Advice on Coming out to Wife

[katiej]

I'm a firm believer in learning from others' successes and failures.  So I'm coming to you all for some advice.

I have a wife and four kids, and until recently I never thought transition was even a possibility for me.  As far as I knew, transition was equal to losing them.  And that's not something I'm willing to do.

Late last year all in the course of a week I stumbled upon a blog by an MTF's wife and I found several others who have kept their marriages intact.  That same week we also learned that an old friend of ours had transitioned FTM and his wife stuck it out, and my wife was surprisingly open to the idea...for him anyway.

From that point on transition no longer seemed out of reach, and that's when the dysphoria kicked in big time.  For many years I had been able to mostly ignore it, but now it's not going away. So now I'm trying to figure out how to come out to my wife and then seeing where it leads.

I've read a lot of people's experience with the aftermath of coming out, but I'm really looking for some help on how to come out to my wife.  I know there's no way to soften the blow...it's going to come out of the blue.  But perhaps there is a way to do it gently.

What worked for all of you?  Or if you could do it again, what would you do differently?

[Jill F]

I never actually wore women's clothing until 2012, but I had always desired to present myself as female.  I always had long hair and pierced ears, but that is where it ended. One thing I knew was that if I did it behind her back, not only would I feel guilty, but if I was ever caught doing so, it would be seen as a kind of betrayal of trust that could seriously damage or even end my marriage.  One night, to my surprise, my wife wanted to put guyliner on me to make me look like a sexy rock star. I saw my reflection and almost died inside.  I saw the first glimpse of the real me, and she was heartbroken and sad.  Over the next few days, the dysphoria finally sent me over the edge into my meltdown and first hospitalization for drinking myself almost to death.   We both got really drunk again one night, and I let it slip that I thought I needed to try crossdressing to finally see why it was that I felt compelled to do so.  Maybe i would just feel silly and never do it again, and maybe there was something more to it.  I just said that I couldn't really know until I tried it.  I tried on some of her things with her blessing, and it really did make me feel a bit better.  The next day I had to admit to myself that I was truly gender variant.  I did not know to what extent, but I could no longer deny my female side to myself, and therefore my to wife.  She cried a bit, but seemed to wrap her head around it pretty quickly.  A couple of nights later, Jill was born and I tried to drink it all away again, waking up in the hospital once more with 30 stitches in my head  Shortly thereafter, I began dressing most of the time at home, found a therapist, got on a low dose of estrogen, discovered that i was probably a transsexual and went full time two months later.

My wife and I have no kids, but we just celebrated our 20th anniversary and plan to renew the vows for he 25th in a ceremony where the clothes are reversed.  We both ID as bisexual now...

[Olivia P]

Where i havent had to tell a significant other, i will give you this piece of advice.

I have found that when telling people about this, try to explain it from a scientific perspective, explain what is known about the truth of sex and gender, how its determined by a collection of variables, such as genes, mothers hormone balance during pregnancy, your exposure to other chemicals and some other factors. Also avoid using the common labels to describe things, as when people hear a label they usually immediately assign a whole bunch of assumptions and baggage to that, you instead want to encourage an open discussion about it, so that they learn about it in real time and have chance to put aside common misunderstandings.

Also something very important when telling those close to you, is to give them time and space to absorb the information, yes they may react with shock or so when you first tell them, but alot of the time if you give them the needed information, then give them space to process it people tend to open up more to the idea, which creates a platform of more in depth discussion.

Also finally, good luck.

[Eva Marie]

One thing I knew was that if I did it behind her back, not only would I feel guilty, but if I was ever caught doing so, it would be seen as a kind of betrayal of trust that could seriously damage or even end my marriage.

This is the way I always saw it, and I did the same as Jill - I was open and honest with my wife. As time passed and as I figured things out I always told my wife. The final straw came the day I accepted that I am a transsexual - I came home from therapy and told my wife what I was. She could not accept it and 110 days later she left me. Yeah, it hurt. A lot.

