Veronica, Julie, Kaelin, Tessa, Butterfly, Luna, Aisla- this thread has value to me and to others, and every single contribution has had great power and possible repercussions on the non binary trans community in here. I know that Ativan has also been a silent watcher and is very much enjoying the thread and every contribution, sh'e is purposely staying out of it and joyfully feeding on these posts. And we have no clue who else is watching and gathering strength and hope.
Eventually I may have the gall to summarize key points in the thread.
And in my fluidity at the moment I am presentationally female. The meds are working. I couldn't believe my eyes this morning.
I woke up with the following thoughts for us:
Old business truth: Perception is Reality. Used in management, unfortunately to posture.
Perception of who we are, perception of the stregnth of our presentation, perception of the validity of the face we give to the world to see, colors the response of those around us. If we feel we are false, they will read false, whether false to our birth gender or false to our real gender. Trans to me is from the inside out, not the outside in, it starts from the heart and ripples outward. So how I feel inside about my trans nature will be how I am read. Either as strong, weak (hence attack the weak plays out), over aggressive, dominant, wimp, secure, insecure.... we want our genuineness to be from a place of deep inner strength and peace with who we are, not who we are percieved to be, not who they want us to be, but from a fortress of knowledge of the truth of our innermost nature(s).
Fear of rejection and the deep human need for approval can drive us to stealth, to anxiety, to forms of presentations that are not self reflecting. Deep compassion from the inner core can drive us to gently tone down our transsexual expression around loved ones, as often the ones we married did not marry our trans presentation, did not know of the other binary components, and are deeply hurt and betrayed at having discovered that through no fault of our own, we have hit the wall of denial's end, and are driven to seek outside help or destroy ourselves as socially unacceptable.
Not recognizing or nurturing the authentic core then causes us to rationalize and self decieve, leading to a host of disasterous results and pain, and allowing dangerous negative spiritual forces to dominate us, read that as you wish according to your own spiritual concepts.
One of the ways I have read trans in the past, pre transition, was in their overcompensation to be nice, on stage, playing a role dictated by insecurity. Sad. Had they just been themselves, I may not have read them at all.
So to I allow others to dominate me and dictate my presentation? Not as much. Validation comes from within now, but that vulnerability comes with a price and a reward.
My trans is a diamond, Satinjoy is a diamond. Extremely valuable, rare, a gift, a vow, a marriage within. What facet of the diamond I reveal is up to me. It wont be to a neanderthal that wants to cut that stone to something they wont feel threatened and conflicted about being attracted to, or were taught to hate, or were taught must be modified into conformity to the insanity of cicgendered peer pressure. I am not trusting my diamond to them. What is show of that diamond instead is the cutting point that will slice through the bul***it of intolerance, negativity, controlling behaviors, and that point is harder than anything, having been molded by pressure and pain into something very hard, very sharp, and very real. It lies in the tip of my tougue and my body language.
Others may see other facets, maybe the GQ facet of my nails, maybe my eyes, never my body, not now. That is for my eyes only, and maybe someday with my sisters here, clothed of course. The whole diamond I present to you. I entrust my trans nature to YOU.
You and my shrink and my endo have the controls, and of course, my God has it all.
One final point and then I go on deadline again- there is presentation, and there is self expression. They are not necessarily the same. Self expression will be from the core, but presentation may be body armor. There is nothing wrong with that, but it is good to have an understanding of where truth meets fiction, where protection and armor against a cruel world is just that, and when it is safe and important to roll out self expression, which is visible authenticity at its finest.
Nails out, hair gone but wigged up right now, and heart wide open, to you my dears, to you.
May your day be a blessing for you and to those you love.
Oh by the way Aisla, after the haircut mentioned in the other thread, instead of dysphoric whiplash I see the dominant partner in a lesbian relationship looking back in the mirror. Or the strong businessman. What I want to percieve, I will percieve, in that application, so I am safe, no mental breakdown repeats. Something has fundamentally changed in me and it was created by the acceptance of being fully non binary. What a gift you have given to me by tracking me down in the mtf forum and bringing me in here.
Love to all here, and to our silent watchers, join us, have peace you are not alone.
Keep the posts rolling Men and Women of trans, don't let me be the last one here, please. We are helping others.
