I wish there were more SO's actively active on here. It really sucks to be so alone. I have not handled any of this well, from last year when I was first told (then it was taken back) to this April when I discovered the truth because I found something on the computer. I have read so much about this, and there really isn't much helpful for people like me. I read She's Not the Man I Married, but in that case, the wife already knew her husband was a crossdresser, and she is sort of bit/androgynous anyway, so I'm not all that comforted by it at all.
I went to the meditation class last night. I have never tried meditation because I always sort of poo-pooed it as silly. Once I opened up to it possibly working (because I am so sick of feeling angry and anxious) I found it really empowering. I hope I can tap into that peaceful place going forward. The therapist leading the group was pretty much talking straight to me, in that he was talking about how reality is just reality, all of it is fluid and interchangeable, but humans create a binary reality because we can't handle the perceived chaos, and the thought of leaving the self-imposed binary is terrifying until we do it. I swear, he was in my mind.
I also came home and watched a few interviews with Laura Jane Grace. I really wish there were some interviews with her wife. I would love to know how she has been able to handle the changes, privately and publicly, and what she has done to keep herself ok. I know that if my spouse decides to fully transitoin (he right now says he does not know. I have to believe him), and we stay together, that means I am accepting a new identity myself. I don't know why I uncomforatable with "people" thinking I'm a lesbian. I have had lesbian friends and family members, and I don't care. I honestly have never really had to think about sexuality or gender identity at all before any of this began, and my own cousin is TG (started HRT a looooong time ago, and then changed his mind), so I guess it's because I'm straight and I'm being stubborn (?). I know all of my friends, Her friends, our friends, and family (well probably not MY family) would be accepting and probably not care at all. Maybe it's the sexual aspect. We've had more intimate moments despite my meltdowns (sorry if TMI) since this all started than really any time since we began dating almost seven years ago, and I like it. I am not sure what to do with...girls. Maybe that's it? (again...sorry TMI).
I am really, really trying to stay present, not to let my mind go into the vast, uncharted future of possibilities. This is difficult.
Maybe I'm taking advantage of the open-forum here on Susan's. I'm just glad that I have a place to share, even if I rant and sound crazy and unhinged sometimes. I wish I could just tell all my friends what's going on, to come clean and move on. But, it's not my secret to share, and I have to be patient for the time it is (if it is ever...I still have a silly hope that this is all a mistake).
Thanks for "listening".