While I hate that she left me I know I did the right thing by being 100% honest with her. But life goes on and my new authentic life is way, way better than my old miserable life where my #1 goal was to drink myself to death. I have far more friends and I am socially very active which is a far cry from what my old self was capable of. And I *will* eventually find love again some day.

The divorce rate is very high among people that come out as trans. I really hope that you and your wife can work through this. Keep the lines of communication open and don't deceive her; once she discovers that you have been deceitful she will no longer trust you and your relationship is doomed.

[helen2010]

I'm a firm believer in learning from others' successes and failures.  So I'm coming to you all for some advice.

I have a wife and four kids, and until recently I never thought transition was even a possibility for me.  As far as I knew, transition was equal to losing them.  And that's not something I'm willing to do.

I've read a lot of people's experience with the aftermath of coming out, but I'm really looking for some help on how to come out to my wife.  I know there's no way to soften the blow...it's going to come out of the blue.  But perhaps there is a way to do it gently.

What worked for all of you?  Or if you could do it again, what would you do differently?

Katiej

This is a tricky situation and there is no sure fire approach which will guarantee that you will keep your family intact but I think that you can soften the blow.

In my case I was as honest as I could be but did not share my concerns and fears until I started to understand what was going on.   My wife was aware that I was not sleeping, that I was unhappy and more stressed than usual.   She knew that I was seeing a counsellor and then a specialist therapist.   Once I was diagnosed TG I discussed this with my wife.   We acknowledged our fears but agreed that we would communicate openly, honestly and respectfully.

While we both have had fears, uncertainty and a wide range of emotions we have moved forward. Trust is critical.  It must be protected and nurtured.   I think success may depend on the speed and extent of your likely transition.   I thought that I would seek a full transition and expected my marriage to fail, but over time I found that with low dose hrt that I was non binary and a binary transition was sub optimal.  As my wife is heterosexual with no bisexual tendency this meant that her sexuality was not discomfited.

Along the way I became a much happier person and a more attentive and supportive husband and father.   She now defends me when others are angry or critical of me, and says that our relationship is the best that it has ever been.  As she says we have both chosen each other and therefore reassessed and recommitted to our relationship which is no small thing.   I think our friendship, joint interests, shared vision etc were each important in providing a strong foundation to weather my MTA transition.

I wish you and your family all the very best of good fortune.  Seek good advice.   Communicate well.  Take small steps and share your fears and concerns.   Demonstrate your love and commitment every day.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jenna Marie]

Well, the method I chose went very badly, so I'm not gonna recommend it. (I gave her a book to read, then dropped it on her out of the blue.) However, your friend sounds like a good "in" to the idea - sort of start off by saying that you, too, would like to transition as he has, and you hope she'll support you.

Most importantly, I suggest giving her time and space to process the news (and this may mean she says some horrible or hurtful or ignorant things early on that you have to try not to hold against her later, b/c a spouse's first reactions are born of shock and often fear and not always very nice), and then try to communicate as often and honestly as possible. If you can stand to compromise on certain transition choices, that would probably help too, as long as it IS compromise and she's meeting you halfway - I waited to start HRT until my wife was ready, for example.

[helen2010]

Well, the method I chose went very badly, so I'm not gonna recommend it. (I gave her a book to read, then dropped it on her out of the blue.) However, your friend sounds like a good "in" to the idea - sort of start off by saying that you, too, would like to transition as he has, and you hope she'll support you.

Most importantly, I suggest giving her time and space to process the news (and this may mean she says some horrible or hurtful or ignorant things early on that you have to try not to hold against her later, b/c a spouse's first reactions are born of shock and often fear and not always very nice), and then try to communicate as often and honestly as possible. If you can stand to compromise on certain transition choices, that would probably help too, as long as it IS compromise and she's meeting you halfway - I waited to start HRT until my wife was ready, for example.

