Suddenly Awake

[Katrinka]

After three months, I don't know what has happened, but today I just was struck with this sense of...peace. I just sort of had this revelation of "why am I fighting this so much?". I realized, and I really accepted, that none of the "stuff" happening really matters in the long run; the cosmetic changes my spouse is "trying out" right now are really not a huge deal if he is happy. Why am I working so hard to make us both unhappy by digging in my heels so hard and deep? It's stupid. If he is happy trying out women's clothing, makeup, hair removal, hair growth (on his head), maybe hormones, fantasy, and whatever...what is the freaking harm? His family will accept this; my family maybe (some will, some will not); our real friends will accept it too. Am I really concerned about what strangers think? I know who I am, and I guess I realized it's stupid to be afraid of a potential va-jay-jay (as I do not mind my own). SO is insistent that he is still questioning, and that there is no guarantee that he will need/want to transition because he is still testing the waters. I told him, and he went with it. I came home from my barre class to find him fully dressing (and at first hiding until I told him to knock it off). I admit I was a bit hyper, as I had just done an hour of intense ballet and had not eaten more than a banana and half a sandwich all day, but I wasn't freaked out. I was a little bit hesitant to rub my hand up his freshly smoothed leg, but it didn't bite or hurt. I didn't even mind the boob inserts that I gave him making an appearance. He seemed uncomfortable, probably because he didn't realize I would be home when I was, but we just sort of went about doing what we do. He watched cartoons; I walked the dogs and folded the laundry. A typical night. Then he went for a snack, so changed back into guy mode, and the rest of the night has been. I hope my new found clarity is not a whim or a phase, because I am so tired of being anxious about all of this. If he wants and needs to transition, then it's going to happen. I would rather be a cheerleader than a hater or a roadblock.

[Sylvie]

I remember reaching the point where I could have written that post. It's a relief, isn't it? For me, it wasn't a phase, and things have continually gotten easier. My SO probably won't transition as far as SRS, but at this point, I feel pretty confident that I could get used to that. When I first found out, I couldn't even imagine getting to this point. But really, having a happy SO has been so worth it. There have still been freak-out times on my part, because it's a lot to process. But yeah, getting to that point where you're like, "who gives a crap what others think??" is such an awesome feeling!! Hope that continues for ya, Katrinka, but remember, if you have doubts and concerns along the way -- that's totally normal, too. Baby steps. 

[luna nyan]

Katrinka,

I'm so happy that you have found peace for now.
You've been fantastic in asking questions and being open to people's perspectives.
I hope this continues for you, but down days may continue to happen, what is happening iisnt easy at all for everyone concerned.

Keep talking, and I hope your SO works out a clear direction so you two can work out where things stand.

[blueconstancy]

I'm very glad that you've managed to find peace, regardless of whether it's permanent; hopefully this moment will linger as a reminder that it *is* possible.

I'll also second the sentiment that you are still allowed to be upset without being a "hater or a roadblock," though. I know I had a lot of times when I had to explain that I couldn't control how I felt, but I knew the misery was temporary and I still 100% supported my wife.

[Sylvie]

I'll also second the sentiment that you are still allowed to be upset without being a "hater or a roadblock," though. I know I had a lot of times when I had to explain that I couldn't control how I felt, but I knew the misery was temporary and I still 100% supported my wife.

[Katrinka]

Thank you. My husband is still insistent that he is in no hurry to rush the process, and I am perfectly fine with that. He is definitely happy about my turn around. I think he's on edge because he is waiting for the other shoe to drop and me to freak out...he has every reason not to trust that I am actually feeling no anxiety about this. Of course, it could be that the anti-anxiety medication I am taking has something to do with it. I think the test will be time. I  know that he is excited to dress and be Her, but he says that he is still trying it all on for now, so he isn't even sure if he wants to start hormones yet. For me, I just want my best friend, and I hope we can re-establish intimacy and trust, because the last three months have been the worst for us ever (and we have always had a roller-coaster of a relationship). Positive thoughts and whatever are greatly appreciated. There is still a part of me that wonders if he is being honest with me about the HRT plan; my hope is we will talk about it together, rather than he go, get a prescription, and then tell me that he's starting HRT. I know that he hopes that HRT will make him look more feminine. Anyway, I hope that I can stay calm through all of this.

[Sayra]

I'm so glad you're feeling better about everything Kat! Sounds like we had another identical week(s). I had picked up a book that challenged the way we think and really, came to the same point. Why was I so upset? I simply wasn't asking him or myself the right questions. I too, needed a perspective and attitude adjustment.

