Will opting against SRS have serious affects on me?

[Umiko]

Again sorry if anything I say seems insensitive, but I've always seen the purpose of transitioning as becoming either a man or a woman -- not a "transgirl." However people will do and be what they like and that's their choice.

Also, I don't think it's fair saying it's normal for people to feel undecided. When I could coherently understand that I was supposed to be female I never had any doubt about doing everything I could do to become a female.

becuz of what happened growing up is also making me second thinking SRS. i dont want to give men or even other females a better opportunity to use me as a toy like many have in my past. its mostly that fear thats driving me away, thus why i say i dont want to completely give up my male side until i can learn to survive with "him" that thing down there is my reminder that i still have my "protector" close by. its hard to explain so lets just leave it at that. i may sound like a brat but really its for sake that i havent really dealt with that part of my life that would completely stop me from going all the way

[Goldfish]

i want to go through with the surgery and become complete, but at the same time, i dont want to let go of my male side completely seeing how its literally keeping me alive. of course i'm going to start HRT but that dangling thing down there will be the only thing that will remind me of my survival. its driving me crazy and its starting to set off my dysphoria. idk, i just need answers 

all i know is that i want it but than that would mean sacrificing my male side thus i would have to learn to survive all over again.

I get the male side keeping you alive and helping you survive thing.
I would say I'm genderqueer, though most of the time it's more of an academic point as there is more than enough female in there and physically I want everything to be female. So it's easier and more practical to say I ID as female rather than non-binary (or maybe fluid between NB-F?). I never really tried that much to be male, never paid attention to male social norms, etc. Just tried to reinvent being a man by being myself. Though female/feminine stuff was a line not to be crossed. While trying to be a man, I adopted an attitude of never giving up, of being able to try and try and try and just push until I could do what I was aiming for. Always look for the up side to something, etc. What I'm realising is that it's not really my 'male' side or 'male' traits, just a useful, vital part of me. Regardless of how I change my body, it will still be there. Your male side is a part of you, your mind, not what's between your legs. (not sure this paragraph says what I would like to say in a clear way, but it's 5:25 and I should really be asleep  maybe tomorrow)

Having said that, it did play a role in my name selection. I decided to honour the origin of that attitude with a name that I both love and references the inspiration. I did wonder if I was tying myself to my past, whether it was a bad choice. But I really like the part of my name in question and I really value the trait in question. It's one of the parts of me that I have always felt proud of.

Also; it's worth considering that castrating yourself can only further complicate your life if you DO decide to get SRS... Gotta give me something to work with ~ contrary to popular belief, they don't "cut it off" rather than "repurposing" it. You need what you got to successfully get what you need say that 3 times fast.

I was pretty shocked when someone I know joked about that. My first response was how the hell could anyone think that. It's not like they haven't seen a vajayjay before, they know it's not just smooth skin and nothing else. My second thought was, is that all you think it takes to be a woman, a lack of male genitals? No? So again, WTF!

EDIT: Took so long writing that there were a few replies. Some of your most recent post slightly undermines what I said, so take what you will.

[LittleEmily24]

Again sorry if anything I say seems insensitive, but I've always seen the purpose of transitioning as becoming either a man or a woman -- not a "transgirl." However people will do and be what they like and that's their choice.

Also, I don't think it's fair saying it's normal for people to feel undecided. When I could coherently understand that I was supposed to be female I never had any doubt about doing everything I could do to become a female.

I was just going on what some of the transgirls I've met online have told me... As well as my own belief that while I personally prefer to get SRS, I don't feel that iit invalidates anyone's womanhood if they decide not to get it. Not saying that you are implying that, just kinda adding to what I said initially. As for feeling undecided... Well, then I guess I'm not normal... But if I'm going on what my therapist told me when I was telling her frantically in my first session "I feel like I'm not allowed to say I'm trans because I'm unsure or disinclined to getting the surgery *tears of inferiority*"... She reassured me that lots of transgirls feel undecided at first, not everyone wants SRS straight out of the get-go. I mean isn't one of the biggest problems this community faces, the fact that society places gender SOLELY on your genitals? Why all the unnecessary pressure to get SRS as if it's the only way it validates your gender..

Idk, in my time of having been in the trans community, I came under the impression as well as agreeing ideal that genitals don't make gender, so deciding not to get SRS because you are happy with your birth-parts, or being undecided because half of you feels it's what people think you should get while the other half of you feels that you are perfectly fine just the way you are... It seems that being undecided is as normal as opting out would be. 

Btw sorry if any of this sounds argumentative or bitchy, not my intention just felt the need to back up what I said.

