I'm 3 years into transition, 4 years if you count the name change and male presentation before T, and sometimes I forget I'm even trans. I mean, I don't know if I feel like a cis-guy, but it feels like I've always been this way. It doesn't feel like 5 years ago I was straightening my hair and wearing eyeliner to class just to fit in.
Today was my last day of summer class (university) and a bunch of us went for drinks after and a few of us were talking and the topic of my transition came up. I'm pretty open about being transgender, and people talk, so a lot of people in my program know. Heck, I performed a monologue about it in a play in front of thousands of first years a couple years ago. Today I said it was weird that all of these people met me after I started T and never knew me as (femalename), but that the people I met in first year university in 2009 knew who I was before and watched me transition. I'm not really good friends with any of those people. All of my friends only know me as who I am now. These friends have seen pictures and heard clips of me singing, and they say I look and sound like me in both, just different genders. My mom says that too.
My dad thinks I'm going to wake up and regret this some day. I will admit that I sometimes have twinges of missing my soprano singing voice. I had trained for years. But at the same time, the voice I have now is truly my own. Maybe I won't be as great a singer, but to be me, that's pretty cool.
When I first found out what transgender was and said "whoa that's me!" part of me was worried that I was rushing into it because I was unhappy with myself. Or bored. I know that's ridiculous, but that's why I got therapy. I do admit that part of me thought I might have an easier time as an actor if I transitioned. But I told all of that to a psychologist and she helped me work through things to see if I was really transgender. Some days I do worry that I'll want to present as female again, and it will be harder now that my voice is deeper and I have facial hair. I'm going to try performing drag this fall to see if that's enough.
I do think transitioning was the right step for me, even if my trans narrative isn't the usual one that people would expect. 3 years in, I'm happier and more confident than I ever was.
Just a rant to people who might understand.
