense.

[Jess42]

Sorry If people took offence at anything I said, I was just trying to say we are all different, I was hoping to point out that how each and every one of us feel about our differences is something in response to how we are treated by others, that differences SHOULDNT matter but they do matter because other people make them matter, by treating some differences, differently to others.

When I mentioned the different differences, I was hoping to point out that taking some focus away from being the trans different, and focusing more on things that aren't different between you and any given person, can go a long way to helping you feel less alone. Because sharing a passion, a hobby, a and a multitude of other things you feel strongly positive about, can help you to cope with the differences you have strong feelings about. It is like this for me, and hope it is similar for you.

Yeah, but most people don't, because their frightened they will come across as a creep, and be met with hostility.
But the person might be friendly, not talking to this person can make them miss out and the possibility of making a friend.

sighs, a few rotten vegetables spoil the broth. trouble is we all like different flavours and we got different ideas of rotten.

Why would anyone take offense, Butterfly? I think it is a very legitimate set of thoughts. Diversity among people and those differences are probably one of the things that have allowed hamankind to flourish and advance techolgically the way we have. If not we would be in that Orwelian world of 1984.

I love interacting with people that are different than myself. But that seems to be changing. Cat videos? not so much but how many people do we rub shoulders against everyday in a crowd that has their cellphone against their ear or looking at a screen texting? A lot of people now don't even make eye contact with or even say, "Good day" to one another. It is even rare when people in a group without being able to use their cellphones even talk to one another. It's almost like they are having "Smart Phone Withdrawal".

Thanks. Yeah it is. I tried to be normal, failed miserably at it, only ended up not liking myself, and people still hurt me because I still can't figure out what it is about me that makes them so uncomfortable. (And, no, it's not the temper. Most people would do things before seeing any glimpse of my temper.)

From what I can tell about you just here on the forums, you have a strong personality Edge. That does intimidate a lot of people. To me it seems like you have an alpha type of personality and it doesn't have anything to do with having a bad temper. People will feel intimidated unless they have the same type of personality and usually will not be very open and or friendly. Everyone wants to be an alpha type but are not and when they do come across someone with an alpha personality, they tend to shun them or withdraw from them. They may even lash out singularly or in groups. Singularly it will be behind your back though. In other words when people see you coming they will tend to step aside, or cross to the other side of the road to avoid contact. Like I said earlier though, it really isn't a bad thing. I tend to make people uncomfortable around me but I usually disarm them with a bubbly type, let's go have a good time, party girl or boy attitude. Hell I will even make fun of my ownself and joke around with others, but I will not be pushed around by others. Does that make sense? Is that kind of how you feel?

[Edge]

Why are you apologizing, Butterfly?

When I mentioned the different differences, I was hoping to point out that taking some focus away from being the trans different, and focusing more on things that aren't different between you and any given person, can go a long way to helping you feel less alone. Because sharing a passion, a hobby, a and a multitude of other things you feel strongly positive about, can help you to cope with the differences you have strong feelings about. It is like this for me, and hope it is similar for you.

This helped me feel more comfortable with my friends and is a good tip. For awhile after first coming out, all I could focus on was being trans.

Yeah, but most people don't, because their frightened they will come across as a creep, and be met with hostility.

This is why I don't. Sometimes I do, but not as much in this city.

From what I can tell about you just here on the forums, you have a strong personality Edge. That does intimidate a lot of people. To me it seems like you have an alpha type of personality and it doesn't have anything to do with having a bad temper. People will feel intimidated unless they have the same type of personality and usually will not be very open and or friendly. Everyone wants to be an alpha type but are not and when they do come across someone with an alpha personality, they tend to shun them or withdraw from them. They may even lash out singularly or in groups. Singularly it will be behind your back though. In other words when people see you coming they will tend to step aside, or cross to the other side of the road to avoid contact. Like I said earlier though, it really isn't a bad thing. I tend to make people uncomfortable around me but I usually disarm them with a bubbly type, let's go have a good time, party girl or boy attitude. Hell I will even make fun of my ownself and joke around with others, but I will not be pushed around by others. Does that make sense? Is that kind of how you feel?

That makes a lot of sense. I don't know if I'm an alpha, but I'm very intense. I wish I could dial it down, but I haven't managed it yet.

[Jess42]

That makes a lot of sense. I don't know if I'm an alpha, but I'm very intense. I wish I could dial it down, but I haven't managed it yet.

Well, good luck on dialing it down. I never could. I had to find a way to channel that intensity in way that wasn't quite so intimidating. I know for sure it isn't my size and about the only thing that I could ever guess was that it was my personality.