feelings of regret(rant and trigger warning)

[Umiko]

sry to be a bother but i must know if other's experienced this and how did they manage or am i just a rare basket case. i may not be on hormones but i'm already in a regretful state. though when i was in my closet, these emotions never touched me. i wasnt really living but i was more in control or what i felt. now that i came out and destroyed my closet, i'm unable to control my emotions. i talk about them whenever i get the chance but i dont feel any relief. there arent any answers to my questions (finally at least i have one answer) but yet knowing this, i still feel no relief. i may be over thinking things but i'm literally out of resources right now so once i use up these last 2, i'm getting off this ride and not going back because though i have a strong resistance to pain, this type of pain is eating me alive.

[Jessica Merriman]

So you are on here and not where we discussed why?

[Umiko]

i guess i'm not but usually regret is post hrt and or post srs. i'm facing regret pre. jack hammering the concrete tomb of mines is what i'm regretting

[Jessica Merriman]

Well, I can't help you if you don't put out effort as well. Good luck to you and I hope you find peace some day. You know what you need to do and that is go in for a while and work things out.

[Umiko]

the doctor didnt see me as a flight risk though. he wants me to talk to my psychiatrist but i know for sure my doctor cant help me. he is to aloof and idk if he is competent enough. i guess i'm just one of those rare basket cases  if the SSI case goes well, i'll be able to see my therapist on a weekly bases, more if needed and he has the time

[Jessica Merriman]

If you told the doctor what you told me you would have been admitted though. Were you completely honest with him? Did he not tell you to go to the E.R. or crisis center? Something just doesn't track here for me.

[Umiko]

of course i was honest. if i wasnt honest than what was the point of spending half the night waiting in the E.R when i could of been home in my bed sleeping. i literally had  to walk 10 miles back home because the last bus ran an hour prior to me being discharged. because if how unique my situation is, the doctor said i should try and go for once a week or more if needed seeing my therapist and try to fins things to do instead of sitting down and getting lost in my thoughts. frankly i do agree with that but because of my financial situation, my options are super limited until after i get the ruling on my case. i should of done summer school but my guidance counselor suggested i not because i just got off academic probation so i should wait until fall. everyone just seems to be throwing me one way than another way. its getting hard to tell who wants to do right by me. if i wasnt trying and doing my best, than i would of given up the very moment i decided i'd go through this process.

[Umiko]

could all of my thoughts and feelings be from the fact i was diagnosed with BPD?

[Emerald]

could all of my thoughts and feelings be from the fact i was diagnosed with BPD?

Yes.  Bless your troubled heart, yes.  Absolutely yes.

[Umiko]

who would of thought. something like this that i was treated for and it went in remission would pop up at a crucial time and cause me so much heartache. i cant believe i can finally say this, but i'm feeling a little better knowing this. next step, see what my psychiatrist says about BPD though it isnt really a diagnoses anymore

[Jessica Merriman]

could all of my thoughts and feelings be from the fact i was diagnosed with BPD?

I am confused now? You were or were not diagnosed with BPD? You just said it wasn't a diagnosis anymore?

[Umiko]

when i was 18 and hospitalized for the 3rd time, one of the psychiatrist in the day program i attended sat me down to discuss me that i was being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. after that i was put into the DBT program for a year. at this time i was stubborn so i asked for it to be downgraded (big mistake) and so i was only being treated for bi-polar disorder. in a sense, i had sealed my own fate there and at this time i was already dealing with the realization i was trans and would be looked at like an admonition so i just said it was me being borderline and so i asked for it to be removed. as of the new DSM-V, i hear it was excluded so that why i said that. i'm not quiet sure but imma be having a good ' ol conversation with my psychiatrist on monday

[Jessica Merriman]

at this time i was stubborn so i asked for it to be downgraded (big mistake) and so i was only being treated for bi-polar disorder. in a sense, i had sealed my own fate there and at this time i was already dealing with the realization i was trans and would be looked at like an admonition so i just said it was me being borderline and so i asked for it to be removed.

I am sorry sweetie, but this does not track at all. A patient cannot in any State of the U.S. change their diagnosis unless you are an M.D. There is no way that happened. You cannot remove medical information from your file as well. It is a legally binding document for life.

[Umiko]

I am sorry sweetie, but this does not track at all. A patient cannot in any State of the U.S. change their diagnosis unless you are an M.D. There is no way that happened. You cannot remove medical information from your file as well. It is a legally binding document for life.

well idk why they continued to treat me for bi-polar disorder. long story short, i was on meds that was used for treating it but i had to stop it becuz i couldnt afford it. now that my insurance was reinstated i can go back on them. when i told my psychiatrist, he said he'll see what meds to put me back on when i see him again. i'm holdng on to this hope i just now gained.

[LordKAT]

When you destroy the closet that protected your feelings, the feelings you do get are so much more intense until you go through them and deal with them. That is not unusual. It means you are in the healing process. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time. You can hide the painful feelings for only so long before they gut you. The only way to get past it is to get through it and it isn't easy. Take courage in the knowledge that you are stronger than you think and are on the path to becoming a healthier you. You can do this, you are not alone. It has happened to others and they have survived, then thrived. So will you.

[Umiko]

thnx KAT. this is just a hiccup. seriously though, why didnt i see this.