Advice on Coming out to Wife

[Jill F]

I think I'll actually be ok with the in-laws.  My mother-in-law is fantastic!  It'll take some adjustment, but she's overly nice and overly helpful...which can sometimes be annoying.  My father-in-law on the other hand is a proud redneck.  I'm a little nervous about him, but he could surprise me.


This is a very accurate description of that last 20 years of my life.  Dysphoria was most manageable when I was really busy -- finishing my degree, grad school, starting a business.  But for the last two years I've not had something like that to throw myself into, and it left a big hole that dysphoria gladly filled. 

At first I just will-powered my way through it because I decided early on that my family was more important to me than transitioning.  But when I discovered that others were able to keep their families intact, suddenly my excuses just disappeared. 

Dysphoria hasn't driven me to drinking -- at least not more than usual -- but I have been sleeping a lot more than normal.  I used to function on 4-5 hours a night.  Last night I slept 13 hours.  And I'm thinking about taking a nap after I'm done with this post. 

My wife has been concerned about all the sleeping, cause she knows something's not right.  She has also been annoyed with all the sleeping.  Maybe some low dose E would help.

During my meltdown, when I wasn't drunk, I was in bed trying to escape it.  When I wasn't able to sleep, I would just curl up in a fetal position and  cry, hugging a teddy bear. 

November '12- Jan '13 was just awful for me.  All I did was drink, sleep, eat and cry.  If I hadn't seen a therapist when I did, I know I'd be dead by now.  The next time I tried to drink myself to death probably would have involved pills and I would have succeeded.

The therapist and low dose saved my life, but it made me realize I could live the lie no longer.  I am so fortunate to be finally able to enjoy life.  I am so grateful to still be here and be happy for the first time without drugs or booze since I was 12.

[rfhaas]

I am pretty much in your same boat. I have been denying my inner self for years,  act overly macho to compensate for my low self esteem caused by my dysphoria. I finally realized I am on the verge of.self destructing and started to research, hence I am now here on Susan's Place (I love it) I took some advice and got in quickly with a therapist. Had the first appt yesterday. Coming out to her(therapist)  was a huge relief and her advice.to take it slow, while a little dissappointing,.takes the pressure off. I want to get if over with but I realize.I.need.to.be prepared.  Hopefully in a few months I.will be posting.that I am.fully out and it went well. Keep us posted.

[BeingSonia]

Some wives react violently.
I told my girlfriend (to be wife later) from an early start in the dating phase that well, I crossdressed and I was actually a woman and not a man inside.
She kind of ignored it.
I rarely crossdressed in her presence. Waiting she would go to her yoga class and what not.
5 years later, I decided to see a gender specialized therapist. She was OK with it, thinking I was just confused.
When I told her was starting the procedure to get on hormones and that I decided to transition, everthying melted down.
She became really angry and even threated me with suicide if I was going on that road.
Now, it's getting better. She sees a different therapist on her side.
We set rules and conditions to my transition.
Like my mom think I'm killing her son, she thinks I'm killing her husband and everything that goes with it.
It's true in a sense.
I involved my wife in every steps I took so far but took the decisions myself, which can be seen as selfish.
It is selfish.
I think you should tell your wife from the get go, even before seing a therapist.
The glass will crack but not shatter suddenly.

[warlockmaker]

I remember coming out to my wife, I was seperated with her at that time but we tried to spend time with our 12 year old daughter together in my family's villa in Phuket, Thailand. Just a brief background, I was a true Alpha male in sports and the business world, not in her wildest imagination would she have suspeced that I was a TG but I understand many of us fit this profile. I had already been talking with therapists for over 2 years and was just starting HRT and still in the early euphoric stage.

I dont drink or smoke cigarettes but smoke weed and have done so for over 30 years. So we were sitting outside watching the sunset over the sea's horizon and wth the HRT came a new empathy and she sensed that I was happy and at peace - she claims I used to be intense, agressive and she felt I had an internal struggle that I was not telling her. So I slowly raised the subject of my family and the gender issues that pervedes many of my family in that many are gay. She first said "you are not gay. are you?"  I responded "no,  but I do have a really dark secret that I have kept to myself and I feel I need to discuss this with you". So the long discussion began. After an hour or so we stopped and had dinner and she said this was quite a shock and she needed time to bring herself up to speed on ths subject. I also suggested that she have a chat with my therapist if she wanted to know more.

That evening she came to my suite and said "you are happier, you have new found empathy and more at peace with yourself than ever before, thats all we can ask for and while I am in a state of shock I will digest this. I fully support you and will always be with you". She has since been quite involved in my transition, in looks and in many instances how my behavior can be modified to be more feminine. She love my new mind and newfound empathy. She can't wait for my FFS and wants work done to her also at the same time. We have become partners again since.

[katiej]

Warlock, that's an amazing story!  So are you two back together now?