As for OP; I agree with what everyone else is saying about how pressuring SRS is irresponsible and ridiculous. Can't say I can offer much advice though

Aaaaaand also, just for the sake of my impossibly OCD grammar correction ~ I meant to say "gotta give **them** something to work with"
I know it was probably overlooked but I felt the need to correct that >_<

[teeg]

becuz of what happened growing up is also making me second thinking SRS. i dont want to give men or even other females a better opportunity to use me as a toy like many have in my past. its mostly that fear thats driving me away, thus why i say i dont want to completely give up my male side until i can learn to survive with "him" that thing down there is my reminder that i still have my "protector" close by. its hard to explain so lets just leave it at that. i may sound like a brat but really its for sake that i havent really dealt with that part of my life that would completely stop me from going all the way

What happened to anyone growing up shouldn't effect anything to do with transitioning. If it does you're letting outside influences make you think differently than you would yourself, and again it'd be wise to seek help from a mental health professional to clear that up before continue with anything. As far as people "treating you like a toy" I can say that in the real world most of this non-op, non-binary, etc., stuff doesn't go over too well. To many people you're either a man or a woman and gaining acceptance from those in a trans-community won't help you anywhere else but here. Again, get help and get a clear mind. Trying to make decisions while you're confused will just hurt you more.

I was just going on what some of the transgirls I've met online have told me... As well as my own belief that while I personally prefer to get SRS, I don't feel that iit invalidates anyone's womanhood if they decide not to get it.

I agree that femininity and masculinity don't pertain to genitalia, gender I'd say is the same, but in many people's eyes gender is determined by sex, and if someone has a penis they're male, if they have a vagina they're female. Not many people outside of trans communities believes in non-op, non-binary stuff, even a couple gay friends of mine have told me they think it's a joke. Just trying to share a REAL point of view rather than a fantasy point of view that many here share.

I'm just saying that I think too often this attitude of, "if it feels good do it" is always promoted, but outside of LGBT communities that this can be more destructive than good. It seems this is too much of a painful realization that no one wants to address and try to help people understand so they can be a healthy member of society rather than confining themselves to a small circle of friendly people.

[kelly_aus]

What happened to anyone growing up shouldn't effect anything to do with transitioning. If it does you're letting outside influences make you think differently than you would yourself, and again it'd be wise to seek help from a mental health professional to clear that up before continue with anything. As far as people "treating you like a toy" I can say that in the real world most of this non-op, non-binary, etc., stuff doesn't go over too well. To many people you're either a man or a woman and gaining acceptance from those in a trans-community won't help you anywhere else but here. Again, get help and get a clear mind. Trying to make decisions while you're confused will just hurt you more.

I agree that femininity and masculinity don't pertain to genitalia, gender I'd say is the same, but in many people's eyes gender is determined by sex, and if someone has a penis they're male, if they have a vagina they're female. Not many people outside of trans communities believes in non-op, non-binary stuff, even a couple gay friends of mine have told me they think it's a joke. Just trying to share a REAL point of view rather than a fantasy point of view that many here share.

Which is why I don't use terms like non-op or non-binary outside of the trans community, heck, I rarely even make a reference to being trans.. Although my experiences don't seem to match yours in regards to acceptance of such terms. And just how does someone determine what genitals I have, unless I tell them or happen to be exposing them for some reason? And, frankly, 'a couple gay friends of mine' is hardly a representative sample.

I'm just saying that I think too often this attitude of, "if it feels good do it" is always promoted, but outside of LGBT communities that this can be more destructive than good. It seems this is too much of a painful realization that no one wants to address and try to help people understand so they can be a healthy member of society rather than confining themselves to a small circle of friendly people.

I'm not confined to a 'small circle of friendly people', I am friends with and interact regularly with a broad range of people, some of whom I know think the whole trans thing is BS, but they respect me enough to not give me any crap about it.

Here's a question.. What's the point of transition if all I'm supposed to do is move from one ill-fitting box to another that doesn't quite fit for other reasons?

[Umiko]

i just feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box. conform to one gender, nearly kills me, conform to the other, i still feel like i dont belong. i thought if i can just have one foot in and one foot out, i'll maybe find stable ground but yet, i dont even fit in that. guess i'm just one of those people

[LittleEmily24]

I'm just saying that I think too often this attitude of, "if it feels good do it" is always promoted, but outside of LGBT communities that this can be more destructive than good. It seems this is too much of a painful realization that no one wants to address and try to help people understand so they can be a healthy member of society rather than confining themselves to a small circle of friendly people.