I worked on getting some stuff sorted for myself and turned the page over to look at it all with fresh eyes. In the meantime, my husband scheduled appointments to see a psychologist who specialized in trans issues. The outcome is a positive one for us knowing that almost anything beyond clothes and hair were not what he was wanting from his vantage point.

We just found out today what part of the spectrum we were looking at and the certainty I craved has arrived. It doesn't mean there won't be bumps in the road but that's a weight off my shoulders!

Wishing you peace and joy in your new view!

[LordKAT]

It sounds like you are going in a positive direction. I'm hoping the day comes when you realize that by passing this milestone you know that the person you are with is worth more than gold.

[Katrinka]

Well that was short lived; SO is filing for divorce.

[LordKAT]

Well that was short lived; SO is filing for divorce.

Wha?!?!  I am truly shocked!!! So many would be happy to have an SO who even tries to be understanding and thrilled to have one who made their  peace with it as you have.

Hugs dear lady, you deserve so much better.

[luna nyan]

Well that was short lived; SO is filing for divorce.

*hugs*
I am so sorry to hear that.  I wish I had something to say that might help you feel better but I'm... Speechless.

Wishing you peace regardless.  Please think about finding a counsellor, and of course, have the lawyer ready.  I hope for you that if it does really go all the way, that it be a civil one.

[blueconstancy]

Oh, God, I'm so sorry, honey. It sounds almost as if he *wanted* you to be combative - because no sooner did you accept this than he files out of the blue. What a shock, and you must just be reeling.

There are still sympathetic ears here, even though he's leaving.

[Katrinka]

Oh no; it's my fault. I drank wine as an escape,  and we got into an argument. He's done with me. I deserve this. It's been a long time coming.

[blueconstancy]

You can't blame yourself for everything. I'm sure it's not 100% your fault, and clearly he's not willing to cut you some slack even when you're dealing with a ton of stress that he brought into the marriage. I'm still sorry that things aren't working out.

[Katrinka]

Honestly, 99% of the problems in our marriage have come from my anxieties and temper. I am jerk (I would use the correct word, but don't want to curse on here). I drink too much, and I have learned to be a terrible person from my own mother. I have a lot of anger and resentment lurking inside of me all the time. I deserve this; I brought it on. It's best for both of us.

[Tessa James]

Very sorry to hear of your troubles after you made such significant efforts to help and understand your SO.  Having been together for over 40 years my spouse and I agree that if we split the sheets it would likely be long standing issues other than my being transgender that would be the tipping point. 

Without knowing you we cannot argue with your self deprecation but we do understand that alcohol is fuel for fire.  I hope you will keep your head up and work toward your own self acceptance and peace.

[Katrinka]

Yeah. I need a lot of help. I think it's best for us. He threatened divorce last night, but in reflection today, I think it is best for me to do the filing. Set him free from me. He needs to transition and become who SHE should be...my own insecurities and issues are only making it worse. My unhealthy relationship with wine is really destroying my life as well. It's time for me to go back to AA and SO to become herself.

[Sylvie]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to hear this. Thinking of both of you!

[luna nyan]

Yeah. I need a lot of help. I think it's best for us. He threatened divorce last night, but in reflection today, I think it is best for me to do the filing. Set him free from me. He needs to transition and become who SHE should be...my own insecurities and issues are only making it worse. My unhealthy relationship with wine is really destroying my life as well. It's time for me to go back to AA and SO to become herself.

Sorry to hear how complicated things are for you all.

Don't rush the process - you both need to talk to someone, and then talk to someone together.  You would not be together if there wasn't a connection, and perhaps, at the end of this, you may have a stronger relationship.

Wine is nice, but definitely, it sounds like you need to be dry for a while.

Wishing you both peace.

[Sayra]

Take your time Kat. I'm so sorry to see what's transpired. I know how you feel about being a jerk. I have a propensity to be very cruel when I'm angry. It's also when I PMS, which can be up to 2 weeks (or half of my life). Not an excuse to behave badly, I know.

Perhaps going slow and working your way through is the best plan? We don't get married within a couple weeks, but we seem to walk away quickly. Is couples therapy an option? Maybe just a trial separation?

All I can say is that I wish the best for each of you. To have you each be happy and satisfied within your own lives. May you find fufillment where you need it and happiness in the future.

You've been a huge support to me on the days where I was in such a dark place, I found solace that I was not alone. Thank you for being here and willing to share that part of your life.