non binary and SRS

[Umiko]

i made a post before but i cant find it or do i remember the exact name to search it up so i'll just restart. SRS has been popping into my mind lately and i have a strong connection to my male side so hormones is one thing but to get rid of that only part that reminds me of my maleness isnt something i desire to do but than again, i'm always trying to cut it off. i wouldnt mind the traveling, the surgery, the recovery or even the dilation but there's this part of me that is stopping me. i said i was going to wait, i said even though i can get the money that i wouldnt even think about it but its becoming harder and harder. i dont see my therapist often so thats why i need advice. what should i do. i dont want to leave with these thoughts of cutting it off because of my high uncomfortability but yet i dont want to get with of it because its a male part thus it gives me that sense of safety and security. i'm just trying to figure out if going full time is really worth it just to achieve SRS and nothing more or is it something that would seriously benefit me in the long run that i wont feel i'm wasting my time and i'm achieving something important

[Kaelin]

Cutting things off can cause you to bleed to death.  Don't do that.

In what ways do you feel a connection to maleness despite wanting to replace your penis with a vagina?  It is important to not confuse having certain masculine characteristics with not being a woman, and on the flip side, it is tremendously important to make sure that SRS is actually the right solution to the impulses you are feeling (because it's not reversible).  There are women who are androgynous or outright masculine, so it's possible to have an identity along those lines.  If you feel you're closer to androgyne, though, you might consider why it's important to change bits around.

Putting aside issues of money and travel and whatever else, who do you see yourself as when you envision "full time?"  Don't just think about escaping from where you are (although you sometimes have to do that in life) -- what are you looking for?  If you aren't yet sure of what you're after, you may want to keep your options open.

[Umiko]

Cutting things off can cause you to bleed to death.  Don't do that.

In what ways do you feel a connection to maleness despite wanting to replace your penis with a vagina?  It is important to not confuse having certain masculine characteristics with not being a woman, and on the flip side, it is tremendously important to make sure that SRS is actually the right solution to the impulses you are feeling (because it's not reversible).  There are women who are androgynous or outright masculine, so it's possible to have an identity along those lines.  If you feel you're closer to androgyne, though, you might consider why it's important to change bits around.

Putting aside issues of money and travel and whatever else, who do you see yourself as when you envision "full time?"  Don't just think about escaping from where you are (although you sometimes have to do that in life) -- what are you looking for?  If you aren't yet sure of what you're after, you may want to keep your options open.

yes, i'm aware of others are happy with hormones but whenever i think of myself, i always see myself, well the way i am but with a vagina.  my connections to my male self are more so of dependence. whenever i get picked on, my male side comes out and puts the people picking on me in their place, whenever i get scared, my male side comes to the rescue and i become brave, and even when i cry, my male side pops up and calms me down. its like an alter ego and is to intertwined with my existence that even if a little disappears, i die. honest full time to me is a complete name change and using your preferred gender marker and name on legal documents, as far as dressing is concerned, i dont like being bound by gender targeted clothes for really even cis girls wear male clothes or andro clothes. its rare that females follow traditional gender targeted activities in which makes me concerned because if i do go full time, being bound will only make me feel worse.

[Kaelin]

Standing up for yourself, being brave, and calming down are things *all* people are capable of.  It doesn't matter whether they are men, women, or with another identity, and you shouldn't feel that you have to shift to a male identity in order to be strong.  Power and empathy are things all people can have despite whatever gender-related stereotypes people have about them, and you shouldn't let a stereotype hold you back from who you really are.

That said, if you feel that your gender identity does shift in a way not grounded in stereotypes, you want to understand it as well as you can.  Will your "alter ego" still be at home with the new anatomy you have in mind?

[Umiko]

Standing up for yourself, being brave, and calming down are things *all* people are capable of.  It doesn't matter whether they are men, women, or with another identity, and you shouldn't feel that you have to shift to a male identity in order to be strong.  Power and empathy are things all people can have despite whatever gender-related stereotypes people have about them, and you shouldn't let a stereotype hold you back from who you really are.

