very depressed. don't know what to do or where to turn

[austinm97]

hi, i'm austin, i'm ftm. i found out that i was transgender when i was 14.. and tried my hardest to get rid of the feelings. i tried to dress feminine and act feminine but it all felt like i was putting on some kind of act. the feelings didn't go away, and because of that, i got very depressed. 3 years later i am still very depressed, and feeling suicidal off and on. i can't help it. i can't come out to anyone or transition because my family can't even accept gay people.. how are they supposed to accept trans people? anyways, the thought of me not living the life that i'm supposed to live absolutely kills me.. everyday that thought kills me. i feel so empty and lifeless everyday even though i've been put on 3 different anti-depressants.. yes it's more easy to manage i guess but they don't change the emptiness that i feel.. i just feel like there's no point.. like i'm not really living life, just existing and watching life pass me by.. i don't want to talk to people or meet people or go out of the house because i don't look and sound the way that i should.. going out and talking gives me very bad anxiety.. i just want to feel like a normal person.. but i will never be able to because i will never get to the key to my happiness and contentment: tranisitioning; i don't know what to do anymore.. please help me. i don't want to feel this way anymore.. i don't want to exist. i'm sorry for being so dramatic or for this being all over the place but this is how i feel..

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Austin! There are so many here in the same boat sweetie. Just try to get along the best you can until you are on your own. It is possible to reach your dreams it is just you are stuck in the moment. I carried the burden of Dysphoria for 40 years so I do get your feelings. You now have a tremendous support system now, so use us and we will get you through this. Here is a BIG HUG  to welcome you and make you feel right at home! 

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[E-Brennan]

Jessica is absolutely right - you feel miserable right now and we've all been there (and still go there sometimes), but hold out as best you can until you can get some space between you and those who are stopping you doing what you want/need to do.  Being dependent on an unsupportive family is not a good place to be, but there will come a time when you're no longer subject to their prejudices.

Which is all well and good, and I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times before.  So, some practical things you can do right now that might help alleviate those feelings of being stuck:

- Are you 100% sure your family all feel the same way about trans people?  Many of us here are surprised when we find out that people we expected to shun us actually accept us, and equally surprised when some of our best friends and closest family members disown us once they find out who we really are.  Sometimes, it takes a bit of a leap of faith to figure who you can rely on for support, but give everyone a chance to prove you wrong.  Let them show you that they don't support you, rather than assuming that they don't support you.

- Start planning for after you leave high school.  What do you want to do?  College?  Straight into work?  Whatever it is, try to figure out how you'll work your trans goals into those plans.  Transitioning requires lots of forethought, and you can start that now.

- Is there a counselor at school who you can talk to?  This is often a great and confidential place to start.

- You can do many small things to adjust your appearance.  A shorter hair style that is more androgynous if you don't already have one.  Clothing choices.  Mannerisms and the way you present yourself.  Observe guys in their native habitats and listen/emulate how they carry themselves and communicate.

- Don't shut yourself away, either in "real life" or here.  I cannot overstate what a great community this site is, and how much dysphoria and stress and depression it has taken off my shoulders.  Even if you come here to gripe on a regular basis, that'll help.  Outside this site, are there any local trans groups you can attend?  The one I go to often has teenagers at the meetings.

I'm sure others can chime in with suggestions that might help you feel like you're not standing still and getting nowhere.  It's an awful situation to be in, but it's rarely permanent.

I hope some of this helps.  And be careful, ok?  Those suicidal thoughts - if you ever feel like you're going to act on them, it's time to let someone know.   🙂

[FTMDiaries]

Hi Austin, and welcome to our big family!

I'm FtM too, and I've had gender issues since I was 5 years old but didn't know about transsexualism until I was 19. I understand where you're coming from about trying to dress and act in a feminine way in order to get rid of the feelings and try to learn how to be happy as the girl everyone told you you were supposed to be... I tried it too, but none of it worked - it just made me feel worse. I also understand how trapped you're feeling, particularly at your age.

I can tell you though: it can and does get better.

It's probably difficult for you to see this now because you've most likely spent your whole life with your parents, teachers, friends and other authority figures controlling what you can do... but I'll let you in on a little secret that they probably don't want you to know: as soon as you reach the age of majority, you will have the right to do whatever you want with your life. So whilst you may not be able to transition at this moment, once you become the captain of your own ship, and you can transition if that's your choice.

I can tell you another thing: you do want to exist. Clearly you do, otherwise you wouldn't have reached out for help. You just don't want to exist the way you're currently existing, and that's understandable because gender dysphoria is a horrible thing to live with, and nobody wants to suffer like that. But all you need to do is hold on just a little bit longer, and you can start to do what you need to do in order to get your life on the right track.

In the meantime, as others have suggested you could try some little reassuring things that your folks won't see, like wearing male underwear; changing your soap, deodorant etc. to male products; getting a binder; perhaps packing; changing your clothes to more masculine clothes; picking a male name (or a gender-neutral nickname) so that you don't have to be called by your birth name; watching what other boys your age do so that you can learn the social behaviours and cues that you weren't taught whilst growing up. All these things can help alleviate your dysphoria whilst you wait for an opportunity to begin your transition. And if you can talk to a counsellor about your feelings, that could help you too.

I'm sure you love your family and would want them to accept you, and I know you're worried that their homophobia may also include transphobia. But you don't have to come out to them yet, especially whilst you're in a vulnerable position. You can do little things to change your presentation, and you can start planning your transition, so that you're in a stronger position when you're ready to come out to them.

It gets better. Just hold onto the thought that you'll soon be able to choose your own destiny; that your current situation is merely temporary - and you'll get through this.

We're here for you every step of the way.

[Athena]

For the short term get some doc marteens or some knock off, get a shorter haircut and wear looser jeans and baggy t-shirts. It might not do a lot but it is a start and something you should be able to get away with without people figuring anything out.

[Jess42]

Well Austin, you came here and that is a good start and this is a good place to turn to. A lot of experience from all walks of life here.

[Natkat]

Hi austrinm and wellcome to susan.

I think many here do or have been thou the same struggles you have.
being in your age is one of the hardest age to be trans, but it will get better.

If you have local transgroups or organisations in your area you should try to get in contact with some there to share your fellings and get a space where you can have some time being you.
if that is not an option then keep writting here on susan, you can be yourself here and people will try as much as posible to help and suport whenever you just need someone to talk to or advice.

[Felix]

Why do you think you will never transition?

[austinm97]

because i would lose my family and that thought scares me to death..

[Emily1996]

Hello, I'm a MTF, and I guess we are the same age, and I go to high school just in case, so I understand how you feel, about transitioning, my family isn't supportive neither they are muslim they will just kill me, so you have to be strong, finish high school, and apply for college in a different area from where you are! So that you can be independent and you whatever you want and then transition!

You cans till make some little changes, like cutting your hair maybe (?) I mean if they don't want you to, you can still do it by yourself I guess, or just go somewhere alone, after you did it, they can't make it grow right away so it's something already, then you can start buy masculine clothes, and change at school, I want to do that next year, since my sister graduates and she is not going to be in my same school, I can be more free there too, so that people won't tell her, and stuff...You can like work out I guess, just to prepare for you transition that will happen when you can be independent!

[Felix]

I'm sorry for not responding before. I'm not great with keeping up with things.

I don't see a lot of communication from you other than this, so I hope you are doing okay.

If you need to please your family, you can do that for as long as necessary without your transition being off the table. You can do small things to try to be more comfortable in the meantime, and you can be out to yourself without risking any concrete things in your life.

I hope you have been lurking, at least. This site is really useful.