Mylifesucks

[hardlife]

Hi everyone, am new

My life as a transsexual sucks. geez where do I start
1. let me tell you about myself. am 21, college student, no job, no friends, heavy depression, I don't care if I die, live with parents, etc...

Now you know why my life sucks. and know little about me.

let me tell you about a recent experience I had (two years ago). I came out to my doctor as transsexual and the nurse laugh right affront of me. what a splendid experience. I go to the same clinic to see a therapist for general depression.

Now for what is currently going on with my life.

I go to college, don't talk to no one. I hate everyone around me and wish something can kill me. I will graduate with an associates that probably won't do chit for me. Am doing business administration because my advisor well advise me to I guess?

Thanks for reading my post.

[hardlife]

sorry I forgot to add one more thing

All the girls I try to befriend think am a ->-bleeped-<-ing pervert. None of the girls wants to be my friend. They make me feel like a freak and I wish to kill myself because of that.

No amount of therapy can fix my social life. No form of therapy can help. gender therapists, sex therapist, general therapist, and doctors are all useless.

If nothing change I will make a plan to kill myself when I get older.

[Umiko]

ah man, talk about down on luck. i know how you feel to the max. lemme tell you this, i'm in the same hole your in so i dont wanna say to much except welcome

[muffinpants]

Hello Hardlife, and welcome to susans. I'm so sorry for all your negative experiences :/ that is so unfortunate and honestly really sick that the nurse would laugh.. makes me feel ill that people can be so backwards and ridiculous. I'm glad you are here because it really does sound like you need some support! It's good that you are reaching out to a community that will more likely understand you and help you to feel accepted

Just a suggestion: My gf see's a gender therapist through our college, so perhaps your college has something similar? I don't know where you are located, but our school is in VA. I always thought it was pretty backwards here, but the rainbow club and the gender therapists available at my school give me hope! Of course, the whole slogan for the school is about diversity... but still! I really hope you can find the help out there that you need, and I hope you can get support and help from Susan's as well. Best wishes!! <3

PS. you sound quite miserable... and I promise, my gf used to act the same way.. since learning to accept herself and surround herself with positive people, she has become MUCH happier.. Feel free to message her or me if you need/want to talk or anything. Her name on here is 'Handy'

[LordKAT]

Greetings hardlife, Welcome to Susan's.

Life can seem really hard sometimes. Good news is, once you hit bottom, no place to go but up.

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[Valleyrie]

Hey hardlife, it's nice to meet you. Welcome here and I hope you're doing okay. I too suffer from severe depression though things do seem to be on the brighter side lately.

I'm so sorry to hear all that. That is so wrong of that person to just laugh at you. Think of it this way; they laugh because they are ignorant and can't think for themselves so they are brought up believing all these stupid beliefs about how things should be. Never let anyone bring you down. You're not a pervert and I can see why they think this. They fear the unknown just like anyone else. Fear is a powerful emotion and this is what drives so many ignorant people. You're not a freak, you are you and that's all that matters. Who cares if you're different? Everyone is. No one and I mean no one is in a position to tell you how to live your life and tell you what's wrong or right.

I've been growing my hair out for over a year now and have changed up my appearance quite significantly and I can tell you that time has been a great help. I know how hurt you must feel right now and it must be awfully painful. I dropped out of school on the first day of year 11 because I had no friends or anything either, it was absolute hell and it completely tore me apart (I'm still in no form of education and that was quite a while ago). Find a therapist who you are comfortable with and that you feel actually cares. I have gone through 2 already and the one I am currently seeing has been such a huge help in my recovery. I don't know where I'd be without her.

We here are your friends and I hope you can feel comfortable and safe enough to let out whatever it may be that is causing you pain. We're here to help and there are many people here who you can relate to. Please feel free to vent and get things off your chest. <3

I can vouch for what muffinpants said. I was also in a similar position and self acceptance and being around the right kind of people has made me a happier person.

~Val

[JayneS]

Hi Hardlife,

Hugs and welcome baby. I know where you are coming from, been there quite a few times. You are a beautiful person, never ever forget that. As Valleyrie said  we are here to help, and we will hun. Yes you will encounter ignorant moronic people! But you will also meet nice supportive people also, I am a Vampire Goth girl, people think I am weird, most girls think I am very strange, and most guys are just plain scared! but hey hun that is their issue and not mine, love me or hate me I don't care, I am me  Fear is a hard driver, and when people do not understand that driver will take over, and these people are usually very two dimensional and if they were honest have their own demons inside! PM or email if you want to, I cant say I know all of the answers, but I will do everything I can to help and advise you hun.