That said, if you feel that your gender identity does shift in a way not grounded in stereotypes, you want to understand it as well as you can.  Will your "alter ego" still be at home with the new anatomy you have in mind?

yes thats very true. it just seems like people expect me to say i want SRS or that i'm changing my entire wardrobe or that i well act super feminine. my mother is getting on my back because i act the same as i normally do but i'm a lot calmer because i came to terms with myself and i'm moving forward and she thinks its a phase because i'm not acting super feminine or i'm not changing up my wardrobe or i'm not considering SRS for awhile or even doing yearly evaluations and seeing how i feel about it at the time.

[Sammy]

whenever i get picked on, my male side comes out and puts the people picking on me in their place, whenever i get scared, my male side comes to the rescue and i become brave, and even when i cry, my male side pops up and calms me down.

Umm, it might a personal thing, but I was the same when I started HRT and up to about 8-9 months into it. Now, he only provides that sense of calm (or rather serenity?) when things get nasty. I would still get face any foe with that attitude of "no pity, no remorse, no fear!" but it is different sort of bravery and strength. I cant really explain that.... My responses used to be generated in the way of "You dare to /do that nasty thing to me/my friends/whoever/??? It is payback time!" /testosterone boost+adrenaline boost+time slowing down+strength multiplied = butt kickin' for Greater Good!" Now, those things dont really happen anymore and I can only count on my wit and brains, cause my male side is not popping up in that way anymore, but rather gives some sort of counselling advice...

[Umiko]

i'm just really confused on whether it would benefit me and my happiness or its just a pipe dream of mines and its not achievable. i just get the your crazy and need to be hospitalized deal whenever i say i cant live with that thing down there and even if i tuck it away, it gets in my way by worming its way back down. was finally able to sit down to use the bathroom without actually looking at it which gave me relief and i even have to sit down in the shower just to hide it.

[androgynouspainter26]

Brianna,

I completely know where you're coming from, because I'm still sort of working through this myself.  I think the best thing to do when you are nonbinary and considering surgery is to remove gender from the equation.  Regardless of wether you identify as male, female, or anything in between (all are only words, anyways), would you feel more at peace with a penis or a vagina?  Personally, I'm very mixed when it comes to gendered behaviors.  I talk like a girl, walk like a male model.  I wear dresses, and I also wear suits and leather jackets.  I'm also very assertive-but all of this is completely independent of the fact that I would feel so much more comfortable in my skin I had a vagina.  It sounds to me like you might be in the same boat as I am-it's not easy, the road towards surgery.  But if it's worth it too you, you'll find a way-most everyone who needs surgery does.  Just be sure to sit on your thoughts for a while. 

[Umiko]

Brianna,

I completely know where you're coming from, because I'm still sort of working through this myself.  I think the best thing to do when you are nonbinary and considering surgery is to remove gender from the equation.  Regardless of wether you identify as male, female, or anything in between (all are only words, anyways), would you feel more at peace with a penis or a vagina?  Personally, I'm very mixed when it comes to gendered behaviors.  I talk like a girl, walk like a male model.  I wear dresses, and I also wear suits and leather jackets.  I'm also very assertive-but all of this is completely independent of the fact that I would feel so much more comfortable in my skin I had a vagina.  It sounds to me like you might be in the same boat as I am-it's not easy, the road towards surgery.  But if it's worth it too you, you'll find a way-most everyone who needs surgery does.  Just be sure to sit on your thoughts for a while.

and how are you dealing with it? already dealing with the random onslaught of dysphoria is already shattering as it is. now having the idea of surgery keep coming up just makes matter worse. i get so excited at the idea but than i get the guilty, selfish feeling in my gut and it hurts to the point of tears. was tearing all day the other day over this

[androgynouspainter26]

For both of us, SRS is probably still a ways off.  With a bit of luck, I'll be getting around to my top surgery this winter, and by then I'll be three years into my transition.  You're just starting out, and surgery isn't going to be in your immediate future (unless, that is, you are very wealthy).  It's a big decision, and you should probably give more thought to things before going one way or another on the issue.  As for dealing with it, I just try not to focus on what's between my legs.  I don't touch it, I don't think about it, and provided I stay tucked at all times I can usually deal with the pain enough to get through the day.  Dark chocolate also helps though.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you feel guilty and selfish about this?  You are becoming the person that you need to be, and frankly ,when you're transitioning, you need to be a little selfish.

