I made a list, some time ago, about everything I hate about myself, and things I wanted to change. Sort of like a new years resolution, but it was nowhere near new years. And I decided that, instead of just having the list and constantly feeling very guilty about it, and wallowing in self-loathing, that I would actually work toward crossing things off. Some of them are phsyical changes, some of them are mental changes. I have anxiety, am sort of a perfectionist- Usually, I'm so afraid to try, because if I do my best, what if it's not good enough and still turns out ->-bleeped-<-ty? I think mostly, I'm afraid of being average, or WORSE, less than average. I want to be
extraordinary.
My list, as it stands::
1) Transgender; Become a man.
2) Loose Weight.
3) Fix my Teeth.
4) Fix my rosacea.
5) Get my lip pierced.
6) Re-Learn French.
7) Get something I've written filmed to completion.
My progress, as it stands::
1) I have spoken to my doctor and she's referred me to a gender therapist. Apparently this takes a while? I've always dressed as male, but I have something that sort-of works as a binder and I've tried speaking in a lower register. My partner still struggles with male pronouns, but my college knows me as male, so everything is started on that front.
2) I have lost some weight! The scales are useless, because water retention and bloating and wibbly wobbly weight during period, but I have definately lost weight because my jeans keep falling down and you can psyically see the skin on my stomach sag. I am going to have some issues with extra/loose skin, so I'm fairly certain that a skin removal surgery is going to be in my future >.< TMI- I get some infection from it, but I've started smearing it with penatin cream (used for diaper rash, usually) and that seems to help a lot.
3) I haven't seen a dentist about this yet, mainly because I'm trying to save money for college and I know it's going to cost a good chunk of money to do this (I went about 4 years, being so poor I couldn't even afford a toothbrush or toothpaste, so my teeth are sort of messed up).
4) Spoke to the doctor about this a few months ago, actually (when I first wrote the list) and she gave me a perscription for a cream. It doesn't work very well, I think I need something stronger. I'll talk to her again, next time I have an appointment (I need to get shots for school, so probably when I go do that).
5) I did this today, actually
It hurt worse than getting a needle, but less than getting an IV. It's a bit swollen, but it didn't bleed very much. I'm allergic to metal (silver, copper, aluminum, nickle), so she pierced it with hypoallergenic titanium. It's actually on the left side, this is mirror image:
6) I'm still trying to find out if anybody in town even teaches French. I may ask at my college if they have any extra-curricular language classes.
7) I wrote a 7-episode mini-series that a friend in the industry is workshopping with me, and I'd love to get that done. In the meanwhile, I have Dust, so it soooort of works.
