Questioning my gender

[Vale]

Hello everyone! Looking for some insight from the community here on some conflicting feelings that I've been having. I'm a 22 year old, born male and identifying as male. For around 10 years of my life I've had this feeling of not fitting into my gender and yearning to be the opposite sex. At around 13 or 14 years I'd started crossdressing in private. Always assumed it was a sexual thing, but I started doing research and looking up information about GID. I often felt happy when I was dressed up, though scared I'd get caught and ridiculed.
During school I'd often feel like I didn't fit in with my male peers though, I hung out with males during school. I never felt I fit in with any of them and would often get ridiculed for not liking all the same stereotypically male things as them. I spent most of my high school by myself playing some sort of handheld game or reading. I continued doing research in private and the crossdressing slowed down significantly. My junior and senior years I made an effort to present myself in a more masculine manner so I'd fit in better, I started growing out my facial hair and wearing loose clothing. Also found a small group of male friends to hang out with. I figured the yearning feeling would go away.
Graduated high school, joined the military shortly after, thinking the masculine environment would "fix" me (though, in the back of my head, I considered using it as a way to address my issues with my gender without facing any ridicule), however I found it hard to feel a part of my division. Unfortunately, the military didn't work out for me, I ended up getting injured near the end of the training and getting sent home several months later.
I'm a student now and I still have these feelings. I met a really lovely girl online and we had a short relationship before deciding it was better to be friends instead. Finally figured I ought to address these feelings somehow, and I confessed to her about myself. Trying to make the necessary steps to find out if I really have GID, however it's a bit scary to do so. I'm still worried about being ridiculed, but I've admitted these feelings to my closest friends which has given me the strength to pursue this.

I know my post is a little scatterbrained, but if anyone has any questions, comments, or insight, I'd love to read them.
Thanks everyone!

[suzifrommd]

Welcome Vale. Here are my comments.

* There is nothing shameful about being transgender.
* It's not necessarily bad. Some of the most amazing moments of my life came when I was finally able to be authentically me.
* Transgender typically doesn't go away on its own, and no one has ever found a "cure". The only real options are either to endure it as long as it doesn't (literally) drive you crazy, or to find a presentation that allows you to authentically be you.
* In my opinion, transgender people are blessed. We see life from both sides of the gender barrier whereas cisgender people can only see one side.

OK, Advice:
* Seeing a gender therapist can't do you any harm. Do a lot of research. It's probably better to find someone who is really an expert on transgender people.
* Make contact with transgender resources in your area. You're a student. Does your school have an LGBT student organization? Does your community?
* Keep reading posts here. I found a lot of my information here, and I think others did too.

[RockerGirl]

Haha same here, joined the military to either die or get cured. Guess what? Still here and still trans. Funny how many girls were in the military, and how many excelled because of how hard we were trying to prove ourselves to be men. Anyways, welcome girl! Hope you learn a lot!

[RockerGirl]

I don't want to learn... I already know TOO much for my own good! :-P ...lol

Haha I know the feeling! Now that I know I'm trans part of me is freaking out and wanting to go back to ignorant bliss. But I've learned too much to do that now lol. But there is still a lot to discover!

[helen2010]

Vale

You have certainly come to the right place.  There are a whole lot of us who tried the military thing.   Some of us then spent many years trying to work out why we felt that we were acting, or learning how to be the best male we could be. Much later than you we found our way to therapy, and to Susans.  Plenty of support, great experience and learning here. You are moving much earlier than many of us did in looking to address the dysphoria.  You are doing well.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Vale]

Thank you for all the replies! I think I'm going to keep doing more research. Looking into the therapy option, but in my situation to do that would either require me to get a job where I could afford the healthcare to see a therapist or admit to my parents and ask for their help. I would eventually need to admit to them, so I want to keep doing research to see if this is what I want. Any insight anyone has on the matter would be appreciated. Thank you!   

