Pre-Surgery Jitters?

[fatalerror]

I've been presenting as male for several years and experienced strong gender dysphoria ever since I was four or five, with no outside factors that really could have contributed to it. I've been binding for three years and it's starting to deal damage to my body as my day job requires long hours and I bind every day for close to 14 hours because of it. I do my best to make sure I have a safe binder, but my shoulders and neck are in pain a lot, and I have a chronic cough which may or may not be related. My endocrinologist who prescribed my HRT expressed concern that I need to get top surgery and I need to do it soon.

I know this is going to be very uncommon among trans men, but while I had wanted surgery for a very long time, I've started to feel more worried about the fact that there is no going back. Again, I'm very confident in the fact that I have always been a man. My dysphoria is very intense mostly over my genitals (the penis envy is strong in this one, hahah), and still very heavy when it comes to my voice, hips, thighs, even the curve of my face. My chest causes me the most issues when I'm conscious of it moving when I'm not binding, but I love the sensation to my nipples, I love the feeling when my partner's hands are cupped around my chest. I don't feel it as breasts as much as just my chest when we're together. Unfortunately I have no choice but to bind constantly in order to safely go outside.

HRT is helping me already, I've felt much less anxiety and I am glad to have been moving forward. I am loving the changes to my voice, the start of more body and facial hair, the changes that are helping my bottom dysphoria. And don't get me wrong, I want so badly to be able to be shirtless at the pool or beach, to not feel the sagging tissue on my chest when I'm not binding, to feel my shirt against bare skin even when I'm not at home, to not HAVE to bind in the first place when it makes me so tired and uncomfortable. I guess that just in the past month or so (I started hormones about 3 months ago if that weighs in on anything, and I'm in my first relationship in which I've actually felt comfortable enough to be physical albeit not completely sexual with another person) that I've started to feel less repulsed over my chest. Not that I'm in love with it, just that with my partner, I'm actually not as distressed.

I guess there's just this part of me now that things are moving towards it (I haven't scheduled anything yet, I am still working on gathering the funds) that I'm nervous to be unsatisfied or distressed because my chest lacks sensation or I feel a sense of loss from it. The sensitivity is VERY important to me. I've read about procedures that won't sever the nerves, but I worry that I'm too large for that (38 inches around or so, and my nipples are very large, too large to look normal on a male chest most likely).

Has anybody else had these kinds of feelings? It bothers me, because as a trans man, I feel like I'm not supposed to feel this way. But I also really don't want to make a mistake that I can't undo (how could it be a mistake though, when I know I am a man, have never been nervous about this until just recently, and must pass properly to be safe?). I live in Florida so I am planning on surgery with Dr. Garramone, I'm sure the wait will be long and will give me time to think more. But it's just disorienting having this feeling when I am very much a binary man without question.

[aleon515]

Well obviously your feelings are valid and there is nothing unusual. Having stronger lower dysphoria is also not atypical, imo. I didn't feel this way but I'm sure there are those who do feel this way. I think just the fact that they are a part of your body and not diseased. There's a cultural bias that you shouldn't do surgery on somethign like that. I felt VERY scared of getting the bandages off in case I had "made a mistake" and might miss them (even though I hated them). This didn't happen at all, and I looked down and immediately felt "that's the way it should be". I wasn't worried due to any actual feelings for them, but that I "might" feel that way.

With a chest that large it isn't likely that T will help that much. In fact, to me it didnt' help at all. (But some people say it does.)

It's possible that the procedures keep the nipples without reattaching, usually they say about C cup is the limit to when that works. Obviously there are no guarantees. I know someone who had a peri who has less feeling than I do. But I do not have erotic sensation.

Don't assume it would be a long wait with Dr Garramone. It was 2 months for me. He pretty much does a standard DI procedure only.

--Jay

[Kreuzfidel]

I've not felt like this personally, but I wouldn't say it's abnormal.

Have you spoken to your therapist about your feelings?

[Ayden]

I'm 6 weeks away from surgery with Dr. G. (Just got my tickets set and paying the rest of the fee tomorrow). My only real dysphoria is my chest, as I am not willing to potentially lose all sexual feeling and I doubt I would ever have the money for lower surgeries.

