Thinking too much about regret

[CursedFireDean]

I've noticed a problem guys
It's a problem that rears it's ugly head when I stay up too late and think about transition. I get so worried about regret. During the day, I am one hundred percent sure that transitioning is what I want, but right before I go to sleep sometimes I get anxious. I used to get anxious about what if I regret hormones, but those anxieties finally stopped a few months ago. But now that I changed my name on Facebook I've started to get anxious about losing people. I know logically that I will lose people and I made that choice, and if I lose them they weren't worth it anyways, but logic doesn't seem to help me when I get this anxious. I am 100% sure that I need to transition, I've thought about it long and hard when I can think through everything with a clear mind, but I don't know what to think about my anxiety at night. I mostly am looking for a way to clear my mind, put these anxieties to rest at night, so I can sleep.

I know I need to transition, there is no doubt in my mind. If I don't, I don't know what will happen to me. But what I don't know is how to prove to myself that I won't regret coming out. My hormone anxieties stopped once it was made clear to me that I need hormones to survive, but I don't know how to prove to myself I need this (coming out to everyone), other than to force myself through it, which means months of these painful nights. I just want this anxiety gone...

*as a side note I've had a rocky past with friends that makes it incredibly difficult for me to deal with relationships, especially losing people and making new friends. That is part of why the anxiety gets so bad, because I have so much trouble dealing with loss.

[Adam (birkin)]

I think this is normal when undertaking any major life decision, especially when there is awareness that there are people who do experience regret.

I had thoughts like "what if I magically wake up one day and feel like a woman? Then what?" Or even "what if it all gets too hard and I can't handle it and want to go back?" It's not a realistic thought, but the uncertainty of it all bothered me, and I eventually had to make peace with that uncertainty. I told myself that if it really did get to that point, although the chance is small and it's more hypothetical than anything, I could always go back. Not that it would be easy to do that either, but the option is always there, should my hypothetical situation come true for whatever reason.

[CursedFireDean]

"what if it all gets too hard and I can't handle it and want to go back?"

I definitely understand that thought, that's one of the things I keep worrying about. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one.

[ChrisRokk]

The "right before transition" phase is way harder than the actual transition phase for a lot of people. If you lose anyone, they were toxic to you, anyway. It's a great opportunity to see who is a real friend. Sometimes you'll be surprised at who has your back and who doesn't.

Also, keep in mind that testosterone changes you slightly psychologically. It can do different things to different people. I handled losing someone and not backing down when they said some real nasty stuff. I probably would have cried before haha. I can't say it's like this for everyone, but you might surprise yourself with newfound confidence.

However, don't feel rushed. I think you'll know when you're ready. It is a huge decision.

Also sorry if this doesn't make sense; I typed it on a phone and I can't see what I'm typing very well

[Declan.]

People freak out about tattoos, which you can have removed or covered up, let alone something this significant. It's normal.

[CursedFireDean]

Thanks guys, it helps me to know that this is common and it's possibly the hardest part.

[Tysilio]

Remember, too, that even though transitioning is the right thing for you to do, there may be things you'll lose that you will regret, and that's normal, too. Everything in life is a mixed bag; any time you make a choice and take one path over another, there's stuff you're leaving behind and stuff you'll never reach on the path you've chosen. That's just part of being human, and you should give yourself space for that -- it doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice.

(That's one big reason why therapy is such a useful part of the transition process -- it helps to work with someone who "gets it" about what you're doing, and who can help you deal with whatever feelings you do have, knowing that it's OK to have them.)

[Dante]

I just started T a little over a month ago, and I'm dealing with the exact same thing. During the day, I couldn't be more sure in my decision; I mean, I'm a very logical person and I've thought it through for years and I have no doubts that this is what I need in order to enjoy the rest of my life.

But I like to stay up late and that's when I get blindsided with anxiety about everything. I'm going through all the transitioning with names and pronouns with my close family right now, which is awkward, and I still have to come out to my extended family in the very near future. I'm not really that close to most of them so I'm not overwhelmingly worried about how they'll take it, but coming out is something extremely difficult for me to do and I've had my fill of having to do it and then some already. I'm at my limit. On top of that, I have a natural inclination to never stop thinking and considering every possibility, no matter how much they don't make sense to me, which is causing the what if anxiety. It's also really hitting me suddenly how hard socially transitioning is/is going to be, and that's not helping either.

Anyway, tl;dr - You're definitely not alone; I've got the same thing going on, and I'm not really sure how to get a handle on it. I really need to though, because it's starting to degrade my ability to function well. I've got this and a lot of other pivotal life choices to make and I need my usual clear head back. Hopefully, it'll pass.

[CursedFireDean]

I just started T a little over a month ago, and I'm dealing with the exact same thing. During the day, I couldn't be more sure in my decision; I mean, I'm a very logical person and I've thought it through for years and I have no doubts that this is what I need in order to enjoy the rest of my life.

But I like to stay up late and that's when I get blindsided with anxiety about everything. I'm going through all the transitioning with names and pronouns with my close family right now, which is awkward, and I still have to come out to my extended family in the very near future. I'm not really that close to most of them so I'm not overwhelmingly worried about how they'll take it, but coming out is something extremely difficult for me to do and I've had my fill of having to do it and then some already. I'm at my limit. On top of that, I have a natural inclination to never stop thinking and considering every possibility, no matter how much they don't make sense to me, which is causing the what if anxiety. It's also really hitting me suddenly how hard socially transitioning is/is going to be, and that's not helping either.

Anyway, tl;dr - You're definitely not alone; I've got the same thing going on, and I'm not really sure how to get a handle on it. I really need to though, because it's starting to degrade my ability to function well. I've got this and a lot of other pivotal life choices to make and I need my usual clear head back. Hopefully, it'll pass.

Definitely somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone, and if I find a good way to get a handle on my anxiety, I'll definitely let you know.
I'm in a similar place, minus T. I'm out to my immediate family and on facebook, but I'll have to talk to my extended family soon. Some I'm not too worried about, but others I may just never tell. My grandma is giving me money for college, and she's one of the most conservative people I know, so I'm considering not risking it, and not telling her until I know I can cover the money she's giving me. She may be accepting, I didn't think she'd like that I was going to art school, let alone pay for a good chunk of it, but I'm simply not going to risk it at the moment. It's going to be a hard conversation for sure. So I definitely feel you about sudden realizing just how hard social transition will be.

[Samuel]

I definitely understand that thought, that's one of the things I keep worrying about. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one.

Omg dude, you are *so* not alone. I have hourly freak outs, based on my ability to support my kids. On being wrong on knowing myself. On being not strong enough to do this. On not being able to afford to do it to the point that I can pass and not be seen as female.

So. Not. Alone. ((Hugs))

[Ryan55]

I think its normal to feel this, i was nervous before starting hrt and also even cutting my hair at first. I was so much happier after i did both though. Its a big step, its normal to think will I regret this, but think of how much happier you will be, pros and cons I suppose.

[Felix]

Totally normal to be anxious about such a major life change. It's okay to be worried, and you probably will always have some regrets.

I agree that therapy is super helpful with this aspect of transition.

[ryanjoseph]

thanks for this thread, guys. i'm glad to know i'm not alone.