Jenna

Your approach reminds me of the way I thought and communicated before a marriage counsellor taught me how to communicate with my wife.   In the early days of marriage we were both frustrated with each other.   To her I didn't care, didn't listen to or understand her and I was frustrated as she wasn't acting on my analysis and 'solutions'.   

When later in our marriage I told my wife I had been diagnosed as TG - discussion and listening, allowing each to emote - vent, cry, rail at the unfairness of it all etc validated each other and allowed  us to move forward.  I should find my marriage counsellor and thank them for their early advice.

Ironically, post low dose hrt , I am also less interested in solutions and more interested in being heard, validated and understanding what is happening.

Aisla

[Jenna Marie]

Aisla : Funnily enough, my wife has always been the "here's option A, B, and C for fixing this problem" person and I've always been the one who wanted to cry and be patted sympathetically (yes, even pre-transition). Though we definitely had the same sort of frustrations you're describing, regardless!

The real problem was that I'd chosen a book in which [my wife thought that] the trans woman basically went full steam ahead into transition no matter how much it hurt her spouse, so my wife thought THAT was what I was planning, and panicked. And she was too upset to communicate the assumptions there, so I thought she didn't want me to transition... but thankfully, although it took her a lot of adjustment and a lot of tears, I was fully transitioned within the year and we're still very happily married.

[helen2010]

Aisla : Funnily enough, my wife has always been the "here's option A, B, and C for fixing this problem" person and I've always been the one who wanted to cry and be patted sympathetically (yes, even pre-transition). Though we definitely had the same sort of frustrations you're describing, regardless!

The real problem was that I'd chosen a book in which [my wife thought that] the trans woman basically went full steam ahead into transition no matter how much it hurt her spouse, so my wife thought THAT was what I was planning, and panicked. And she was too upset to communicate the assumptions there, so I thought she didn't want me to transition... but thankfully, although it took her a lot of adjustment and a lot of tears, I was fully transitioned within the year and we're still very happily married.

Jenna

LOL.  I confess my guilt.  There I was gendering behaviour and I got it completely wrong.   I really need to become more mindful if I expect others to extend the same courtesy to me.

Your post also underlines the importance of authentic, full and timely communication.. Don't assume, always listen, discuss and learn!

Aisla

[Jenna Marie]

Aisla : Heh, no worries. I will also freely admit that while I did get emotional pre-HRT, I had NO idea just *how* much emotions could run amok until I started estrogen!

Absolutely, good communication is essential.

[katiej]

Thanks so much for all of your help.  Your advice is invaluable.

Timely communication...and not hiding things.  That's what I'm afraid of.  My wife and I have always had good communication, although I admit that I'm not the best at talking about how I'm feeling.  But this secret is one that, until recently, I fully intended to take to my grave.  So honestly I really have been hiding a big part of myself from her...for a very long time.  I think it's understandable...I hope she does too.

I'm definitely not going behind her back on anything though.  For that reason I won't even see a therapist until I've talked with her about it. 

Another theme that I've noticed among those who have successfully held onto their marriages is that it wasn't a unilateral decision.  It seems that the cis spouse becomes a partner in the transition.  And even the decision to transition is really made as a team.  Was that the case for you guys?

One more question.  Some have warned about TMI in the initial disclosure.  How was it for you?  Obviously I'll have to answer a LOT of questions and do a LOT of explaining.  But it would seem that full disclosure is probably not in anyone's best interest.  What do you think?

