Sisters I need advice I did a bad!!

[JayneS]

I feel like screaming and hiding away!
OK so I have been full time for almost two weeks, and everything as gone fantastic, until Tuesday lunchtime. We all went to a restaurant for one of the girls birthday's, nice place. anyway as I sat chatting this guy Ian came over, he works in the same office however, in a different department, he said hi, and I answered. Later I went outside for a cigarette and he followed me, he said, so what is it like being a girl? I said so totally fantastic, I can hardly describe just how good! Then bang, he asked me out! I have never been hit on that blatantly. I sort of blushed and looked at him for a while. So you know me? All about me? He said yes, and he put his hand on mine, by this point I was getting a little freaked. I said OK why me? He said well, you look incredible, sexy and I really would like to get to know you a lot better. Dysphoria train wreck, my whole being concentrated south WHY!!!!!!! I burst into tears and ran to the ladies, Anna asked if I was OK, I just sat on the loo sobbing. I asked Anna once I had calmed down a bit to ask Ian to meet me outside again. I did my best to tell him gently, I am not ready, I am far too involved in finding me, experiencing the true me! I know this is going to sound selfish but... now I have me; I want to spend some time with me, just me. Now don't get me wrong, Ian is sweet, cute and very good looking, any other time, OMG I would have jumped at the chance, Just not now. I feel that I have hurt him badly, that must have taken a lot of courage to ask me out. He hasn't spoken to me since and appears to ignore me, like I don't exist, it is tearing me apart. Should I say yes? But WHY me, does he want me as I am, a woman, does he see me as a boy? Or worse a curiosity? I hate hurting anyone!!!! But I am not ready. I am so confused, I look, sound move act and walk like any other girl, but God have I got a lot to learn.  Have I gone full time too early? I don't have my teenage years' experience as a girl to know how to deal with guys in this way. Yes I have had many BF's in the past, but not as me. OMG please tell me what to do, I am cracking up; I know he hates me, Oh ->-bleeped-<-.


Sorry I need help!

Love Jayne xxxxx

[luna nyan]

Jayne, don't feel so bad - I think you've done the right thing by yourself and for the gentleman in question.

You said it yourself, you're still finding your feet so to speak, and it would be unfair to you, as well as any potential partner.  Your hurt is showing in your post, obviously he is disappointed, and for guys who take a fancy and are turned down, they can often withdraw from that person till they get over it.

[Ginny]

Hey sis  ,
First if all no, you did not do anything bad or wrong. However, some guys can take a direct rejection as a personal insult to their ego.  Where you interested in possibly dating him in the future? If so, did you mention this when you spoke with him the second time? That is the only thing I saw omited I may have done for after finding myself. For me its taken four months to find myself and now that i've had a month to myself i would now consider myself ready to share myself with another. Hang in there though, sometimes it may feel like something is happening due to our own mind making snap decisions about the circumstance. When in fact it could be happening for reasons completely unbeknownst to us.
I would say wait a few weeks and then directly or indirectly find out what is going on. Until then I would ask that you stop eorrying and get back to finding you.

Happy wishes,
~Jen

[stephaniec]

just take your time. he's not going anywhere and you can still talk to him.

[JayneS]

Thank you Girls for the replies, Jennifer OMG yes, yes, yes I would love to date him in the future. Walking down the street with him; dreamy. Maybe I was a bit to direct with Ian? I sort of see that now, and, well, yes I had forgot the whole ego thing. so... give him time to cool off, and then talk to him again, I am a Vampire Goth, Ian isn't more of a biker really so I guess we would gel together? I think the whole reason I feel so bad is that he is treating me as though I don't exist, no guy has ever done that before and it really hurts! Luna, I know I cant until I know me. He is hot though!!! Stephanie, you are a rock of sense as always babe!!!


Love and hugs

Jayne xxxxx

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Why not you? I hope you can sort it out, seems like he's very much your type. 

[Emjay]

I don't think taking some time to enjoy just being "you", or finding yourself, sounds selfish at all.  Honestly I think it sounds like a really good idea. 

Take your time girl, if you're not ready then you're just not.  You need to be comfortable and happy with yourself before you can even think about making someone else happy right?

I wouldn't worry too much about hurting his ego or whatever, he might well have been as shocked and embarrassed as you were!  If he's worth having then he'll come to understand and be willing to wait for you and just be a friend until then. 

