Confused about the differences:

[burnlikefire]

Hello!


Hi! My name is Sage and I'm starting HRT on Friday.
It's been a long, winding journey wherein I sort of threw myself out of the closet all at once.
Looking back, though, I think I've been aware of my identity issues for a long time. But, due to the rampant transphobia in our world and an inability to really articulate my thoughts, it took a long time to really admit it to myself.
I'm 24, and while *I* feel like that's late to be going on this journey, I know that it's young in the grand scheme of things.

I think some queers pull themselves inward, hiding away from the world or tailoring it to their lives and keeping things very simple. Others seek to build a mountain tall enough to overshadow what feels like an endless valley of sorrow. I belong to the latter category.

Because of this, I have been *very* active in nightlife, music, photography, style, fashion, travel, romance, sex, etc...
Coming to terms with my trans* status felt, at first, like it would mean giving up all of the things I loved.
Slowly, I've been replacing my delusions with realistic goals that a transwoman can potentially accomplish and have sought out inner peace to be okay with very little. In truth, I now find myself at a place in which I need very little to be satisfied. My defense mechanism, while closeted, was to keep my world spinning faster and faster so that I had to spin along with it, never slowing down enough to be fully introspective. I kept my reflection blurred.

I say all of that to really highlight how different our stories can be, how vastly eclectic the trans* community is, and how much our mindsets can vary. While some of us are drawn to pink flowers, others are drawn to the occult. Likewise, I see many transwomen that have accepted themselves and have created a lifestyle and a sense of fashion that works for them. They may have transitioned later on or something, but they're doing their thing as proud transwomen.

I applaud those women and they have truly paved the way for someone like me to come to terms with who I am.
With that said, I would be lying if I said I could ever be truly happy as someone who could be seen as a transwoman at all times.
I don't need to be America's Next Top Model, but I want to wake up in the morning and feel... pretty. And while I understand that much of that comes from a place within, a place of self-acceptance, I (as mentioned above) went *too* outside of myself to eradicate the tastes and senses that I now have.

I need to fall within a particular range of feminine to feel at ease.



Anyway, I truly hope that no one is offended by this question, but I simply don't understand the difference between the transwomen that are stunning and those that may, likely, never pass on the street. How is it that one such as Carmen Carerra (who started HRT at 26 or 27) can look as naturally feminine as she does while others who may have even began their transition earlier may never pass? Again, I don't need to look like Carmen Carrera but I'm simply confused.

Is the difference money? Plastic surgeries? Genetics? Makeup? Style?
What are the definitive differences between transwomen that "pass" so well and those that stick out from the crowd?
I can't seem to place my finger on it.



thanks,
Sage

[Ms Grace]

Hi Sage

Welcome to Susan's. I'd suggest you can't put your finger on it because it is different for everyone. Passing is as much a state of mind and attitude as it is a physical reality.

[JLT1]

Is the difference money? Plastic surgeries? Genetics? Makeup? Style?
What are the definitive differences between transwomen that "pass" so well and those that stick out from the crowd?
I can't seem to place my finger on it.

Sage

Genetics: How ones body responds to HRT. 
Surgeries:  Good doctors can do wonders.
Age:  in general younger is better but the above has a bigger impact.

However, there is so much more to passing than looks: walking, talking, confidence, attitude, gestures to just name a few. 

Looks are important but are nowhere near the end. 

Hugs,

Jen

[Cindy]

You will see the same question coming from woman assigned female at birth. Why are some physically gorgeous and others just gorgeous on the inside?

[Misha]

Is the difference money? Plastic surgeries? Genetics? Makeup? Style?
What are the definitive differences between transwomen that "pass" so well and those that stick out from the crowd?
I can't seem to place my finger on it.

I'm 29 and just 6 weeks on estrogens produced an incredible result that I would have expected in like 6-12 months (EDIT: when I consider my age). So the difference is that every body is different. As for me, puberty left me with a rather feminine body type. My therapist actually said: "When I look at you the transformation won't be hard."

That and probably the fact that I received one of the strongest estrogens available in Czech (Neofollin) as I got a near-clean bill of health before I got the prescription. That thing is so strong that it would perhaps even turn a male elephant into a female :-) . Plus antiandrogens added to the mix.

From what I've been reading the differences come from these factors: age, genetics, existing masculine/feminine features and prescribed HRT which varies based on your health. So I would recommend looking around your family as with them you share a decent portion of your DNA. If you have a sister then that may be the closest reference point in my opinion. That or your mother.

[JoanneB]

Genetics, timing and $$$$. Same as for any cis woman, or guy. Money helps immensely, just ask any aging Hollywood actress. Yet also remember they also had genetics on their side which got them on the big screen to start with. Yet money can only do so much. Especially the sort of money we can hope to have short of winning a $300 Million mega lottery.

Many people fret over how they look. Many obsess over their look. Many envy others for their look.  At the end of the day if you let those feelings control your life you will never have one. Happiness about being you starts and ends with self acceptance. Which includes all the not so great bits as well as the great stuff.

I too relied on an overwhelming life to get by. I call it my 3D's Diversions, Distractions and Denial. Though I felt TG since like 5, I couldn't act on those feelings. So I tried to bury them. Plus ravaged by T, being 6ft tall, big boned, and balding rapidly, I had plenty of convenient excuse to also not follow my dream.

The only real difference in me now vs 30 years ago is my attitude. 99% of passing is just that. Even if it is mostly relegated to in your head and how you feel out in the real world being the real you. You have happiness and joy in your life. With that you can take on a little pain.

