MtF Wife Having Difficulty with Friends & Family

[tehshort1]

Hey All! My MtF wife has been having some issues lately with our friends and family. She has come out to a handful of them and asked to be called Gwen. Each one was supportive and said that they would. For the past 2 months though, my wife has constantly had to remind them not to refer to her as a male and use her male name. Our friends are kind and I know that they are not doing it on purpose, but it is really hurting Gwen to have to constantly remind them. She feels like they don't care. Today she even told me that she wanted to stop taking hormones and basically "give up." It hurts because I know how happy she has been since she started transitioning. The hard part I guess is that she still has her beard and hasn't shaved it off. She's had it for over 15 years and I think she is afraid of letting go of the mask. I told her she should just go for it and take the plunge, but instead she got mad. How to I show her that it's okay to finally take the step and lose the beard? How do I get our friend and family to stop refering to her as a guy? I love her so much and it hurts to see her so upset!

[helen2010]

You can never stop people from doing anything.  You can only change your own behaviours and messages.  Be respectful, restate your requests and be there for each other.  I don't understand the beard situation either as it may well be sending a mixed message.  Perhaps worth discussing with your wife.

Aisla

[tehshort1]

Thank you Aisla. I agree on the beard sending mixed messages.

[JoanneB]

There was a person in my TG group who was totally on the fence. Could/couldn't, wanted/can't, etc.. Had a beard most of her adult life. After about a year she shaved it off, totally freaked after it. THe beard was so much of her self identity. I dare say security blanket?

I can easily see a beard as being a major part of the Hollywood facade of manhood created. Lord knows I built plenty after 50 years on this planet. It isn't easy putting a sledge hammer to them. You feel that once you let your guard down on one little thing, all the world will know your deep dark secret. All that dredges up a ton of baggage from childhood on.

Perhaps a better discussion would be centered on Why not now?

[Kara Jayde]

I identified with a beard for most of my adult life, it was my masculine mask, and worked to hide my femininity for me. It took a little while to get rid of it, but I did it in stages. Basically I started trimming it down, losing a little length every week, until it was just stubble. I was in the stubble phase for about a month before I started shaving to the skin with an electric razor, and letting it grow out for a few days before repeating it (so I could still have some facial hair most of the time).

Then I just started daily shaving. It's a process, so maybe recommend doing it the way I did?

[lalitrus]

Maybe try phrasing it less like"lose the beard" and more like "look how pretty/womanly you'll be when you can get all dolled up and do makeup" focus less on the loss of beard, more on gaining traditionally feminine looks. The same with her wanting to give up, just keep focusing on positives, and be there to support her.

[janetcgtv]

Maybe this happening to your MtF wife because:
1. i.e. your best friend you have known practically all your life changes her name to Betty from her name of Sally. It would be hard for you to call her Betty. This just has to do with name only. you also have to add gender for your MtF wife.
2. She is undecided as to what she wants to be.(her giving up being herself) If she goes out in public she will be considered a man.
3. reinforce her doing feminine things as the previous author said that she will look better without a beard when wearing makeup.

[ErinWDK]

Getting rid of a beard is a really difficult issue.  That is the mask that hides all the isuses.  I grew a beard when I first could and hid behind it for over forty years.  I thought that was a big part of my identity, and acted on that thought for years.  Kara Jayde suggests getting rid of it bit by bit.  If that works for your wife, good.  That did not work for me.

I went to a meeting with friends - wearing my beard - one Wednesday night.  The next morning I went to a Trans* Convention as Erin - without beard and en Femme.  That was a shock to the system, but it was the ONLY way I could do it.  I still get comments from people I sort of know, the last one was "Did you get new glasses?"  Well, I did, but the real difference was the beard.  People really don't notice as much as we think.  But a beard really does scream MALE.

If your wife gets rid of the beard and does not like the new look it WILL grow back.  In fact it will grow back way too fast if she does like the new look after getting past the initial shock.

HTH


Erin