I think I've completely lost Him

[Katrinka]

I know it's only been a few days that I've been working at being present in the moment and not let myself worry about the things that I have no control over, but I am currently about to cry. I look at my husband and try to remind myself that he is still currently my husband (he has not started any medication, as far as I know, nor any herbal/self stuff). I'm upset because he is becoming more and more bold in becoming Her. He takes pouty-face selfies all the time, something he never really did before, he relishes in comments that he is looking thin (I think he gets a little Whee! feeling when someone tells him he looks like he's sick), his Facebook page has more and more Transgender discussion/advocacy links and posts (so it seems like he's dropping hints to the world), he is constantly online with his TG friends, calls them all sister and sis and big sis and little sis and hon (a word, btw I asked him to stop calling me if he is going to use it so loosely with others, and a request he quickly ignored), and last night he went out front of our house in only his underwear (he has always worn bikini style underwear...I guess that should have been a clue to me). I said something to him about it, as in "wow, that's pretty bold" and he scoffed at me.  I really want to believe him that HE is not lying to me and HE is not leaving me right away, but SHE is clearly losing her patience to be revealed, and with HE going on summer vacation next week, I'm fully expecting to start having a lot of the same stories other wives I meet are having: She sneaks around, has secret "meet-ups", flaunts her new-found feminism, etc. It's weird how, in a way, the desire to become female causes them to be even more male, as in disrespectful, bold, aggressive, assertive, confident and risk-taking (I read this in a book). I don't even know how to bring this up, because HE denies that SHE is all there is. She already bought more makeup. My husband is absolutely gone and I have to figure out how to accept that. Nothing of my "dream guy" exists anymore and nothing that I thought I could have in my life (aside from academics) is going to happen. He's told me not to say he looks handsome; I'm only allowed to say "cute" or "pretty" or "nice". I am not supposed to look at him and be attracted to him as a woman is attracted to a man, because it makes Her uncomfortable.

*Update: I realize this is me ranting and freaking out. I need to stop it. Meditation....

[Katrinka]

So, after I posted this i did what I should have in the first place: Ask directly. It's my mind going into anxious-mode that makes me read between lines. My spouse listened to my concerns and agreed to step back a little bit. I am not telling my spouse not to follow what he (as he is still he for now) wants to do, but that we need to take tiny, tiny, tiny steps into this.

[muffinpants]

Sounds like things are happening pretty fast- I can understand why that would be so frightening, and I'm sorry that you and she have to go through this.. it's hard for a lot of people, they go through their lives pretending they can fix it or just flat out denying the fact that they feel this way.. it's been viewed as soo unacceptable to do anything outside of gender norms, so for her to finally accept who she is is a big step. I assume she is going in so fast because she probably didn't know life could feel so right... I guess when you get to that point where it is either suicide or pursue transition, transition is the healthiest choice. I don't know your spouses past, but that is the background I hear for many trans people.

Also an assumption, you are a straight female? If so, I hate to make a judgement call that isn't necessarily right, but I really doubt the marriage will last. Transition is necessary, she will either do it and be happy, or not do it and be miserable. It's really awesome that you are reaching out and trying to understand and be supportive, so perhaps there is hope for yall yet... I think it would be really beneficial if yall saw a therapist together. If you are not into women, you can always remain besties. I'm sorry it's been so hard on you, though it's unfortunate that trans people are forced into the closet.. it would prevent a lot of heartbreak, probably.

[Umiko]

i hate to sound uncaring or assuming, so really, please forgive me if i offend anyone and if i do, i'll take full responsibility. from what i can see is that it wasnt a ease in but a full blown "out" situation. from my experience is that when that happens, it tends to cause more harm to everyone around that person. i just hope eventually you and her will come to a place were understanding and acceptance is established, but again from what i can tell, a little bit of a slow down should be in order. again, I apologize if i sounded offensive or if i crossed the line mistakenly.

[Jess42]

Well Katrinka, I really don't know how to put this but that person that you married is still the same person. Being trans made (I will use male pronouns for this) him who is is now and made the person that you fell in love with in the first place. Yes it is a hard thing to accept but if your husband wasn't trans there is a chance you may have never been attracted to him in the first place. We go through so much in life and that gives us some kind of inner strength. When we hide it that gives us self discipline. When we open up, we face ridcule and that gives us strength to overcome it, even if your husband showed any femininity. Take it in a little at a time because it will never go away but a lot of the qualities of the person you fell in love with enough to marry may be caused by that person being transgendered. I know it is hard but I am a firm believer in love who you love regardless of gender or gender variances. I wish you two luck. It's always been there its just that your husband isn't hiding it anymore.

[Sayra]

Kat, if you get a chance, my reply to Stacy earlier applies here too. Maybe this week is the week that they decide to amp it up, but looks like a few of us had surprises we've got to deal with.

Take a deep breath, sit down with a cup of something non-alcoholic and talk. This is about all I've got now. Our loved ones will talk to their therapists and their friends. We have therapists too, (some of us) and each other. I know not a lot of us are able to talk with our own friends as our loved ones have revealed themselves yet. This is a really isolating factor and if you have support groups that meet, I definitely suggest that you go on weeks where you're feeling overwhelmed.

It's those lines we choose to put down where we stop feeling comfortable. In this case, it's the line where he was your husband and now he isn't, really. Yes, this was always there in him, but he wasn't expressing it, and now that he is, where are you still ok with it all and where are you not? The speed of it all isn't always going to be this way, it isn't always going to be the fire under their bum pushing them to GET THERE. It's that how fast they get there, affects us, and how fast we get to balancing out how we feel with how fast they're going.

