Trapped Myself in a Social Box

[GnomeKid]

I guess I'm looking for advice... Maybe just commiseration? 

I'm not sure what other way to describe it, but I feel that I've trapped myself in a personage or character that is only part-way me.  I seem to have conditioned the people around me to believe that I am/act a certain way, thus constraining myself into being the "myself" that they know as opposed to the un-inhibited me.  I'm not one for extra attention from others, and it seems that every attempt to break free from this box leads to attention being called to it.  Maybe I'm just a little less stoic than people think? 

I'm not 100% sure how trans-related this is, but going into any new situation pre-transition I was closed off and more of the "me" that people know me as now.  After a few months/a year or so I tend to open up and be more boisterous.  Now that I've transitioned it doesn't seem to have worn off.  Maybe its just having been going through a time of almost constant change for the past few years?  But there have been a good few moments of stability throughout, and I've had the same friends/room mates for years now.  The inhibited self just seems to remain.  Some parts of it are good.. just normal maturing and what-not, but other things like not being able to sing out loud in front of ANYONE (even people I used to sing along with songs to for hours) really are starting to get to me.  I just miss being goofy sometimes.  I've been able to ease up about gender constraints on actions a bit now that I'm 100% passing.  I was kind of always just a weird queer anyway, so thats never bothered me much.  Maybe its just low self esteem?  I don't know. 

I know people here have intentionally/unintentionally put themselves into all sorts of boxes throughout their lives.  Maybe you have some advice on how to get out of them without making too many waves?  I've tried to just go at it and break free, but I'll find myself stopped in my tracks.  The wind taken from my voice as I attempt to sing along (when I could sing it just fine alone in the car) or my interpretive dance confined to something more like the spongebob shuffle dance.  I can't even imagine the endless aggravation and regret I'd face if I attempted to communicate my desire for anything touching the topic of romance.  Yet I feel my life is somewhat lacking.    Maybe I just like being somewhat closed off and secretive?  Maybe I just need to to wait for life to settle a little?  Thats fine with me, but I'd still like to be able to at least sing along and enjoy the ride! 

Sorry for the rambling.   It kind of seems like for a lot of people transition is a time to really be able to open up and become themselves... but after that main transition happens that person that one settles into being sort of just gets taken as is.  Any big changes thereafter are a separate event and cause for attention.   I know my little cage isn't nearly as constraining as being forced to live as the opposite gender... I just feel like now that I'm being seen as male I'd like to enjoy it more...  ya know?

[blink]

Sounds like your situation/box is the opposite of what mine was. Before I knew transition was possible, trying to live as female, my only-partially-me "character" hinged on trying to seem friendly and non-threatening. Because people often responded poorly to me. I struggled to be more expressive and emotive than I really am. Probably everyone alters their personality/expression to some extent, it's a necessary part of socializing in many situations, but it's unhealthy when it's a most-or-all-the-time acting gig. That's where mine went and sounds like yours has too.

Perhaps start by entering a new social situation - even an internet forum - where people don't know you and don't have expectations of how you act. There, drop the "character". It may ironically feel awkward and forced at first, but at least there won't be any chance of "Gee, GnomeKid, you are acting different today" comments. Can't say how to deal with people who already have expectations of how you act without "making waves". I expected things to be more awkward when I dropped my "character" and with some people that's the case, but that is so small compared to how hard the character was to maintain, I'm not bothered.