Gender Marker and other thoughts

[Bombadil]

I've been on T a month now. Lately reality has been slapping me in the face hard about how I don't pass at all. I know a month on T isn't enough time, it's just hard to not feel doubts. Maybe I will never pass?

And I keep running into road blocks. Mostly about changing my name but then the barber shop turned me firmly away with  "I don't cut women's hair" and "we are closed anyway". .

But I have to be honest. I've been trying to change my name, how people identify me and stuff but I haven't tried to change my gender marker yet. I have some rational reasons- I've had female related health issues in the past and I'm worried if I change my gender marker insurance will deny any future issues. But is that the only reason?

But when I see videos of other transitions I want it so much and when I read/see kids transitioning I'm so freaking jealous. What if I could have been a little boy? What if??? I want that so much it hurts. I wish I could go back and wave a magic wand and change that girl I was into a boy. And yeah, the bad stuff that happened to me makes that wanting stronger but that's not why. Little boy me running around in the woods and playing football and exploring just makes sense.

So why do I hesitate? why not rush into changing my gender marker... it's stupid things like I don't think of myself as him yet. I can't comfortably deal with being misgendered. So maybe it's not doubt. Maybe I'm just trying to do this in my way and at my pace. Hell, maybe I'll never officially change it? Wouldn't that be funny? In a way it would be me sticking my tongue out at the world that wants to put me in a box.

And I get so mad at myself. I see people on the forums who seem to be able to present and proclaim there true gender with such confidence or determination. And when I can't I think that means it proves I'm not transgender. In truth it has more to do with my abuse history. Survive by being who they want to be. Be who you are inside and keep that secret so they can't destroy. I have a life time of undoing to do.

And this is all so raw I don't know that I'll leave it up here. I contradict myself all the time. I want to help make it easier for others by being honest and speaking the truth but at the same time...  what I know best is how to hide. I can be loud and nice and outspoken but that's the chameleon not me, but this, right now is me.

[FTMDiaries]

I hear ya. I felt the exact same way during my first few months on T. My brain was being rewired under the influence of testosterone and I felt... unsettled? - that's probably the best way to put it. I also have a background of being abused, and of pretending to be someone else whilst hiding who I am so that they couldn't get to my core and hurt me where it would hurt me the most, so I understand where you're coming from there.

So like you, I started reassessing my past experiences through the lens of finally transitioning, and I mourned for my lost childhood & teenage years, the vigour of my 20s, the excitement of my 30s and all the other things that I could've experienced differently if I'd just been born cisgender or had transitioned earlier. I wondered whether I'd ever be able to attain a state of comfort.

Then life got in the way and I stopped focusing on my internal issues so much for a couple of months. Meanwhile, my reassessment process was continuing subconsciously, and several things changed for me without my noticing what was happening:

• I acknowledged the abuse in my past, and made a decision that - scary as it may be - now is the time to allow my core to be fully exposed;
• I realised that my childhood wasn't lost at all: all those times I ran through the woods, or played rugby, or explored the African bushveld, or played cops 'n robbers, it was little boy me doing all those things all along;
• other people started commenting that my appearance had changed radically, and strangers started gendering me correctly around 6 months on T. It takes us older guys a little while to get there, but we do get there.
  

Give it time, and take comfort in the knowledge that you're on the right path now. You know it's early days for you on T, but please be kind to yourself and recognise that you're undertaking a mammoth change - both physically and mentally - and that it's going to take some time to adjust. In the meantime, please remember that the mourning you're experiencing is actually very healthy, and is part of the road to recovering from the pains of your past.

[Bombadil]

This post means a lot to me. And yeah, all those times I played in the mud, played football, played with trucks, climbed way too high in the trees and played with the neighborhood boys. That was the boy me. And with all the other stuff that happened that boy was full of life and adventure and fun.

And I guess I need to acknowledge that I am mourning. Yes, I had that boy but most of the time he was locked up inside. I guess the mourning is ok to do. I always worry I'm wallowing but that's a nonstarter.

[Megan Joanne]

I think you'll be fine Christopher, its always most confusing at the beginning. Even though I knew I felt like a girl inside, and I explored every possible outcome that I could think of in undertaking my journey towards becoming me, I would still second guess myself constantly, wondering if I was doing the right thing, that maybe I should've stayed a guy and tried to cope, or maybe everyone else is right, that perhaps it was just a phase (it wasn't) or some other detail that I had to consider, afterall, biggest change of my life. I was fine, still am, despite a little bump here and there, I feel happy that I can be me (even if I'm a bit of an emotional wreck all too much).

Don't try to rush yourself, take every day as much you feel comfortable with, you'll know when you are ready for the next step and it'll come so much easier that way. And yes, do it your way! If there's only certain things you wish to change but others not, its your business, not anyone else's to tell you how to achieve happiness within yourself. You don't have to follow the same route as everyone else, we are all different. Just be you.

[Declan.]

But I have to be honest. I've been trying to change my name, how people identify me and stuff but I haven't tried to change my gender marker yet.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but I've been on testosterone for over a year and haven't changed mine yet. I haven't changed my name yet, either. The only reason I haven't changed anything is because I'm a chronic procrastinator when it comes to paperwork. There's no other reason, lol. I want to, too, I've just been "getting to it" for the past 365+ days.

In spite of my thick black beard, deep voice and masculine features, there have been no consequences at all from not changing my gender marker, name or even getting a different driver's license picture. However, I've never been pulled over in my life either, and I don't look younger than 21 (although I don't go to clubs, and rarely buy alcohol). If I do need to show my ID for some reason, or I have to make a phone call, I just say I'm transgender and that's the end of it; no one has ever hounded or harassed me. Then again, we do live in an unusually progressive part of the country. I don't personally think you'll have any problems if you wait to change your gender marker.

[Bombadil]

Thank you both.

I guess I feel like I need to be ready to defend my decision and if I have doubts or don't change my gender marker than I can't defend what I'm doing.

I also told my therapist that I'm a finisher. I hate having things unresolved. I will sometimes force myself to finish a project when I could do a better job if I came back later when I had more time/resources to finish.

And it seems weird that I don't want to change my gender marker. I mean when I was a kid, I clearly identified as a boy with no problem. And now I've changed my name and I'm living as a guy but I'm not changing that marker. So what am I waiting for?

[Declan.]

Thank you both.

I guess I feel like I need to be ready to defend my decision and if I have doubts or don't change my gender marker than I can't defend what I'm doing.

I also told my therapist that I'm a finisher. I hate having things unresolved. I will sometimes force myself to finish a project when I could do a better job if I came back later when I had more time/resources to finish.

And it seems weird that I don't want to change my gender marker. I mean when I was a kid, I clearly identified as a boy with no problem. And now I've changed my name and I'm living as a guy but I'm not changing that marker. So what am I waiting for?

You've only been on testosterone for a month, correct? Most of us have a lot of feelings when we finally begin medically transitioning. There's a certain "finality" to it, and changing your gender marker is another "finality." It's my opinion that every "milestone" you reach should be as free of stress as possible. You may want to wait a few months before you take the next step. Doing it right now seems it would cause unnecessary stress when it could be something emotionally rewarding if you do it later.

[Bombadil]

thank you Declan. I think that's exactly what I needed to hear.

I think the gender marker issue suddenly gained weight because my HR called and wanted to know if I'd changed it with SS yet. And ... it sort of took me by surprise. I am struggling to change my name with social security and that's much more important to me and all of a sudden there asking about a whole other set of hoops to jump through.