Hang in there, it'll work out.   

[Jess42]

Why you? He told you. You look incredible, sexy and he was wanting to get to know you. For whatever reason we are attracted to someone is all in our psyche. Curiosity? I doubt it because he approached you so boldly so he probably has been around the block a couple of times since his self confidence seems so strong. Does he have Bi tendencies? It is totally possible but there isn't anything wrong with that. Here is the kicker, there are guys out there that like us for us, the whole package regardless of what genetals we have. A ->-bleeped-<-? My ideals of a ->-bleeped-<- is pretty much the same a hetero or gay cismale dog. In other words hit it and gone and as some type of trophy count or conquest. I have been told by some guys that like transwomen it is because we fully embrace femininity when so many cis women are trying to squelch their femininity to be more equal to their male counterparts. Personally I think it is a psychological deal in that their masculinity needs that strong air of femininity that a lot of cis women don't seem to have anymore. Anyway I won't go into all of that because it is just from my experiences.

Dysphoria sux. You are full time, you pass. This guy told you that you are beautiful. Yeah it was probably a hit to his ego no matter how gently you let him down. Men do get their feelings hurt too but they just don't show it. I kind of feel sorry for him, but definately you too because the dysphoria you encountered that brought you down. If anything that whole situation should have brought you way up. I personally would have felt 10 ft tall and bulletproof. Especially since you said he is cute.

But, BUT (big but) it is totally up to you. If you need time to find yourself and be alone that is fine. You can also find yourself and still have a social life too. Don't let dysphoria keep you down. He probably isn't talking to you and or avoiding you because he feels he probably made a bold move and got shot down. I bet if you talk to him, he will talk to you too.

BTW, finding yourself? If you ever find out how please let me know 'cause after forty some odd years I still ain't found myself yet. So don't let that discourage you from a social life. Sometimes we can even find ourselves in other people. But then again you have to do what is right for you and only you know the answer to that. 

[Athena]

Tell him the truth. Tell him that if you were ready to date anyone you would have said yes. That you want to be friends and that when you are able to be with someone that you hope it can be with him. Explain that you were caught off guard and freaked out, which is why you need to take it slow.

If he is truly interested in you for you then that is special but you need to be true to yourself first. Forcing yourself into a relationship that you aren't ready for isn't fair to either of you.
I would also see about talking to him soon talk to him and apologize (even though you really don't have anything to apologize for but it helps smooth hurt ego's). Put the fire out before the bridge is fully burnt.

[Blue Rabbit]

xD Why you? Well honestly you sound so cute! OMG! Like why not you?

Seriously ya making a massive deal out of nothing, it's fine. All the stuff that you're going through makes it seem much more important than it is.
Nothing needs to be done in my opinion just move on, it happened now wait until the next little embarrassing moment in your life.

You feel embarrassed slightly right? You feel worried you might of hurt him and all that.

Think about it logically from his point of view, it's highly likely he feels the same way. What would you do if you asked some one out and they burst into tears? You'd feel embarrassed and worry about them, worry you done something wrong. He feels exactly the same as you most likely.

But ultimately you'd just continue with life cause it ain't a big deal what so ever.

Tell him the truth. Tell him that if you were ready to date anyone you would have said yes. That you want to be friends and that when you are able to be with someone that you hope it can be with him. Explain that you were caught off guard and freaked out, which is why you need to take it slow.

If he is truly interested in you for you then that is special but you need to be true to yourself first. Forcing yourself into a relationship that you aren't ready for isn't fair to either of you.
I would also see about talking to him soon talk to him and apologize (even though you really don't have anything to apologize for but it helps smooth hurt ego's). Put the fire out before the bridge is fully burnt.

Okay what the hell, stole my name? xD

But I'm sorry I would highly suggest you don't confront him about this, there is no need to make a massive deal out of it with him. If ya gonna mention it again make a joke about it show him he's not done anything wrong. If you make a massive deal out of it and keep brining it up and talking deep about it, it'll make him feel worse too and make the issue bigger. All thats going through his mind is "->-bleeped-<- I made her cry" (Most likely, can't think of anything else he would think) Move on focus on talking to him more if you like him and want him to know he's done nothing wrong. Just don't make him feel like he's on trial for committing a crime.