I'm in a stable, happy marriage with my husband and I won't lie; I do enjoy the sensations in my chest. It's one of the few erogenous zones I have. My husband and I have both discussed what we would do and how he and I will feel if I do lose all sensation. It is a risk associated with surgery of any kind. If it does happen, I won't be happy about it. But the way I see it is this: I can't bind forever since I'm missing out on so much of my life already. Physically the binding is hurting my ribs, neck and back. I have to be very careful about food since I've developed some acid reflux problems in the last year. When I compare losing sensation vs. living normally, there really is only one option for me. I think fear of surgery and potential loss of sensation is probably very normal. I can't say that I like my chest and I'm really excited to have it gone. I worry that I will maybe regret it if the surgery goes wrong, but it's a risk I am willing to take.

If you have a therapist, you may want to y'all to them about your concerns. Talk with your partner and see how they feel. Talking toons really helped to ease my concerns.

[Ayden]

Talk to a therapist* and talking to my partner*

For some reason the forum won't let me edit posts. God, I sound like a doofus. Sorry for the typos

[fatalerror]

"I think just the fact that they are a part of your body and not diseased. There's a cultural bias that you shouldn't do surgery on somethign like that."

Yeah I think this could be a big part of it. I have a -really- nice chest and I can't deny that much. It's not mine, but still. If only we had the technology to give it to the ladies who would want to make use of it? Hahah. Thanks for the input.

Good luck Ayden! My bottom dysphoria is a force to be reckoned with, but I don't plan on surgery unless it can be greatly improved as well (I'm too afraid of damage, and the cost is way too high for me too). And I can see what you're saying, for sure. Sometimes I tell myself I can just put up with the pain but I know in the long run it's going to drastically damage things. Seeing it that way does help to ease things, even if I will be completely devastated if I lose feeling.

I don't have a therapist anymore since I moved but I might consider seeking one out, my previous therapist simply saw me for 2 and a half hours before writing me a T letter and we didn't say much really, so I haven't really had much therapy. Thanks for the help guys.

[Mattfromengland]

Hey I had real fears just before my surgery that I might regret it. I'd kind of learnt to live with and put up with what I had. I thought I was doing ok, but knew I always felt 100 % male inside. Also being gay meant that as a women attracted to men my chest was one thing the guys liked!!! (Obviously being seen as a gay man is different, but I spent nearly 40 years living as a female). So I was worried I would miss things, feeling, worried about losing sensation. Lots of things. Right up up until the last minute (in fact later than that, as I was still telling myself I could pull out while sat on the operating table before being put under, but then didn't even know they'd put me under. Next thing I knew I woke up having not made the final decision to go ahead - Oops too late!!!!!!)

However from the moment I woke up, thinking, woah, it's done, too late now, I have loved my chest and never regretted it!!! Seriously. I didn't realise quite how much I needed this doing until after it was done.

I was worried that the scars might bug me. I have seen hundreds of pic and vids so knew what to expect, but how would I react when I saw those scars on my own chest? You know what? In my reveal with Dr G, I didn;t even notice the scars. I looked at my chest, and at my pecs. Dr G left the room, I looked some more, we took some more pictures and I put my shirt on. It was then I realised I hadn't even checked out where the incisions were. I undud my shirt to take a look. I am sooooooo unbothered by them, and I have spent the last month every second I'm at home admiring my new chest in the mirror, I am sooooooo happy!!!!!!

From what you've said you sound like me (apart from me doing everything quickly, as this time last year I had no intention of transitioning). I reckon you will be fine!!!!!

[Mattfromengland]

This was my thread where I was bricking it (in case it helps!). I think it's normal to feel like that, it's a huge step, and it's one we have to decide to make which is what makes us worry about regret. If we were ill and had to have the surgery to save our lives then there's no risk (or little) of regret. This is sooooo different. Yet in fact we don't have a choice, it's something we need to do!!!

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,165246.0.html

[fatalerror]

Thanks so much for the reassurance! I'm glad I'm not the only one, it seems like a lot of people are so absolutely sure and have no thoughts on possibly regretting it or worrying that sensation will be lost...I thought I was so sure until I started actually getting ready to schedule it and it got harder, heh. Part of it probably has to do with the fact that my partner is also male and likes my chest, but he's already said he doesn't see it as any loss at all and wants me to get it done. And my family always liked my rack, though it just makes me feel kinda sick to think about, honestly. :\ Thank you, I'm glad it went well for you and you felt happy with your decision afterward!

[aleon515]

I'm pretty sure that most of us have experienced anxiety and fears of some kind or other. I suppose you could do a search of susan's with some key words like top surgery and anxiety, fear, jitters, worries, etc etc. I'd be surprised if you wouldn't have a hundred or so of them. I think i posted one.

--Jay

[Felix]

No feeling or fear is abnormal or unique. You are definitely not alone.