Haven't even started; already feel defeated

[Erem]

Hi  I don't really like using my name but I'm 22 years old and from England.

I decided to sign up to the site today after reading a thread from another user asking if trans feelings ever get better or go away. Well, the responses hurt me quite a lot. When I was 18 (I think the first time my dysphoria got so bad that I couldn't even function) I swore that I wouldn't try to pursue any sort of transitioning and would try to tackle my problems alone. I did this because I was so scared about not being able to pass physically and a fairly horrible experience the first time I tried to reach out to somebody about this which has made me feel for a long time that I'm, well, a messed up failure. Sometimes I manage and I can play my part in life alright, but other times it's all just unbearable. I'm not fine right now.

I'm worried that I'm just distracting myself with other things while life passes me by and a whole load of regret is looming and waiting for me. I don't want to be still going through these horrible feelings in 5 or 10 years time. I have dreams of where I want to be and who I want to be, and in none of them am I the same person that I am now.

I'm not sure why I'm here. I can't do any more soul searching or thinking - I've done so much that it's maddening. I'm just looking for a way to find the courage to actually DO, and not think anymore. Already it feels pointless to even try, but hopefully I'll find some courage and manage to open up a little more.

Thanks

[Adam (birkin)]

Welcome!

I totally understand you, don't worry. I was aware that transitioning was possible at age 18 and I didn't get around to even admitting I was trans until 20 or so (there were also a few years where I wasn't able to start for other reasons, but yeah, so I didn't start until shortly after my 23rd b-day).  I tried everything too and it took me many years to answer the questions I had in my mind (will I pass? Will I be accepted? Will I be happy? Can I try this instead?). I eventually found the answers I needed and decided to come out and move forward. A lot of it was making peace with uncertainty and being willing to accept the risks, most of which never happened. Never looked back since...I sometimes wish I wasn't trans and feel bad when things go wrong, but I haven't reverted back to female in 5 years despite those challenges, because I know who I am and I know this is just the way things are, for better or for worse.

In short I am glad you came here and joined us. Don't worry about having regrets if you need to take time to find a comfortable place in terms of fears about passing, rejection, whatever they may be. Answering those questions and coming to a place of strength and certainty is time well spent.

[Hikari]

I can relate. I came from a deeply messed up household where, it seemed like anything you did to get to your dreams would only have you swatted down by the cruel hand of fate. For many years, I did my very best to try to get rid of my feelings, I thought I could "fake it till I make it" and that the feelings I had would go away, but really what it did was entangle other people into a life with me that wasn't real. I learned then, that no matter what I tried I am what I am, no sense running from it.

When I first came here to Susans, I had a very hard time imagining I could ever pass, or that I would ever be strong enough to tell people I was trans, or ever have the financial ability to be independent much less fund transition. While it is all still a work in progress for me, I now believe all of these things very much achievable.

I hope your experience will follow that path too, and that you can gain the confidence you need to take charge and make whatever you want your life to be, the life you actually live. Welcome, we are here for you.

[muffinpants]

Hello there, and welcome! My only advice to you would be to seek out a therapist with a specialty in trans issues. It may seem like you can't imagine yourself being brave enough or strong enough to go through with transition, but I think when you form a good support network and have a good therapist, it can do wonders for you! It's so good that you are reaching out and looking for help/support for what sounds like a good decision for you... it's your life and you need to live it right! I hope you find the support you need here at Susan's.