My opinion is probably going to get a lot of controversy, but anyways. I have had a few friends pass away to suicide, I don't call it lost, because all of them are in a far better place than they were, somewhere up there. Wherever it is our spirit and energies go. I also had my younger brother (also trans*) pass to suicide last Christmas, just before Christmas. Of course, it hurts to not be able to physically see or touch them anymore, and for him it hurts more because I wanted so much to help him get where he needed to be, and to set some sort of example for him. That being said, his upbringing was just as bad as mine, if not worse, especially after he came out to his foster family. For years his foster father thought that he was deserving of sexual abuse and not being fed because he had "some disease that could never be cured". Nothing was ever done to get him out, and into a family that at least wouldn't abuse him for being trans*. Going through the wrong puberty was hard enough on him, and at the time hormone blockers were illegal here without going to family court, which he did, with his child safety person, but the judge always said no, just like they did for me. I wish I could have been there more for him during his difficuties, but I was still in foster care myself until June last year, and was going through processes of assessment and that for my own medical transition. I tried, we went back to family court together twice after I left foster care, but by that time he was too broken and depressed to feel worthy of being deserving of medical treatment, and his stage of puberty was too late to start blockers by then. He spent his last 4 months here in psych wards, locked up in seclusion rooms so he couldn't commit suicide and because he was psychotic, he had schizoaffective disorder, being drugged, had no say in anything at all because he was involuntary. He spent his first week out of hospital sleeping and crying, and the day before he left he took a picture of the note he wrote and sent it to me, apologising, but saying he couldn't be here anymore. I knew that was it, final, but I already had friends leave to suicide, and given his circumstances and understanding his pain, I never considered that he left, but he just moved on to some better place, like I said, wherever that may be. I tend to look at what lead him, and those others, to feel so low and hopeless, and that's what hurts the most. I actually smile thinking about whatever freedom they have gained, call me stupid and screwed up, I am, but I just see that whatever life they have as better than the living one they had here. I won't go into my spiritual beliefs and such, but it's what lead them to that, that hurts me the most. Because I suffer from it as well, or have and can't move on because of how I'm still treated. I guess I relate because I feel the same a lot of the time, that life would be better if I just passed away and got away from what this cruel world does.
