need solid advice

[stephaniec]

OK , here's the situation. I'm basically full time , but there are three places that when I go I wear clothes that are female , but not blatantly just skinny and a blouse . while going to these places I wear a light female jacket that looks not particularly female except it's tight fitting and exposes my boobs. The jacket covers the blouse so you can't totally tell it's female unless I leave the front unzipped . I don't wear makeup when going to these places. The problem is that  the people that work and hang out in these place have known me for ten years as male. I haven't been able to develop the courage to put the final nail in the coffin and wear a dress and sit in these places. These people that I know aren't aware I'm transgender except one that I told. I'm totally committed  to be me and there is absolutely no way I'm going back. I just need to get it done, but it's such a final mountain to climb. In one of the places there's a waitress that I'm friends with that I'm pretty sure would accept me totally , but there's a bus boy that I'm friends with that I'm totally unsure how he'll react to me going for breakfast full throttle . My avatar is me in a bar at a theater I go to so I'm totally comfortable being me outside it's just these three places  that I haven't worn a dress yet. I'd appreciate any comments to get some objective points of view. Once its done it's done , but it's a mega mountain to climb.

[LordKAT]

Why not start with just a very female ensemble that is not a dress or skirt first? They should get the idea. A dress or skirt after that will not as likely feel so uncomfortable.

[stephaniec]

Why not start with just a very female ensemble that is not a dress or skirt first? They should get the idea. A dress or skirt after that will not as likely feel so uncomfortable.

good idea

[ErinWDK]

There are only three places I go dressed female.  So my answer may not be all that good.  So, a question instead:

Is there something you fear about going as you to those three places?  You seem to be on the route to "transition in place."  The downside of transitioning in place is dealing with people who have known you before the transition.  I went to a trans* conference and there was a workshop on transitioning in place.  This was a LOT more complicated than my first thought.  I am touching base with my closest friends and I do not find a load of support for transition, so this will be a rather lonely route.  I see why so many choose to go "stealth."  Kudos to you for persevering so far.  The choice to go this last (HUGE) step may well come down to a cost/benefit decision.

The benefit is that you fully become you.

The cost is what the select group of people will think, and how much that matters to you.

I hopes this helps - at least a little.

LordKAT beat me to posting, his idea is good too.


Erin

[stephaniec]

There are only three places I go dressed female.  So my answer may not be all that good.  So, a question instead:

Is there something you fear about going as you to those three places?  You seem to be on the route to "transition in place."  The downside of transitioning in place is dealing with people who have known you before the transition.  I went to a trans* conference and there was a workshop on transitioning in place.  This was a LOT more complicated than my first thought.  I am touching base with my closest friends and I do not find a load of support for transition, so this will be a rather lonely route.  I see why so many choose to go "stealth."  Kudos to you for persevering so far.  The choice to go this last (HUGE) step may well come down to a cost/benefit decision.

The benefit is that you fully become you.

The cost is what the select group of people will think, and how much that matters to you.

I hopes this helps - at least a little.

LordKAT beat me to posting, his idea is good too.


Erin

definitely cost/ benefit . The people I know are basically just people I've know for a long time , but don't spend time together outside their work environment . It would be just dealing with how they react to me every day. They can't be negative towards me because it's their job ,but they could choose to ignore me. The benefit would be freedom to be me and work on my internet things more as I want to. Plus the wifi in this particular coffee place is so much better then the other places I freely go to .

[Dee]

Sometimes, people need more than a hint to get the point across.  My own example- I've visited the same bank every week for the past 4 years, and there are two main tellers that always recognize me, and carry small talk with.  When I started presenting full time, one of them picked up on it immediately.  The other, though, would see me from a distance and call me over as "ma'am," only to immediately apologize, and switch back to male pronouns.  I was caught off guard (as I'm sure you are, in your situation), and didn't correct him at first.  I finally told him, and it hasn't been an issue since.

It doesn't have to be a big deal- they're people you've made casual rapport with, and probably see fairly regularly, but it doesn't have to be a big coming out.  Just give them a casual "oh, it's actually 'she'," and they should get the idea.  I think they're just used to how you presented over the years, and especially if their behavior hasn't changed negatively towards you to this point, just that nonchalant pronoun correction could be enough.