I think you should tell your wife from the get go, even before seing a therapist.
The glass will crack but not shatter suddenly.

That's what I'm thinking.  The consensus seems to be that it's better to come clean as early as possible, and then allow her to be as involved in the transition as she is willing to be.  So therapy definitely has to follow coming out.

[warlockmaker]

Yes we are back together again. I fell in love with her and I believe that love made both of us want to be together - its just that I was so difficult with my intense nature and being unsure of myself that I released my anger towards her until it broke. Now I am at peace and we are happy together.

I believe you need to tell her asap and discuss this. My wife also signed up on TG forums to understand more, and spoke to my therapist. She never needed to understand before even though in Phuket TGs are everywhere.

[ashley_thomas]

You can improve your odds and make whatever transition she's comfortable with easier but ultimately the success of your relationship is dependent upon her base reaction. If she's open minded, has some fluidity in her sexuality and is not opposed to being seen in the world as a lesbian then it has a real chance which may be improved by your thoughtfulness, your joint communication and problem solving skills.

We're 17 years together and in a very strong marriage and I'm 30-40% into a low dose/long term transition. She wants me to speed it up, we have financial issues to consider that has me choosing to go slower.

[katiej]

It's interesting that you mention finances, as that really is a big consideration for me as well.  I have to position myself just right if I stand a chance of supporting my wife and kids through transition.  I'm working for a startup that looks like it could be my ticket to having the money and flexibility to make it happen.  Otherwise I'd need to get a job in a LGBT-friendly company...preferably with good benefits 

So I'm not in a position to say screw it and go full time asap.  And I think I'd much prefer a more measured approach to transition anyway.

Another consideration that I have to get over is the idea that coming out is selfish.  She really carried us financially while I went to grad school.  And our agreement is that it's now her turn, and she's finally going back to school next year to finish her degree.  I can't help but feel like I'm yanking our attention back to me.

But I'm really thinking too far into the future.  None of this happens until I'm out.  Yikes!

[ashley_thomas]

My philosophy has been to make transition a net positive for her as it is with me already. She feels a great benefit and protecting our financial future together is a big part of it.  We have three young kids and though she's no stranger to self reliance, she also likes that we both can bring home cash. If my career drops with out a replacement, we begin to feel real pain financially and that's just not good for us. So I'm on a long transition plan but the pace has been fine for me.

[ashley_thomas]

I don't want you to get too high of hopes... It is a rare person that can join us on this journey. They are out there, but still rare.  I still believe the qualities of open mindedness, fluidity in sexuality (not necessarily bi), willingness to been viewed by the public as a lesbian and I'd add loyalty are huge components and may even be required components to a successful marriage in transition. It's only my working theory but my wife has all of those and it's worked out well.  Being a well rounded person yourself that she deeply loves and enjoys helps too.  But in the end, there is little you can do, she will be consistent with her character and personality in a very difficult time.  I would study up on her and be brutally honest with yourself about your chances before opening your mouth and saying that intro line... "Honey I have something I need to share with you..."

[katiej]

Ashley, that's great advice.  I really appreciate the way you break it down.  I understand that there's really no way to soften the initial blow, but I think that the more I consider her feelings and understand her (potential) point of view, the better prepared I'll be to navigate such a difficult thing.

Open minded -- my wife is very open to LGBT issues.  A friend of ours is FTM and she's been very supportive...for him anyway.  Also, my dad pastored an LGBT church for about ten years, and my wife and I have even talked about maybe doing something like that someday.  So hopefully her open mind stays open when it becomes personal.

Fluidity in sexuality (not necessarily bi) -- This is the wildcard.  I have no idea here.

Willingness to be viewed by the public as a lesbian -- I'm very aware that I'm asking her to switch teams.  And I think there's a good chance that this won't be a deal breaker...once we get the idea past her family, that is.  Interestingly, our FTM friend is married to a woman.  So her wife had to go the opposite direction.

Loyalty -- I don't know anyone who is more loyal than my wife.  So this potentially works in my favor, that is unless she perceives my coming out as a violation of her loyalty.   

[JoanneB]

Loyalty -- I don't know anyone who is more loyal than my wife.  So this potentially works in my favor, that is unless she perceives my coming out as a violation of her loyalty.   

Definitely the wild card if there is any. A lot of uncontrolled  emotions can be initially unleashed when the T-Bomb is dropped. There is no one in this world more loyal to me than my wife, plus she never wants to stand between me and my happiness. Yet, it took a while for a very pro-trans person to get over feelings of being lied to and betrayal.

Even now, several years later, there is the occasional quip along the line of "If I knew back when that...". Overall our relationship and our love for eachother is the strongest it has  been. Every step I've taken so far is a net positive for not just myself but also for us.

[ashley_thomas]

Yeah, if she sees it as a lie and betrayal then there is a long road ahead if it works. 

