Prisoner in my Body

[Wild Flower]

I hate to rant, but I am bottling all these emotions, and if I don't let them out... I feel like I am going to lose my mind.  I been repressing the fact that I am a transsexual woman for at least a year by keeping myself occupy with mere surving. I join the military to escape reality because of a bunch of bad circumstances; bought a house in a bad area, no jobs, and just nothing to look forward to.  I just went through the motions of life, and I had a MOS (military occupation) I really love, but long story short, things didn't go my way, and I had to reclass to something totally unrelated to what I wanted.... and at first I was optimistic about the new one, but it's just not something I want to do. Now that I have more free time, I been thinking about who I am and what I am not.... and I feel like a prisoner of my own body, since I keep trying things that I think I might succeed at... but I keep failing.  I lack coordination, muscle memory, the ability to drive well, and things that come naturally to others don't come to me. I don't want to say I am stupid, but that's how I feel, since I had all this motivation, but I have little, even waking up each morning takes a lot of my energy.

That's the tip of the iceberg. I am female inside, and it's killing me inside that the world sees me as a man... for the past few weeks, I somewhat pretended to myself this guy saw me as a female, but the past few days he really hit home he just saw me as a man with word choice of his. I thought he was into me, and I think he was, but I think he woke up. I think it click to him that he couldn't possible see me as a potential lover, and I persuaded him not too (ignoring him just enough). I didn't want to lead him on. Yet, after waking him up, it was like I lost the one person who saw me for who I was. Now, he sees me as just a guy; a weird one, but a guy nevertheless. I didn't tell him my secret, but I was close too, but I won't now. I can't lose my first real friend... My acne has really erupted as well. And I can't even force happiness right now.

It's like I    really had a naive point of view of life for a while, that I could do anything I set my mind to, believe in myself, and that true love waits. And it's like crashing upon me right now... and I see the truth. Life is hard.

I cannot quit on the military since the real world will be even harder, but the few things that would make me happy... to at least be feminine, find love, and become a nurse as a start... and I have to wait until this contract is over with until I can do that. I feel trap. But I have to get through this.

There's no real-life trans group I can get support from either.

[Rachel]

It sounds like you have dysphoria. Learning a skill in the military that can make you money in the civilian market is very important because transition is expensive.

It sounds like you may have dysphoria. When my dysphoria was intolerable prior to HRT I did walks up and down hills with a 40 pound pack. This released endorphins and helped me cope. If you are fighting for air you are not figting dysphoria. When the pack bites into your shoulders you are not fighting dysphoria. 

Hugs, hope this helps.

[Hideyoshi]

I couldn't imagine being stuck in the military, needing to keep short hair, a strong body, etc... I can't imagine how you feel right now. It must be hard.

How long until your contract is over? Maybe (I think I'm within the rules to suggest this; mods please let me know if I'm out of line) get with your doctor and say that baldness is in your family so you'd like a DHT blocker and see how you feel on that? That would get the ball rolling, and a DHT blocker like Finasteride is a man's pill so nobody would bat an eye. Plus, it could also help your acne But definitely talk with your doctor about your options/risks

[Wild Flower]

This released endorphins and helped me cope. If you are fighting for air you are not figting dysphoria. When the pack bites into your shoulders you are not fighting dysphoria. 

Hugs, hope this helps.

True. I was under constant stress in my last MOS, constant stress takes away reality. This MOS is more sit down, more hours, more thinking about things.

I realize I need sleep, excercise, or else I'll just be thinking. Running is my real escape, since when I run I think of music videos that make me happy, and it's helping me with my career.

-----------
Hideyoshi,

My contract isn't over for 3 years. It's do-able...

I was on Spiro when I was 17 (a year after I realize I was transsexual), and I stayed on that for a little over a year.  I am glad I went on it, but I was already too far male for it to stop any progress. It just made me felt better. I quit so I wouldn't have brittle bones. But when I get to my real unit, I am going to go back on it.

It's not any harder than real life. No one force me to join. I just didn't join for the MOS I am in, and I keep thinking about my last MOS... it was the hardest time of my life (since it require a lot of social skill; which I didn't have then... but I am so much better at it now), and I would do it again if I could do it again, but particular things happen... I miss it almost daily, and I'll never forget that period of my life. I was so depress after I lost it, and force into this MOS.

I never really acted feminine in real life, and just repress it constantly. My only outlets were music, Second Life, and my art.

Now, I feel as if I am wasting my life away. I just feel like a freak, since no one understands this issue, and if I tell anyone they would think of me as one. I sometimes feel like living isn't even worth it, but I know it's all temporary. That's what keeps me going. Nothing is forever.

I rather disown my family then tell them my secret. I know what they will think in the back of their minds even if they seem accepting of me at first. They really don't even accept homosexuality.

[Chloevixen]

Hugs you tight*  Wildflower I do know what your going through.  I was in the military for 13 years.  The entire time I was unable to even date a guy for fear of my unit finding out, let alone letting my unit know how I felt on the inside.  Finally after DADT went away I thought I was safe for at least finding someone to spend my time with.  Well things did not work out for me with Uncle.  I am not bitter except that they encourage an environment that made me scared to get help years ago.

Now I have a small business on my own and spend my time helping my neighbors.  My life is good and the military was able to help me get to where I am now, even if I do not have any love for them.

Please know your not alone and if you ever need someone to talk to, there are plenty of us here, and a few vets.