First thing baby ACCEPT who and what you are, when I realised I was trans I tagged myself as a Friday afternoon special not quite finished right, now I am doing the finishing!!! I know it's hard hun buit believe me once you accept it will become a little easier. I am here f you need me girl.

Love and hugs

Jayne xxxx

[Jess42]

Sounds like you are in a bad place. I know if I ever came out to anyone that thinks they know me, I would get laughed at too. I hide it extrememly well and everyone would think I said it as a joke. Maybe the reason why the nurse laughed if she thinks she knows you.

I have to echo what others have said, you have to accept yourself and everyone else can just go to the "Hotspot", if you know what I mean.

I am confused are you a transexual in that you are dressing and presenting and living as your preferred gender or are you transgender in that you experience dysphoria and a longing to be the other gender?

But regardless, hardlife, welcome.

[Hideyoshi]

I came out to my doctor as transsexual and the nurse laugh right affront of me. what a splendid experience.

What a complete wench to laugh at you right in your face. I would have personally went off on her.

I would say for you to maybe try to find a local LGBT group who has meetings in your area.

[Emily.T]

Hello there Hardlife I can relate to being laughed at my own cousin laughed at me when I came out to her and my doctor told me I was out of place here in my town but that's there deal I am comfortable with who I am and you should be to, don't let other peoples comments get to you they are just narrow minded.

I don't have any close friends either but that's a choice I made its different for everyone, There are some good people here who will support you just be yourself and let others help you, it does get better but for now HUGS.

[JulieBlair]

Hi Sweetie,

OK lets spend a couple of minutes looking at this.  Transitioning is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.  Harder than College, Harder than Graduate School, Harder even than losing the love of my life and divorce.  What we are doing is making a fundamental existential change in who we are and how we relate to the world.

Most of the world isn't interested, and has neither patience nor understanding for people who have risked everything to live an authentic life.  If there was any way for me to continue to live as a man with anything like a remote chance of happiness, I would have done so.  This life is not a joke and it is not a choice.  I am the way I am because in my soul I am a woman - the plumbing is irrelevant, as is the persona I tirelessly tried to put on for the world for all but the last two years of my life.

Jayne talked a little bit about acceptance.  For me that is the key to continuing to live a productive and mostly happy life while becoming who I am.  Until I could accept myself at a basic visceral level, I could not become the woman I know I am.  Until I could accept that the world is filled with people who cannot or will not understand that my thoughts and feelings were legitimate and valuable, I could not function in a world that seemed both hostile and at the same time indifferent.

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them."

The answer to Hamlet is Yes!  The sea of troubles will recede; there are friends waiting for you wherever you may be; if you give us the opportunity the community at Susan's will love and nurture you.  Here is where I found my center.  Here is where, if you search, you will find yours.  Professionals can be idiots.  Both because of ignorance, and sometimes because of misguided belief.  Here in a sea of non professionals, there is acceptance, guidance, and hope.

The best thing you can do is to continue.  You are in school - excell.  You are beginning to seek your authentic self - wonderful.  Whenever they knock you down - get back up.  You are beautiful, worthwhile, and valuable.  In a little while you will be able to send a personal message to anyone here.  Do it when you are lonely and lost.  We will respond with support.  I will respond with unconditional acceptance, as will countless others.  There is a greek word that I love "agape".  It is the love from one to the other without pretense, and without judgement.  That is what we are all about.  There is laughter here, there is fellowship here. 

Please Keep Coming Back, It Works.

Julie

[hardlife]

I still remember the nurses whenever I go for a physical appointment each year. I don't want to switch clinic because I been there with my mom since I was young.

My cousin does not want to hang out with me because he has a new life with his gf and kid. If he ever found out I was ts he would goof on me. Not like it matters though. cousins don't count as friends and I never like him anyway.

that's what's up. all the girls think I want what's in their panties and I have 0 friends. HA, HA, HA, really funny. Am way uglier than any cis girl born alive. my voice is deep. I look like a dude - permanently(nothing will help).

