Hi,
I is a long message and probably not interesting. I am sorry. Maybe some lack of understanding and I am sorry about that too. And I am sorry again because probably some english mistake ; it is not my native language.
I am sad, devastated and exhausted.
Your last question is like a sword in my body.
44 years of questions and when finally I become pacify, the machine go back on.
What is the problem if I stay what I am now ? with my physical ?
I am feeling destroyed.
We can all imagine. Ok. Then what ? I stay again in an uncomfortable situation. And ? I will managed, of course, what can I do ? no choice.
I understand totally your question and I really think that it is a good question.
I just tell my feelings about that.
A girl without to be a real girl feeling beyond the appearance ? ah ah...
My world fall down.
Ok, so it is done ? I stay like I am. I already tired to deal with an ambiguous situation.
Why I would like a surgery ? to feel exactly – or the closest – a woman. Yes I would to feel a vagina, to feel breasts, to feel another way in my head, my body.
I am feeling that all my life I needed to justify all the time to get something.
What it is clear for me is that I do not want to justify me again and again. I am honest, and I really do not think that it is a language problem.
The effect is like a door who brutally slammed to me.
What I also know, it is when you really want something, you find solutions. Of course, there is an easy way, and a hard way. The legal way or the illegal way. I am asking me if it is really normal that I need to ask me these questions.
I am feeling abandoned.
I do not know if you know "into the wild" movie. It is a solution. There is something like that in my feeling : like a boy, leave, and leave again, disappear, search the ultimatum, search the end. And it is maybe the completion of my life. Like a girl, live and live again.
On the past, doctor wanted to give me "Prozac" (antidepressant) and I refused. Today, I asked me that if he gave me female hormone and if (I know, a lot of if) I took, the effect would been better than a antidepressant.
One the first thing I did when I go back, It was eat... eat to make up for. And I realized that it was a long time that I did not do that.
Now, I feel dull, apathic and joyless. It is not a new feeling. The impression that now, this feeling come back stronger. I thought that I was a past habit...
I do not know what I can say more, how I can help me, how I can help you to help me.
If I understand correctly, I must resign myself. It was happiness, a challenge to be myself, or what it seems to be myself for me. And in the deeper, I have no doubt for success. The idea to stay undefined, because I think really that it is that, let myself in a total indifference, disinterest and insensibility about myself.
I have no more energy to help me and I need you help me to resolve something if you want to do that. I will follow your advices but you must go through ask questions, and I will try to answer.
You know, although you would give me the possibility to go ahead, stay a bitter taste in my mouth...
Who I am ? a very very old question from a very very long time.
I probably will to go on to think about that but I give that to the Life, to the Ho'oponopono way : I am sorry, Forgive me, I love you, Thank you.
Hannah(h)