I'm having a week like that too. Deep breathing, think it through, talk it through, and see if you both can't find ways to make the balance right for this moment and just move on to the next.

Good luck this week!!

[JoanneB]

Too much, Too fast is a very common issue as well as probably the second biggest cause for marriages to fail after having the T-Bomb dropped. (The first being the bomb drop. Third is the host of other issues that were festering) For the TG there is this sense of relief, your big dark dirty secret is finally out there. Followed by the world not ending nor the earth opening up to swallow you. Second best is your SO did not stab you with a kitchen knife or run off screaming into the night.

OK, that biggie I can check off the To-Do list. Now let's get all these other things done.

Sounds great unless you are the SO left there stunned, confused, dealing with a head exploding with all sorts of conflicting emotions on top of the sense of betrayal, feeling lied to, and feeling like a total idiot for not seeing this coming, wondering how did you miss it.

Yep, he sure was not like other guys!

The main reason why my marriage is surviving, so far, is thanks to lots of difficult open and honest communications. Plus TMI avoidance. A difficult line to walk. This is followed by me placing my wife's happiness above my own, just as she places mine above hers. We have many shared hopes wishes and dreams yet to realized before the only thing we are left with doing is knocking each other off our rocking chairs on the front porch. That day is never going to happen without shared dreams and the desire to fulfill them together doing the sometimes hard work and making the difficult compromises to get there. All for the greater, long term good.

[helen2010]

Too much, Too fast is a very common issue.

The main reason why my marriage is surviving, so far, is thanks to lots of difficult open and honest communications. Plus TMI avoidance. A difficult line to walk. This is followed by me placing my wife's happiness above my own, just as she places mine above hers. We have many shared hopes wishes and dreams yet to realized before the only thing we are left with doing is knocking each other off our rocking chairs on the front porch. That day is never going to happen without shared dreams and the desire to fulfill them together doing the sometimes hard work and making the difficult compromises to get there. All for the greater, long term good.

Joanne

Good advice and it certainly applies to our relationship.   Total honesty, mutual respect and complete commitment to each other and to the relationship are IMO absolutely essential.

Aisla

[Katrinka]

Yes, I am straight woman.

I asked my husband how he wants me to refer to him, and he said "I'm still your husband. For now." Not exactly comforting. I'll be fine, and then a moment later, I'll feel sad. He says he doesn't know how far he will need to transition, but I know that if it is "all the way", I most likely will have to leave the relationship, which is just as selfish as she wanting me to stay in it and pretend that our marriage is just the same.

I'm trying to take it one day at at time.

[helen2010]

Yes, I am straight woman.

I asked my husband how he wants me to refer to him, and he said "I'm still your husband. For now." Not exactly comforting. I'll be fine, and then a moment later, I'll feel sad. He says he doesn't know how far he will need to transition, but I know that if it is "all the way", I most likely will have to leave the relationship, which is just as selfish as she wanting me to stay in it and pretend that our marriage is just the same.

I'm trying to take it one day at at time.

Katrinka

This is a difficult stage.  My wife wanted assurances up front and I just couldn't provide them when I still didn't really know where I was headed.  Luckily she kept the faith and as a non-binary it is now working out so I am very pleased and very fortunate that she stuck with me as I discovered my identity.

Aisla

[muffinpants]

I think that is a good way to look at it, Kat. Taking it a day at a time is best, and what comes may come. Good luck to you and your SO, I hope it works out for the best, whatever that may be.

[Katrinka]

He told me to think of this as if he were at the first mile of a marathon, having never run a race before, and he isn't sure if he wants to one mile or all 26.2. I'm hoping one....of course

[helen2010]

He told me to think of this as if he were at the first mile of a marathon, having never run a race before, and he isn't sure if he wants to one mile or all 26.2. I'm hoping one....of course

hope and belief are a good thing.  His response is honest.  It is a voyage of discovery for him, for you and for both of you together.  I hope that you both find happiness.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Emily1996]

Well yes you lost him, because now he is becoming a she, which is what he was before and now she is trying to be what makes her happy... If you are not happy you are not forced to stay with her... Like really you don't have to work it out every time, and kind be submissive I guess. You can rebel, get out of this relationship, if you believe that it's not right for you and that you deserve more.

Ok so, I wish you the best, I really wouldn't know what to do, in your case, and I'm sorry if my advice is bad but this comes from someone who's not married and still in high school so yeah XD

[helen2010]

Well yes you lost him, because now he is becoming a she, which is what he was before and now she is trying to be what makes her happy... If you are not happy you are not forced to stay with her... Like really you don't have to work it out every time, and kind be submissive I guess. You can rebel, get out of this relationship, if you believe that it's not right for you and that you deserve more.

Ok so, I wish you the best, I really wouldn't know what to do, in your case, and I'm sorry if my advice is bad but this comes from someone who's not married and still in high school so yeah XD

Katrinka

Your husband says that he has just started the race.   He doesn't know how far he intends to go.  This is fairly typical of both binary mtf and non binaries.  As one of the latter whose relationship has survived and flourished the last thing I would recommend is for either of you to jump to premature conclusions.  Take a step at a time and keep up the conversation.

Aisla

[Sayra]

Hey Kat. There's not much else we can do but trust them, live life and take those challenges each day as they come. Today might be a good day, but it might not. Either way though, remember you're not alone in situation or in perspective. For me, I'm hoping that writing that message down re-affirms how I will cope for today. Sleep went by the wayside and emotions bubble at the surface. Wishing you both a good week.