[Umiko]

For both of us, SRS is probably still a ways off.  With a bit of luck, I'll be getting around to my top surgery this winter, and by then I'll be three years into my transition.  You're just starting out, and surgery isn't going to be in your immediate future (unless, that is, you are very wealthy).  It's a big decision, and you should probably give more thought to things before going one way or another on the issue.  As for dealing with it, I just try not to focus on what's between my legs.  I don't touch it, I don't think about it, and provided I stay tucked at all times I can usually deal with the pain enough to get through the day.  Dark chocolate also helps though.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you feel guilty and selfish about this?  You are becoming the person that you need to be, and frankly ,when you're transitioning, you need to be a little selfish.

my mother made a comment the other day that really pulled at my heart string. i told her i was going to get surgery maybe in the next couple of years, depending on if i have my male fail since i get ma'am on the phone unless i purposely talk in a deeper voice, but she said please dont because i'm scared. it may seem simple but that alone almost made me want to cry. here i am being asked not to by a women who isnt related to me by blood asking be with all her heart not to do this. this person who isnt related to me by blood is my only support system almost begging me. plus i said when i first heard about transgenders, i said i would never be like this, that i'll force myself to conform to malehood, that i would follow the man code to the T but yet here i am, crumpling under the might of dysphoria desperate crawling on the ground trying to find a way to break free from this enormous gravity. i feel like such a tiny ant

[androgynouspainter26]

I've been there.  Personally, I lost my relationship with my parents when I transitioned-they still speak to me, and help me out with money, but their not a part of my life anymore.  It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, and I really hate that this is a price I had to pay.  But if I had the chance to make that choice again, I'd choose my transition over them.  I'm not saying that you'll need to though-it sounds like this is coming from a place of love and concern.  It's a scary thing, to see someone you love go through this process.  But if she loves you, she'll come around eventually once she sees how much this may help you. 

I used to think that way too. I still don't think I'm like a lot of other trans* women, because I don't act a certain way just because it's considered feminine or unfeminine.  With regards to how I dress, act, and cary myself, I just do what I prefer, which isn't as common among Tall Girls as it should be.  You can't spend your life trying to conform to a code of manhood or womanhood-neither really exist, if you ask me.  You need to do what you'd prefer, and what feels most natural.  It has nothing to do with being male or female-it's about being yourself. 

As for dysphoria-you can't let it keep dragging you down.  Wether it's making a game-plan for eventually getting the correct body, therapy to help you figure things out, or anything else is entirely up to you.  But the worst thing you can do is just to feel pain and do nothing about it.  You seem like a strong person-you'll find a way.

[Umiko]

I've been there.  Personally, I lost my relationship with my parents when I transitioned-they still speak to me, and help me out with money, but their not a part of my life anymore.  It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, and I really hate that this is a price I had to pay.  But if I had the chance to make that choice again, I'd choose my transition over them.  I'm not saying that you'll need to though-it sounds like this is coming from a place of love and concern.  It's a scary thing, to see someone you love go through this process.  But if she loves you, she'll come around eventually once she sees how much this may help you. 

I used to think that way too. I still don't think I'm like a lot of other trans* women, because I don't act a certain way just because it's considered feminine or unfeminine.  With regards to how I dress, act, and cary myself, I just do what I prefer, which isn't as common among Tall Girls as it should be.  You can't spend your life trying to conform to a code of manhood or womanhood-neither really exist, if you ask me.  You need to do what you'd prefer, and what feels most natural.  It has nothing to do with being male or female-it's about being yourself. 

