Hi everyone, it's good to finally be here. Here is my story....
I was born 32 years ago as a boy and followed that role and appearance pretty much everyday. I knew something was up from an early age, but I didn't know what until my teenage years. I have memories of my mother telling me at the age of 4 or 5 "boys are not supposed to do that" and such, plus I always have been fascinated with women's gestures, clothing, variety of fashion accessories and so on. I wish I could ask my mom what I did that warranted her to say "boys are not supposed to do that" but I can't because she passed away at a young age of cancer, when I was 6. My father remarried and bringing up the subject was impossible with my stepmother. I stayed in my usual boy role throughout my teenage years, I was a closeted cross dresser and kept fantasizing and wishing somehow I could just download my consciousness into another body.... Things got weird when I started dating girls in mid and late teens. Yes I wanted to be with them, but I was really dying to be them, or just like them.
Mentioning any of this to anyone in my family or school was a big no-no and would have probably had bad consequences as I grew up in Eastern Europe in a real homophobic good christian far right bigoted family....
I moved to Ontario in my late teens for school and have been here ever since, which is where I met my wife whom I love dearly and owe a lot to. She was the first one ever I had disclosed this to, early on in our relationship because I figured it was serious and if there is a possibility of us spending our lives together, I didn't want to hide it from her and I didn't want to hide it inside me. She never had anything negative to say about it really, but she was never really encouraging or dismissive either. She had an it is what it is attitude for a long time. She was OK with my cross dressing desires, some of them she enjoyed. We kept living our lives, without any major difficulties but surprisingly the urge got much stronger as time went on and it got very strong in my late 20's. In fact it got so bad, I felt awkward meeting females because whenever I met a women, I was overtaken by sadness, anger and disappointment. This is pretty much where I am right now, but something changed in the past 6 months when I started seeing a therapist due to other reasons but of course this came out shortly and it started an avalanche. I basically now feel like I need to make a decision about what to do because I am afraid of what transitioning would do to my private and professional life, but I feel like I cannot go on living in a lie for another 40 years because I only get one life and I better make it a good one. So my wife and I have been talking about it and when transitioning came up, I listed my issues with it and one of them was that she didn't sign up for that.... Her response to my surprise was, I didn't sign up either for her crazy schedule and me having to commute 1.5hrs each way to and from work because of her work and putting up with her baggage and blah blah blah. I do feel like she is behind me on this, but I do not want to risk our marriage over this. I came out to my sister-in law as well and she has been very supportive, greatly encouraging it because we only live once.... I am at the point where I'm contemplating asking my step mother if she ever noticed anything odd or different about me but I think I already know her answer would be no....
I went on a crazy workout/diet routine in the past 3 months which helped me shed 30 pounds and I think I'm going to get my face lasered or electrocuted because even if nothing changes, I hate shaving and body hair in general.... Luckily I don't have much hair and have fairly feminine legs but I'm 6'2" so I'm not sure what the outcome would be like. So here I am not sure what will happen but I'm sick and tired to feeling like I'm swimming upstream all the time, something's gotta give.
On another note, I need to point out I am not a neurologist or neuroscience expert but pretty much my whole life, I've been female in my dreams while dreaming about usual stuff. I have never seen myself in full but I always know I am a woman. Plus I learned recently my mother very much wanted a girl but got me instead. Apparently she was 100% confident she was going to have a girl and planned for it, but got me instead. Can't help but wonder if that has anything to do with all of this.....
Ohh in case you wonder about my username, I called me typo here because I I have spell check turned off on my tablet because I email and text in 3 languages and spell check is very annoying so please excuse the spelling mistakes