[Jenna Marie]

Katie : I'd say that holding on to this secret until now is one thing, but continued hiding from here on is something else again. Your wife may well forgive and understand up to this point (that wasn't an issue for me, as I told my wife as soon as I figured it out myself), but I honestly *would* recommend full disclosure from now on, because one major issue I see spouses discuss is the feeling of betrayal - and if she finds out you're hiding other things, that could magnify the perceived betrayal or trust issues beyond repair. I told my wife honestly when I didn't know things, though; that I wasn't sure if I wanted surgery or hormones or social transition, etc. It was hard on her to be yanked around once I did decide, but at least she knew she was finding out as soon as I did. I guess it depends on what you mean by "full disclosure," though. If it's more a question of not telling her every stray thought to cross your mind, sure; I bet that'd get annoying fast for most people.

My wife was definitely my partner and biggest advocate in transition, although I don't know if I'd say the decision was made as a team... she wanted me to be happy enough that she went along with it, and I offered to stop if she couldn't stand it, but I think we both knew eventually that I wouldn't be able to turn back. Luckily for me, she was flexible enough to keep up, but she describes those days as "like being on a speeding train to an unknown destination." As for the questions/explaining, my wife was savvy enough to know what transgender issues are in general, so she was only worried about the specifics of our lives.

[katiej]

Jenna, I think that's a great way to describe it.  That's more like what I had in mind when I said it's a team effort.  Obviously by coming out I'm forcing this issue on her.  But I'm also not expecting to go full time next week.  It'll take me a year or two at least.

My wife is also pretty aware of TG issues, and I think she'd be similarly concerned about the specifics.  She's a planner.

We're in the middle of some pretty big changes.  I've started a small business, and we're wanting to move to a new city in the next few months.  With all of those changes I've been a bit torn on when to come out.  My thinking is that doing it now could make an already very uncertain situation even more uncertain.  But if I wait till things are more settled, it feels a bit deceptive...like I'm giving her the illusion of stability only to yank it away again.

And now what I'm hearing from you guys is that, in the interest of open communications, I really shouldn't wait any longer.  Right?

[Jill F]

Thanks so much for all of your help.  Your advice is invaluable.

Timely communication...and not hiding things.  That's what I'm afraid of.  My wife and I have always had good communication, although I admit that I'm not the best at talking about how I'm feeling.  But this secret is one that, until recently, I fully intended to take to my grave.  So honestly I really have been hiding a big part of myself from her...for a very long time.  I think it's understandable...I hope she does too.

I'm definitely not going behind her back on anything though.  For that reason I won't even see a therapist until I've talked with her about it. 

Another theme that I've noticed among those who have successfully held onto their marriages is that it wasn't a unilateral decision.  It seems that the cis spouse becomes a partner in the transition.  And even the decision to transition is really made as a team.  Was that the case for you guys?

One more question.  Some have warned about TMI in the initial disclosure.  How was it for you?  Obviously I'll have to answer a LOT of questions and do a LOT of explaining.  But it would seem that full disclosure is probably not in anyone's best interest.  What do you think?

Hi again,

I also intended to take my deepest, darkest secret to my grave.  In fact, I damned near did.  Twice.  OK, it wasn't a secret anymore the second time around, but I had real problems coming to terms with my true self.  I mean nobody wants to be transgender.  I sure didn't.  I was frankly scared sh*tless about how things might play out.  I had yet to see a therapist and I didn't think a successful transition was a remote possibility at all, but there I was, completely miserable and feeling like a woman with no possiblilty of ever being content with life.  I was getting to the point where I was indifferent to whether I had lived or died.

The reason I never told my wife until I was 43 was that although my dysphoria was always there, it was manageable for most of my life and transitioning was not even close to a necessity.  It just sort of always lingered there in the background, but I could keep it in check  It would have been nice to have begun transition before testosterone poisoned me, but I was basically OK and for the longest time I could have taken it all to my grave with nobody being any the wiser.

The problem is that gender dysphoria tends to be very progressive in nature.  When I married my wife, it was mostly just a small thing in the background.  Over time it developed into a raging monster that took center stage and it could no longer be ignored or suppressed no matter how much I tried to drink it away.   According to my therapist, her typical first time MTF client is around 40 and had recently lost a significant weight.