[Jessica Merriman]

Baby you didn't do bad at all, you did what you needed to. There is nothing wrong with making sure you are in a good place before dating. If you are still on talking terms with him just explain your reaction. If he is not happy with you taking time for yourself then he is not the right guy for you. A good prospect would respect what you tell them and give you space while staying connected with you. You have not one thing to feel bad about, period! 

[Auroramarianna]

I agree with the opinions above, don't make it a big deal. Why you? Oh he said himself: you are beautiful and interesting and he wants to get to know you, what better reason do you need? It is not like you are going to tie the knot or anything, you will just go on a date. It is fine if you are not ready for a commitment right now,  but a little experimentation won't hurt anyone. You are just getting to know him and seeing if there is any compatibility between you.

If you want to get to know him, you are the one who will have to go talk to him because you turned him down. He will talk back to you for sure since he seems so into you. If you don't he is gonna wonder what he did wrong.

You have nothing to lose,  you sure are as deserving and loveable as anyone else so don't turn guys down simply because you play yourself down. The best makeup you can ever wear is confidence. He is attracted to you, and that doesn't make him a ->-bleeped-<- by any means.

If you want to move on, that is ok too, but since you have expressed that he allures you too, I guess it has more due to with insecurity.

You go girl!!!

[LittleEmily24]

for some reason reading this kinda got my heart pumping and fluttering 0_0, I mean i'm a lesbian and married but the idea of a guy actually showing interest (and not drunken bar interest) is like a fantasy lol I literally imagined the whole scenario in my head with you and this boy and i was all light headed lol... but anyway, i think you should just be honest with him.. it seems like he'd be understanding, and its clear that he knows the deal and he's still interested... thats a rare quality and one to be admired ~ I personally would pick myself up and give it a shot, just be confident and be honest I don't think there is really a need to ask "why you", its clear that he's attracted to you as a woman, despite knowing that you weren't always "physically" female; thats just so awesome <3 Theres no harm in getting to know eachother ^_^ if he is (what seems to be) understanding about your "situation" then he shouldn't have much of a difficult time understanding that this is still a big new world and you're still trying to get a grip lol, or how it kinda took you by surprise (which by what you said it looks like being hit on and asked out totally blind-sided you lol, if just reading your post made me all light headed and woozy, i can't imagine how you must have felt in that moment, it must have been a crazy rush of emotions)

Don't worry, you're good just make sure you try and clear up the situation with him for all you know, maybe he's embarrassed or thinks he did something wrong, and you could be freaking out for nothing lol, don't forget that cis-people feel embarrassment and insecurity too xD maybe he's feeling just like you right now (of course, with the exception of feeling like you need more time), maybe he's like "damn, i messed up, i said something that upset her and now she hates me" <3 All in all, i'd just like to say congrats on the whole thing happening to begin with lol ~ if I ever had a similar encounter i'd be up on a mountain (emotionally) lol.

[Auroramarianna]

for some reason reading this kinda got my heart pumping and fluttering 0_0, I mean i'm a lesbian and married but the idea of a guy actually showing interest (and not drunken bar interest) is like a fantasy lol I literally imagined the whole scenario in my head with you and this boy and i was all light headed lol... but anyway, i think you should just be honest with him.. it seems like he'd be understanding, and its clear that he knows the deal and he's still interested... thats a rare quality and one to be admired ~ I personally would pick myself up and give it a shot, just be confident and be honest I don't think there is really a need to ask "why you", its clear that he's attracted to you as a woman, despite knowing that you weren't always "physically" female; thats just so awesome <3 Theres no harm in getting to know eachother ^_^ if he is (what seems to be) understanding about your "situation" then he shouldn't have much of a difficult time understanding that this is still a big new world and you're still trying to get a grip lol, or how it kinda took you by surprise (which by what you said it looks like being hit on and asked out totally blind-sided you lol, if just reading your post made me all light headed and woozy, i can't imagine how you must have felt in that moment, it must have been a crazy rush of emotions)

Don't worry, you're good just make sure you try and clear up the situation with him for all you know, maybe he's embarrassed or thinks he did something wrong, and you could be freaking out for nothing lol, don't forget that cis-people feel embarrassment and insecurity too xD maybe he's feeling just like you right now (of course, with the exception of feeling like you need more time), maybe he's like "damn, i messed up, i said something that upset her and now she hates me" <3 All in all, i'd just like to say congrats on the whole thing happening to begin with lol ~ if I ever had a similar encounter i'd be up on a mountain (emotionally) lol.

