So, it slipped.
I slipped. Kind of. It needed to happen, I needed to say what was on my mind for the majority of my life- I knew the words, I even practiced it religiously- it was an end all for my insanity.
I decided to make a video to showcase myself, and my desire to transition. I created it on my cell phone while I was at my parents house in an oath to feel more and more comfortable with the way that I am. I wasn't planning on it being seen by anyone, but unfortunately, I didn't put much thought into how deceptively nosy my mom has always been (for good reasons, but god. |:).
She saw the video and remarked coyly about it, for a second. I remained calm, poised, but internally I was on fire. She asked if this was all true, what I said, and I.... I chickened out. I didn't feel brave, I felt dumb. It wasn't on my own terms, my big reveal. I needed it to be, I needed a plan to go about it.
So I lied a big lie, a fib that was honestly pretty gory in detail- but it was well detailed, so apparently I'm good on my feet. :/ For better or worse.
"Oh good!" She exclaimed with relief, and following that she said "I was so worried, because god does -not- make mistakes." Of course I'm well equipped with a rebuttal, but by that time I felt as though all of my energy was sapped from my body. I felt like a shell, and so I took my car and drove off to recollect myself.
As far as I know, she's chosen to be blind about the truth. She's seen me, every 'phase' of mine, it's been leading to this- I still feel so sick inside, that I have to say something... but my throat closes up, every time.
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I know my family would be able to come around eventually, should I ever tell them (and I will... it's just a matter of when, which is very open-ended at the moment). My problem is, and I think this is the case for a vast majority of transgender folk out there- why should it be a waiting game? I realize that my family hadn't put much thought into what it actually means to be transgender, because they essentially had no reason to. I'm just worried to lose respect from my family, even if it's for a short while- it'll still feel like forever to me.