Thats the problem though. Its not about living in a fantasy world, its about bringing on an effective change by simply standing against such archaic ideals. I mean sure, we can all just embrace the (not-so-true) reality that "if i keep my penis, only the trans community will see me as an equal female." but despite its rarity, there are in fact people out there who are not ->-bleeped-<-s or who are not preferential to transwomen, that are completely unaffected by a woman's parts whether she is cis or trans or intersex etc. and for those that do have a problem, the only moment they have a problem is when they actually "see" it, without taking into consideration that "hey, I fell in love with a woman, and her having a penis doesn't change that."...

its not about trying to make ourselves feel better, its about being the change you want to see in the world... at least for me... I dont begin to pretend that everyone is going to embrace me if I don't get SRS, but I'm also not interested in the ones who would seek to force SRS on me simply because "its what makes me a REAL woman." (once again just to be clear, im not saying that this is what you're saying, but more towards the people who would come to believe such a notion)  I have plenty of friends who treat me like another woman despite my parts, and i even have guy friends (as hard as it is to believe) that have begun showing flirtatious behavior towards me, despite having known me for many previous years as male... they are fully aware that I'm transitioning, fully aware that I am pre-op, and identify as 100% straight as an arrow.. .yet now they are not above getting friendly or in some cases "overly" friendly. Its not a painful realization... nor is it a fantasy... especially judging by the fact that I've met a few straight AND gay cispeople who don't believe in the gender binary..  I'm aware that we live in a world where a large majority of people believe that to be a "real woman" or "real man" you gotta have the right genitals, but that is a world that is stuck in an archaic time, and i see it best to simply change that by way of educating those who wish to be educated, or live in the small percentage of the world that sees beyond gender and beyond black and white, and lives in the yellow,red,blue,orange, etc. I obviously can't prove anything I'm saying other than by telling you its what i've experienced...

How could we hope to make progress if we just conform to the ignorance that surrounds us? It just seems so defeatist to go about our lives thinking that supporting and attempting to integrate society or into a society of a non-binary thought process, is a "fantasy." when it really isnt anything more than just "difficult".

But again, this is my experience, I don't speak on matters based on "hopes and dreams." i've always been a realist and I don't believe in "fantasy", and in my experience, this "unrealistic" point of view has proven to be quite real for me despite the large amounts of ignorance i've faced... the small amounts of acceptance i've gained have outweighed it greatly... and been nothing but constructive for me.

Is this sort of positive integration plentiful? Hell no, I wish. But you would think that being part of even a "small" group of people who think openly, would be better than being part of a large group who thinks our existence or true identity is bull->-bleeped-<- or "a cry for attention" for various silly reasons. I mean why would you even want to be a part of that?

[Umiko]

idk, it just seems like i have to say yes in order to progress in my transition because of the idea of becoming "whole" i say i have no current dysphoria of m bottom bits, and its "oh looks like your cured" when clearly that alone is the gun trigger that would kill me

[Miharu Barbie]

Brianna, questions about the binary gender spectrum and where along that spectrum you fall aside, my gut tells me that if you are impulsively attempting self-mutilation from time to time, then your subconscious mind is letting you know where your heart is at on the subject of genital surgery.  Clearly, living with a penis attached to your body is not how you want live out the rest of your life, otherwise you probably would not find yourself again and again at your wits end and ready to cut yourself.  Listen to what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you, plan for surgery at some point in the future, and know that you are always free to change your mind at any time between now and that future date. 

Trust what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you.  If you can simply making the decision today to move towards surgery at some distant future date, you might just discover that the act of making a decision could bring needed relief to your conscious mind so that you can gain more clarity about what you want and why you want it.

If you don't mind me saying so.

[Jessica Merriman]

i just feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box. conform to one gender, nearly kills me, conform to the other, i still feel like i dont belong. i thought if i can just have one foot in and one foot out, i'll maybe find stable ground but yet, i dont even fit in that. guess i'm just one of those people

You need to work this out with a Therapist before your transition any further. If you don't and go all the way to HRT and SRS I see a serious case of HRT and post op regret coming on.

[Umiko]

Brianna, questions about the binary gender spectrum and where along that spectrum you fall aside, my gut tells me that if you are impulsively attempting self-mutilation from time to time, then your subconscious mind is letting you know where your heart is at on the subject of genital surgery.  Clearly, living with a penis attached to your body is not how you want live out the rest of your life, otherwise you probably would not find yourself again and again at your wits end and ready to cut yourself.  Listen to what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you, plan for surgery at some point in the future, and know that you are always free to change your mind at any time between now and that future date. 

Trust what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you.  If you can simply making the decision today to move towards surgery at some distant future date, you might just discover that the act of making a decision could bring needed relief to your conscious mind so that you can gain more clarity about what you want and why you want it.

If you don't mind me saying so.

i dont mind, and you have a point there but i'm still high on the fence. no matter how much i think about it, the answer is always yes, i should get it but than a certain part of me tries to fight it and thus puts me into a serious situation.

