So desperate and impatient, GRRR! - trigger warning

[ganjina]

I will start by warning you that this is kind of a ramble, so as to not waste your time if you are firmly against reading rambles. The others, well thanks for your time, input, thoughts, good vibe or simply 'listening'.

If you take into account that my first souvenirs are being 2 YO putting on makeup, dresses, feeling like a girl then being scolded for that and basically closing up to everything transition related for 20 years, the road has been already quite long. It's been year after year of dreams of being a normal, happy girl ending up in a frustrated waking up feeling, not being able to communicate with anyone about it for over 2 decades (oh yeah social programming and macho family and what not) and cyclic depressions. Thankfully everything else has been rather fine, but still, you know how much this sucks.

When I was about 16 I had this androgynous looks and was passing fine and cute for about a year. Actually passing and being a girl was the first thing I had on my mind as soon as I left highschool and parents' home at 15. I'd get hit non stop by men, which would just validate my female side over and over and over and over and over every single day I went out, and would have many female friends with which to do and share girly stuff. I was a sad, introverted, angry dude at the university, full with people 5 years older than me with whom it was hard to relate, and a happy, outgoing, social, super friendly and available girl the rest of the time. I even had a BF, but I thought (wrongly!!) that this could not last forever and Id have to "man up" and continue with my life. So it was a major breakdown.

I was about to finnish my university and paying for y studies but then this issue hit me like a brick and I just spent many years afterwards crying myself to sleep like every single weekend thinking this was all a piece of bulls*** and I was nuts and there was nothing to do about it, I didn't care about anything and stopped attending uni and work for a couple months and just lost it plain and bad. I thought I'd get a home, I'd have a business, a loving GF and I would "get past this stage" Bulls***!!!! I did all that and it just got worse and worse as you might imagine.

When I get my stuff together and finnish transition, am going to spend a big deal of time going about telling anyone who wants to listen that this is no bulls*** neither a fatality and that you have to be happy and believe in yourself.

Now fastforward to 24 YO, am about to start HRT by the end of the month, around the summer solstice, I find it kind of cute that I start HRT on such a symbolic date where the day shall be the longest day of the year with the longest sun time (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summer_solstice). I couldn't be more exited about it and am planning a trip with my GF and a bunch of friends (all fully supportive) to some nearby mountains by a lake in the middle of nowhere where you have the most splendid sunrise and sunset, to start Day one there.

The thing that makes me so frustrated now is that I am still so far to finnishing transition. I would really like to get a kind of passing figure like 8 years ago, get the FFS done and whatnot, but it's so expensive, I just paid uni and got a loan for an apt, am so young to afford all that crap at once, it feels really lonely to face all those big challenges kind of alone. There can be supportive people around but I do not want to constantly bug them with my stuff, and it's hard for them to really get it anyway. My GF has been a sweetheart but she's never been into a lesbian relationship and really likes me as am now so who knows what the future is holding for us. Will I be able to finnish transition fine? To pass? I just want to see a girl in the mirror, or to put a bikini in those Caribbean beaches of mine and feel like I have a sort of female figure. It is not asking for *that* much, is it? Yet it feels so far and expensive, I get the constant feeling of tiredness, stressing for $$ (I manage and own my own lil webmarketing business so it's all on my hands, its good yet tough because everything depends on you and only you, in case of problems you can count on you and only you, in case of doubts you can also count on you and only you, you get my point). I feel it's a big deal for someone so young to deal with man, and at some points am just like ah f**k it this is so hard and feel like crying and just forgetting about it all . Yesterday I was with a good bunch of lesbian friends (12+peeps) in a piquenique by the river and was the only guy-looking person (though I did have girlier hair and clothing than 75% of those there ), and I was feeling so natural and being in my place among them, yet so far due to this out of place body, its so damn frustrating!  I was super happy, yet so sad at the same time! DAMN IT! It's tough! Tough, tough! I just wish I could be and look like any of them but wishful thinking won't get me anywhere, I only see the hardwork ahead and really, am not the super hardworking type of person, just trying to do my best and it's just so stressing and feels so difficult at times, I really feel this is constantly taking such a big toll on me .