Trust me, you did not deceive your wife.  You had no idea this would ever happen to you.   The fact is that you essentially have a woman's brain and your estrogen receptors are starving.  I was shocked when my therapist told me that at bare minimum I really needed to take a low dose of estrogen for therapeutic reasons, transition or not.  Some of us can get away without a full transition and just taking a maintenance dose of E to keep from going nuts.   At first, this was my plan.  I wasn't sure that I was really transsexual material at first anyway, and that a non-binary identity would probably suit me just fine.  Androgyne, bigender, whatever...  My wife went to therapy with me and the whole thing was explained to her in clinical terms.  My therapist told her that I was going to need to take estrogen, and that there would be some changes that would be very positive for me, and that she would need to prepare herself for them.  My wife was also told that I may end up deciding that I need to transition fully one day and that my sexual orientation might shift a bit.  The fact was that I had no idea what would really happen until I took the estrogen.   Part of me didn't want to take it in the first place.   What would people think if I suddenly grew tits while presenting male?  Awk-ward... 

Part of me hoped that the estrogen would do nothing, or just make me irritable and worse like it would do to a cisguy.  That way I could just put trans out of my mind.  It would have been so much simpler if it turned out that I was just a weirdo or a run-of-the-mill pervert in the end. 

On Jan 22, 2013 I bit the bullet and took my first dose.  Two hours later, that snowballing sh*tstorm in my head that had plagued me since I was 12 was all but gone.  I felt a kind of peace and lightness that I hadn't felt since the testosterone smacked me upside the head early in the 7th grade.  My wife immediately noticed that I was truly happy for the first time ever.  Now she would not trade me back for him in a million years.  No more anger, irritability, rage, anxiety, depression or panic attacks.  Who knew I was truly such a sunny, happy person?  I sure didn't.

Even if you never transition physically, may I recommend trying a therapeutic dose of estrogen? 

Also, you don't know how far this needs to go until you start taking the little steps, just one at a time.  When you get comfortable, you can always stop.   People sometimes regret going too far with it when you can't go back.  We have people here who got the "whole shebang" who now realize they made a big fat mistake.   I am all for the baby steps, and I'm not even sure how far it goes.  So far I've been full time since March 2013, on a full transitioning dose of HRT since last July and am scheduled to go "balls out" in 3 weeks.   I will cross the other bridges when I get to them.   Hell, I'm 45 now and if there's one thing I've learned from all of this is patience.

All the best to you and your wife,
Jill

[ChelseaAnn]

I'll admit I didn't read all the responses. But, I don't think it was touched upon (from glancing). When you come out to your wife, you are coming out to your in laws as well. My wife tried to keep it private with a compromise. Her parents didn't know until I told her I needed to transition. Then she went home and the beans were spilled. I went through a lot of hell with them, and still do to some extent. Lucky they don't live in the same state.
as for how. Just gotta do it. No matter how many scenarios or ways to say it you think of, you will find yourself dodging it. I planned to tell her after I'd gotten in 10 of my 12 sessions. But I couldn't take the secret, and I told my mom. At that point, the snowball was pushed and the inevitable had to happen.
we're still together, and I'll likely start transition next year. It's been rough, but remember to give her time. It might look bad, but my wife and I had started planning for divorce and selling our house for almost 2 months before we decided to give it a try and see how we worked out.

[Jill F]

It is true that my wife valued her relationship with me over the rest of her family.   We sort of came out to everyone at once when I had decided after a few weeks of being full time that it was going to be PermaJill come hell or high water.  No more fake dude, no more guy clothes ever again.  We were prepared for the worst, but when she reassured her family that I was in such a better place now, that we were still solid as ever and that she actually liked me better as a woman and as a whole human being, instead of a dysunctional fraction thereof.  That was all they needed to know and it was fine.  In fact, we didn't lose any of her family to unacceptance or bigotry at all.  None of them are religious, mind you, but they are pretty much all Republicans.