You look fem in your profile pic.  I don't imagine the switch will be very hard for them once they've put the pieces together 🙂

[stephaniec]

Sometimes, people need more than a hint to get the point across.  My own example- I've visited the same bank every week for the past 4 years, and there are two main tellers that always recognize me, and carry small talk with.  When I started presenting full time, one of them picked up on it immediately.  The other, though, would see me from a distance and call me over as "ma'am," only to immediately apologize, and switch back to male pronouns.  I was caught off guard (as I'm sure you are, in your situation), and didn't correct him at first.  I finally told him, and it hasn't been an issue since.

It doesn't have to be a big deal- they're people you've made casual rapport with, and probably see fairly regularly, but it doesn't have to be a big coming out.  Just give them a casual "oh, it's actually 'she'," and they should get the idea.  I think they're just used to how you presented over the years, and especially if their behavior hasn't changed negatively towards you to this point, just that nonchalant pronoun correction could be enough.

You look fem in your profile pic.  I don't imagine the switch will be very hard for them once they've put the pieces together

thanks for the advice sounds good . I know these people quite well even though it in a business setting . It would probably be ok with them once I did it .but its a challenge and thanks for the fem observartion it truly is hard to see yourself

[Dee]

It is, and can become very exhausting having to come out to every.single.person.  You're a sweetheart in the messageboards, and I'm sure it translates in life.  I'm sure you won't need it, but good luck- however you end up doing it!

[stephaniec]

It is, and can become very exhausting having to come out to every.single.person.  You're a sweetheart in the messageboards, and I'm sure it translates in life.  I'm sure you won't need it, but good luck- however you end up doing it!

thank you so much . I'll do it one way or another. I've got a therapy appt. tomorrow so I'll mention it to her.

[Foxglove]

Stephanie, you might think about approaching the management and perhaps a few of the other users of the place and telling them in advance that you're planning to start presenting as female.  This might make things easier for you rather than just changing your appearance and springing a surprise on them.

This is the approach I took when I came out.  I live in a very small town where I'm pretty well-known, and I knew well that once I was out, I was out.  There wouldn't be any hiding from anybody.

I didn't think it would be a good idea to suddenly change my appearance and spring a surprise on everybody.  I thought they might flip at that.  I really had no idea how they would react, and if their reactions were negative, then, as I say, there I was out in the open with no place to hide.

So I went around to a dozen or so people that I knew best and who knew me best and announced my intention.  I didn't tell them "I'm a woman" or even "I'm a transgender woman", since that would leave everybody baffled.  Instead, I simply said, "I'm transgender and I'm going to start presenting as female."  That was something they could understand, and to my amazement every last person I approached responded favorably.

So if, like me, you're feeling a bit unsure of yourself or you want to test the water before you jump in, you might try this strategy.  You're giving people a chance to prepare in advance.  That might make it easier on them and hence on you.  At any rate, it worked for me.  Good luck!

[stephaniec]

Stephanie, you might think about approaching the management and perhaps a few of the other users of the place and telling them in advance that you're planning to start presenting as female.  This might make things easier for you rather than just changing your appearance and springing a surprise on them.

This is the approach I took when I came out.  I live in a very small town where I'm pretty well-known, and I knew well that once I was out, I was out.  There wouldn't be any hiding from anybody.

I didn't think it would be a good idea to suddenly change my appearance and spring a surprise on everybody.  I thought they might flip at that.  I really had no idea how they would react, and if their reactions were negative, then, as I say, there I was out in the open with no place to hide.

So I went around to a dozen or so people that I knew best and who knew me best and announced my intention.  I didn't tell them "I'm a woman" or even "I'm a transgender woman", since that would leave everybody baffled.  Instead, I simply said, "I'm transgender and I'm going to start presenting as female."  That was something they could understand, and to my amazement every last person I approached responded favorably.

So if, like me, you're feeling a bit unsure of yourself or you want to test the water before you jump in, you might try this strategy.  You're giving people a chance to prepare in advance.  That might make it easier on them and hence on you.  At any rate, it worked for me.  Good luck!

sounds like a very good strategy , I could tell the one employee that knows I lean that way that I'm going to try an experiment and be my self.

[stephaniec]

thanks every one for the perfect advice it helped a lot

[stephaniec]

so I got up this morning got dressed and ready for my therapy appointment and decided probably the best thing to do is get it over with as soon as possible and go to Starbucks  and quietly find a spot and work on the laptop. I might as well because there is no going back for me. Now, just to do it. PS I just love my new dress

[JLT1]

Jumping in is an option as well....

Good luck girl. 

Hugs,

Jen

[stephaniec]

Jumping in is an option as well....

Good luck girl. 

Hugs,

Jen

It's a little scary though because it will definitely be a different view of me , but I need to it.