Anyway, sorry for the long ramble, I thought I'd put that out there and this would be the place to share with understanding human beings who have gone through similar experiences who would really get the pain of it. Thanks to you all.

[mrs izzy]

Hang in there. Transition is not a race, time is needed to make sure things get sorted out in your mind and body.

If you are in the states so many changes are happening. Many things ID wise you can change gender markers with a doctors letter. This is a big thing use older girls and boys wish was available for us. It will lesson a lot of the public inter actions.

Yes everything is $$$$$. But nothing in life anymore is cheap. Who would ever thing a bottle of water would cost money?

Plan you finances. Plan your steps. Do as many things that improve your life and the rest will come.

Walk your path with head held high, you are a wonderful human. Some want to put us down but we are truly gifted humans.
Hugs
Isabell

[ganjina]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. Am not in the USA, am in some retarded country where you need SRS to get the gender ID change, though at least you can ask the insurance to cover that (after suing them, but recent cases have shown it does work). I think right now am just missing the $$ to move forward with FFS and whatnot after HRT, so it's at least one year to plan it and make it happen. I know it's not a race but really, you kind of want to get this done sooner than later, I don't want to get done in 20 years but ASAP...

[Jennygirl]

The way you plan to start your HRT journey sounds absolutely splendid. Could not think of a better way Thank you for sharing

I wish you all the best, and I hope you are able to find happiness in taking things one at a time like I did- cherishing every moment of your journey. It may seem like it will take an insurmountable amount of patience to get where you want to go, but if you just focus on one thing at a time you can think of it as having many things to look forward to and be thankful when they do happen!

[ganjina]

Thanks... Right now I can only focus on how difficult and insurmountable it all seems and how I won't be able to keep it up or do anything at all... it's like after getting all this done, it's still nothing and all of that sucks and feels like s**t...

[LittleEmily24]

I felt exactly like you did when I first started. It all felt like some unfair continuation of something that should have began when I was in my "prime passing years" (which was when I graduated highschool, I was skinny, lanky and low on the facial or body hair, and had LONG back-length hair which i later shaved off entirely like an IDIOT lol)

It all felt so overwhelming and long and ugh... The day i started HRT i was like "YAY..... aww F***.... now what." lol, I was so caught up in starting HRT that when i did... life went on and i went on with it, waiting lol. (not saying this is what you're going through, just stating how I felt at first)

Something I've learned over the short 3 months and 3 weeks on HRT... is that life has a way of working itself out for you. I always felt like i was going to transition and it was going to mean d*ck to people and i will always just be "othername" in a dress to them, but honesty ~ I feel so established in my femininity that when people in my family misgender me or call me by my birth name... I think to myself "who the f*** are they talking to? 0_o". You might be putting a little too much stress on your entire process, which is normal because I ended up making large lists of things I "needed" to get done before the year ended, and within the first month or so, i was constantly stressing about FFS, SRS, HRT methods, Voice training, laser hair removal, body language, blah blah blah... but then i sort of just "eased" my mind... suddenly my path just layed itself out for me and the only thing i truly NEEDED to stress about .... was patience -________________- lol

Fast forward to now, I'm already doing laser on my face, I have to wait 4-8 weeks to have my name and gender marker legally changed (already filed the papers and now I just wait for a hearing date; which usually ends up being a letter saying "your name is now <etc>, please update your records."), I am full-time (despite being surrounded by a painfully uncompromising society) and now I stress about regular things like how I want to buy a million cute dresses from American Eagle but I'm unbelievably broke lol. The thing is that eventually everything becomes just routine and planning and the only thing left to do is experience and enjoy, and believe me ~ that time will come; soon you will stop worrying about your "transition mile-stones or lack-there-of" and start feeling all sorts of pain and joy and difficult moments and joyous moments that will take your breathe away and leave your mind saying "wow... this is so cool." The hard part honestly becomes just ignoring the painful moments and embracing the joyful ones... which is something i'm currently working on ~ sometimes for me, all it takes to ruin an entire week of positive experiences... is one person blatantly misgendering me; then i breakdown for 3 days before i can pick myself back up again -_- is petty and annoying and sounds ungrateful, and i'm working on it.