If transition does not work, I swear I will finish off what should have been done when I was born. Somehow / someway I will get a gun and blast my ******* head off in the house for everyone to see.

Someone else will have to take my place of discrimination in this world and suffer.

The only reason why am alive now is because I see slogans around the gay community that says "it gets better". Well, it better get better in the next few years or I will not be around for long.

[Luana]

Hi Honey,
I am really sorry to hear that. I don't have much to say but I I'm really worry about you, feel free to message me, I would like o be your friend, really
I'm 22 years old, doing math college. I'm trying to transition, The college therapist entered in strike after my first session, so I'm by my self since the end of the last year.

I did send a personal message to you, hugs 

[stephaniec]

sorry I forgot to add one more thing

All the girls I try to befriend think am a ->-bleeped-<-ing pervert. None of the girls wants to be my friend. They make me feel like a freak and I wish to kill myself because of that.

No amount of therapy can fix my social life. No form of therapy can help. gender therapists, sex therapist, general therapist, and doctors are all useless.

If nothing change I will make a plan to kill myself when I get older.

well, first of all the nurse should of been reported and reprimanded. Yea, life is a bitch , but it can be over come. Life has a lot to offer and there are people who will help it just sometimes takes a little searching . I've had excellent therapists and one with the IQ of a opossum . The one I have now is beyond great.

[JulieBlair]

Hardlife,
    I'm not sure that I know anyone who is trans who has not been at the edge of the abyss.  The suicide rate for us is beyond scary.  Yes, you can choose to get a gun and blow your brains out.  I have had to clean up after someone I cared for did exactly that.  I will never forget the smell or the sight.  It is possibly the most selfish thing you can possibly do.

Or you can live.  It is sometimes hard. It is sometimes lonely.  It is also sometimes an adventure.  If the girls you know think you are creepy, find out why.  If people you know are careful not to get close, find out why.  To make a friend you have to be a friend.

I spent three years volunteering at a soup kitchen.  I've driven people to appointments, or to the grocery store.  There are things you can do and places you can be to connect.  For me connections are the key.  When I feel connected, I feel needed and wanted.  When I give love, I receive it back. 

I have been in the psych ward on suicide watch, and I have starred off a bridge ready to see if I could fly.  But in the end I chose to live, and now love and am loved.  It is better than oblivion, even if it doesn't always seem so.

There are people who have written on this thread who have reached out to you.  Reach back.  You have value, let us know, let us participate in your life and your transition.

Peace,
Julie

[Rachel]

Hardlife, hugs and welcome to Susan's

I have dealt with suicidal thoughts and plans and moments of decision and 2 attempts. I do not believe I am still here but in general I am glad I am. There are still times when dysphoria and other people get to me and then there are the times I get to myself.

Why am I glad I am still here? As I learn, grow and accept who I am I realize I am much better than I was 1.5 years ago. I have not tried anything because I know the bad time will go and I will feel better.

I know when I am with other trans I feel at ease, to a point. if there is any way you can find like minded people or welcoming people then you might consider going there.

My primary care is at a LGBT center. I go to therapy and group and some trans social events.

There are no easy ways to resolve the turmoil. It take time, hard work and welcoming friends.

[JoanneB]

An almost universal thread among the fully out full-time TGs I know is that their decision to transition came when their life choices were A) Transition; B) Suicide. Only one choice allowed a 'Do Over'

I grew up in a predominately lower middle class, blue collar, eastern European immigrant city. The basic attitude I learned there was 'Life sucks and then you die'. Growing up as an outcast and big target I often wished I was never was born and though sometime scarier things when times were bad.

After 50 years of trying to fit into the world as I thought it wanted me to, I undertook the seemingly insurmountable task of sorting out how I wanted to fit into it. The hardest part of it being figuring out who 'Me' is.

When you have no friends to talk to, no one to able to give reasonably unbiased feedback makes the process of self discovery, I think, impossible. Especially when you are in a dark place already. Misery thrives on misery. This is where and how therapy does help, provided you are open minded and honest to yourself, AND having a decent therapist.

The best therapy I got and still do is my TG group. Something I resisted doing for almost all of my life. My life changed the night of that first meeting sitting there in a living room filled with so many others with lifes, thoughts, and feelings just like my own. I also got to meet and be friends with some totally amazing, understanding, loving, and helpful people.