feeling like i failed

[ElioAyla]

hey guys...sorry to rant but i just feel like i have to vent. more and more lately i have been realizing that i've got to do something about transitioning. i wanted to be sure about what i am doing (for myself and the sake of my grandmother, whom i cannot imagine handling the news very well at all).

i went on a last ditch effort to embrace being a woman in public and it just failed miserably. i bought some goregous dresses at salvation army and decided to try that identity. i couldnt bring myself to put on a bunch of makeup but i wore the dresses everywhere except to work (i have a physical labor/wearhouse job). i felt like a ghost, but i am naturally very spacey, so it didnt phase me too much...it felt uncomfortable and awkward but at least i wasn't overheating....until....

i went to a show about an hour away where i used to hang out before i left this state and saw a lot of old friends (hadnt seen them in 5+ years) over the weekend, and like an idiot, decided to try and present as female, and wore a dress. i am starting to think it was the last time i will ever do it again. i was ok at first, but i just got progressivley more and more anxious, ->-bleeped-<-ed up a few conversations, and ended up having leave early anyway. people perceiving me as female has them treating me in a way that makes be painfully shy and unable to interact correctly.

i feel like a total fool. i really dont know how to cope with having this girl body. my new identity as voodoo gypsy priestess was helping for a while but now i feel like it was just make believe, a mask we created to try and accept this....i feel like i could dress up like this a few days a week but be a guy the rest of the time. like i could be a beautiful drag queen but i cant ->-bleeped-<-ing do this. i am starting to wonder if i was truly cursed in the womb and came out as a female when my pre-life plan had been to incarnate as a male.

(on a side note, a few of those old friends used to accidnetally refer to me with male pronouns freqeuntly, and apologized although i said "no, it's cool, i'm more of a guy anyway." now i just have no friends at all...)

[LordKAT]

I don't think you failed so much as took another step on journey of self discovery. A therapist can often help you with that journey. Have you thought about seeing one?

[ElioAyla]

i have a psychiatrist only at the moment for adhd and anxiety. I've had bad experiences with psychologists in the past so i have been weary about it, but i suppose i will have another try at seeing a therapist. i'm worried that my psychiatrist will not believe me now since i've been seeing her for a few months and never mentioned being trans or gender questioning because my grandmother was with me. Now i'm very nervous about bringing up the subject even though the practice is known for being lgbt friendly. but i know making that step would probably make me happier in the long run.

[LordKAT]

I think wanting to not bring it up until you felt safe doing so would be perfectly understandable.

[Kreuzfidel]

I agree with LordKAT.  You need to talk to a mental health professional about it.  Whether it's the one you've been seeing or someone new.

[Tysilio]

I third this. A good therapist can help you sort this out (and, BTW, lots of people go through similar stuff, and come out OK). Psychiatrists these days are pretty much about prescribing drugs; they can't do the in-depth work with patients that a psychologist or other therapist can -- nobody (except maybe the ultra-rich) sees a psychiatrist once a week or more, and they don't, anyway, have the same training.

And starting to see a therapist would be a good way to break a pattern that involves your grandmother coming with you to appointments. No decent therapist is going to agree to that.

p.s. Nothing you've described counts as "failure." Painful as it is, it's about learning who you are, which is a good thing, to put it mildly. 

[pianoforte]

i went to a show about an hour away where i used to hang out before i left this state and saw a lot of old friends (hadnt seen them in 5+ years) over the weekend, and like an idiot, decided to try and present as female, and wore a dress. i am starting to think it was the last time i will ever do it again. i was ok at first, but i just got progressivley more and more anxious, ->-bleeped-<-ed up a few conversations, and ended up having leave early anyway. people perceiving me as female has them treating me in a way that makes be painfully shy and unable to interact correctly.

i feel like a total fool. i really dont know how to cope with having this girl body.

I just want you to know that the above quoted part of your post is something I have felt. Almost EXACTLY the same. It has happened more than once, but the worst was at a friend's wedding (I wore a dress and makeup, and turned into a babbling, confused, tactless and ashamed person as soon as I got a compliment).

I haven't yet had the opportunity to talk to a professional about gender identity/transition (which is one reason why I'm here, and exploring a lot of things through the internet) & also have a grandmother in the picture who complicates things immensely.

Hang in there. Our time will come.

You are not alone. I'm right here with you