You need to work this out with a Therapist before your transition any further. If you don't and go all the way to HRT and SRS I see a serious case of HRT and post op regret coming on.

i know and i have seriously thought about talking to my therapist as soon as i get the money. though i know i want it, i do have some concerns i wanted to talk to him about before i completely fold. my appointment with my psychiatrist is the day before my OB/GYN appointment so i'll see what happens and if i'm stable enough to start, if not, i'll hold out a bit longer

[Jill F]

Which is why I don't use terms like non-op or non-binary outside of the trans community, heck, I rarely even make a reference to being trans.. Although my experiences don't seem to match yours in regards to acceptance of such terms. And just how does someone determine what genitals I have, unless I tell them or happen to be exposing them for some reason? And, frankly, 'a couple gay friends of mine' is hardly a representative sample.

I'm not confined to a 'small circle of friendly people', I am friends with and interact regularly with a broad range of people, some of whom I know think the whole trans thing is BS, but they respect me enough to not give me any crap about it.

Here's a question.. What's the point of transition if all I'm supposed to do is move from one ill-fitting box to another that doesn't quite fit for other reasons?

I like this.  A lot. 

My thoughts: I think a full transition is far too often shoved down our throats when a partial one will suffice to make us happy.  A lot of us are actually non-binary, whether we realize it or not.   My wife is borderline non-binary and isn't transitioning.   She even has a preferred male name.  I thought I was non-binary for a long time and even embraced it before I started to figure out that my brain is actually so far over to the "F" side of the spectrum that a full social transistion was necessary and that SRS is probably actually warranted in my case.   I will know for sure a few months after I try the orchi on for size.  This is why I recommend carefully planned baby steps when anyone transitions.  Failed transitions too often end in tragedy, and this is why going too fast or too much too soon is not good, no matter how good it feels at the time.  I could have been on the SRS table already, but I don't want to regret it.   I am currently 98% sure, but I am waiting until that figure is 100%.  I am also even going more slowly than my therapist and endo recommended, and they are quite cautious.  My wife took about 5 years to cultivate a proper D cup, and I am in no hurry either.  One thing that transition has taught me is patience.  I refuse to regret anything.

Transition is not one-size-fits-all.  It must be tailored to the individual.

[Umiko]

i just feel like, i have the make the chose, and i want to make the right one. i want to go for it because that desire to become complete is like a never dying flame but on the other hand, i'm getting burned by the same desire. every moment its chipping away at the mortal of my soul and its causing more problems than it is solutions. time isnt something i really have and it does go by super quickly if i dont think about it. if i can make my decision now, than when the time does come, i'll be ready and i;d have everything together but i'm so far on the fence, idk when that would happen. the very fact i havent made my decision is causing me so much panic, its uncontrollable.

[Jill F]

i just feel like, i have the make the chose, and i want to make the right one. i want to go for it because that desire to become complete is like a never dying flame but on the other hand, i'm getting burned by the same desire. every moment its chipping away at the mortal of my soul and its causing more problems than it is solutions. time isnt something i really have and it does go by super quickly if i dont think about it. if i can make my decision now, than when the time does come, i'll be ready and i;d have everything together but i'm so far on the fence, idk when that would happen. the very fact i havent made my decision is causing me so much panic, its uncontrollable.

Sweetie, just try to relax right now.  You sound a lot like me while I was anticipating my first dose of HRT.  The fact is you don't need to make any decision now other than whether to take it in the first place, and you will not know if is for you or not until after you start.  I found it calmed my mind down pleasantly from the sh*tstorm I was living in since the age of 12. 

Breathe.

[Umiko]

Sweetie, just try to relax right now.  You sound a lot like me while I was anticipating my first dose of HRT.  The fact is you don't need to make any decision now other than whether to take it in the first place, and you will not know if is for you or not until after you start.  I found it calmed my mind down pleasantly from the sh*tstorm I was living in since the age of 12. 

Breathe.

i'll try sis lol. maybe a nice hot bubble bath will calm me down a bit. my brain just keeps running. basically what i need is a super strong distraction

[LittleEmily24]

i'll try sis lol. maybe a nice hot bubble bath will calm me down a bit. my brain just keeps running. basically what i need is a super strong distraction

Pick up some exercise ~ thats a good way to kill time and focus on something else, AND be productive. Instead of focusing on SRS or transition, focus on getting "rock hard abs" or whatever it is you're interested in having. Pick up an instrument or something. I've noticed that since I've started working out and focusing more on my weight loss and muscle definition, i've stopped thinking about transition all the time (not that I dont slip up from time to time, but its still makes the time pass easier and faster). Don't linger so much on answering a question to which the answer holds no weight for at least a year from now.

Besides, if you are being resticted from starting HRT because you haven't answered that question... then whoever is treating you is in clear violation of the WPATH standards of care. Its pretty clear that having a solid decision on SRS is not required to begin hormone transition.

[Jessica Merriman]

Topic has run it's course and is drifting off course.

Topic locked.