My partner was overwhelmed with feeling how difficult it was for me and that really was due to her coach like personality I think. She simply didn't start with self focus but focus on me so she didn't feel betrayed, she felt honored I trusted her with my revelation

[katiej]

I really appreciate everyone's help in this thread.  Your advice has been valuable and very useful.

I've been trying for months to figure out how to come out to my wife.  Well...apparently she found a pair of heels....and they weren't hers.  She confronted me a few days ago, and it all came out.  I definitely didn't want it to go down that way.  I wish I had been the one to bring it up, but that's how it happened.  And she said it actually helped her to have a couple days before we talked.  She spent a few days putting together the clues and so she wasn't blindsided by the conversation.

Thanks to all of you it actually went very well.  She said it hurts that I lied, but she understands why I've kept it a secret.  And it really helped that I've never talked to anyone else about it.

I won't go into great detail, but I can definitely say that this thread gave me some good tools and helped me to better understand her frame of mind.

The most important thing for me was the understanding that I've had years to come to terms with this.  I've also researched the crap out of it.  But this is brand new to her, and aside from a very general acceptance of transgender people, she doesn't really know that much about it.  For instance, tonight we were talking about living life after transition, and she didn't even know that stealth was a possibility.  I can only assume she was imagining me looking as I do now walking around town in a dress.  Yikes!

So over the last few days she has asked questions and seems to be opening up...albeit very slowly.  She found the shoes and must have assumed (correctly) that I have more clothes, and tonight she actually told me I should keep them in the closet and I shouldn't have to hide it anymore.  It was a HUGE gesture on her part, and it felt like a really big step for me...bringing something out into the open that I've worked really hard to hide for 25 years.  So tonight I put most of my clothes in the closet. 

As I've thought about coming out for the last month or so, one other bit of advice stuck out to me and it came in handy.  There's a difference between full disclosure and TMI.  And I never really understood quite what that meant until we had "the talk".  There was a point in the conversation where I started to explain something that she hadn't even asked about.  I thought it was relevant, but her head was spinning and she was barely able to keep up.  I should have answered questions and kept my mouth shut otherwise.  That's when I realized where that fine line was.  Full disclosure means being honest but being mindful of the right timing.  I came close to TMI, and I'm glad I backed off.  At the heart of it is the idea that this conversation was about her...not about me.

This is a long post...but oh well.

One last thing is that I have noticed that the couples that survive transition seem to usually work together as a team, and to one extent or another the SO is part of the decision-making process.  I hope to someday transition, but I've made no decisions and I'm determined to keep her involved.  And I think I've got a good shot.

Next step...therapy!  And boy do I need it. 

[katiej]

I do have one more question for all of you.  For those of you whose SO's stuck it out, have you been able to continue an intimate relationship?

At this point my wife isn't too keen on the idea of becoming a lesbian.  As we said, this is really a wildcard.  She's fine with the public perception, but she says she's never been into girls. 

For those of you who have kept your marriage intact, did your spouse have a similar initial reaction?  In other words, is there even a chance that my wife could change her mind about this?

[Jenna Marie]

First of all, sorry it came out that way, but it sounds like things went REALLY well! I'm so happy for you, and I hope it continues to play out with her being understanding and supportive. Your willingness to compromise and listen to her feelings and communicate is a huge part of that good reaction, I'm sure.

Well... my wife preferred women to begin with, so I'm not a good example of what you're hoping for. I do know several cis women who ended up deciding they could make an exception/be flexible, though; for them, the hardest part was being perceived publicly as a lesbian, and your wife has accepted that. So there's hope. She may not ever choose to be with *another* woman, but she could find ways to maintain her attraction to you.

[JoanneB]

My wife will gladly tell you; "I did not marry a woman. I like what men have. I like what they do. I can't imagine you using a ____. (TMI?)". At this point between being a pre-Jurasaic dinosaur, her health issues, and a few years on HRT and AA's I doubt I'll ever be able to perform as a male. She will still toss out out the occassional "Maybe someday we'll have sex again" remark. Truth though is there are limiting factors on both our parts.

In time we'll see. Right now job Number 1 is getting her better and me figuring out what fork in the road I may take some day

[ashley_thomas]

Sorry I didn't come back to this thread for so long. We are intimate. She considers our sex lesbian and has in retrospect for a few years. Hormone changes haven't been terribly difficult for her but at first it was awkward when my breasts started coming in. Now it's no big deal.  We had to work through "it's not your fault" as my physical responses changed and we're close that being resolved.  I think the same keys matter, open mindedness and fluidity in her sexuality make a ton of sense but so does loyalty if you think about it.  It may sound crass, but make sure she feels great every time you are together and the first I don't know, 2 dozen times be okay with one sided pleasure if need be - meet her needs and if she's got it in her (which she may not) then she may come around to yours in a different way. I just made the bedroom like anything else, net positive for her in all respects. Seems to work but again she's being true to her character so I only get minimal credit.