OMG THIS THIS I SO DOUBLE WHAT YOU SAID

[Miharu Barbie]

Hi Jayne,

You are so sweet!

This is not about him.  There will be others; your wonderful adventure is just beginning.  Always, always trust your intuition; it is there to guide you and it will never steer you wrong.  If you are not feeling good about going on dates right now, then you have to trust that.  You don't owe anyone an explanation; trust what your heart is telling you!

I am a big time supporter of "Thank you" notes.  I like to write cute, short, sweet little thank you notes to whomever for whatever.  It might be sweet and endearing to offer your suiter a nice little thank you note.  You don't have to give a huge explanation (you don't owe anyone an explanation for wanting to take time for you right now; transition is HUGE and time to settle into the changes is essential.)  You could, if it feels right, offer a sweet little note that says thank you, I really appreciate you, I hope we can revisit the offer when I'm ready to date, etc.  And maybe include a little chocolate heart or something.  He'll get the message; it'll soothe his ego; and you won't have to worry that a bridge has been burned.  Easy peasy.

Life is a spectacular adventure!  Thrill in every minute of it.

You go girl!

[Auroramarianna]

Agreed with Miharu. Always do what feels right and at your time pace.

[JayneS]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for the replies and the advice. Didn't sleep at all last night, just curled up in bed crying all night, feel a complete wreck and looked like one when I got up!! But... I thought this morning OK, as you all said I did nothing wrong, so did my hair, nails and makeup, put on my Hades heels and strutted into the office. I got in an hour earlier felt better. I left a post-it note on Ian's desk saying sorry. I also left a small black rose!! He IM'd me about an hour ago, he said sorry also, he thought that he had really offended me and that he felt bad that is why he didn't speak to me!!! . so I asked if we could have a coffee, and that I needed to talk to him. He thought I didn't like him!! So I said completely the opposite  , so I explained that although I really do think that he is cute and I really do like him, I am not quite ready for anything heavy. So he said that's OK, take all the time that you want but we can still be friends, and I would like to take you out anyway!!!! .I apologised for looking a mess he said babe you look gorgeous!!!! He appears so genuine, so.... we are going out for a meal tonight, and then a club!! He is picking me up at eight. I can't stop grinning  He has promised to behave himself; I think I can trust him. He smiled at me and his green eyes lit up, OMG I just melted inside and my knees went all weak!!Now I can't concentrate on anything, all I can think of his him!! Now what do I wear???

Love to all
Jayne xxxxxxx

[FrancisAnn]

So much drama in life. Guess that's what makes it fun.

[Eva Marie]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for the replies and the advice. Didn't sleep at all last night, just curled up in bed crying all night, feel a complete wreck and looked like one when I got up!! But... I thought this morning OK, as you all said I did nothing wrong, so did my hair, nails and makeup, put on my Hades heels and strutted into the office. I got in an hour earlier felt better. I left a post-it note on Ian's desk saying sorry. I also left a small black rose!! He IM'd me about an hour ago, he said sorry also, he thought that he had really offended me and that he felt bad that is why he didn't speak to me!!! . so I asked if we could have a coffee, and that I needed to talk to him. He thought I didn't like him!! So I said completely the opposite  , so I explained that although I really do think that he is cute and I really do like him, I am not quite ready for anything heavy. So he said that's OK, take all the time that you want but we can still be friends, and I would like to take you out anyway!!!! .I apologised for looking a mess he said babe you look gorgeous!!!! He appears so genuine, so.... we are going out for a meal tonight, and then a club!! He is picking me up at eight. I can't stop grinning  He has promised to behave himself; I think I can trust him. He smiled at me and his green eyes lit up, OMG I just melted inside and my knees went all weak!!Now I can't concentrate on anything, all I can think of his him!! Now what do I wear???

Love to all
Jayne xxxxxxx

I'm glad that things worked out for you. I recently turned a guy down for the same basic reason you did (I'm not in a place mentally to be in any kind of relationship right now). It sounds like for you something is definitely happening here and like they say relationships happen when you are not looking for them  Have fun!

[Athena]

That's wonderful news. I am so glad it worked out that well for you. Who knows maybe your friendship will help you find the real you, one never knows .