Also, consider that there are things that you might not need. I've noticed that FFS is usually not necessary because you would be surprised how the hormones can change your face... I've seen people transition with the most rigid, masculine faces to the most adorable, soft, cute or sexy faces that it almost feels like they switched out the person and put in a different person entirely lol. Just let the hormones do the work (which I admit is also hard to wait for and put your trust in, but you'll get there)

Before even starting HRT this was my list hehe:

- Come out to (and then a separate list of names of people who i swore were important at the time)
- Get psychologist
- Get endo
- Get letter
- Get hormones
- learn makeup
- learn voice
- learn body language
- learn mannerisms
- learn about fashion
- learn about differences in gender communication
- check levels
- get laser or electro
- get FFS
- get SRS
- Learn about manicures/pedicures
- voice training if necessary
- change gender and name
- start using female facilities
- go full time
- get new wardrobe
- etc.

You get the idea .. everytime i would look at that list, i would come close to fainting because it all seemed impossible to do... now consider that I'm only reaching 4 months.. my transition-related list has come down to 3 things:

- keep up with appointments
- go to the gym
- SHOP FOREVER!!!! BUY EVERYTHING 0____0!! (ive become a bit of a shopaholic... there's just... so many cute outfits and so little time & money T-T )

And keep in mind that I wasn't very much meticulous with anything other than stressing out and nearly fainting every time i considered everything i "had to do"... so many of these things just came as they came, and i'm not saying they were cheap or fast... but it pretty much all happened smoothly and you just have to remember to take it all in one at a time, don't overwhelm yourself and find enjoyment in every accomplishment whether its big or small. I can understand feeling like you just want to be one of the girls and how it can be hard to put yourself in that "slot"... believe me, its one of my deepest desires to feel like one of the girls... honestly i had that feeling pre-HRT when i was just dressing and going out with my girl friends.. going to the bathroom, fixing our makeup, talking about silly boys and their silly commitment issues... i am actually in transition now and I lost all that but I know i'll eventually get it back. Don't know if this helps; but i'm as lazy a person as it gets... seriously. HRT (as my mind began to quiet down) has given me this incredible amount of motivation.... that while I'm still an incredibly lazy ass person, the stuff i'm doing for my transition doesn't feel like "work" or like "a drag" to do... it feels fulfilling, comforting, inspiring. Do yourself a favor and just WAIT... it will all come to you in time, you will get everything done in time... and remember that once you've reached your destination, you'll have forgotten that the fun part was looking forward to the trip... Idk if anyone will agree with me on this but; HRT will help you tackle these things accordingly... its allowed me to actually have a bit of "damage control" on the whole situation... it allowed me to quiet my mind and shackle my depression and actually DO things without feeling overwhelmed. Don't dwell on the past because it wont change anything and will only make you miserable. When you are able to think calmly and realistically, you'll see that the only realistic thing to worry about is money and as you work towards your goal, the financial part will gather. Human motivation is an amazing thing, and you'd be surprised how much you can get done with enough drive ~ which you will undoubtedly get.

There; your long rant is now forgiven by my long response >_< which I will now apologize for ... sorry.. I cant seem to shut up sometimes.

[ganjina]

Hey thanks a lot, it's been a very nice read, I've been going through it over and over and realize I've got to change my outlook. Will be going over what you've said again and again, that's soooo helpful, thanks !