Came out to shocked spouse

[Jessi Lee 1970]

Last nite I finally came out to my spouse of 12 years. It seems to be going better than some on here. But this is far worse emotionally than I could ever have imagined. Deceit, betrayal, lies seem to be a common thread today. I have tried to make her understand that I have only come out to one other person (besides my therapist), and that person literally stumbled out of the door and my life forever.... I have tried to make her understand I have finally shown her ALL of my soul now and that I have never done that with anyone else. I hope love conquers all, but I don't know if she will be able to handle this. Please wish me the best... I really need it.

Jessi

[mrs izzy]

Jessi,

I wish you both luck in your futures. Keeping it together with a spouse is very, very hard. It has worked in the past with some.

I was one of the unlucky ones. 26 years. But i am now 8 years with my new husband. There is always happiness if you choose to go after it.

To many bo ho or the poor me and let there lives slip away.

Take what you can, move on if needed. Life is way to short to be unhappy.

Hugs
Isabell

[LizMarie]

I agree with Isabell. I came out to my spouse and she tried for about a month to get her head around it then suddenly flat out, it was no, no, no, no, no. That was two years ago. The only reason we haven't divorced yet is I am being nice and helping her get through school to update her skills before she launches back into the work force. We've settled in as house mates and we exploit the tax advantage of being married for now but we both know this is temporary and we're both going to move on. It took me a few months of grieving to get over that rejection but with the help of my therapist I did.

I am not going to hinge my future happiness on finding someone once we've divorced and I've completed the medical aspects of my transition but I certainly won't close that door either. If it happens, great, and if not, I'll have plenty to keep me busy with my real friends, who I discovered as I have gone through this process.

I wish you luck, but don't waste time and linger if she doesn't want to stay. If she wants to go, let her go. Make peace with her choice and move on with your life.

[Jessi Lee 1970]

Thank you both... I know life won't be over if she can't deal with me. But it's all hindsight for you. For me it's today, and I don't know how to get thru this. I thought I would be stronger but the emotions are just sooo intense I feel hopeless.
I love her and I am going to do what I can to keep her. I must try. I must.

[helen2010]

Jessi Lee

Wishing you the best of luck.  It is not an easy journey but there are more than a few of us who have had the good fortune and love of extraordinary spouses who have kept our marriages together.  For some it has been a compromise, for others it has brought tremendous growth and much deeper love, while for others it was the start of a slow decay and an end to their marriage.  If your love is strong, IF you are both committed to the relationship and IF your communication is honest, timely and respectful then you are in with a fighting chance.

I wish you both the very best.  My relationship is holding up even though there have been times when either of us could have given it the last rites.

Safe travels

Aisla

[AnneB]

Jessi, hon, you are about three months behind me.  March 5th, I came out to my wife of 30years.  Same exact things she said, I lied, betrayed, sinned, stole.. the same words we have all heard.  I can tell you now, that I said your same words, anything I can to keep her, to stay together, to make it work.  I truly wish you the best, but I can tell you, it will not work.  You can not live your life to direct hers, to keep her from leaving.  Your dysphoria will only get worse as you get older, it will make you bitter, angry, resentful, towards her and yourself. 

The shock value of this news to her is so overwhelming, she does not know where to turn.  Her strength all these years, has suddenly turned into the very thing she needs help against.  You have been dealing with it for years (likely) and have had time to cope, she is just finding out about with no lead-in, no soft music intro.  It isn't something that hit her, and you, between the eyes, it ran over you both from behind.

I am such a mess because April 12th, I too said I would stop, revert, detransition (I began my homones Oct 8th, '13) regress and I have been dying inside.  Typing these words, I must tell myself to follow them too, but I can not.  I have lived more of my life with my wife, than I have, without her (before we met).  I am scared silly that I will end up alone the rest of my life, as all those I hold dear will leave me. 

You have a very very long road ahead, marked by potholes, and cracks, bends and turns, no part of the way is smooth.  Your wife loves you, but she wont be with you.  I truly, truly, wish you the best.  You may be able to rebottle the genie, maybe for a few months, possibly a year even, but the trust is already broken, it can never ever be fixed (this is also what my, and every other wife has said), you can never go back to the way it was.  You will always be suspect.  My wife now changes clothes in the bathroom, will not be seen without all her clothes on because she thinks I will always secretly, want to be her.  And as for sex, "were you imagining yourself as me?", "were doing it as a lesbian??"  It has been said before, since the very first male said he is just not supposed to be male.

Dear Jessie, I weep for you, and pray that your wife's heart, softens, sees the anguish you are in, and find some sort of compromise.  But, just be steeled if it does not happen, for the road ahead, no one should have to travel.

Hugs, my sister,

Paula

[JoanneB]

Last nite I finally came out to my spouse of 12 years. It seems to be going better than some on here. But this is far worse emotionally than I could ever have imagined. Deceit, betrayal, lies seem to be a common thread today. I have tried to make her understand that I have only come out to one other person (besides my therapist), and that person literally stumbled out of the door and my life forever.... I have tried to make her understand I have finally shown her ALL of my soul now and that I have never done that with anyone else. I hope love conquers all, but I don't know if she will be able to handle this. Please wish me the best... I really need it.