I finally came to realize that living the opposite life. One filled with sadness and pain will also blind you to experiencing true joy.  Diversions, Distractions and Denial can help relieve some of those symptoms but no more than what two aspirins can do to help mend a broken bone.

[stephaniec]

 I don't know, could you accept yourself if you felt female on the inside because of the hormones, but no mater what procedure you did your attractiveness just wasn't in the cards . Where does the root of your problem lie. In basic gender identity or Hollywood glamor.

[burnlikefire]

Genetics, timing and $$$$. Same as for any cis woman, or guy. Money helps immensely, just ask any aging Hollywood actress. Yet also remember they also had genetics on their side which got them on the big screen to start with. Yet money can only do so much. Especially the sort of money we can hope to have short of winning a $300 Million mega lottery.

Many people fret over how they look. Many obsess over their look. Many envy others for their look.  At the end of the day if you let those feelings control your life you will never have one. Happiness about being you starts and ends with self acceptance. Which includes all the not so great bits as well as the great stuff.

I too relied on an overwhelming life to get by. I call it my 3D's Diversions, Distractions and Denial. Though I felt TG since like 5, I couldn't act on those feelings. So I tried to bury them. Plus ravaged by T, being 6ft tall, big boned, and balding rapidly, I had plenty of convenient excuse to also not follow my dream.

The only real difference in me now vs 30 years ago is my attitude. 99% of passing is just that. Even if it is mostly relegated to in your head and how you feel out in the real world being the real you. You have happiness and joy in your life. With that you can take on a little pain.

I finally came to realize that living the opposite life. One filled with sadness and pain will also blind you to experiencing true joy.  Diversions, Distractions and Denial can help relieve some of those symptoms but no more than what two aspirins can do to help mend a broken bone.

this is so true.
it's so daunting, though.

[burnlikefire]

I don't know, could you accept yourself if you felt female on the inside because of the hormones, but no mater what procedure you did your attractiveness just wasn't in the cards . Where does the root of your problem lie. In basic gender identity or Hollywood glamor.

I think a lot of it comes from my mother.
She's severely transphobic and has made comments my whole life.
But I feel like if I'm really pretty she'll "see" me as a girl more than as her son in a dress.


XO,
Sage

[stephaniec]

I think a lot of it comes from my mother.
She's severely transphobic and has made comments my whole life.
But I feel like if I'm really pretty she'll "see" me as a girl more than as her son in a dress.


XO,
Sage

it's good to be accepted by family and others, but the true acceptance needs to come from with in. It's a lonely road to travel being trans , but if you know why you need to do it there is no barrier that can stop you.

[Kassie]

Family can also be quite selfish they're not living internally with your struggles etc. perhaps your mother should come to a counseling session with you all the best I had to  deal with religious Pham damnly

[Misha]

I think a lot of it comes from my mother.
She's severely transphobic and has made comments my whole life.
But I feel like if I'm really pretty she'll "see" me as a girl more than as her son in a dress.


XO,
Sage

Yes, I also had a problem with my mother. I actually delayed my transition so that I could move to a place 100km away first and ensure complete independence from the rest of the family. And I was partially right to do that as she talked to me as if I was crazy for a few months.

In the end even a session with my therapist didn't really help so I openly told her that if she'll keep talking to me like I'm nuts I'll simply completely break contact. That was cruel of me, I know, but I was in such a state that I didn't feel like I have something to lose (if that actually counts as an excuse).

Now it's much better. Recently she said to me that I actually look much better now instead of that walking corpse I was before. So perhaps your mother also needs some time?

EDIT: Grammar

[LittleEmily24]

I've never really seen anyone who started between 15-25 that didnt end up eventually passing. But i guess it depends on what your definition of passing is. Having been on here for a few months and frequenting the before and after thread ~ I've seen people of all ages that eventually pass very well lol so i'm half inclined to believe that age (while it does make a difference) doesn't make THAT BIG of a difference I would say that genetics plays the biggest role of it all. And well, surgery i guess ~ but that all depends on how big your bank account is.

I'll let you know how I feel/look in a year or 2 lol I'm 24 as well.

[Hikari]

To me it seems like effort, money, and information are the big things.

Sure starting young and having helpful gentics really help outcomes but, it seems like with enough money those things don't mean as much.

I am 28 but I am hoping with enough effort I can pass without spending tons of money because that is really the thing I lack the most. I have plenty of information and effort so 2/3 isn't bad I guess.

[Joanna Dark]

Age plays are factor in transition but it is given too much weight sometimes. By far, the most important thing is genetics. I've seen, or see, 16-, 17-year-old dudes who are far more masculine than I ever was when I started transition at 30. Of course, then again, I feel like I would have, or would, look much better if I started when I was younger. A big part is your body type. Someone who is 19 and 6'4 is never going to be able to pass as well as someone is 35 and 5'3. Those are kind of extreme examples as most people would fall somewhere in between. Then there's money. If you have money and are average, like 5'10, you can really do a lot. I'm 5'5 and I would trade four inches for $40K. The other thing is presentation. If you know how to dress and apply makeup, that's going to help big time. It isn't given as much thought on passing threads, but maybe that's because it's a given, IDK.

I'm still torn on confidence. I'm sure it helps but there's been times when I have been incredibly uneasy about how I look and felt like I didn't look feminine at all and then wouldn't you know, men would start hitting on me and all kinds of other mail fail stuff happens. I have a discount card that I use for public transport and it's gendered. Last week, I tried to use it and the lady threatened to call the police and I ran away. Still, I might be an outlier and I can see how it helps. Prolly a lot actually.

That's my 2¢.