As for dysphoria-you can't let it keep dragging you down.  Wether it's making a game-plan for eventually getting the correct body, therapy to help you figure things out, or anything else is entirely up to you.  But the worst thing you can do is just to feel pain and do nothing about it.  You seem like a strong person-you'll find a way.

i guess its time i bring my mother into one of my therapy sessions. i guess its the transition jitters. the thought of going all the way gets me excited, i start giggling uncontrollably and when i read everyone else's experiences, i'm like "thats going to be me in the next year" but than my mom's words coming into my head and i fall into a pit. plus my father's family was searching for me for a long time so in their eyes i'm the grandson, the nephew, the uncle, etc etc etc. than there are my relationships. i know i have a whie to think about it but really that time is so short because once i go full time, i need to make sure i have the money set, i have contact surgeons on prices, wait lists, than there are pre travel plans those who will help me with post surgery and all that other stuff. its time consuming and when i finish, that whole year would of gone by and than its surgery time.

[androgynouspainter26]

That's a good idea.  I brought my parents into one, and I won't say it fixed anything, but things very quickly went from "you're insane" to "fine, whatever-just remember to empty the dryer".  It's selfish to say that you don't care about what your loved ones think, but to transition you need to be a bit selfish.  If being true to yourself means that you need to put your needs above the needs of your loved ones, that's something you need to consider-but usually, your need to feel peace outweigh your father's need for a son, you uncle's need for a nephew, etc...besides, you'll still be there if they come around!  You'll just be a bit different.  You have a plan, which is important.  Just don't feel like you have to follow the one year timeframe.  I thought I was going to do that, but after my first year fulltime I wasn't absolutely sure who I was.  I was happy I put it off-one year isn't enough time to know who you really are, and I'm happy I gave myself time so I'm sure now what I want. 

If you wanna keep talkin, totally PM me!  I have a feeling all the other posters might be a bit tired of the notifications.  You're gonna do well, I know you are.

[ativan]

already dealing with the random onslaught of dysphoria is already shattering as it is. now having the idea of surgery keep coming up just makes matter worse. i get so excited at the idea but than i get the guilty, selfish feeling in my gut and it hurts to the point of tears. was tearing all day the other day over this

Stop thinking into a future that you're not even sure of the path to get there.
You're driving yourself crazy over an outcome that is only one or a few of the many that there can possibly be.
You haven't even started on a path to get you there, just the start of the path that low dose HRT, which is what you will start with, will take you.
Work on that and figure out the possibilities before you go running off all worried about what will be in a future you haven't even set the paths for yourself.
Calm down. The gender boogieman isn't hiding under your bed waiting to get you.

You're your worst antagonizer, the one who dreams up disasters in your mind when there are infinite possibilities waiting for you.
Start taking control over what you have and are on the path of. It's important that you do this.
You need to if you are going to have a solid base under you for when you get to that point you're worrying about.
Leave the unknown future to the day when you are getting close enough to start thinking about and not worry so much about.
Just know that the day will come and you'll deal with what you need to, then.
You do this by taking things one step at a time, looking forward to the next step, the one you need to take.

Settle down and concentrate more on what you are going to be doing in the near and more foreseeable future.
It's hard, but you are wasting valuable thinking on a worry that is not close enough to worry about.
It can and will be better, more than you can and are imagining right now.
Settle down, you're going to take apart everything you've already accomplished by putting yourself into fits of anxiety.
You're worrying about a tornado in a storm that isn't even on the horizon yet, on a sunny day you should be enjoying instead.

Use your time thinking about what is currently on your plate right now, it's a lot.
Lets talk about what's going on today and how you are going to be getting ready for tomorrow if need be.
It's all pretty much one step at a time, look where your going and what the next step is going to be, one step at a time.
You'll get there, by doing that and not by taking leaps into the unknown.
What do you need to do today?
Ativan