[Jessica Merriman]

If you are in college now check out and see if they have a Psychology Program. I found a great Gender Therapist at my Alma Mater Oklahoma State University and it is only $10.00 a session. I too was an Alpha Dog career wise (Paramedic/Firefighter). I thought running into burning and about to collapse buildings would cure my transgender tendencies as well, NOPE! 

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Vale

You seem to have your head screwed on properly, so keep up with the research!  I was around your age when I started my research.  I then freaked out and ran away from it for 20 years - back then societal understanding and medicine for transgender were not that advanced. 

My advice to you is to take your time, but not too much time!    You are in an age window where you could effect a brilliant transition, once you are ready. 

A few more things I now know: 

Be bold:  I was paralysed by what people might think.  Now I know that, on a personal level, people are mostly in awe of us for having the courage (they usually use the word "balls", seriously ) to do this.

Seek support from your family:  if they love you as a boy, they're gonna love you as a girl too; it will probably mean some uncomfortable times, but you'll pull through.  My family were shocked by the news, but incensed that I had kept this a secret from them for so long.  All they want to do is help.

Draw on your friends: they're probably more open-minded than you think, because it's you and they care about you. Mine are very normal non-bohemian folk, and they have all stepped forward with support, clothing and makeup tips!  Everyone will proffer well-meaning advice once they get over the shock.

Good luck!
Julia

[Vale]

Thank you all for your advice and support! I've been lucky enough to have some friends and a brother who are very supportive of me. Telling people as I get more comfortable with the idea. I'm curious if there's something I could be doing for myself to see if this is a real fit prior to going to therapy? Or should therapy really be my first step?
Thank you all!

[Jessica Merriman]

I personally always advocate for therapy as this is a big and possibly life changing event. 

[Julia-Madrid]

Vale, in terms of seeing whether this is a "real fit", I'd agree with Jessica that one of the best ways is to start with therapy.  A good therapist will help you open the doors and understand yourself in ways you may not have ever imagined possible.  Don't be scared to change therapists after a few sessions if you feel that the vibe is not right.  And do try find a therapist with good transgender experience.

The only other way to see if it's a real fit is to live it, but you should really be prepared mentally for this and build up to it.  Not only should you be ready mentally, but I'd advocate creating a detailed plan - I did this - where I gradually turned on the girl and turned off the boy.  If you're interested, here's how it worked for me:

By January this year I had got to a mental state where I was "90%" sure I wanted to become a girl and was ready to start the process.  It took a month to find the right endocrinologist, and he asked me for a psychological report and recommended a specialist psychologist.  We had around 6 sessions, once a week, by which time it was clear to her that I had gender dysphoria and was ready to transition.  (Careful - 6 sessions was just the cherry on top for me - 20 years earlier I had done 18 months of therapy to find myself.) In January I also started laser beard removal.  In April I began HRT and also decided to begin living as a woman.  Again, this is unusual - many people spend a year or more on HRT before taking this step. For me, this was my dry run to verify that it was a real fit. For the first month I had frequent doubts - "Are you sure you want to do this?", but as I got better at being a woman those doubts left me.  (It's important to note that becoming a woman requires effort - we have to unlearn masculine behaviours and learn feminine ones - for many of us these don't come naturally.)  By month 2 I was totally comfortable and astonished at how easy it had been for me to reach this point.  I began a transition plan with HR at work, came out to my family, and by the end of July my plan is for the boy to disappear at work and only The Girl will remain.    I spent hours creating my plans, and developing backup strategies for family and work, just in case.  Now I have no doubts at all - I know that this is the right decision, and my daily life validates and vindicates it.  Despite the ongoing stresses of transition, I am dealing with it with a sizeable dose of humour and am enjoying the journey.  My biggest challenge? My voice.  But after 6 weeks of voice training with a singing teacher, and some darn hard work listening to women and training myself, it's coming right and I am thrilled.

In other words, good planning, hard work, and a dose of luck will help you get to the place you need to be.

Hugs
Julia