[sad panda]

Uh, just be honest. How she reacts is completely, 100% out of your control and you should accept that. You should value her real feelings enough to not try to control them at all. It's her life too, she deserves to know who she's sharing it with and to form her own opinion without any guilt.

[JoanneB]

I can tell you that even a spouse who is intimately aware of transsexualism and even aware of her spouse having tried that dance and decided on 'Just a CD' will have difficulties when the T-Bomb is dropped. I also know a spouse who is mildly enlightened (social worker) just finding your stash of clothes may totally freak out. An SO initially being cool upon being told that you are TG, even doing some play in bed with it may suddenly (to you at least) decide to end things.

When you come out you will likely totally shatter her mental and emotional image of you as a person. Likely followed by her questioning herself, her lack of 'seeing the clues' followed by it had to be you being a world class liar and fraud. Therefore nothing that was ever said, and will be said can be trusted. There is no predicting how both of your actions will play out in the short term, much less the long.

It has been 5 years now since I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife, BFF, spiritual advisor, teacher, and reality therapist of 30 plus years. She always knew I cd'd, even seen me dressed and in a limited way helped me. At best it was a once a month affair, an escape from maleness for me. Over time much less so to none as spare time become rarer then hens teeth. Only recently as she sees the effects of all the personal growth I acheived, thanks to her laying a good groundwork for me, the positive changes in me as a person, is she becoming 'comfortable' with Joanne. Plenty of not so thrilled things starting with the uncertain future. I cannot call yet which fork in the road I'll take if/when the time comes nor can she about staying by my side.

What has carried us this far is our deep love for eachother, valuing the others happiness and desires above our own, and LOTS of open and honest communication and being able to dance along that knife edge of sharing what is uncomfortable while avoiding TMI.

[katiej]

I think I'll actually be ok with the in-laws.  My mother-in-law is fantastic!  It'll take some adjustment, but she's overly nice and overly helpful...which can sometimes be annoying.  My father-in-law on the other hand is a proud redneck.  I'm a little nervous about him, but he could surprise me.

The reason I never told my wife until I was 43 was that although my dysphoria was always there, it was manageable for most of my life and transitioning was not even close to a necessity.  It just sort of always lingered there in the background, but I could keep it in check  It would have been nice to have begun transition before testosterone poisoned me, but I was basically OK and for the longest time I could have taken it all to my grave with nobody being any the wiser.

The problem is that gender dysphoria tends to be very progressive in nature.  When I married my wife, it was mostly just a small thing in the background.  Over time it developed into a raging monster that took center stage and it could no longer be ignored or suppressed no matter how much I tried to drink it away.   According to my therapist, her typical first time MTF client is around 40 and had recently lost a significant weight.

This is a very accurate description of that last 20 years of my life.  Dysphoria was most manageable when I was really busy -- finishing my degree, grad school, starting a business.  But for the last two years I've not had something like that to throw myself into, and it left a big hole that dysphoria gladly filled. 

At first I just will-powered my way through it because I decided early on that my family was more important to me than transitioning.  But when I discovered that others were able to keep their families intact, suddenly my excuses just disappeared. 

Dysphoria hasn't driven me to drinking -- at least not more than usual -- but I have been sleeping a lot more than normal.  I used to function on 4-5 hours a night.  Last night I slept 13 hours.  And I'm thinking about taking a nap after I'm done with this post. 

My wife has been concerned about all the sleeping, cause she knows something's not right.  She has also been annoyed with all the sleeping.  Maybe some low dose E would help.

[helen2010]

This is a very accurate description of that last 20 years of my life.  Dysphoria was most manageable when I was really busy -- finishing my degree, grad school, starting a business.  But for the last two years I've not had something like that to throw myself into, and it left a big hole that dysphoria gladly filled. 

Maybe some low dose E would help.

E has certainly helped me find peace.

Aisla