Hello and help?

[Zane]

Hi everyone, I've been reading posts for a bit now and I just want to say how awesome and supportive everyone is here.

I have been with my BF (FTM) for almost 2 years now and have know of his wanting to transition a few months after we started dating. And I must say I wasn't really surprised, or worried. I was and have always been 100% supportive. After a very abrupt and accidental coming out to his parents that didn't go well at all he decided to put the whole thing off. Then we got more serious in planning our wedding and the thought of us getting married and him being my wife just wasn't right. So he started coming out to a few of our friends and that went very well. He then came out to his parents... and it went much better than either of us had expected, nowhere near how horribly it went last time (but I guess they had a small amount of heads up this time). So now he is on track to get his transitioning going and I'm so happy for him and excited that he will get to be him.

Now for the help part...
Well I have known about his transitioning for longer than a year so out of respect I have become very good at not using any pronouns when talking about him to other people. Even now with the people who he is out to I have a hard time saying "he" or "him" or "he's" or any other male pronouns not because I can't use them or don't want to, old habits just die hard. And on that note here is the real help part.

How am I supposed to tell people like co-workers about his transitioning? You know the people who aren't really friends but but they know him as her. I feel like making some big declarative statement is just wrong or demeaning or something I don't really know. I've been thinking it and the more I think the more I realize that my real problem with telling them is now everyone is going to view me differently. View me in someway that I don't view myself and I don't even know how to view myself. But I never really have either. All these labels gay, straight, and everything inbetween has alway made me uncomfortable when it came to labeling myself, but if I don't label myself then others will and I don't want that.

Now I'm just rambling mostly but any advice would be most helpful.
Thanks all.

[Sayra]

Heya, and welcome!

You know, when it comes to the people who are just acquaintances, do they need to know? When we don't make a big deal then sometimes things just aren't. (At least in my experience.)

As for the change in perception of us and labels, although you haven't labelled yourself. The world around you has already. Changing that label might not be a huge deal, but it's the perception that can be hurtful. Since it sounds like you've not been into the simple binary system anyways, maybe just keep it that way and just know you're in love with him and that's that?

For me, my life has been fixed in the binary system and the very narrow road of heterosexuality, any deviation in the suburbs out here and it gets ugly, really fast. That's where the fear kicks in.

I live in a reasonably conservative city, homosexuality is just becoming sort of accepted, gender vagaries are nowhere approachable on this horizon despite the activism here. In this city, at this time, in my stage of life, I have great fear of how I will be percieved, how my loved one may be and how our family may be percieved.

So maybe it's just a different position than yours, but I think you're safe to be who you both want to be and nevermind the "them" folk out there?

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome Zane! I want to thank you for the support you are showing your SO. I know it makes all the difference to him to have you and your support. There are a lot of compassionate and caring people here who can help you over the bumps transition causes. Just be patient and they will be along. Invite your SO to join as well. We have a great FtM group here!

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[Marcel]

Welcome to the forums! I see where you are coming from and I think you should hold back telling people since you're not completely sure on how to view yourself and everyone else's perceptions might distort your own. There's no real hurry or need to disclose him in the workplace (at least not unless he says he's ready to be fully out). As for people viewing you differently, there isn't anything you can do about that but leave the door open and hope that they will see that his gender identity doesn't really change things. Labels are counterproductive anyways.

[Zane]

Thanks for the replies and warm welcomes. 

I appreciate all the help and advice. I am mostly worried about my co-workers since I do talk about him and he does come to social events we do. And I think he's just about at the where he is ready to be 100% out to everyone. I don't think just switching what pronouns I use would go unnoticed. But maybe doing that then when someone comments on it just casually say. Not make a big deal out of it like Sayra said and it won't be.

[muffinpants]

heya! welcome to susans! I'm kinda in the same situation at the moment. My gf is out to all her friends, most of her family, most of my family, and even hr at her summer internship. However, I'm in the same boat, not too certain how to approach the situation. As for most of my coworkers, I worry how they might take it.. I have told only 2 of them so far, and those were the two that I knew would be supportive. So I guess my plan was to wait for her to go fulltime... and then idk! I guess I'll probably end up telling people individually (it's a small business) and then make a fb annoucement, or they can deduce it once my fb no longer says 'dating so and so male name' to female name. I'm not TOO concerned, honestly, because I don't want to stay at my job forever... but yeah, I get the thing of not wanting them to perceive you differently.. sucks how people do that to ya :/ I just wanna be me! Not gay/straight/male/female/trans whatever. I just wanna be looked at as human, without any preconceptions. But hey, that is our world. What can we do?? I guess if they start treating you different, tell them that it makes you uncomfortable? anyways! welcome again, and good luck to you and your bf! he's lucky to have someone awesome like yourself!!