Jessi

"...Deceit, betrayal, lies seem to be a common thread today..."
After a 30 year relationship with my wife, who even was aware of my GD and was around for my monthly or so CD'ing, this was exactly her response. You will soon hear "If I knew back then I would never have...."

So far after 5 years we are still surviving. Mostly due to the open honest communication taking place while guarding against TMI. Not easy in the beginning at all. Your spouse has been hit with a lot to process and is dealing with a world rocked by unkowns

My prayers are with you both

[Ravensong]

Things will work out however they are suppose to, just hang in there.

For me, it was actually my wife who pointed out to me that I might be transgender.  Even with seeing it before I did, she is still having a hard time wrapping her head around it completely 9 months later.  We are getting divorced, but our marriage wasn't doing very well for a while.  I know she still loves me, and is/will always be my best friend.  She has already started seeing someone else, who I have actually become good friends with, and who knows about me.

Moral of the story:  If your wife truly loves you, then she will be there for you in one capacity or another.  Even if you lose the marriage, you may not lose a friend, and try to remind her that you are still there for her.  That you can still be her rock, and that the rock is just as strong, if not stronger, as pink quartz, than blue granite.

Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth.  I know not everyone can have as fortunate an outcome/situation as mine, and that some have more fortunate ones than mine, so just try to stay positive and remember:  Everything happens for a reason.  We may never see what that reason is, or understand that reason, but then, "does a single thread in a tapestry understand its purpose in the pattern of the grand design"*?

*"Look Through Heaven's Eyes'", from The Prince of Egypt.

[Phyliciaraine]

Hang in there. It sounds so much like what me and my wife went through when i came out to her. Things are good now, and we experience every change together. Now times are still rough now and then but we are getting through them. If you want IM me and ill give you the web address to my wife's blog that she wrote about our journey. I'm not sure i can post in in the message. I definitely think it would help you both.

[crowcrow223]

Good luck! Hopefully everything goes well for both of You!

[Jessi Lee 1970]

Thank you everyone. Your support has meant more to me than I could have imagined. If everything falls apart at least I have all of you for virtual hugs. We seem to be in a holding pattern in my house. I think she is in the denial part of grief right now. She has been looking stuff up and the thing that worries her the most is how many relationships fall apart. She keeps asking if we will, and I let her know that my heart is hers. Which hopefully means she wants to keep things together. I smile as I can almost see some of your faces smiling a lil sadly thinking to yourselves, "We've been there Jessi..."

Love Jessi

[ChelseaAnn]

My coming out to my wife didn't go very well either. She tried to change my mind, then she almost left, tried compromise. We were back and forth considering divorce. Right now, we're still together. Give it time. I think if it weren't for my son, we wouldn't be together, but we're working things out.

[Jenna Marie]

The stages of grief thing rings true, and you need to give her time to adjust. But if it helps her, my wife stuck with me, and we're happier together now than before. I know I'm very very lucky, but I also know it CAN be done.

[ashley_thomas]

We're still together too and I'm in the middle of transition. It requires a ton of thoughtfulness from me to her and her to me. She puts me first and I her. That said, without some flexible thinking, willingness to be seen as a lesbian and fluidity in sexuality, keeping a marriage together can be very tough.

[Jessi Lee 1970]

We seem to be ok at the moment... its only been since the 8th of this month when I told her. She still varies between shock and understanding, so going slow seems to be best right now. Its difficult for me as I have released a secret I've held for 44 years and it felt like the gunshot at the beginning of a horserace. I have to constantly remind myself this is soooo new for her.

[helen2010]

We seem to be ok at the moment... its only been since the 8th of this month when I told her. She still varies between shock and understanding, so going slow seems to be best right now. Its difficult for me as I have released a secret I've held for 44 years and it felt like the gunshot at the beginning of a horserace. I have to constantly remind myself this is soooo new for her.

Jessi

I am so pleased that the situation has stabilised.  You will not regret taking your time and seeking mutual understanding and authenticity.  Preserving and enhancing your relationship is a real possibility.  I wish you both all of the very best.

Aisla

[ashley_thomas]

It is a real possibility but the pace will be very slow, at least it seems that way for those I've seen/read about who made it and that's the case for me too.

[katiej]

Taking it slow does make sense.  It's taken me 36 years to come to acceptance, so I can't really expect my wife to jump on board in a matter of days.

[Jenna Marie]

Ashley : I agree completely that the pace should be decided by compromise with a spouse if we expect them to stay, and they can't usually control how much/how fast they're comfortable with.

That said, I was fully transitioned within 11 months of coming out to my wife. She says that while it was hell while it lasted, in retrospect, it also got us to the "happily ever after" part much faster. So, again, don't expect too much and be patient and understanding... but once in a while someone IS able to transition quickly with a cooperative spouse. (Of course, looking back on it and realizing how close I came to losing her by going that fast scares me sick.)

[LizMarie]

The only thing I can recommend (and I failed to keep my marriage together so take this with a grain of salt) is to respect your spouse's choices. If they want space, give it. If they want to be apart in some way for a while, respect that. If they want held, do that. If they want to talk, then talk, even if you find it uncomfortable.

I often wonder if my spouse, left to herself, would have made the choice she did. I know that my sons and her parents both pressured her very severely to just leave me immediately and to never have anything to do with me again.

But for me, what's done is done. I wish you all better luck where I failed.